Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 7 September 2010
Another Court Problem
While the courts try to figure out the same sex marriage couple thing, Peter Johnson has filed to marry his penis!
Dirty Mag Gets Dirty Bomb!
Play Together Magazine say they have received a dirty bomb in the mail that blew the shit out of their main office.
Don't Burn Quran, Don't Stone The Woman!
EU decries 'barbaric' plans to stone Iranian woman. Top US commander: Burning Quran endangers troops. Why not a trade off?
Who's Protesting Strikes?
Strikers in France get into fight with gypsy protesters!
The End Is Near
Report: Castro blasts Ahmadinejad as anti-Semitic! Chevaz says Korean leader a mad man! The end of the world is near!
Tweets Being Charged?
Parents object to twitter beginning to charge 2 cents per tweet. "It'll break us", says couple in Cleveland, both attorneys.
We Needed The Cash!
Many see trouble as Larry Flynt purchases one hour a day on the Hubble Telescope for six months!
World Getting Happier
New study shows that the world is getting happier. Well, the US...mostly in California. Mostly those using medical marijuana.
One WH Party Canceled
An announcement from the White House is fake say officials. Tareq and Michaele Salahi will not be throwing a party for Halloween.
What Day Is This?
Scientists have said they may have figured out a way to travel through time. They call it "Alcohol!"
Abbas Won't Recogize Jewish State
Abbas: We will not recognize Israel as a Jewish state...there goes the conference.
Another White House Party
Another party at the White House, this time with 'bumps and grinds'. "We might get in a total of 24 more between now and 2012", says First Lady, Michelle.
Detroit Museum Is Stupid
Museum brings its art outdoors around the Detroit area. Everything disappears within ten minutes. Check eBay for bargains.
Be Sure Not To See
Walters, Letterman compare notes on heart surgery as Whoopi Goldberg talks about her hemmorhoids on "The View"!
Hawking Being Badgered
Hawking: 'Science Makes God Unnecessary' But I wish that voice would quit saying "Enjoy your motorized chair".
Cost To Travel To US
Travelers visiting the U.S. must now pay a fee to enter. Several states may ask for fee also.
No To Obamacare?
Battle royal over health care repeal if GOP wins. "That's the biggest thing why we're running so hard", says GOP candidate.
$14 Entrance Fee
Travelers visiting the U.S. must now pay a fee to enter. "That's only a tenth the drug lords ask in Mexico."
Going to Attack Co. Fire
CO firefighters to step up attack on Boulder blaze. We were going to let it burn itself out but the chief reminded us, "What if that were YOUR house?" He had a point.
Star guts' are thrown into space in sparkling ring of light after supernova that exploded in 161,000 BC, March 9th.
The Wrong Name
Mother stabbed then choked to death by her lover after she shouted another man's name during sex. Police that you keep your fantasies to yourself.
The Tax Man Cometh
Her Majesty's Revenue & Customs: I fear the taxman more than the Taliban. Pocketbook beating worse than that of the ass!
Carried In Like An Animal
Custody sergeant who injured innocent female motorist in police station is jailed for six months. Victim asks 250-pound boyfriend to commit crime to get into cell with him!
Can't Predict Where!
More Volcanoes may explode around the world over the next five years according to 'Exploding Volcanoes Times'.
Now We Know..Wish We Didn't
US Supreme Court hands down decision that glasses are half full during good economy, half empty during economic slump. Judge we're now just 'covering the bottom'.
UN Inspectors Invited In!
Old guy in house basement in Brooklyn, New York says he's changed his mind and that UN inspectors can come in and check his nuclear weapons. Warns them not to slam the door.
Ask About Lying!
New study says that most teens are against sex until marriage. Have never smoked dope or huffed paint or drunk alcohol. Poll was answered by parents after talk with their teens.
Angela Jolie plays King Canute in Pakistan!
Charitable superstar Angela Jolie is appearing in Pakistan as ancient Brit King Canute. She's hoping to emulate the King by sitting in her throne and turning back the waves!
Wee're Liping Poof...Proof!
Another study shows that red wine can make you live a lot longer. Tenth study done by octogenarian group.
One Atomic Wedgy Coming Up!
School nerd taps into test questions becomes hero, then a goat after he fails to tell everyone the answers.
Back To School
Police officers warn everyone that schools are back in. So be sure to watch for kids texting in the middle of the road.
Could Go Naked If It Comes To That
Report: We will need $50 Trillion Dollars to fight global warming...or we could dress more casual.
