Spoof news snippets from Sunday 5 September 2010
Suicide Bomber Blows Self Up!
"Suppository Bomber" goes off before he reaches crowd of shoppers in Iraq market. "He really showed his ass", stated person close by. "Anyone hurt?" "What? His ass is over there see, what?"
New Stallone Film
Stallone Learns New High Voice Sound for Upcoming Role as "Rickey"
Porn Filmer Sues Company!
Porn filming sues company saying that it has completely ruined his sex life. "My imagination is totally blank!"
Home Town Carpenter Days
"Let's Celebrate The Carpenters!" Day in New Haven, Conn. "Carpenter fans were coming out of the woodwork!', say organizers.
BP Answers Latest Accusations!
BP executives have no memory of having sex with group of nuns on floating iceberg while polar bears watched.
Stuffed Animal Bites Kid.
911 tells parent to buy stuffed animal a stuffed animal to play with. "If it gets tired playing with other stuffed animal it will be too tired to hurt kid. "Sober up, Mrs. Johnson!"
World Splitting Into 1,000 Special Groups!
Thousands of Indonesian Muslims protest US church's plan to burn Koran on 9/11. Plan to use rude gestures.
"I Was Not Fired!"
JetBlue Flight Attendant: Wasn't Fired, I Quit! "Didn't the whole world witness my leaving on my own?"
Mideast Peace Moves Closer!
PLO president rebuts Iranian president's criticism of peace talks with Israel, going as far as to call Ahmadinejad an illegitimate leader. Iran's response: "We'll take you both out!"
Forgot To Tell Militants?
5 days after Obama announced end of combat operations in Iraq, U.S. troops repel a complex attack by a group of heavily armed militants against a Baghdad military HQ. Obama: "May not know it's over!"
Labor Day A Little Late To Start!
As Obama Hones Economic Pitch, Window for Success Closing! Too little, too late say upset Democrats of boss!
Dearth Of News!
Little News Carried Over Three-Day Holiday! Japanese declare war on Iceland! UFO lands where new Mosque to be built! Elvis twin alive and well in Atlantis!
Mark Lowton may receive ASBO
There is a rumour on the internet that the editor of TheSpoof.com, Mark Lowton may well-receive an ASBO for painting a sign on his garden gate. It read: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
Home Cooking Can Be Deadly
Can home cooking be hazardous to your health? Only at your mother-in-laws!
Peace Talks In Jerusalem
US officials: Mideast peace talks to resume in Jerusalem on days Hamas rockets do not fall!
Fraud In Fortune Telling?
Psychics, fortune tellers being regulated to reduce fraud as this is known to happen from time to time.
Vatican Accuses Iran!
Vatican: stoning in Iran adultery case 'brutal'. Not like burning at the stake.
No RRH Decoys
Endangered or not, wolf killings set to expand but cannot use Red Riding Hood lures!
Messed It Up!
New Zealand cleans up after quake that tore them a new ass! I'm sorry, that should be "tore new fault line."
More Parents 'Redshirting' Kindergartners! Holding them back a full year so they get a better start once in school. Of course, in Arkansas & Kentucky they sometimes are redshirted until they're 12.
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb; he opened it and was blown to bits.
Ernest T (Taliban) Bass!
Taliban vow to disrupt Afghanistan election unless they get to fire guns into the air and blow a few of themselves up no matter who wins.
Tea Party Or Sane, We'll Take Them!
Tea party or establishment, GOP looks for gains in any way they can. Same as always.
Future hiring will mainly benefit the high-skilled, or very sexy.
No Beer Conference
Pakistan's president open to dialogue with al-Qaida, maybe a goat's piss conference.
Cable News Networks Declared Disaster Area
William Fugate, FEMA Administrator, declared all four cable news networks (CNN, MSNBC, Fox News and CNBC) a Federal Disaster Area after they screwed the pooch on their coverage of Hurricane Earl.
President Obama Honors Labor Day By Making a Personal Visit to All 975 US Workers
WASHINGTON, DC - President Barack Hussein Obama announced today that he would be visiting all 975 US workers to thank them personally for their hard work.
UK police introduce "caveman treatment" for controlling boozed up Babes!
Due to a rapid increasing of female anti-social behaviour UK police have introduced new treatment in an attempt to control it, it's called the Caveman Treatment and the naughty babes love it!
Magnitude 7.0 quake hits Christchurch on Saturday, will cost New Zealand about $2 billion. World's biggest global exporter of dairy products expected to sell lots of milkshakes to make up difference.
Retroactive Top Kill
To seal problem well, Blackwater Petrol will execute "bottom kill" to fill it with cement. Corporate executives' heads already full of cement before Gulf spill.
"Out in left field"
Chip Saltsman talks about new face of GOP, fiscal discipline, government restraint, job creation, says, "The country's just about had enough." Wrong again! We're completely fed up.
It's Our Right To Smoke!
PETA's latest lawsuit claims U.S. failing to protect Coqui Frog. Native American to appear before congressional committee over peyote-smoking religion.
Pelosi Hasn't Lost All Hope
Pelosi now being attacked by the Far Left. Still, she's promised more help from the more moderate communist party.
Bush Still On WMDs
George W. Bush says that he is still of the opinion that Saddam Hussein had WMD's hid in big spider holes than became afraid of the big spiders.
More Polls Coming
Latest Poll shows that people are sick to death of stupid polls.
