Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 8 September 2010
Homeless Homo Hobo Forms New Political Movement
BOSTON, MA - Frank Barney, a homosexual homeless man residing on Newbury Street held a press conference today to announce the formation of a new political movement, The PEE-Party.
Barbara Boxer aide charged with possession of pot. Dems must be in bad shape.
Fonda Confesses Plastic Surgery
Jane Fonda admits to having plastic surgery. "I don't normally look like this", stated North Vietnam Vet.
Sourse Of Ghost Girl Found!
Will this cause more accidents than it stops? 3D speed bump illusion of girl crossing the road that suddenly 'appears' in front of drivers. 100 car pileup and bump-ins thus far say no!
No More Benefits
We've stopped your benefits... you're dead: Single mother of two young children 'killed off' by HMRC bungle. "Sorry, but bugger off and accept the fact that you're dead."
Snooker star John Higgins cleared of match-fixing but lands six-month ban for failing to report 'Russian gangsters'. "Mush better than death", he exclaims.
Nice Try! But Get The Billfold Out
'There was a bad cement job', 'Then it was rammed by a big white whale': BP report shifts blame for Gulf of Mexico oil spill to American contractors, whale.
Californians fear that the next earth-shattering Hollywood gossip could bring on the big one!
NYC Doing Fine, Water-Wise!
A new study shows that New Yorkers still have plenty of water. "More people are pissing in the East River than drinking from it", says health dept. chief.
Lots Of Scattered Wild Chicks In Arkansas
Keeping chickens in cages & using growth hormones until slaughtered has backfired on the Tisson Company. The chickens developed two more drumsticks but the 4 legs made them too fast to be caught.
Scottish footy team re-amateurised!
The Scottish footy is so awful and they have been booted out of pro-soocer and forced into amateur status. Scotland have now the highest rate of suicides in Europe especially amongst the Tartan Army!
Sounds Like It Was Planned
Powerful thunderstorm knocks out Missouri weather radar tower! Catches most by surprise.
Mutilated bunnies are mistaken for Playboy Bunnies
A pair of UK bunnies have been mutilated by Sicko's, on hearing this outraged Playboy Boss Hugh Hefner sent MI5 in to investigate, fortunately they were the fluffy kind not his Pussy version!
Little Bit Hard To Say
'Restoring Truthiness' rally: Colbert's answer to tea party? Not much of a slogan. Sounds like dentures loose!
Hold Onto Something Big This November
2 More Asteroids to Zoom Between Earth and the Moon's Orbit! "Could harmlessly miss us both", say scientists.
Maybe In 2012!
Michelle Obama hosts first White House dance event. Next year Michelle may hold the first White House Moving Sale!
White House Firsts!
Michelle Obama hosts first White House dance event. Next year she plans the first White House bankruptcy!
Another Bad Sign #2
Bad sign: Fed Chairman Bernanke makes report to President while shooting baskets wears t-shirt that says, "YES! We Will Take Wooden Nickles!"
Another Bad Sign
Bad sign: Fed Chairman Bernanke wearing a rope belt during report!
We Will Pay It Back Over Next 20 Years
Big businesses and banks that were loaned money have now been billed for taxes. Ask to borrow enough to pay the taxes on what they borrowed.
"He Ain't Borrowing Anything From Me!"
President Barack Obama unhappy with mother-in-law after she stamped her letters, Washington DC, IOU, instead of USA.
No Caviar Recall
Caviar Company asked why it didn't recall caviar when one test showed it had part of a fish scale that could be poisonous. Reply that they considered 'dying from caviar' the best way to go.
The Sun Bought By The Moon
The Reverend Sun Myung Moon has bought out the tabloid Sun this past Moonday... Monday. Expect some changes.
Obamas On The Road Again
Obama and Michelle plan to take a weekend off again next week and will have a tryout for the next "Dancing With The Issues".
Romanian Gypsy leader compares Sarkozy to Nazis. Sarkozy says he's more like Napoleon.
Three Charged Over Bomb Attempt
Pakistan to charge 3 over failed Times Square bomb. Let that be a lesson to anyone else who fails!
Snooki's Trial Today!
Snooki's trial set to start today according to her sister Poopoo!