Snap Out Of It, Tiger!
Fellow golfers try to cheer up Tiger Woods by telling him he's a credit to his races.
Wall Street Takeover
This morning Match.Com announced that they have been bought by Cigarettelighter.Org.
Amish, Mennonites stop and take a two hour lunch on Labor Day!
US extreme church to burn the Koran!
An extreme US church have decided to celebrate the 9/11 attacks by burning the Koran in front of their front door, Bin Laden has threatened revenge, he's going to burn his only copy of Mein Kampf!
Probe Targets Marine After Third Big Toe!
Criminal probe targets Marine who sold 'sensitive, classified' nightvision items, Saddam's big toe on eBay...
Yes, We Want Inexpensive Fries With That!
Homeless Upset With MCDONALD'S Price Increases. Hang effigy of Ronald McDonald!
President-Elect Obama: Mutt 'Like Me'
Obama takes aim at Boehner...'They talk about me like a dog'.
Dems Wary Of Super-Spending!
Dems wary of WH's huge new spending plan. "That's all we hear! Spend! Spend! Spend! Where is the money for these?"
Cubs Not White Sox
Even In Chicago, Confidence In Obama Wanes. "We heard a lot of good things but have experienced very little", one person summed it up!
Afghan Forces To Take Control
NATO says Afghan forces can take control next year! Whichever group is winning at the time.
They're Already Mad!
Top US commander: Burning Quran endangers troops. You'll make the Taliban mad.
US Invited In
Abbas asks US to step into settlement dispute, steaming pile of poop!
Tropical Storm Hermine crosses into Texas where it was lassoed by Pecos Bill!
No One Injured
Indonesian volcano, Rosie O'Donnell erupt again; strongest yet!
US Made Can Save Jobs
U.S. made: Five companies bucking outsourcing trend shows congress that U.S. quality products better than cheap imports. "We need to get the lead out", stated Harry Reid, finally, after 20 years
More Payouts For Temp Solution
The Obama administration trying to jump-start its sputtering attempts to tackle the foreclosure crisis with an effort to assist homeowners who owe more on their properties than their homes are worth.
Obama Wants Temp Workers!
Pros and Cons of Spending $50 Billion on Infrastructure. Increases employment before election. Jobs end as soon as project ends & we're back to square one.
Entrance Fees Spread!
Travelers visiting the U.S. must now pay a fee to enter. Canada and Mexico considering the same.
USA, Come Play & Pay!
Travelers visiting the U.S. must now pay a fee to enter. But only those who enter the US legally.
Tropical Storm Hermine Disappoints Cable News Networks
Hermine rolled into Texas Tuesday morning with maximum sustained winds of 60 mph (95 km), disappointing all cable news networks (CNN, Fox News, MSNBC, CNBC) and crushing The Weather Channel's hopes.
Obama Throws Economy Under the Bus as Election Nears
WASHINGTON, DC - In a risky move, President Obama has decided to ignore the economy and focus on a more important issue: The 2010 midterm elections.
GOP Guvs Favorite
Sheer numbers of jobless, sour economy favor GOP in governor races also. However, most are concerned about this year's football season.
Senior Moments #10
Men have more "senior moments" of memory loss than women. "No Honey, we haven't had sex in two weeks, not this morning. You're just weak from not taking your purple pills."
National Debts Get Put Off Further Into The Future!
Official: Obama to back more business tax breaks, then slowly increase the taxes. Businesses not particularly happy about it.
Posh Spice new fashion line based on simplicity
she cant get enough minimalism.
Obama Not Getting Judges Confirmed
Obama getting fewer judges confirmed than Nixon. Remember him?
Watergate? Tricky Dick? Forget it!
Was Today One Of His Shifts?
Commuters walloped by strikes in France, London. Many are wondering, "Is Skoob OK?"
Senior Moments #9
Men have more "senior moments" of memory loss than women! "Honey, I', at the bookstore on Main street downtown. Where ought I to be?"
Toy company invent unbreakable toy...
... it's great for breaking other toys with.
Rare Colored Pics Found
Rare color footage of London blitz found. many had forgotten that Churchill always wore pink!
Scientists try to test the results of daydreaming in school children..
...unfortunately they all have A.D.D. and their attention keeps wandering.
Volcano Erupts Again, Even Stronger!
Indonesian volcano erupts again; strongest yet. But just you wait until 2012!
One Mean Storm?
