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Rating:

President Obama: I run on barely concealed rage at my...

President Obama: America runs on Dunkin', I run on Marlboros, two at a time, and barely concealed rage at my absentee father.

written by anthonyrosania, 23 September 2010
Rating:

Obama: ...I want to know how she tastes.

Said President Obama, on the retirement of Methuselah, "Helen Thomas looks like Grampa from The Munsters if he had on Bay City Rollers wig. Nevertheless, I want to know how she tastes.

written by anthonyrosania, 23 September 2010
Rating:

Too Soon?

Tony Hayward yachting in the very water he spilled oil in? Definition of too soon. That's like Elin catching Tiger Woods jerking off. Oh, sorry, UK readers: Wanking.

written by anthonyrosania, 23 September 2010
Rating:

It's NEVER the victims fault when they get raped by a pack of...

"I can't believe Mel Gibson is so insensitive," said lawyers for Oksana Eanqpuenbpefnbf: "It's NEVER the victims fault when they get raped by a pack of... Wait, am I missing the point?"

written by anthonyrosania, 23 September 2010
Rating:

She will begin having sex with Magic Johnson at 12:01AM...

Virginia woman set to be executed tonight by lethal injection. "She will begin having sex with Magic Johnson at 12:01AM."

written by anthonyrosania, 23 September 2010
Rating:

The man's got flawless knees.

CNN: The news today is all about some guy named Ahmadinejad and nothing about Hasselhoff getting kicked off DWTS for "bad knees". The man's got flawless knees. Cover Up!!!

written by anthonyrosania, 23 September 2010
Rating:

I Know Tragedy, Said Senate Hopeful Linda McMahon. "My Daughter Was Once Kidnapped By The Undertaker."

I Know Tragedy, Said Senate Hopeful Linda McMahon. "My Daughter Was Once Kidnapped By The Undertaker."

written by anthonyrosania, 23 September 2010
Rating:

Facebook protests movie, disables website

Outraged by the upcoming release of The Social Network movie, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has pulled the plug on its popular website until Columbia Pictures agrees not to show the film.

written by Skews Me, 23 September 2010
Rating:

Bend it like Beckham

Former England Captain's private life comes out after encounter with paps. Well it's a lot more detailed than his C.V. ever could be.

written by masterchev, 23 September 2010
Rating:

Woman takes on bear... and wins

Woman attacks bear with courgette. RSPCA searching for her after they settled their other annual case of "dog in a dumpster"

written by masterchev, 23 September 2010
Rating:

England Team Given Deli Go Ahead

Following speculation Capello won't let them eat at all to avenge losses at South Africa.

written by masterchev, 23 September 2010
Rating:

Three-year-olds being labelled bigots by teachers??

Blame Super Nanny!

written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Rating:

Eating three square meals a day 'a better way to diet than grazing'

WTF? Not if you are a fat, lazy cow hooked on grass!

written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Rating:

Bentley recalls 1,500-strong fleet amid fears retractable 'Winged B' could injure pedestrians

Fortunately the spiked titanium bull bars remain intact!

written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Rating:

Facebook's Mark Zuckerberg is valued at $6.9bn in Forbes That's Rich list

Claims to have more dosh than Apple's Steve 'Big' Jobs and NewsCorpse's Rupert 'The Bear' Murdoch

written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Rating:

BBC's John Humphrys' abrasive voice used to scare off Old Dears from allotments

Always said he'd missed his true vocation!

written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Rating:

UK homosexual population: Just 1.5% of Britons say they are gay, lesbian or bisexual

The other 98.5% of respondents are lying says Gaydar

written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Rating:

Britain's youngest mother,12, evicted 'after throwing up at wild drug-fuelled panties'

Er, should read 'after throwing wild drug-fuelled parties'...

written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Rating:

Mystery US millionaire donates $8m to Australian wombats

Sexual guilt, eh?

written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Rating:

Kazakhstan president for Nobel Peace Prize?

