Spoof news snippets from Friday 3 September 2010
World 33stone Lighter - Obesity Global Warming Link!
Cyril Smith RIP - "Global Warming delayed by three minutes" say scientists..."the world is a lighter place and is spinning faster on it's axis - we need to kill off the obese to save the planet"
Knitty Nut Admits Work Place Stress Syndrome!
Jane Fraser-Cross has admitted that knitting the Premiers daughter's christening shawl was the most stressfull work she has done in her life. Cameron commented "no wonder the old twat looks so young"
Safety For Weathermen
How Weather Reporters Stay Safe While Covering Hurricanes! "See this green wall? I stand in front of it and they project me outside."
Japan's Dolphin Hunt
No dolphins killed in Japan's controversial annual hunt. "But many had heart attacks!"
Not So Easy To Leave
Bomb kills 54 in Pakistan, Taliban threaten U.S. "You can leave but we'll follow you home!"
Sla Espano: President Obama just had the Oval Office redecorated. Now it faces East.
William Hague vehemently denies he's "Gay" so what!
Yet another Westminster politician has been caught with his pants down with a male partner, but this time it's different, Hague was not caught, but nearly, what a load of old bollocks!
Sperm Count Trails Off
Sperm Levels Drop With Frequent Ejaculation! "And one ball left" adds Lance Armstrong!
Space Program Speeded Up
NASA told to speed up programs as three earth-type planets discovered in the solar system. Need To launch before Iran Loosens bombs!
We Were First
Blue states are being sued representatives of the Smurf people!
Won't Be Any Here
This years Labor Day Parades have been outsourced to India and Mexico!
Bill Doesn't Bother Me! Wish He Would.
Sec of State Hillary Clinton asked if she was embarrassed by recent pics of her husband Bill talking to another young lady and getting very friendly. "He's made me embarrassment proof" stated Clinton.
Top Obama critic blasts 'job-killing' policies. "You can't tax job providers and help unemployment. These will have to lay off enough people to offset higher taxes!
BREAKING: Runaway Train Reported Leaving London
A Runaway Train is currently out of control between Paddington and the turning for Heathrow. The Train Operator states for a change that the service will arrive at Reading "On Time"
20% Unemployment Thing Really Spinned
White House boasts that four out of every five Americans are now employed!
Talks Never Hurt Anything
Abbas agrees to fresh Israeli-Palestinian talks in Egypt, but has little support at home. Claims he can at least stall them from attacking Iran nuclear arsenal.
US Blacks can't swim why?
The US Black population cannot swim and they have never tried to learn, why? The main reason is that during slavery they were sent to the swamps for a swim and most never returned, Alligators!
Don't Tread On Me, Either
Judge Overturns Nebraska Ban On Flag Mutilation! Veterans overturn judge on his way to parking lot!
Put Them On Display Also!
Anonymous Native Americans dig up white settler's bones and send them to museums that display their ancestor's bones.
Iran Hold Nuclear Bombs Over Arabs Also!
Ticking time bomb continues in Iran as PLO and Israel work on peace plan that doesn't include Iran. Saudis, Kuwaiti's nervous!
Poor Little Farrakhan
Farrakhan: Ground Zero Mosque Protests Racist! Any accusations of any minority is racist.
We're All Nuts. Dollars In Trillions, Nuke Exchanges!
Iran Could Strike Israeli Nuclear Site If Attacked. Israel says it may have to launch them before they are attacked.
Obama Loses Backing
Obama Loses Backing on Taxes. Democrats running for office distance themselves from Washington!
Do Or Die?
De Borchgrave: Chance of Israeli Attack on Iran 50-50 and Rising as nuclear weapons ability becomes closer!
Cruelty & Slander Charges!
Prince Harry faces animal cruelty claim over polo pony's stab wound from his spur, calling Animal Rights agent an old Goat!
Why Not Fix Potholes?
Council forces pensioners to drag wheelie bins 100 yards - so DUSTMEN aren't injured on potholed road. Several injuring backs plan to sue council!
