Spoof news snippets from Thursday 2 September 2010
Mexican Drug Cartels In Arizona!
Sheriff: 'Mexican drug cartels control parts of Arizona and the US Government is trying to put ME away!"
US To Help Afghan Bank?
Calls for USA to shore up Afghanistan Bank as withdrawals accelerate. What with, money we borrow from China?
Kim Declares Day Of Mourning
Famed Tasmanian devil euthanized after tumor found. Kim in Korea declares national day of mourning.
Clinton Getting A Little Hot
Hopeful sign: More talks for Israel, Palestinians. Hillary: One longass story after another.
Dems Buck Tax Plan!
More Dems buck plan to let taxes increase for rich as many of them have now became rich also.
Hawking Tells Reporters To Bow Before Him!
God did not create the universe, says Stephen Hawking, "I did! As you can see, it took it's toll."
Don't Know They're Fat?
Many Americans Don't Even Know They're Fat! Hearing it 50 times a day makes them tend to tune it out.
Earl Blowing & A-Going!
Hurricane Earl threatens East Coast by opening up a serious can of whupass on it!
Health Department Coming?
Can home cooking be hazardous to your health? Only if the cook at your house feels unappreciated.
Headed For Alaska
Beck and Palin planning mysterious joint appearance on 9/11, disappear from public.
Arizona Sheriff Sued
Feds sue Arizona sheriff in civil rights probe. The harassment begins!
Having Enough Money?
Will your money last throughout retirement? The good news: Yes it will. The bad news: You'll die at 68.
"One Guy, One Flag, Now Look!"
'Don't tread on me' flags start disputes around the country. Authorities thank the press for scattering the news.
God did not create the universe, says Hawking. Hears Voice, "Enjoy your motor chair!"
Earl Near Shore
Hurricane Earl threatens the East Coast with a good old fashioned ass-kicking.
Gorilla Kills Six At City Zoo.
Witnesses say he 'just went ape'.
KFC To Open New Grilled Beef Stores In Russia.
Locals not happy with prospect of KGB restaurants on every highstreet.
Local Vets Burns To The Ground.
Onlookers eat hotdogs while waiting for the fire department.
Road Line Painter Doesn't Know Which Way To Turn.
He says he's reached a cross-roads in his life.
Bad headline number 67:
Man shoots neighbour with machete
Sarah Palin's Daughter Sees Mother On TV
9-year-old Piper Palin recently saw her mother Sarah on television and asked excitedly, "Didn't that lady used to live with us?"
Proof: There Is A God
Writers of 'We Buy Any Car.com' advert struck by lightning!
Liam Feeling Better
Liam Hemsworth says he thinks he's over the Miley Cyrus thing now. "I've been resting up, taking vitamins and lots of oysters and ginseng pills. Gained five pounds back the past 2 weeks."
Good News/Bad News
The bad news: In the future televised Miss America contests, she won't be wearing a swimsuit in the competition. The good news: She won't be wearing a swimsuit in the competition.
Worth A Shot!
A woman in Manchester was arrested after pushing Cat Stevens into a trash can and sitting on it until police arrived. She stated that she got the idea from watching the telly.
Cooler Weather On The Way
Although it was a very hot summer the vendors in NYC are getting ready for the cooler fall and winter. After Labor Day each year, they put some antifreeze in the hot weiner water!
Guns and Roses get bottled in Dublin!
Guns and Roses were late for their gig in Dublin so the Irish crowd decided to keep up old Irish traditions and got pissed! When G & R arrived they were welcomed true Irish style, with empty bottles!
Bin Laden Captured
UN Forces in Afghanistan say they have captured a close kin of Osama Bin Laden. Wheelie Bin Laden discovered hiding in a a dumpster.
Made Too Close To Nuclear Plant?
Radioactive silly putty being recalled by China after reports by kids that their silly putty man ran the cat away.
Obama Speech #2
President Obama wants some democrats to lose in November, states insider. "He wants someone to blame this mess on."
President Obama apologized to Americans out of work in his thirty minute speech, especially those Democrats here on the hill, come November.
Stephen Hawking claims God spoke to him!
