Spoof news snippets from Saturday 4 September 2010
Greyhound buses recalled to make bottom flooring heavier. "The big dog could become a rollover risk", says Safety Adviser.
Group of US war veterans want to buy area near Ground Zero to built twenty-story hog farm!
Dizzy Rascal reveals where he got his name
Dizzy Rascal has revealed how he got his name, it was the result of elocution lessons when he acted out "Round the ragged rock the ragged Rascal ran"
Woods Gets Advertiser
Tiger Woods finally inks endorsement deal With Fruit of the Loom! New "Tiger Tree Limbs"!
Looking For Bootlegger To Fill Him Up!
Arkansas man runs out of gasohol after continuing to siphon a nip from the tank.
Bush Not Worried
So what if Iran has a nuclear bomb", stated George W. Bush. "Just so long as they don't get that horrible Nucklar weapon!"
BP Late Again
BP: Crews face delay in lifting blowout preventer. "That gives us a 100% delay in everything!"
Poor Old Earl
Storm Earl makes landfall in Canada! Crawls into liquor store on outskirts of small town.
AMERICAN TAXPAYERS TO BAILOUT AFGHAN BANK!
More good news for the American taxpayer!
Hillary In Peace Talks
Hillary Clinton's Role in Israeli-Palestinian Peace Talks? "To make use of my warmth, my personality."
"Lost His Head!"
Israel: Explosions occurred at Hezbollah depot as a terrorist went off his head.
Not Playing Cricket
Fourth Pakistan player probed for 'fixing': report. "Should be horse-whipped", says Pete Rose.
Realy Great Cartoonist Dies
Pulitzer-winning cartoonist Paul Conrad dies ahem..hee hee at ah! Ha Ha Ha! 86! Whoohooo!!
Kanye West writes song for Taylor Swift
"I'mma Let U Sing This" bridges the gap between black-male gangsta rap and white-female country pop, West told his 273 fans on Twitter...
French May Turn Into Frogs!
Thousands protest French crackdown on Gypsies. Record 10,000 curses hurled!
Unless Something Happens Fast
The nation's economic woes jeopardize Dems' dim prospects!
Paul Solves It All
Mystery of the floating octopus solved, by Paul of course!
Monkeys Caught Monkeying Around During Full Moon! Those with monkey-fetish pay $100 for films.
No Lethal Drugs?
Lethal drug supply dries up, postponing US executions. "Try some of this", offers wino in alley."
Craigslist Removes Adult Services
Craigslist removes adult services section! "Happy now/ Someone else will pick it up!"
Ready For The Lights?
Top 10 Summer Sky Objects to See Before Fall Now That UFO Season is here!
PETA Only Trying To Help
PETA's new pamphlet: "Preparing Your Pet For Your Death" not being picked up at animal hospitals.
Ayeell, Sounds Good!
Obama pledges to work for a thriving middle class. "First time we've ever heard THAAAT!" says New Englander.
Earl A Spoiler
Earl's biggest damage in Northeast: Business! Everyone headed out so no big Labor Day Sales.
Police Arrest Lying Woman
Police: Woman who claimed she was raped, left in Forest Park was lying. "It was in Jackson Park. She was arrested, of course!"
BBC Announcer Shock
BBC Announcer introduces University Challenge: "And next up on BBC Two we have University Challenge. With strong language and violence from the start. Yes, Glasgow is playing."
Ashley Cole Wins Singing Contest.
It must have been The Ex-Factor.
Smurf Walk-Out On
Whole Smurf community walks out in protest. Claim they are tired of holding their breath during shows.
Mars Rover Has Been Reprogrammed
Mars Rover suddenly sending back photograph of Mars Bars but won't say where it is. Has learned to laugh.
More Gas, Less Food?
President Obama: We are going heavily into biofuels! Of course, that means we cut back on food but look how fat we are!
New Ratings System
According to FBI bug in your telephone and Goggle looking into your window, each married couple to get an official rating for everything from sex to hours watching TV.
Right Before Our Eyes All The Time
Breakthrough: Scientists now say that salmonella comes from female salmon!
Daily Sex Equals Healthy Sperm
Daily sex makes for healthier sperm according to study of 10 million men who volunteered to participate!
Mississippi Snubs Award!
State of Mississippi once again turns down "Fattest State"s Award, "The Kirstie".
Too Much Publicity Can Be Bad
Michael Jackson's final death certificate says that he was stepped upon by an elephant in the media circus!
Palin In 2012?
Palin motto for 2012: "Tired Of White Or Black, How About Supporting A Rack?"
Palin Back In Alaska
Sarah Palin back in Alaska getting ready for another run. "There's still a Mrs. American contest, isn't there?"
Japan: Don't Leave Us Out!
Japanese say they want their voice to be heard in international talks or will cease exporting bargaining chips!