Hotels Unwelcome Guests
Bedbug fears put bite on the hotel industry as whole buildings close for treatment!
BBC Admits Bias For The Left
ADMITS: BBC had 'massive bias to left'. Almost as bad as CNN, CBS, ABC & NBC in America.
Katie Price stranded in Tripoli
Katie Price is stranded in Lybia's capital, Tripoli as a result of a 'google' search error. She was actually searching for labia surgery.
Washinton Treaty Not Worth Much!
Israeli leaders who doubt peace treaty urge leaders to remember all the Washington peace treaties with native Americans.
Iran Urges PLO: No Peace Treaty!
Ahmadinejad calls on Palestinians to fight on no matter what papers they sign in Washington.
Muslim Cleric Calls For Beheading
Muslim cleric calls for beheading of Dutch politician. "We could hold him until mosque built at Ground Zero!
Never Mind Oil Shortage!
Fears grow over global food supply; Mozambique hit by riots as Russia extends grain export ban. As the old Cree chief stated, "You Cannot Eat Money!".
Headed In Right Direction
Obama: We must be headed in the right direction because we're headed in EVERY direction!"
Now It's A Truck Jam!
Thousands of trucks stuck in China traffic jam. Perishables being taken off as best they can.
Obama to comment on unemployment report Friday before going to Camp David vacation.
Largest Tax Hike In US History Coming 2011!
120 Days to Go Until Largest Tax Hikes in History, as families, small jobs plan to cut back!
Government Still Hiring As Soon As Jobs Created
TREASURY HEAD RUSHES BACK FROM VACATION; AIDES SEARCH FOR OTHER JOBS PACKAGE. GOVERNMENT CREATES NEW MADE-UP JOBS!
Labor Sec Uses Positive Spin!
Labor Sec. Declares: 'There are jobs out there. They're just not in the US."
NPR: Recovery Hits Pothole!
NPR: 'Recovery Summer' Ends With Economic Pothole. Will unemployment checks be extended for another 2 years?
283,000 Jobs Lost During "Recovery"
Economy LOST 283,000 jobs during 'Recovery Summer' months. Several will now be leaving the military!
Welfare State Advances
UNEMPLOYMENT JUMPS TO 9.6%.Up to 16% if counting those who are no longer actively looking, due to year & a half long unemployment payments.
A Nike ad campaign designed for West Virginia's football team upsets a group of environmentalists, something almost unheard of now-a-days!
Falling Speed Camera Convictions.
Police say they will ensure they're bolted down more securely in future.
Obama Outlaws Chinese.
He will only order pizza or hamburgers from now on.
Man Bite Police Over Dog
Police arrested an 82-year-old man after he bit and kicked officers who had arrived to mediate in a dispute with a neighbor over a domestic pet. Growled all the way to jail in Amsterdam.
Delta Adding 'Seats'!
Delta plans 747 seating upgrade. Swinging hammocks located over the heads of seated passengers!
The More The Less Merry
Delta plans 747 seating upgrade. "We're ready to add fold-out chairs for the aisles."
Delta Seating Updated
Delta plans 747 seating upgrade. Customers asked not to exhale anymore than possible.
AA Pilot Cleared
American Airlines pilot cleared of alcohol. "We just had him to take off a week and dry out", says spokesman.
14Th Warshawski Novel Out!
Sara Paretsky publishes 14th Warshawski mystery according to Laketshobgrabowski Publishing Company!
Box Office Preview: 'Machete' should chop up all its competition!
Crocodile Back In US
Crocodile Dundee' to return to US amid tax fray. "I asked me mate, Willie Nelson to take care of that."
"I'll Bring Attention To The Cause!"
Panel: India must secure elephant reserves. Actress Kirstie Alley volunteers to help.
Hig Tech Weather Reporting
Thanks to high-tech, storm track easier to predict. Weathermen now correct over 2-% of the time!
Jobless Rate Rises!
Companies add 67K workers, but jobless rate rises as over 100,000 let go, many being egg factory workers.
Washington Drug Dealers
POLITICAL INSIDER: Pawlenty: DC like 'drug dealer'. They feed us money that is borrowed from the future or lack of non for our kids.