God has spoken to crippled scientist Stephen Hawking claiming he didn't create the world, at the time he was divorcing one of his numerous wives (angels) and fighting Satan, he had no time!
We're Still Learning!
The Existence of Giant Super Star Pimp Challenges Black Ho Theory!
In the latest polls GOP ahead in most but will probably not carry the Muslim vote.
"She Didn't Burp The Lead!' "Did Too!"
Twelve killed and fifteen injured in "Tupperware Party Gone Bad!"
Hamas: No Talks With Israelis
As Mideast summit starts, Hamas says Abbas has no right to negotiate on behalf of Palestinians. "We do that."
Top Secret Missile
Iran Test-Fires Another 'Top Secret' Missile! So why do they always tell everybody about it?
Blair On Princess Di!
EXCLUSIVE: Tony Blair on Princess Diana! "The wife wouldn't put up with it."
Prof Ken Lucid - A Clarification
Ken Lucid's colleagues wish to dissociate themselves from his remarks about brewers in his book review of September 1. "We trust his comments will not affect our supply of Worthington White Shield."
Police Raid Opposition Mag
Russian police raid opposition magazine...but in a democratic way!
Moving Out Of Las Vegas!
Signs point to continuing Las Vegas exodus. Many families say they'll try their luck elsewhere.
A Fee On More Than Your Share!
CANTOR: Beware Of Obama Tax Increases. "They will be called and disguised as something else!"
"See The Beautiful Contours!" "I Certainly Do!"
Auto sales: Worst August since 1983, but a lot fewer imports back then. Some dealers showcase use bikini clad salesgirls!
Paris Pic Proves Phib!
Update: Paris Owns Purse That Appears Identical To One She Claimed Was Borrowed Night Of Cocaine Arrest! "But mine didn't have cocaine in it."
Earl In A Spin
Weather Channel: Hurricane Earl will not directly hit North Carolina but dance his ass all the way up the coast!
Tobey Maguire To Play Hamlet?
Tobey or not Tobey, that is the question.
A Long Time Ago, In A Galaxy Far, Far Away...
Is exactly where I'd like Katie Price and Alex Reid To be.
The 'Depressing' Is Here!
National Stay Home from Work Day Boycott Gaining Momentum as more and more people lose their jobs!
Vuvuzelas banned from European soccer competition. Fans threaten to imitate noise themselves!
Cheryl Cole Gets £1.50 For New L'Oreal Ads
Because she's worth it.
Two Arrested On Drug Charges
Rapper T.I., wife arrested on drug charges. Paris Hilton objects to being knock off top drug abuse news.
Shock: He's Leaving Friday!
Robinson Crusoe finally splits from life-partner.
FDA Looks To End Abuse
FDA looks to curb crawling abuse of cough medicine, vanilla extract.
Gets Rid Of Silly King In Ads!
Burger King agrees to $3.26B buyout by 3G Capital. Changes it's name to 'Badass Burgers'.
Clinton Get The Two Talking
Hillary Clinton has PLO, Israeli talking about problems. May earn Obama another Noble Peace Prize!
William Hague Likes Men.
But not in a gay way.
Still A Lot Of Loose Ends
Palestinian leader urges Israel to end settlements. Israeli asks for end to everyday rocket blasts from Hezbollah!
Gen. Petraeus calls relationship with Karzai sound as a fiddle!
Beer Truck Wreck
Beer truck loses trailer on Hwy. 17, blocks lanes to Santa Cruz with trailer, over 100 helpers picking up, sampling beer!
Americans blind to the obesity epidemic, to ever seeing their feet again.
Country Drowning In Debt!
How Barack Obama Became Mr. Unpopular! He seems to know how to campaign and how to vacation but otherwise, not much.
Should We Withdraw Now?
Bernanke: Shut down banks if they threaten system. A message of reassurance for all.
Secretary of State Clinton enters Mideast peace talks to put end to staring contest.
Northeastern Men Begin Packing Up Their Panties, in Anticipation of Hurricane Earl
NEW YORK, NY - There has been a run on department-stores' inventories of overnight bags as liberal Northeastern men began the arduous task of packing up their panties before Hurricane Earl strikes.