Obama missing from Dems' ads but showing up all day long on GOP ads.
Obama Job Pitch Fails?
Jobs pitch fails to dazzle Washington. In fact, most congress avoiding Obama altogether.
Plus It Blew One Up
Giant rats sniff out land mines, and if they miss one, it was just a giant rat.
Fear Over Islamic Center
Fear, flatulence over Islamic center. I'm sorry, that should be "Fear, intolerance over Islamic Center".
Nothing New On BP Oil Spill!
BP releases findings of oil rig disaster: "It was on our oil rig and it was a disaster."
McCain Daughter In Tears
Palin made McCain daughter to cry. "He called HER 'Punkin'"
Palin Brings McCain's Daughter To Tears
Palin made McCain daughter cry. "Dad said she was prettier than I am."
Forgot To Warn Us!
Asteroid buzzes Earth; another coming twice that one's size. Then, the big one! After that.......(who knows).
Looking For Publicity?
As the imam behind a controversial Islamic center near ground zero prepares for a live interview. Will he be able to pull more attention than the Koran burner in Florida?
GW Predictions Change Daily
Climate: New study slashes estimate of icecap loss -- by half!
Another Blow To Job Seekers
NYT: Obama Will Not Extend Bush-Era Tax Cuts to Wealthy. Then the wealthy will not be hiring new workers.
Flooding Around The Globe!
Weeks of rains leave thousands homeless in Mexico as 2012 draws closer.
And They Gave Us Their Word!
Nigeria: 800 inmates escape during prisoners helping clean roadways.
Toe The Line!
Among Egypt's Christians, few question Church rule. Unlike the forgiving families of Islam.
Cameron's Father Dies
Father of UK Prime Minister Cameron dies in France, a double tragedy for the PM.
Shiver Me Texting!
10 arrested in European raids on Internet piracy as Somali pirates now into computer thefts.
Honduran Shoe Factory Massacre News
Police say victims were laced with bullets.
Honduran Shoe Factory Massacre Update
Police chief says gunmen must have had no sole.
Honduran Shoe Factory Massacre Latest
Police say it's time the gunmen were brought to heel.
'Juicy' Jennifer Thompson to meet Pope.
Pope Benedict has asked for a meeting with prostitute Jennifer Thompson, during his UK tour. 'She seems like a good Catholic girl in need of guidance', he said. ' She's welcome to bring a friend!'
18 Killed In Honduran Shoe Factory Massacre.
Police believe gunmen may have been given the boot.
Rumours that Katie Price has changed her car are false.
Katie Price has not swopped her Range Rover for a car from a popular Swedish manufacturer. The News of the World head-line should have been:
'Paparazzi get snaps of Jordan's vulva!'
Katie Price In Donkey Shagging Scandal!
Oh, wait. No, it was just Alex Reid.
Alex Reid In Prostitute Shagging Scandal!
Oh, wait. No, it was just Katie Price.
Rooney Moonies Clooney.
No story, just loved the headline!
Meat Loaf To Reform.
It will come back as rump steak, without the pastry.
Glass factory destroyed in massive hail storm.
Wurzel Gummidge Dies In Field Fire.
"It's the last straw" says a devastated Aunt Sally.
Marley's Daughter Pleads Guilty
Bob Marley's daughter pleads guilty to drug charge, Mon!
Angelina Jolie condemns planned Quran burning
Well, that settles that. You can disagree with the pope but not Jolie.
Official: Rooney Has STD!
The Subaru Impreza STd was cheaper than the STi, but underperformed on the corners. Both had leather interior. A bit like that granny he shagged.
Money Does Bring Some Happiness!
Report: Money can buy you happiness, to a point. Especially men..but only for short periods of time.
2 asteroids to whiz harmlessly past Earth and will not come anywhere near and if your hair stands on end, it will be static electricity....Goodbye!
No Russian Arms Cheating
Gates: Any Russian arms cheating would backfire. Especially if they have been stored for awhile.
Police Station Egged
LAPD brass plead for calm; protesters egg station. Won't say if eggs are contaminated.
Gore Can't Win For Losing!
School bearing Al Gore's name built on contaminated site. Gore shits and falls backwards in it while on hike.