Dems: No Tax Hike On Rich
More Dems buck plan to let taxes increase for rich. "We rich folks have got to stick together."
Secret Reason For Baby
David & Samantha Cameron have held an interview with selected media. They confirm their new child was born now as "the country could be run better by a five year old". Next Election: 5 years then.
Egg Farm Outcasts
Former egg farm workers say complaints ignored. One shows reporters the feathers that have mutated into her hair. "Feather disease rampant."
Bad Egg Farms
Former egg farm workers say complaints ignored. One tells press that none of them have regained their sense of smell.
Egg Farm Workers Talk
Former egg farm workers say complaints ignored . One shoes press old pair of chickenshit shoes.
Progress In War Zone!
Gates sees progress in tour of Afghan war zone. "But I'm not sure it's ours."
Beginning In Iran!
Mass Extinction Threat: Earth on Verge of Huge Reset Button? Yes and it's painted red!
Crows Attack Iran Leader's Opposition.
Crowds attack home of Iranian opposition leader after receiving unexpected bonus from the government in the mail.
Gates Sees Progress
Gates sees progress in tour of Afghan war zone. "It's the calmest I've witnessed since the old Soviet Union's seventh year of occupation."
If It Isn't One Thing...
Indonesia's smoking toddler kicks the habit. Now he's into alcohol!
Rhett Butler's Child Dies At 76
'Gone with the Wind' child actress dies at 76. She was cremated and her ashes scattered to the wind.
Hair gives a heads-up on heart attack risk. Are you losing hair? Could be stress! Or it could be changing colors every other week.
Illegal Immigrants Leaving
Illegal immigrants: Which states have lost the most? Most likely Arizona as they show Washington what a backbone looks like!
Az. Sheriff Under Fed Harrassment For Doing Job!
Joe Arpaio: Why is Obama administration suing an outspoken Arizona sheriff? Don't they know that the rallying cry of "Free Joe Arpaio, American Patriot!" will resound across the nation?
Why Accuse The Defender?
Joe Arpaio: Why is Obama administration suing an outspoken Arizona sheriff? They should be helping him keep drug lords out of the US!
Under White House Orders Not To Protecy AZ.?
Joe Arpaio: Why is Obama administration suing an outspoken Arizona sheriff? Especially when he's fighting Mexican drug lords from taking over his state.
He Was Lonesome At The Lab!
Police question scientist in Miami airport scare as he brings his 7-foot, bolt-through-neck friend.
Honk! Honk! Brrrrgghhh!
Mass Extinction Threat: Earth on Verge of Huge Reset Button? It's probably a nuclear release red button. Survivors will all be talking like "vuvuzelas".
Book A 20-Year Work
God did not create the universe, says Hawking. Read all about it in his new book, "Up Shit Creek".
Hawking: You Don't Exist Either
God did not create the universe, says Hawking. "In fact, those reading this don't actually exist either."
Earth Starting Over?
Mass Extinction Threat: Earth on Verge of Huge Reset Button? A nuclear war & the earth starts over. That's today's Good News sponsored by "Nuclear Energy-Why We Need It!"
Earth Purging Itself
Mass Extinction Threat: Earth on Verge of Huge Reset Button? This tie it may be our species to be wiped out. More later! (If time allows).
Hurricane Earl upgraded to 'Business Class'
'I need to stretch my legs and get rid of all this trapped wind" he said.
Hawking Sounding Strange
God did not create the universe, says Hawking. "It was started by a fruit fly named Henry." Some question scientist's sanity.
Fed Launches Investigation
Feds launch investigation of Gulf platform fire. None for many years and now there's suddenly two within months!
BP Owes $8 Billion!
BP says cost of Gulf of Mexico spill hits $8B. Gulf coast businesses, fishing industry: That would be a good start.
Earl Hurries By
Some flooding on NC Outer Banks as Earl passes, pisses, staggers on his way.
The "Coles" divorce has gone through.
She lip-synced, he did his by text.
Size does matter!
A new survey has shown that obese people, despite all the bad press, are still the jolliest people in Britain!
