Spoof news snippets from Monday 6 September 2010
"Hey Man, Long Time No Tea!"
Boomers today are just as high on the average as they were in the Sixties. But today's highs are legal from drug prescriptions from Boomer Doctors!
Spoofers Over Gamers
Report: The average gamer is 36, fat, depressed. Average Spoofer is 39, sexy, in fine shape and lies like a dog!
"I Jest Sneezed A Bit"
Kentucky chess champion loses by default after originally beating chess computer. "There was spitting tobacco inside Blue and he was gibbering."
THIS Is Boom Times?
Bad Sign: Time traveler from the future comes back to today to find a good job "during boom times!"
Obama Economy Speech
President stated that he could see the light through the tunnel of our economic plight. Let's hope it's not a missile from Iran!
In In Your Court
A huge demand for cooked Kangaroo balls could effect species. PETA heads for Kangaroo Court. Hopping...Hoping for compromise where only one ball taken.
Drug manufacturing factory recalls 100,000 heart pills. After finishing tests, somehow sent out the placebos. Issue apology to all families that lost loved ones. We're one big family & feel your pain.
There Go The #%^$*&&% Toads Out Of Town!
Scientists still studying toads that leave towns four days before earthquakes. Also, insurance agents as policies suddenly canceled.
Dirty Politics Already
The Democrat Party claim that they had nothing to do with number of leading GOP candidates on Craigslist For Adults.
Like The Drones
Some major airlines my go to unmanned air transport. Fly and land by computer. No one signed up yet.
Bernanke More Or Less Possitive
Fed Chairman Bernanke: The financial crisis that the President got the country into maybe easing up a bit, but no promises.
Aussie Frogs Declining
Traffic increase throwing Australian Frogs breeding habits.
Getting ran over in two's not helpful to population increase either.
Americans Do Not Trust Evening News
Poll: 75% of Americans say they don't believe the evening news but agree that they are quite entertaining.
No Use Crying It Now
Euro countries short of milk decry last year's dumping as a protest against lower prices!
Dad Got Around
As of today, Monday September 6th, over 3,000 Kenyans claim they are cousins to Barack Obama and have old photos of them together.
Change Of Heart?
Shoe thrower at President Bush honored by his government in a reverse judgment. Receives the shoe back, bronzed.
Forget 85% Unemployment!
The White House says that 85% of the American work force now have jobs!
Osama Bin Laden Captured: Taliban and Al-Qaeda dissolved
This just in, Osama Bin Laden, the most wanted human in the world has been captured. He was found in a massive underground complex outside of Kabul. He will be extradited to the US for trial.
Yoko Ono returns to Liverpool and promises not to sing!
Yoko has gone back to John's birth place and the Mayor begged her not to sing any Beatles classics in public because she sounds like a stray cat having stones thrown at it!
The latest worlds shortest man is determined to become the longest?
The last shortest man in the world died after attempting to "shag" a whore on a bar stool and fell off stiff, RIP. A new Columbian "shorty" has emerged and has said, no bar stools please!
Never Before Seen Star Wars Scene
This cut scene shows imperial forces all gitty because the Death Star is putting in a Dairy Queen, a Starbucks, and a Barnes & Noble.
Fence Not High Enough
Twelve foot wall in Arizona no problem to those on eight-foot-stilts.
Static Electricity Worse
Nissan Leaf electric car runs totally on electricity. In tests, your hair stands on end every time you brake.
Another Gas Shortage?
President Obama tells Americans to enjoy Labor Day because if Iran nukes get hit, there will be a lot less traveling for next year.
"We've Left Iraq On Time I Promised"
President Obama: Several thousand soldiers have asked for permanent five year status in Iraq for $100,000 bonus.
Chimpanzees sign that they refuse to believe that their DNA and warring humans are similar!
Thought WE Were Slow!
FEMA tells the President to get a move on and get some jobs going.
Obama Needs To Rest
President and family to take their first vacation in all of September.
There's Smoke & There's Smoke!
