Spoof news snippets from Friday 17 September 2010
Pontiff Admits Using Rope-A-Pope to Foil Would-be Assassins
LONDON, UK - Anti-terrorism police arrested six men on Friday on suspicion of preparing an attack on the Pope.
Democrats Announce TEAT-Party Movement
BOSTON, MA - Congressman Barney Frank held a press conference today to announce the formation of a new political movement - The Entitlement And Tyranny Party, or TEAT-Party.
Now We Know
Dr. Pepper and Mr. Pibb made at same location. "We just stop the line and change labels", says foreman.
Joined Head To Butt
Joint Chiefs of Staff to have operation Monday in attempt to separate them.
Because You're Now The Majority
Dumbasses of America say they want to know why they are always the one to get picked on!
World Stops Turning At 54
'As the World Turns' stops spinning after 54 years. New more adult version, "As The Worm Turns" to take it's place.
As The World Turns!
'As the World Turns' stops spinning after 54 years. "Had three hours of makeup daily" says 70-year-old teenager, Butch.
US/China Trade War
Why some economists see U.S.-China trade war? Because it's been going on for years. They buy our gold. We buy their lead.
Quake Hits Afghanistan
Magnitude-6.3 quake shakes Afghanistan shaken off by population. That's nothing. We have suicide bombers making bigger shakes than that.
Numbers Changing By The Hour
Instead of five people trying to assassinate the pope, there are now six. Do I hear seven? Terrorists or former choirboys?
Thousands of freaks missing in New York as freak tornado strikes city!
Westminster Abbey Crowds Disappointed
Londoners heard old fruitcake dressed as woman to perform in cathedral. Expected Sir Cliff Richard. Pope arrived.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: No Nukes!
Iran leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says that he would never use nuclear weapons on Israel. "How can I blow up something that isn't there?"
"Balls on Nuts!"
"The tastiest testicles in my opinion probably belong to Damian McBride, Gordon Brown, children and young people - although other people have their own favourites."
She's Entitled To Have Respect
The Supreme Court hands down decision that democrats are not to laugh at Sarah Palin! (Snorf!)
WMD's WERE In Iraq!
With last American soldier out of Iraq according to President Obama, crowds bring out weapons of Mass destruction and mock George Bush. "We had David Copperfield to hide them!"
Our Top Moneymaker!
The National Enquirer names Tiger Woods as Sportsman of the Year!
Not A Good Comparison!
Dick Cheney: All those rumors are false. I was no more the leader of the US than Putin is now of Russia.
Another One For Snopes?
Study: Not only did George Bush sneak into the presidency in 2000, but many believe there was a direct link between Bush and Dick Cheney!
The Flip Side of Sam Allardyce!
Following "Big Sam's" outburst as a self appointed continental manager and future England boss has led to him been admitted to the Acute Mental Health unit in the Blackburn Royal Infirmary.
Cheri, Cheri Baby!
Ex UK premier Tony Blair is to become a father again. Wife Cheri has announced she is 8 weeks pregnant with a baby girl. The new addition to the Blair household is to be named Blah Blah after her dad.
Maybe You Can Try That Soon
Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi says there are plenty of jobs out there. "Many are unemployed because they don't want to go from defunct Industry CEO to fry cook."
Whitey Better Get Humping!
U.S. minority births will outnumber majority births this year and will continue to do so until they are the majority.
Carter Slams Kennedy
MOVE ON: Jimmy Carter slams Ted Kennedy for killing his health care bill! Ted Kennedy strangely silent on the subject.
McMahan Avoids Social Security
POLITICAL INSIDER: McMahon avoids Social Security! Ed: "I'm dead already. Take it back!"
Gulf oil well, ex CEO of BP if caught, on verge of being plugged for good.
Young Now An Old Man Too
Oman tells Neil Young that he's a lot like they were.
You'll Recognize Their Mating Call!
One of the world's rarest animals, the secretive and mysterious twin-horned vuvuzela saola, has been seen for the first time in a decade, conservationists say.
Tea Party Want New Ideas!