Iraq war based on clerical error
Following the release of Tony Blair's memoirs, Professor Stephen Hawking has announced definitive proof that there doesn't have to be a God.
Brown wears a frown.
Former PM Gordon Brown has driven a large Bedford truck into the Blair mansion in London, following Tony Blair's insultimg comments about him. Brown has promised to erase the Blairs from the planet.
Brown goes ballistic
Screaming obscenities such as "Papist prick" and "pillow biter" Gordon Brown has stormed the residence of Tony and Cherie Blair. The recently defeated former PM even managed to urinate on Blair's door
Brown stuffs up big time.
Gordon Brown, in a fit of pique, has kicked down the front door of Tony and Cherie Blair's expensive mansion and draggged the ex PM outside until he realised he called on the incorrect address.
Dems Fight For Office
Democrats fight to stay in office amid backlash, with several ready to handcuff themselves to their desks.
Rady For Earl?
Some dig in, others flee coast, still others hide under the front porch with hound dogs as Earl nears US
Van Gogh, Then Picasso!
6-month restoration ends of Van Gogh's "Bedroom". Plan to go over Picasso's patio next!
Van Gogh's Bedroom Restored
6-month restoration ends of Van Gogh's "Bedroom". Blue curtains were chosen. Painting will look nice there.
Gunfire Heard In Most Countries
Gunfire continues in Mozambique, over fifty other nations around the globe!
Immigrants Now Declining
Number of illegal immigrants in US now declining. Can't get past drug lords ruling Northern Mexico.
Emergency At Any Time
Are you prepared for emergencies? Have a plane, just in case!
Botox Pays Fine
Botox maker to pay $600M to resolve investigation. Adding $1 per Hollywood operation should over it.
Tea Party Rallies!
'Don't tread on me' flags start disputes around the country. Also, Paul Revere Type Rides warning: "The Socialists Are Coming!"
Discovery Channel Devils!
Discovery Channel hostage-taker hated programming, especially "Deadly Catch" and those about ghost-hunting.
Hope For Talks To Help
Israelis, Palestinians resume direct talks, barbs, gestures and ridicule!
Gates In Afghanistan
Gates in Afghanistan to meet with Karzai, Petraeus, bombings!
Plus Their Parents
School teachers in charge? Why some schools are forgoing principals. "Kids run it anyway", say teachers.
Larry Admits He's A Little Fuzzy On Details
A god did not create the universe, says Hawking. "I asked Larry King."
Japan Has Record Heat
Japan endures hottest summer on record although 1944-45 were pretty hot, they were the year around.
Chicago Police Chief Criticized #2
Chicago police chief criticized for 'gang summit'. President should get old friends together at a beer, bicycle chain conference.
Chicago Police Chief Criticized.
Chicago police chief criticized for 'gang summit'. Let the President settle things with his old friends.
Blair Informs Us All!
Tony Blair on Clinton, Bush and the American Character, Lady Di, Hedgehogs, Gumbys in charge in Britain & the US, in new book and personal appearances,
Obama More Unpopular Everyday
How Barack Obama became Mr. unpopular? By sending the country toward Socialism!
Discovery Channel hostage-taker #3
Discovery Channel hostage-taker hated programming, especially "Myth Busters". "Killed my dreams", he once told co-worker friend.
Hostage-Taker Hated Discovery Channel #2
Discovery Channel hostage-taker hated programming, especially "The Colony"!
Hostage-Taker Hated Discovery Channel
Discovery Channel hostage-taker hated programming, especially "Shark Week!"
Illegal Immigrant Numbers Down
Number of illegal immigrants in US now declining. Will decline even more once Obama makes then all legal.
Number of illegal immigrants in US now declining, especially in Arizona.
Botox Pays $600 Million
Botox maker to pay $600M to resolve investigation! "Check the 'Hollywood Petty Cash" drawer Jane!"
Better Safe Than Sorry
Are you prepared for emergencies? Have a plan, just in case. A nuclear bomb could explode over YOUR head!
Don't Tread On Me!
'Don't tread on me' flags start disputes around the country as they go up in every state protesting the programs of "King Obama".