If Barack Obama can win it then anyone can.

written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Rating:

Bill Clinton blames Russian immigrants as obstacle to peace

Well, he should know, being a top KGB colonel from Bloodyvostock!

written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Rating:

Sesame St drops 'inappropriate' Katy Perry

Sure must have upset the Trash Heap big time!

written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Rating:

Oxytocin - a love hormone that could cure shyness?

Try alcohol, works just as easily and without need for messing about with bodily secretions!

written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Rating:

French thieves dressed as cleaning ladies used their Hoovers!

A gang of French ex-cleaning ladies used an ingenious method to suck the cash out of the tills whilst robbing shops, their Hoovers! The French Publique have named them "Les Scrubbers Terribl├ęs"!

written by Jaggedone, 23 September 2010
Rating:

LibDem conference: Vince Cable turns his guns on home owners

Coroner at Mark Saunders' police shooting inquest says "Oh yes?"

written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Rating:

Eskimo loophole to save Scotland's sporran industry?

More like Icelandic sinkhole if you ask me!

written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Rating:

Cats threat to UK stem cell supremacy?

Nah, it's cuts, silly!

written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Rating:

Two drinks make elderly unsteady on feet

The first one is alcohol and the second liquid paraffin....

written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Rating:

Gordon Brown Stig quotes No1

Some people say that when he fills up his car, he contemplates whether he's cheating on America.

written by masterchev, 23 September 2010
Rating:

Ten Best Places In The World To Be Gay?

The White House, Buckingham Palace, The Vatican, The Kremlin, Madame Jo-Jo's, Britain's Got Talent TV show, Hampstead Heath, the British Army, the French Army, BBC Board of Governors...

written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Rating:

Man U FC under screwtiny following Rooney fiasco

Hookers banned from wearing away strip and from shagging on the touchlines.

written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Rating:

CIA ran a secret army of 3,000 assassins

And why not when it's so easy to blame the hits on the KGB and Mossad!

written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Rating:

Nudists fight for bear necessities as swingers invade top UK fleshpot haunt

That's no way to describe the Pratts Bottom Women's Institute!

written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Rating:

The secret deal that bailed out the monarchy!

Cops turned a blind eye to Charles' bank robberies, cocaine dealing and insider trading of Northern Crock Bank shares!

written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Rating:

Guys don't care what you look like naked says Julia Roberts

Pretty damning indictment on the state of her love life says current squeeze.

written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Rating:

UK stuck in a 'mortgage famine'?

That's what happens when you screw over the Fat of the Land!

written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Rating:

Trident decision 'on hold until 2015' say Lib Dems

Yeah, but WTF do THEY know??

written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Rating:

Bang! Ahmadinejad blasts Israeli leader

Fortunately no blunderbuss involved.

written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Rating:

Scientists Say Deadly Malaria Came To Humans From Gorillas

So stop blaming poor Cheryl Cole's hairy armpit!

written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Rating:

May blames yob crime rise on Labour

So what? June and July say it's the Tories' fault all along.

written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Rating:

Irish economy suffers shock contraction!

Birthpang fears that another Irish Anti-Christ is about to be spawned!

written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Rating:

Six reasons why Liverpool FC are pants:

Liverpool 1-3 Aston Villa, Liverpool 1-2 Lyon, Portsmouth 2-0 Liverpool, Liverpool 1-2 Reading, Birmingham City 1-1 Liverpool, Liverpool 2-2 Northampton Town etc

written by queen mudder, 23 September 2010
Rating:

Brit Fish & Chip Shop owner battered to death

'He tastes better than the haddock' say customers.

written by pinxit, 23 September 2010
Rating:

The BBC have been broadcasting Chris Moyles and not paying him.

survey suggest that listeners would much rather this were the other way round.

written by matthatt, 23 September 2010
Rating:

Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, Paris Hilton, Sarah Palin & LiLo in same bed