Man dies of embarrassment in Paris Hilton
Well, wouldn't you...?
Going for broke
President Karzai's brother calls for economic intervention by US to head off financial meltdown in Afghanistan. US: "We already had to borrow money to fight a war in Afghanistan."
Airing her dirty laundry
Arizona flag law: No sports pennants, Jolly Rogers, rainbow banners or historic Gadsden flags. What about Jan Brewer's skidmarked undies, which I can clearly see drying in the breeze from my window?
Better late than never
California gubernatorial candidate Jerry Brown finally appears, explains why he "laid low" this summer: "If we responded to every Meg Whitman attack ad, we'd have run out of money before I was born!"
The evolution of offshore drilling
Officials say fire on offshore oil platform owned by Houston-based Maritime Energy likely caused by Neolithic CEO rubbing two sticks together.
Better luck next time
After offshore oil platform burns near Louisiana, all 13 of the platform's crew members were rescued from the water. Next time, officials say they will make sure there are 14 crew members.
He's a very lucky man
Luis Freddy Lala continues journey after surviving massacre in Mexico that leaves 72 other migrants on way to US dead. Good thing he didn't emerge across Arizona border in Jan Brewer's back yard!
Just who got the shaft?
Ultrasound indicates Elizabeth Segovia is going to have a baby girl. Husband Ariel Ticona: "That's great, honey, but if rescuers don't get us out of this mine pretty soon, I'm gonna have a cow!"
UK gets the arse end
Due to the existence of a cosmic wormhole, Stephen Hawking's new book "The Grand Design" will be published on September 7 in the United States and September 9 in the United Kingdom.
Need any speech writers?
In light of August unemployment numbers, President Barack Obama prepares to deliver remarks on Friday. Americans say they would prefer he just deliver some damn jobs.
You want a peace of me??
Israeli, Palestinian leaders agree to meet again in less than two weeks to continue peace talks - that is, of course, unless they decide to blow each other to smithereens first.
BP Says Limits on Offshore Drilling Could Imperil Oil Spill Payouts
USA says, "Yeah, but more perilous BP drilling offshore could pay out unlimited oil spills."
Harvard learning curve
California Republican gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman dismissed from jury duty: "Sure, it's an important civic duty, but I only just started voting recently - one responsibility at a time!"
14-Year-Old Math Prodigy
Maths prodigy, 14, becomes youngest Cambridge student since 1773. "He had us figured out in two minutes", says reporter.
May Move Here!
Love letter to America: Gushing tributes to Obama and Bush in U.S. version of Blair memoirs. Cusses out every politician in Brit version.
This Is Not Cricket
Cricket fixer's cash trail leads to captain but Pakistan's most senior diplomat insists the players were set up, by one Shoeless Joe Mahil.
Can Draw Their Oil Checks
Japan reports that there are now over 1,000 out of 1,250 robots out of work due to bad economy, most from automotive line.
Mermaids Get Oil Clean-Up
First mermaids show up on the coast for oil cleaning. As a reward, every volunteer there gets to help.
She Had A Big Wart On Her Ass!
Playboy Magazine subscribers mad after publishers forget to airbrush out all the ladies defects.
Seems Natural Enough
Report: While Chinese workers build windmills for the US, they have adopted the old shipmates song of "Blow The Man Down!"
More trouble for Toyota. Cd players jump from low to scream when crossing a bridge.
Whoops, She Sure Shot Outa There!
Doctors, dentists are warned that they are not to be texting while delivering babies, pulling teeth.
Airport Air Traffic Controllers prohibited from texting while landing planes.
Personal Computer Cleanup Scam
A federal agency is warning PC owners of a scam that claims to provide software to clean up dirty PCs. When the product arrives in the mail, it is a roll of toilet paper & a bottle of spray cleaner!
Dinner with President Obama
PM Benjamin Netanyahu of Israel, PA President Mahmoud Abbas, Pres. Hosni Mubarak of Egypt, and Jordan's King Abdullah II left the Wednesday night White House dinner, when the pork roast was served.
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