Study shows that marijuana smoke not as harmful to atmosphere as tobacco cigarette smoke. Plus you don't care if it does.
Thought I'd Ask
Offer of help by FBI Chief Robert S. Mueller, III meets with CIA Boss's blowing beer through his nose and choking.
How About 12 Immediately?
Several car dealers will include a free kiss from your choice of sales staff, good for one day a week for first year of payments.
Say It's Not The Same Thing?
Many US car dealers coming up with "Clunkers For Cash As A Down Payment" program.
Americans Getting Even More 'Overweight'
New poll shows that those Americans over 50-150 pounds overweight agree that they're overweight but none will can themselves fat. Now will you if you know what's good for you.
Beard Grew A Full Inch
Fidel Castro a lot better. Delivers a four hour speech in 24 different languages!
Gas Jumps To $10 Gallon
Saudi Oil Fields blown up! "It was all an unfortunate accident", says BP.
Almost Fooled Again!
Another fake jungle tribe in Brazil Forest as closeup of those pointing up at plane show tribal shorts are actually adult diapers!
Mouth Bigger Than Mick Jaggers
United States secretly planning attack on Iran nuclear plants according to The Rolling Stone Magazine. "Bunch of blabbermouths!", say General Mcchrystal!
Water, Sewer Line Breaks #2
Water & Sewer Line breaks in Orlando. Many clear out of Water World without being asked!
Water, Sewer Line Breaks!
Break in water line leads to sewage in water in Orlando. "Mom, come look what's floating on top the water spout in the fountain!"
Inside Toilets Can Then Be Remodeled, Rented!
Most major US cities to have emergency toilets around town.
Canvass cover to zip over you.
Most Would Like To Do It Now!
Should war break out involving Iran, Obama makes plans for school, work at factories to go to three 13-hour days to save gas!
Had A Cosy One For Three Years!
Nation's housing shortage has now reached those who live under bridges as Obama wants bridges reinforced.
Fat Farms Full
Study: Fat farms in the United States have reached the tipping point.
Retraining Ron Jeremy
Now that the porn films have dried up for Ron Jeremy, he has retrained as a plumber. Apparently he says business is looking up, but he's yet to fix any plumbing.
Celebituaries: Roll Over, Bale-hoven
Mike Edwards, cellist with Electric Light Orchestra from 1972-5, has died in a freak "runaway hay bale" accident. Police are trying to trace his next of kin, but are said to be clutching at straws.
Iraq Back To Normal
Iraq, with only 50,000 US troops who are due to begin leaving, says that it's back to it's old corruption-Based Leadership of eight years ago.
"I Am Still A Soldier, Thank You"
Obama-fired General McChrystal takes job offer by the Taliban!
Even At Windsor!
Queen leaves residence. Tells reporters that it's crawling with bedbugs!
Pope To Speak With Abused
Pope bids to defuse clerical abuse row by meeting victims on visit to Britain, by asking these young men why they tempted those priests.
Used Fake Dog To Scare Bailiffs
Man, known only as Compo's son with crippling debts, lived in his shed for a YEAR to escape bailiffs
They Must Have Swam 24 Hours!
I saved puppies thrown in river by teenage girl: Grandmother, 75, claims she found dogs struggling in water, after seeing it on computer.
Double Dose Of Trouble
Heart attack risk of diabetes drug: Experts call for Avandia to be withdrawn. Also, same company's heart medication could cause diabetes!
It's A Jungle Out There
The man with a forest in his front garden: Fed-up residents demand action over neighbour's 35ft Leyland cypress trees, half-nude native tribesmen.
Front Lawn Forest
The man with a forest in his front garden: Fed-up residents demand action over neighbour's 35ft Leyland cypress trees, wild animals!
Underground Strike Begins
The first of a wave of strikes by London Underground workers in rows over pay and jobs will start today, beginning with the grave diggers.
Member Of ELO Killed
Founding member of ELO killed in freak accident as giant runaway hay bale smashes into his van. Third runaway hay bale this year.