Mole In Senate
Senator Al Franken is said to be secretly filming Senate for future SNL Shows.
Taliban Threaten US
Taliban repeat that they will follow American troops to US, hunt down Bush And Obama! Just as soon as they can borrow a truck.
Paris Hilton arrested again because she's such an airhead. "We always have a better than 50/50 chance of finding something", says cop posing for newspaper.
Body Found On Golf Course
Mutilated and badly burnt body with foot missing found on seaside golf course. Police suspect foul play!
Fighting Timebombs With Timebombs
Timebomb' alert as lenders hike mortgage rates adding thousands to home loans. One building society already has received a ticking package in return.
Back Taxes Due!
6m caught in tax debacle... and 1.4m will each have to pay out £1,500..half of toddler's piggy bank!
Female Brits abroad are branded the 'ugliest in the world' up until they discovered they weren't female after all!
Case Of The Missing Foot Man
Mutilated and badly burnt body with foot missing found on seaside golf course. Police call in Holmes, Marple and Poirot!
Nuts Attack Blair
Tony Blair apologizes for calling the Irish nuts. From now on they're eggs, shoes and rotten tomatoes.
Yo Mama's So Fat!
Scientific study shows that yo mama's so fat, they did a scientific study!
Earl Had No Balls!
Hurricane Katrina calls Hurricane Earl A Wuss after getting scared to hit the shore!
Like Nora Batty
Pope comes down from balcony and uses broom the run off gay couple wanting him to marry them!
Kim's Son Next Ruler!
Kim back from his visit to China with his son. Says he there will be no surprises in next year's elections..guaranteed.
Wrong Parts Getting Bigger!
Report: A new study says that women are getting more beautiful during evolution while only men's eyes improve and get bigger!
Sharp People There!
Guy on television who has no arms but writes with his feet immediately hired by bookmakers to do footnotes.
Page 2333, Footnote #7
Outside of that one provision to have all over 70 to be rounded up and shot, other Americans like the Obama Health Care Plan!
Consumer confidence up a little in August after dizziness in June and passed out all of August.
Nation Of Rich Cheats
The Swiss Bank delivers list of all Americans that have secret accounts there. It was delivered in a dump truck!
US Dollar Drops
The US dollar has sunken so low it has put counterfeiters out of business.
They're Getting Bigger Every Day
Minor league baseball teams get free fresh needles exchange.
Usually Only A Bump-In!
Texting banned in Florida for older drivers with left turn signal on.
Something Has Gone Wrong!
Sudden full eclipse surprises scientists! Discover kids put old blanket over end of big telescope!
Study: The economy has actually improved to "Desperate".
President Unveils New Stimulus Plan That is Twice As Good As Last One
WASHINGTON, DC - President Obama released his new Advanced Stimulus System (ASS), that he touts as "twice as good as the last plan".
Senate Committee to Subpoena Mother Nature
WASHINGTON, DC - Senator Joseph I. Lieberman issued a subpoena for Mother Nature to explain why Hurricane Earl failed to cause substantial damage as predicted by most cable news networks.
Willy Wonka Candy Comes Up with New Candy
Due to the upsurge in popularity in everything Stephen Hawking says these days, Willy Wonka has named a new candy after him. It's called "Hawking Goobers"
Dick Cheney Has Blood On His Hands
Dick Cheney has blood on his hands. And clothes. Pretty much all the time. Blood of the people he tortures. For fun.
Obama On Vacation Since 2009
Update: Prsident Obama been on vacation since 2009. Several Kenyan brothers at the White House taking his place, especially the one with the graying hair!
Overnight Update #2
Gates Says US Gaining Ground in Kandahar. Ten miles in six years not bad.
Overnight News Update
New Zealand Rocked by Quake. Former PM Blair quaked by rock!
Venezuela moves toward food rationing, introduces 'Good Life Card' as Russian wheat staying at home.
Can't Get There From Here
UPDATE: Hundreds of planes stuck in China Airport traffic jam, following cars and trucks earlier.
Slipped His Mind
President Claims Job Creation; Doesn't Mention Net Job Loss of 54,000.
Porn Pen Letters
German party mistakenly hands out porn pens to kids. Tries recall but none brought back yet.
Morgan gets 8 games for Nats-Marlins brawl, especially since neither had anything to fight for!
Tiger Has To Rally
Tiger has to rally to keep playing, didn't wake up until the 12th hole!
Roethlisberger Suspended Four Games!
Roethlisberger suspension reduced to 4 games, 3 if he shows good behavior toward cheerleaders on the sideline.
"Until We Meet Again"
Happy trails for Colorado's Buckskin Joe, the fake setting for both True Grit and White Buffalo torn down.
Continental recalling furloughed pilots. "We think they have had time to dry out."
Paris Hilton Burglar Pleads Innocent
Suspect in Paris Hilton burglary pleads not guilty. Paris still insists he stole her stash!