The tea party is rewriting the political rulebook. Not only are they out to overthrow Obama but also the remnant of King George II.
No Use Pushing Luck
Why office romance is on the wane? Because one or both could be fired at any time.
Photo Doctored Again #2
Egyptian paper doctors photo of Mubarak and Obama making it look like Obama was the one unzipped.
Photo Doctored Again
Egyptian paper doctors photo of Mubarak and Obama to make it look like Mubarak with nose higher in the air!
Warren: No More Lead from China.
Warren vows end to "tricks" with consumer agency. "First of all, I'm recalling every thing from China because it all has lead in it!"
Warren Making Demands Already
Warren vows end to "tricks" with consumer agency. "Instead, I wants some treats!"
Taxes Going Up!
Expiring tax cuts hit taxpayers at every level but mostly in the balls!
Kirstie Alley Eats Lady GaGa
After a three week diet, Kirstie Alley told police yesterday that she saw Lady GaGa in her meat dress and went out of control. "I fell on her like she was the fatted calf!"
Seaman Staines Discharged From The Navy
Claims mistaken identity.
Al-Qaida Nearly Broke?
Al-Qaida having money problems. Suicide bombers told they will have a grand funeral service, two virgins on layaway!
New Bland Diet!
New diet fad simple: Eat only things that have little taste. Soon you'll grow tired of eating.
X-Rays Very Harmfull
The number one cause of sickness in the United States caused by huge numbers of x-rays taken by doctors.
Donated Food For Animals Served To Zoo Staff
Woburn Zoo serves up food donated for animals to diners in its CANTEEN. "Actually it tastes better than usual slop", says employee.
Five Arrested In UK
Counter-terror police arrest five men in dawn swoop over alleged plot to attack the Pope on UK visit. Police: "They were disguised as choirboys."
"Bring Out The Official Measurement Device"
Reality TV on Playboy Channel will see who makes the biggest progress from e-mail offers for creating a larger penis!
Obama Underestimates Frustration
DER SPIEGEL: 'Obama Has Underestimated the Frustration in the Country'. Cities pretty pissed also!
Each Stimulus Job Costed $2 Million
Audit: $2 million per each stimulus job created. That's the government way of creating jobs.
Ready For Changes?
Computers set for quantum leap. Hitting "Joke" section of TheSpoof will automatically release canned laughter, funnybone given slight shock.
Palin In Iowa
Sarah Palin somehow finds herself back in Iowa! "It's the weirdest thing", says former Alaskan Governor!
Waters Aides Expelled
GET OUT: Maxine Waters's aides expelled from Pelosi event as Dems turn on each other!
Still Eating Hardy
Vikings' Abdullah says he felt great during Ramadan fast. "Ate most of the night."
Some Ass Men There Too
Full-body scanners at Nashville, Memphis airports. Most are breast and leg scanners according to women walking by.
50 Ways To Loose Your Neighbor!
Cuba offers 19 ways Obama can loosen US embargo. Could be up to 31 more?
Brain region linked to introspection, especially in the "Me Generation!"
Consumer This & That, Whatever!
Consumer prices rise 0.3 percent in August. Millions afraid to leave their homes!
Pa. Senate Race Gets Tough
Pa. Senate race gets rough, fought through ads, unlike friendly elections in the past where each side waited for outcome at the same site, often holding hands.
Gulf oil well, BP criticism, on verge of being plugged for good.
Prince William Gets His Wings
Prince William gets his search-and-rescue wings. Did you hear a bell ring?
US Dare Not Criticize Iran, After Losing Our Freedoms Here!
Forces raid office of Iran's opposition leader. No freedoms in Iran either.
FBI urges U.S. Mohammed cartoonist to go into hiding!
This, coming after all the info about the Ground Zero mosque being no big thing?
What Happened To US Freedoms?
FBI urges U.S. Mohammed cartoonist to go into hiding from all the moderate Muslim population.
NYT/CBS Poll: WSJ, and NBC Suck!
The NYT and CBS just released a joint poll which finds that NYT readers and CBS viewers think that "The WSJ and NBC suck it".