Old Farmer's Almanac: Global Cooling To Continue
Al Gore rounding up copies to burn on Earth Day! Farmers complain.
Vatican Decries Koran Burning
Vatican: Burning Quran is outrageous, grave move. Sending Spanish Inquisition to Florida.
Clinton Spinning Like Mad
Clinton: It's time to seize an 'American Moment'. That Omama's programs working. Sounds more like a "Senior moment", Hillary!
Wyeth Paid For Endorsements
Wyeth paid writers to promote hormone therapy: study. And we complain about meds from overseas!
Wyeth paid writers to promote hormone, penis enlargement therapy: study
Fla. minister: Sept. 11 Quran burn still planned, but have been talked out of pissing on the ashes.
Car booster seats make gains in insurance testing. Dwarfs, midgets and the French President do not have to have extra coverage.
Hu Wants Stable Ties
China's Hu calls for stable ties with US. Plans to visit Kentucky and look over thoroughbreds.
Gore Completely Snakebit!
School bearing Al Gore's name built on contaminated site. He was also bit by a snake Sunday which broke it's teeth. Now he's in trouble with PETA.
How About That Dancing
Study of Men Dancing Reveals Moves Ladies Love. Three more floods, two more volcanoes blow during the night.
There's Your Proof, Say GW Opponents
Old Farmer's Almanac: Global cooling to continue into 2011.
Chicago Mayor's Race Open. #2
Everyone's saying the same thing: Gary Coleman died much too soon.
Chicago Mayor's Race Open.
Chicago mayor race wide open as Daley steps aside to become Fat Al Martini's right hand man.
Obama To Pitch Trio Of Economic Plans
"Whatever they say, only we will do it better."..(GOP proposes renewing tax cuts, freezing spending, getting people back to work.)
Much Too Practical!
GOP proposes renewing tax cuts, freezing spending. "A devious ploy" say Dems.
"Radicals" On The Right
GOP proposes renewing tax cuts, freezing spending. Dems seem puzzled about theory of not spending more.
Gore Can't Get A Break, Except The Nose!
School bearing Al Gore's name built on contaminated site. Also, some kid tied his shoelaces to bench while he read paper causing to break his nose.
Wondering About New Wonder Drugs?
Drugmaker Wyeth used ghostwriters to play up the benefits and downplay the harm of hormone replacement therapy in articles published in medical journals. Can we say "Lawsuit!"
Gore Can't Catch A Break #3
School bearing Al Gore's name built on contaminated site. Also, over starched his underwear and rubbed himself raw.
Gore Can't Get A Break #2
School bearing Al Gore's name built on contaminated site. Also, water-ballooned twice from L & C building twice.
Gore Can't Get A Break!
School bearing Al Gore's name built on contaminated site! Also, he's stepped in dog shit for sixth day in a row.
Stuck In His School Desk Again!
Michigan studies show poor childhood diets could lead to chronic ill health, breast cancer, 400-pound Middle School students!
At Least The World Has Priorties Straight?
Fla. minister: Sept. 11 Quran burn still planned. First the cartoonist, the commode flushing and now this.
Don't We Have Bigger Problems Than This?
Fla. minister: Sept. 11 Quran burn still planned. Last minute bombing could just save the day. No word from President either way.
World Of Hippocrites
Fla. minister: Sept. 11 Quran burn still planned as news hits the globe. Still little mentioned about 500 Christians hacked to death with machetes in Nigeria a month ago.
Obama's Three Economic Proposals #3
Obama to pitch trio of economic proposals in Ohio. Go call on every business & factory. Put on clean underwear. Try begging.
Just Rose Up Overnight?
Ancient city by the sea rises amid Egypt's resorts. Officials say they don't know how it rose up there.
Obama's Three Economic Proposals #2
Obama to pitch trio of economic proposals in Ohio: 1. Don't give up! 2. Open new business. 3. Try Smiling!
Obama's Three Proposals
Obama to pitch trio of economic proposals in Ohio. Provided he is not attacked by shoes, rotten tomatoes, eggs as former British PM Blair over the weekend.
Not All Our Fault
BP: Multiple companies, teams contributed to spill. "Including the sea creatures who picked that place to live, all those fishermen locating there, hotels, motels, restaurants, etc."