New varieties of roses unveiled at IOW Flower Show

written by pinxit, 23 September 2010
Rating:

Paris Hilton sent home from Japan,

China says, "We will have you!"

written by matthatt, 23 September 2010
Rating:

Salon Owner Comments on Rose O'Donnell Vajazzling

There aren't enough Swarovski crystals in the world.

written by Charpa93, 23 September 2010
Rating:

Wienerschnitzel Pays College Men for Ad Space on Crotches

Owner of Wienerschnitzel John Galardi announced today that the fast-food company will begin paying college students $1,000 each to wear Speedos with slogans emblazoned across the crotch.

written by Moose, 23 September 2010
Rating:

Check, Cash or Credit Card

New Republican Congress plans to introduce legislation to recoup the $3 trillion spent by the previous Congress. Each of 59 Democrats will be assessed approximately $50 billion over their lifetime!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 September 2010
Rating:

Running Scared

US economy is in the crapper, unemployment at 9.6% & the Obama administration is wrapped around the axle with "Don't Ask Don't Tell!" No wonder Tea party candidates scare the president & SML Reid!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 September 2010
Rating:

Shall We Dance

Democratic governor of a blue state on the Chesapeake Bay touts how many jobs he has created, while the state's unemployment rate keeps rising. Sounds like the Obama two-step song and dance!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 September 2010
Rating:

FED Tackles Economic Growth

Federal Reserve policymakers are debating what steps are needed to get the U.S. economy to grow at a faster rate. One suggestion is to expand the FED portfolio with Viagra, Cialis and Levitra!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 September 2010
Rating:

The Keystone Cops Were Busy

Larry summers departure as director of the National Economic Council has led to speculation about his replacement. President Obama is considering a woman for the position, such as Lady Gaga!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 September 2010
Rating:

While I'm Here at the UN

Iranian President Ahmadinejad speaks at the UN, railing against the USA and capitalism for causing poverty. He then heads to Bellevue Hospital to have his head removed from his ass!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 September 2010
Rating:

Obama Addresses the UN

President Obama apologizes to the UN for capitalism possibly causing poverty. He says he is working as fast as he can on the USA economy to eliminate capitalism!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 September 2010
Rating:

Imprunement Proceedings

The new Republican Congress considers impeaching President Obama. A representative from Georgia says "can we imprune him, as we raise a lot of tasty peaches in Georgia?"

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 September 2010
Rating:

Not Mr. Popularity

President Obama is economically challenged, Commander in Chief putting his left wing political base ahead of the USA's national interest in Afghanistan & spends taxpayer money the USA doesn't have!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 September 2010
Rating:

Program Management (PM) 103

Plan 3 scheduled approaches to fix the problem (US economy), low risk long schedule, medium risk average schedule, & high risk aggressive schedule (Obamanomics)! If fail look for other employment!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 September 2010
Rating:

World's Smelliest Cheese

Vieux Boulogne, a French cheese the world's smelliest cheese? A Man in Hog Jaw Arkansas claims the cheeseburger he found in the back seat of his 1956 Chevy contains the world's smelliest cheese!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 September 2010
Rating:

FDA Labels Needed on Genetically Engineered Salmon

Man eats genetically engineered salmon, adding eel genes to make the fish grow bigger. Wife notices increased size of husband's anatomy, without Viagra. However, dorsal fins & tail present obstacles!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 September 2010
Rating:

At the Distracted Drivers Conference

The Secretary of the Interior indicated that non-hands free devices such as cell phones, texting devices and vibrators must not be used while driving any motorized vehicle!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 September 2010
Rating:

Distracted Driver Warning Labels

New warning labels on cell phone and texting device packaging. Label reads "YOU STUPID, IGNORANT, BASTARD DON'T USE THIS DEVICE WHILE DRIVING AS YOU MAY KILL SOMEONE OTHER THAN YOUR MISERABLE SELF!"

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 September 2010
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