Been Going On A Long Time
Five men stabbed in street fight near London's O2 Arena between Street & Fight.
Blair May Forego Book Signing
Blair may cancel book signing over security fears after being pelted with eggs and shoes. "Most only want them to burn, anyway!"
Incumbants Really Into Deep Doodoo!
Rand Paul Leads in Kentucky Polling for US Senate. "Might bring dad to meet everybody on Senate floor."
Teachers Have Children Begging
Koranic teachers arrested over child begging on the street. Mostly to get them away from Koranic teachers.
Tourist treat - famous toilets !
Come to Berlin and see the most famous toilets in history, some with original feces.
Getting Back Into Shape!
Continental recalling furloughed pilots. Have them walking around, drinking a quart of coffee!
Master Chefs At U.S. Open
Master chefs offer different contest at US Open, hoping to net consumers for the nest year or more.
It Drives You Completely Wild!
Expert warns of complacency after swine flu fizzle as rumors of Wild Boar Flu begin to grunt.
Got All Excited For Nothing
WHO wants faster, more flu vaccine production? "We do! We do!" Oh, you mean the World Health Organization.
Earl Was A Blowout!
The last of Hurricane Earl found pissing on the back wall of a Canadian bar.
The Pack Is Back #2
Obama seeks to shore up support for Wis. Democrats. Most are running on an anti-Brett Favre campaign.
The Pack Is Back?
Obama seeks to shore up support for Wisconsin Democrats. He'll come as a cheese head!
Won't Blow Up Holy Site!
US officials: Mideast talks to resume in Jerusalem near Dome of the Rock, for safety from any shelling.
Turd In Talks
AP source: Oracle, ex-HP CEO Turd in talks for job. I'm sorry, that should be "Hurd".
Japan Oil Conscience
Toyota Prius top-selling car in Japan for August. Just beat out Hummers!
World Markets Happier
World markets dance around the floor as double-dip fears ease!
We'll Accept Them All
Tea party, NRA backers, Super Patroits or establishment, GOP looks for gains!
1 'censored' bar won't stop online prostitution! However, lawsuit over term "Reach out and touch someone" will cost several of them dearly.
Israeli FM: Settlement slowdown will end. "We've told the builders to rest more, cut to three days a week."
Or The Neck!
Tropical Storm Isabella forms in the Gulf of Mexico. Could bite weathermen in the ass!
Would Have Been At The Top
Tropical Storm Hermine forms in the Gulf of Mexico. Experts say it will probably not affect oil cleanup as the headlines were way down around the middle of the headlines today.
Exercise Shoes #2
Exercise shoes focus attention on walking. Where previous shoes were used mostly for throwing at political opponents.
Exercise shoes focus attention on walking. Where previous shoes focused on shaking hands.
"Where Have All The Young Men Gone?"
Female, single, over 30: Iraqis count cost of war, with the loss of so many young men it will take generations to change.
Using Spam E-Mails!
Colombian is world's shortest man at 27 inches! I'm sorry, Colombian is world's best hung man at 27 inches.
Report: Massive earthquake sets back New Zealand economic recovery. Who would have thought?
You Can DO That?
Va. woman devours 181 chicken wings in NY contest. Then flies back home.
She's The Chicken Queen
Va. woman devours 181 chicken wings in NY contest. Then flies of the handle after receiving $20, dinky trophy for first prize.
Top 10 Summer Sky Objects!
Top 10 Summer Sky Objects to See Before Fall includes the Summer Fairy. But you must stay up late...drinking.
High-Skilled Specialists Like Spoof Writers Needed
Future hiring will mainly benefit the high-skilled. More people need to be in tech school than college?
Like Highly-Skilled Pickpocket, Computer Hackers!
Future hiring will mainly benefit the high-skilled, many schooled in the best prisons in the country.
High-Skilled Have Jobs
Future hiring will mainly benefit the high-skilled, especially those really good at identity theft.
Might Be Awhile
Officials: Obama to back infrastructure spending. Right after we pay Afghanistan's debts.