BP: Not Just Us Involved
BP: Multiple companies, teams contributed to spill in the Gulf. "Who put all that oil at the bottom of the Gulf, etc."
Evidence suggests that worrying works for women..
90% of the things they worry about, never happen.
Tony Blair answers his critics "My opinions may have changed over the years"...
but not the fact that I am right.
Rooney claims "My conscience is clear...
My memory on the other hand....
Researchers discover that you don't need a parachute to skydive...
you only need a parachute if you want to do it repeatedly
Wayne Rooney two emotions. Hungry and Horny.
If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Muslims Protest Koran Burning
Muslims Protest Plans to Burn Quran. Burn and stomp on American flag!
"I Was Only Following Orders!"
Harry Reid: 'I had nothing to do with' bad economy. It was this President.'
Can't Defend Your Family?
Long Island Man Arrested For Defending Home With AK-47
Says many gang members were coming after his family. "Was I to allow them to kill my family?" Most believe the police arrested the wrong person.
The Hartford Council announced Tuesday that it has invited local imams to perform Islamic invocations at the beginning of the Council meetings in September. Satanists demand their turn for Halloween.
Time for Change
REPUBLICANS: If Obama is elected president he will ruin the US economy. DEMOCRATS: Give him a chance! AMERICAN PUBLIC: President Obama & his far left fiscal policies have ruined the US economy.
Presidential Press Secretary Gibbs admonished members of the media for being disrespectful to the president by calling him an "empty suit." President "Empty Suit" what will you do if…………?
Obama's Political Far Left Wing Hypocrisy
It is a violation of human rights for Pakistani Taliban to blow up schools & kill innocent children. Pres. Obama alerts the UN about Arizonian's protecting themselves against illegal immigrants!
No More Political Capital
Obama has not only bankrupted the USA, but has used up his political capital. Congressional Democrats wanting to be reelected are ignoring his latest economic proposals & hiding under their desks!
Republican Congressional Mid-Term Election Strategy
The Republican Party is asking the American people to visualize President Obama superimposed over all the respective Democratic candidates, when they cast their votes in November 2010.
Mid-Term Elections 2010
President Obama is in campaign mode, blaming the Republicans for everything. This should be expected as in the last two years the president hasn't figured out how to get into the governance mode!
President Obama's Latest "folly paid" for Proposal
This long-term jobs program exceeds $50 billion to rebuild roads, railways & runways, but would be fully paid for. The American public still has problems sitting down after the $879 billion stimulus!
More Democratic Bush Bashing
President Obama noted in his Labor Day speech that former USC running back Bush will be stripped of his 2005 Heisman Trophy for his part in creating the USA's economic problems.
Leaving Washington DC
January 21, 2013 the Obama's waved goodbye from the back of the train taking them to Hawaii for a brief vacation, prior to returning to Chicago IL. Democratic liberals still can't get anything right!
There was "Silent Cal" (Calvin Coolidge), "Tricky Dicky" (Richard Nixon), "Slick Willie" (Bill Clinton) and now the USA has "Obtuse Obama" (Barack Obama).
Great-Grandpa used to say "in the USA any idiot could become president." Great-Grandpa was right again!
Far Left Liberal EPA Banning Form
No evidence, data, or facts to support your claim, just fill out the following EPA form! We the undersigned want (product name, no people please) banned because we know better than everyone else.
Rain Drops a Falling
EPA is always looking for new ways to annoy Americans, extort tax money & keep themselves in business. The rainwater runoff concern came about as a result of leaky "Depends" during a staff meeting!
For the Birds
Chicken farmers buy the salt the food police say is bad for Americans. The salt may be employed in shotguns to give the EPA a pain in the ass, when trying to enforce their "chicken shit" regulations!
Food Rationing Reported in Venezuela
Hugo Chavez has decreed that bread sell for a dollar a loaf when it costs two dollars a loaf to produce, so there is a bread shortage. Oh, he did hire all those ex-GM car executives as consultants!
Q: What have the attacks of 9/11/01, Pakistani Taliban killing schoolchildren, building a Mosque at "Ground Zero" in NYC & the burning of Qurans illustrated? A: Their religious nuts outnumber ours!
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