Tropical Storm Her Mean crosses into Texas. I'm sorry, that should have been "Hermine"!
Rise Of Ancient City
Ancient city by the sea rises amid Egypt's resorts...and completely without a single mummy to display.
Same Thing In The US
British lawmakers to quiz police over phone hacks. Sold secret info on celebs to TheSpoof writers.
Getting Our Priorities Straight?
US expects to spend big in Afghanistan for years. Here in our poor and jobless, school budgets, not so much.
Who's Helping Flood Victims Now?
Study: Aid after 2005 quake won trust in Pakistan as hard line religious leader there did didly squat.
The Voting Game
No recession here as election spending sets records! Many asking which Billionaire are they voting for.
Iran Nuclear Inspectors Going Nowhere
Iran says it has the right to bar UN inspectors. They have the right to try, but if the UN had any balls, they wouldn't even try.
Senior Moments #8
Men have more "senior moments" than women according to study: "George, I'm glad you found your way back with the groceries. But WHERE did you leave mother?"
Shouldn't Burn Quran!
Top US commander: Burning Quran endangers troops. Also, an effigy of President Obama can create hard feelings.
Senior Moment #7
Men have more "senior moments" than women according to study.
"George, why is the chicken in the pot on the doorstep instead of the oven...and did you put out the cat like I asked you?"
Senior Moments #6
Men have more "senior moments" than women, study shows. "It's in your pants, George. Behind the zipper! Not your shirt pocket!"
Men have more "senior moments" #5
Men have more "senior moments" of memory loss than women. "Uh Hon, what was I doing up here naked while lying on top of you?"
Senior Moments #4
Study: Men have more "senior moments" of memory loss than uh the others.
Rare Pics Of Blitz Discovered
Rare color footage of London blitz found. "It actually looks like people were trying to help neighbors. What a novel idea!"
Senior Moments #3
Men have more "senior moments" of memory loss than women. "I don't remember that young lady at all!"
Men Have More "Senior Moments"
Men have more "senior moments" of memory loss than women. Women say they are "convenient" when grass needs mowing, garbage needing taking out.
Something About Memory Loss
Men have more "senior moments" of memory loss than women, according to.....according to...uh.
Push It Behind The Billboard Signs
Olympia, 2-war naval veteran, battles for survival. Same thing for WWII veterans.
None Looking For Latest Thing
Rare color footage of London blitz found. Old people wax nostalgic about the times people cared.
Burning Quran #2
Top US commander: Burning Quran endangers troops. Burning Koran even worse!
No Burning Quran!
Top US commander: Burning Quran endangers troops. "No one has bothered us up to now."
Obama: I Feel Your Economic Pain!
AP analysis: Economic pain failed to ease in July. Pouring more money into creating jobs hasn't worked at all.
Hermine Bringing Lots Of Rain
Tropical Storm Hermine crosses into Texas but Arizona says that they won't allow it to enter their state!
Throwing Money Hasn't Been Working
Official: Obama to back more business tax breaks. GOP says that it's pouring more money we do not have into a black hole. "We need to quit spending!"
The Greeks have complained to the World Trade Organisation that the rest of the world's yoghurts are too runny. The French are set to come out in support.
Following the gambling man being given top job in banking
Conservatives ask Jenny Thompson to join them to create England's first HOE-alition party
Wayne Rooney picked for England RUGBY squad
they heard he knows how to deal with hookers.
...kills sister by mistake!
Breaking news, man tries to get new car for wife
showroom refuses, "we only accept money"
Scientists reveal shocking discovery about being healthy
You don't live longer. It just feels like it.
Tony Blair denies failure...
states "We need to redefine success.
Petraeus orders Florida pastor be fired
"I'm outraged a minister in Gainesville, Florida used his freedom of speech in the name of religion," the top general in Afghanistan said. "I had no choice but to relieve him of his ministry..."
Claustrophobia? That's different!
Daredevil Dan Goodwin scales San Francisco's 58-story Millenium Tower on Monday, gets arrested upon reaching top. According to police, fear of closed spaces had him "climbing the walls" of his cell.
Holy war hawk
Pastor Terry Jones of Dove World Outreach Center in Florida will reach out to Muslim world by having Quran burning at his church on Sept. 11. Schedules dove shoot to follow festivities.
Elvis Has Left The Mansion
Elvis fans at Graceland this Labor Day swore they saw Elvis come out & take a whiz on a tree, shook it up with a pelvis move and put it back inside pants. Only pic taken just shows a good sized penis.
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