Take Us Seriously
Myanmar distances itself from Burma days, Burma Shaves!
Mideast Talks Help
PLO and Israel thank Hillary Clinton for time to talk, reload.
Vuvuzelas Over Drums of War
Sound of the Vuvuzela drowned out the drums of war and saber rattling during South Africa games. So they're not so bad.
Hybrids Doing Their Own Ads.
New talking hybrid tomatoes to do their own ad on TV. Right now they are consulting with Raisins from "I Heard It Through The Grapevine" fame.
Enya Declares Ceasefire
Warbling Irish folk singer Enya has said today that her merciless attacks on the world of music are officially over.
Glen Beck Speech: "I have a dream of little Republicans & Democrats playing together in the White House Rose Garden"
Education No Help?
Students around the nation learning more from teacher layoffs than any other subject.
That Was Some Time Ago!
Beginning nest January "Tiger's Mistresses" will begin showing up on golf courses causing many to fondly recall the days of "Arnie's Army"!
Matbe The IS Global Warming
Large iceberg that fell off Greenland ice shelf now a cube in Carnival Cruise Captain's cocktail.
Sings His Demands!
The latest Bin Laden released video has an excellent sound track.
New US policy may have you place a spot of blood on every spent $100 bill. Most don't have to worry.
Tax Upon Tax, "Here A Little, There A Little"
States to pass new tax on all local taxes you're already paying!
US Military' "Don't ask, Don't Tell" being replaced by "Don't ass, Don't tail until all are sleeping well!"
Cricket Betting Gets Worse
They fixed almost every match': Now Pakistan player claims team mates were involved in betting scams.
Basque separatists ETA announce cease fire. "We're out of bullets!"
More Bad News Coming
Afghans continue pulling money from troubled bank, investing heavily in Nigerian banks.
Az. Guv Apologizes
Ariz. governor says she was wrong about beheadings. "We never should have went that far!"
LSU Over Sanction-Crippled NC
LSU holds on against short-handed Tar Heels 30-24. "It was a squealer", says LSU Coach Ned Beatty.
Ireland Salutes Blair!
Former PM Tony Blair being egged on in Ireland during book tour.
Obama 42% Rating
POLL: Obama approval at 42%. Congress at minus number for the first time!
Democracy Fading Fast?
DEMOCRATS PLAN POLITICAL TRIAGE TO RETAIN HOUSE! Most can remember when the people were the ones electing politicians.
France Still Banning Veils?
French bid to ban veils worries allies, tourists, brides.
Between Rock Heads & Rock Throwers!
Abbas: Will quit peace talks if no building freeze. Israeli settlers: "We'll vote you out if you make us leave."
Basque Separatists Announce Cease Fire!
Basque separatists ETA announce cease fire. "So quit firing at us, already."
Palin Neighbors Move
AP Interview: Author leaving home next to Palins! "She's starting to sag a bit!"
AA Ads: "WE Have A Sense Of Humor!"
JetBlue: Flight attendant's big exit was for good. May begin doing ads for American Airlines.
Traveler's Favorite Loses Job Permanently!
JetBlue: Flight attendant's big exit was for good so we hope his exit was fun. May have his own Talk Show this fall!
Still All Smiles!
Pulitzer-winning cartoonist Paul Conrad dies at 86. Funeral director stated that they didn't even have to place a smile on his face.
Can't Stand The Loud Laughter
AP Interview: Author leaving home next to Palins. "There must be up t0 1,000 republicans over their plotting away everyday!
Craigslist Removes Adult Feature
Craigslist strikes adult services under pressure from Las Vegas, Reno, etc.
Burger King to stop buying oil from Indonesian co. after third finger found this past year.
Burger King Switches
Burger King to stop buying oil from Indonesian co. Switching to BP's light sweet crude.
Top Summer Sky Objects
Top 10 Summer Sky Objects to See Before Fall: Saturn getting still another ring, topping that of Liz Taylor!
Top 10 Summer Sky Objects to See Before Fall: The former planet Pluto going on a mad rampage!
Boehner Perfect For Job
Speaker-in-waiting Boehner balances GOP factions. He would be perfect to unite "Their Bibles & Their Guns!"
One Day They'll Get It Right
Suicide car bomb explodes in Baghdad. For the fiftieth time, orders go out not to let a wild-looking driver through the streets.
More BP Delays
BP: Crews lifting device from Gulf face delay. No one expected any more delays, of course. Not from good old BP!
Rooney doesn't score goals therefore he "scored" with a £1k hooker!
Wayne Rooney has f****d up his life,his marriage,his career and £1K a night brunette bombshell hooker. The lives of our overpaid superstars knows no limits!
A blow job is still a job
Mounting public pressure forces San Francisco-based Craiglists to remove sex classifieds from site. City economy likely to suffer - those were the only Craiglists postings that led to paying work.
The art of faking it
Study: Sound waves can detect inorganic pigments using photoacoustic infrared (PAIR) spectroscopy to spot potential fakes without risk of damage. Discovers Mona Lisa was actually having a bad day.
The Pot Calling Johnny Walker Black
Recent behavioral science paper concludes that standard tests to determine intoxication levels in others can yield dramatically inaccurate results, especially if intoxicated while performing them.
Wana be rapper, Bitch Slapped out of music business for not using the words bitches or ho's in first single release.
The unknown rapper whose first single, "Yo, you my woman" was declared a traitor to all rappers for refering to bitches and ho's as women.
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