No More US Debt
Officials: Obama to back infrastructure spending. Grandkids won't have to pay it off because at this rate, there won't be a country here by then.
Obama Still Into Spending
Officials: Obama to back infrastructure spending. In fact, just place the word "spending" and place "Obama approves" in front of it!
Not Bad As Iraq Yet
Afghan foreign troops death toll hits 500 for 2010. "Second verse, same as the first."
Display of Independence at the BBC
Mark Thompson, boss of the fiercely independent BBC, summoned into an emergency meeting at 10 Downing Street.
To the victor go the spoils
Stale Bush tax cuts near expiration date as Republicans eye fresh-faced candidates, hope to extend wealthiest 2% of Americans' right to hoard $1.3 trillion cash while not paying $700 billion in taxes.
Snapshot: Women's Rights in Iran
Iranian widow sentenced to death by stoning for adultery lashed 99 times after her photo appears in newspaper. Given 99 more lashings after images of wounds appear in medical report.
Another hole in one
As Blackwater Petrol hauls failed well-safety system aboard ship in Gulf of Mexico, faulty crane snaps, cap punches hole in ship's hull. Eleven crew members can't stop leak, go down with ship.
GPS Gets Columbus to the New World
Historians have found that Christopher Columbus had GPS aboard his flagship the Santa Maria, when he discovered the New World. The navigator was named Giuseppe Palermo Scarlatti!
You Get all the Fries With That
Burger King Holdings Inc, the nation's Number 2 hamburger chain was sold to the private equity firm 3G Capital. The deal is valued at $3.26 billion, but does not include a toy with the purchase!
Your Tax Dollars at Work
The Obama administration is clueless about the US economy, taxes, energy, immigration & Afghanistan. Meanwhile the EPA continues to try to reduce burping cows & their s**t from producing methane gas.
Tell Me True
Democrats deny Hillary will challenge Obama in 2012. After ramming health care down our throats, screwing-up the economy & trying to tax energy would you believe anything the liberal left has to say!
You've Got Mail
VP Biden predicts Democrats will retain control of Congress. Republican candidates have prepared letters to be delivered to the VP, after the mid-term elections, to fire his astrologer if wrong!
Michelle to Campaign for Democrats I
Michelle Obama will leave her garden and take the president's place on the mid-term election campaign trail. Pundits are already predicting the Democrat's will get squashed!
Michelle to Campaign for Democrats II
Michelle Obama will leave her garden and take the president's place on the mid-term election campaign trail. Pundits are already predicting the Congress will turn beet red!
Michelle to Campaign for Democrats III
Michelle Obama will leave her garden and take the president's place on the mid-term election campaign trail. Democrats via triage are limiting the cabbage spent on potentially losing candidates!
Michelle to Campaign for Democrats IV
Michelle Obama will leave her garden and take the president's place on the mid-term election campaign trail. Democrats consider the mid-term elections small potatoes for presidential involvement!
Michelle to Campaign for Democrats V
Michelle Obama will leave her garden and take the president's place on the mid-term election campaign trail. The president's use of garlic is distancing him from visiting Democratic candidates!
Five days after United States declares end of mission in Iraq, US soldiers open fire Sunday morning on suicide bombers in Baghdad. Obama: "See? That's why I didn't order that stupid banner!"
Rain Rain go away!
President Obama released information on a planned revenue maker. They are going to tax Americans for Rain. Yes they will keep tabs on the amount of runoff on your property. I wish this was a joke.
Vatican criticizes Iran for harsh punishment?
Iran calls for the stoning of an adulteress.Apparently there was only one in all of Iran & she got caught.Now the Vatican has priests everywhere fondling boys & nothing happens to the clergy. hmm?
Some MidEast Encouragement
Some progress in Mideast talks as Israel agrees to share the remote with PLO.
Bonds Denies Steroids
Barry Bonds still denies using steroids. Says second ass inherited in family's every third generation.
Warning To Tourists
U.S. Citizens that like clean bathrooms strongly urged not to go to Afghanistan, Pakistan.
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