Mideast Talks #4
After first session between Israel, PLO, President Obama the only one talking the break with his shoes still on.
Pulled An Elvis On His TV At Home!
Discovery Channel hostage-taker hated programming..especially about worms becoming butterflies.
Mideast Talks #3
Israelis, Palestinians resume direct talks, actually through President Obama: "Tell that idiot over there..."
Mideast Talks #2
Israelis, Palestinians resume direct talks, already mad after blaming each other over killer fart in the room, until Obama takes the blame.
Israelis, Palestinians resume direct talks but with their backs to each other.
Better Be Inside At Least
Some dig in, others flee coast as Earl nears US with a solid outer wall of picked up beer cans.
Poll: Nevadans prefer unprotected anal sex over Harry Reid
CARSON CITY, NV - A new Gallup poll says that more Nevadans would prefer unprotected anal-sex rather than have Harry Reid win another term as the State's senator.
Stephen Hawking says God did not create the universe...
God wants Hawking to stay behind at the end, for detention.
California Senate Debate: Boxer KO's Fiorina
Carly Fiorina: School teachers should be paid based on performance.
Barbara Boxer: You got a $21 million severance package after being fired by HP for cutting 30,000 jobs and sending more overseas!
Earthlike planet found
Analysis shows S & P index of object circling HD 10180 jumped 38% in the second quarter compared with last year, companies sit on record amounts of cash as life forms suffer exoplanetary recession.
Drilling to reach trapped Chilean miners begins after more than three weeks
At long last, drilling on a relief well began today as part of an effort to stop oil that's been pouring into the Gulf of Mex ... Oops, sorry. Just habit, I guess.
Through one bill, into another
Paris Hilton arrested after police allegedly discover 0.8 grams of cocaine in her purse. Only 0.8 grams?? They're lucky they didn't look up her nose!
Wikileaks Founder Raped
He told them not to, but Swedish prosecutors put in a request to pursue rape charges against Wikileaks founder Julian Assange, then withdrew the request, put it back in, withdrew it, put it in ...
Hurricane Austin Blows
Austin Nichols of One Tree Hill says, "Earl sounds like a guy drinking a beer on a porch. Hurricanes should have scary names." Nichols never met my neighbor: Earl Hussein bin Laden!
Discovery Channel Hostage Crisis
Anti-population growth delusional protester holding hostages was slain by police, ending the crisis situation. Apparently, this is a pyrrhic victory as there is now one less person on the planet!
Green Loons in Charge
Federal government to reduce energy consumption by reducing computer based teleconferencing. Expect to see more government employees traveling to meetings via airplanes, automobiles and rental cars!
President Obama's Mantra
Bad economy, blame Pres. Bush; bad energy policy, blame Pres. Bush; bad war in Iraq, blame Pres. Bush; bad tax cuts, blame Pres. Bush and bad war in Afghanistan, blame Pres. Obama!
Obama's Democratic Far Left Inexperience
The Democratic liberal far left rants against Wall Street, but they only produce Coo-Coo birds. It's the US corporations that will produce the next generation transportation, electronics & medicines!
Obama's Economic Democratic Far Left Ideology
"What! Change direction of my economic policy, that is not working & has never worked in the history of the republic. Let's just throw some more taxpayer money at the problem & see what happens."
Stop Tinkering President Obama
Obama is turning his attention to the US economy now that combat troops are out of Iraq. All economists respond by saying "LET IT ALONE NO MORE NEW SPENDING," the economy will take care of itself!
OSHA Proposed Marriage Regulation
For human safety purposes "Vagina Depth must be greater than Penis Length" otherwise no marriage license can be issued. Same sex unions are currently exempt, pending further research!
Federal Agencies Cooperate
The new OSHA marriage regulation "Vagina Depth must be greater than Penis Length" has been handed off to the EPA and the FDA for inspection and enforcement, respectively.
Barry Bonds Down In The Dumps
Barry Bonds, With Heavy Head, says he hasn't been the same since he and his wife split up!
A new study found that heavy drinkers outlive non-drinkers, they also take an extra six hours to be cremated!
Get Spoof News in your email inbox!