Anna Nicole Missed Everything!
Witness recants statements in Anna Nicole case. May have still another trial.
You Have To Bargain!
Taylor Lautner settles suit over RV for movie set as owner gets all the publicity he can.
No Lawsuit Necessary
Taylor Lautner settles suit over RV for movie set with out push-up contest.
Reality Show Canceled
New reality show, "Hanging With Saddam" ruled too boring after one show.
Fox: Kara DioGuardi departs 'American Idol' Estimated at least 250 shoes hurled through TV screens.
High Tech Weathercasts
Thanks to high-tech, storm track easier to predict...it's coming THIS way?
Texans Demand Investigation
Texas opens inquiry into Google search rankings after listing of "cheerleaders" doesn't place "Cowboy Cheerleaders" first.
Texas After Google!
Texas opens inquiry into Google search rankings after discovering "Cowboys" not listed first on football teams.
Clinton Frustrated Just A Bit
Clinton: Time is now for Mideast peace. "Guys, get off the floor. OK OK! Two out of three.
Sure Thing, Sweetie!
Clinton: Time is now for Mideast peace. Calls for Israel, 47 countries around it to disarm.
Goodbye Earl Goodbye
US says goodbye to Earl as storm spins into Canada, tail between his legs.
Preparing For Taliban Talks
Karzai sets up panel with adult diapers to pursue talks with Taliban.
Give Bombs A Chance
US military chief seeks Turkish support over Iran. "All we are saying is to blow up their nuclear facilities as a goodwill gesture."
Full Of Blarney!
Shoes, eggs, mostly potatoes hurled at ex-Brit PM Blair in Dublin.
Not A Good Welcome
Shoe, eggs, shit hurled at ex-British PM Tony Blair in Dublin!
Home Cooking Safe?
Can home cooking be hazardous to your health? Probably not. You should try it sometimes.
Teach Them A Lesson
Burger King to stop buying cooking oil from British Petroleum!
Need Some Answers Here!
Analysis: Special-ops on show to woo war skeptics. "These were trained years ago. Have no idea why a whole army was sent into Iraq!"
We Were Trained For This
Analysis: Special-ops on show to woo war skeptics. Special teams trained for years can strike and leave in minutes. So why wasn't this done all along?
Earl Was Mostly Talk!
US says goodbye to Earl as storm spins into Canada. "Earl was a girl", say Southeners.
Obama Committed To Middle Class?
Obama says he's committed to helping middle class or what's left of it after my first two years in office.
Still No Wins Since Last Thanksgiving
Tiger has to rally to keep playing as he's blowing yet another golf tournament.
Bristol Palin tells Leno 'Dancing' choice was easy. "I especially like to do the 'Gimme Three Steps' at the Lynyrd skynyrd School of Dancing".
Little Regular Dancing
Bristol Palin tells Leno 'Dancing' choice was easy. "In Alaska some old drunk was always shooting at your feet."
Minnesota State Fair
Muslims take to Minn. State Fair to repair image. Head coverings sometimes get them mixed in with the Amish.
Just Like Warrenty Says
Mickey D's say that they change their deep-fat frying oil every 3,000 customers whether it needs it or not.
Smell That Mousey?
Burger King to stop buying oil from Indonesian co. after cats keep trying to get in.
Burger King Drops Oil Imports
Burger King to stop buying oil from Indonesian co. after admitting they don't know what's actually in it.
Accuracy More Important Than The Murders?
Ariz. governor says she was wrong about beheadings. "Actually drug cartel left most of heads attached.
Another Earthquake, This Time In New Zealand
Buildings collapse, 2 injured in powerful NZ quake. It's like the Earthquake Monster is throwing darts at a map about twice a week.
Oh Blackwater, Keep On Rolling!
Report: Blackwater created shell companies to grab all the government bids that they could, using many names. "Just trying to help the economy", stated Spokesman.
Government Taken For Another Ride!
Report: Blackwater created shell companies to continue grabbing up government funds intended to help Iraqis, and building cheap products.
Home Cooking #4
Can home cooking be hazardous to your health? It's according to if you seldom do anything but wipe off the used dishes.
Home Cooking #3
Can home cooking be hazardous to your health? Yes, if you stop at a local restaurant and bring that food home to heat up for dinner.
Home-Cooking Bad For You?
Can home cooking be hazardous to your health? "More people should go out and eat!" This is brought to you by the nation's restaurants who are in financial trouble.
Home Cooking Not So Good?
Can home cooking be hazardous to your health? Only if the home has some of it's patients helping in the kitchen, say officials.
Obama Should Be Committted?
Obama says that he needs to be committed. I'm sorry, that should be "Obama says that he's committed to the needs of the middle class!
Earl Looks Weak, Wobbly!
Weakened Earl packs less force than feared after running into that group of women welcoming the sailors home in the south.
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