Taxes Hurt Everyone
Expiring tax cuts hit taxpayers at every level, but mostly up the wazzoo!
Probe into whether tornado hit NYC in deadly storm. Several say they saw a funnel cloud, others a giant ape.
Making The Sacrifice
Bill Clinton: Working to stay healthy for his grandchildren, scattered around the country.
Already know Customer's Accounts
SEC eyes new rules on banks' debt-level disclosure. They already have each of ours.
Fastest Election Count Ever
Security ramped up ahead of Afghan elections. Each voter is to come outside and raise right hand, left hand or both hands for three leading candidates. Google Earth will count results.
Somebody Arrested In Poland!
Chechen separatist Veyakaz arrested in Poland! I'm sorry, that should be 'Zakayev'!
Pope Visits Catholic Schools
Pope visits UK Catholic schools, urges trust, chastity belts.
Australian Aborigines First Astronomers?
Australian Aborigines 'world's first astronomers' as ruins of 10,000 year old giant telescope found in the outback.
Australian Aborigines First Astronomers?
Australian Aborigines 'world's first astronomers'. Egyptians deny it. Aztecs remain silent.
Obama Gains Momentum!
Obama Gains Momentum in Fight Over Tax-Cut Extensions, becoming a one-term president!
Bank Fraud #3
53 charged in NJ bank fraud, identity theft ring, not telling customers to "Have a nice day!"
Bank Fraud #2
53 charged in NJ bank fraud, identity theft ring, grabbing most of kids lollipops from canisters.
53 Arrested In Bank Fraud
53 charged in NJ bank fraud, identity theft ring, cutting pens out of the lobby.
Water Wells Polluted!
Report: Fracking, freaking *&%&^## chemicals in NE Pa. water wells!
New Jersey Looks The Same Either Way
Probe into whether tornado hit NYC in deadly storm. No way to tell in New Jersey.
Ending Tax Cuts Hit All Incomes, Jobs!
Expiring tax cuts hit taxpayers at every level. Not the best time to raise taxes when government want people to spend.
Doctored Photo #4
Egyptian paper doctors photo of Mubarak and Obama. The original did not have Obama in Kenyan attire and bone through his nose.
Doctored Photo #3
Egyptian paper doctors photo of Mubarak and Obama. The original did not show Mubarak patting Obama on the head & handing him a lollipop!
Doctored Photo #2
Egyptian paper doctors photo of Mubarak and Obama. Original photo did not shoe Obama as four-foot tall.
Egyptian paper doctors photo of Mubarak and Obama. Real photo did not have Obama on a leash.
Bill Promises Chelsea!
Bill Clinton: Working to stay healthy for his grandchildren. "My roving days are over!"
NYC Tornado? #3
Rats and politicians left only minutes before storm hit!
Tornado In NYC? #2
Probe into whether tornado hit NYC in deadly storm as billions of bedbugs were seen leaving an hour before!
Tornado In NYC?
Probe into whether tornado hit NYC in deadly storm,bouncing off the skyscrapers!
A Commercial Plug For BP!
Gulf oil well on verge of being plugged for good. Will it come out of a different hole? Maybe later, not sooner.
Plugged For Good
Gulf oil well on verge of being plugged for good, as Kirstie Alley seems to be.
'Fuck the lot of you'
You can all fuck off and die as far as I'm concerned, a new study suggests.
Americans 'just want to be Canadians'
Study suggests that US citizens want to switch to being Canadian. Canadians are more intelligent, sophisticated and are OK with guns, making them attractive role-models for youngsters.
YouTube arrested for lewd act in public place
The internet uploading site, YouTube, was arrested in Los Angeles late last night for committing an act of gross indecency with a man in a park, who later turned out to be a plain-clothes cop.
ITV's 'Daybreak' enters 5th day
Hopes are fading fast for those affected by the new ITV breakfast programme 'Daybreak'. Some 30 workers are still trapped by the show and are being fed by tubes.
'Working-Classes not genetically able to vote'
New research from the University of Hertfordshire suggests that the Working-Class are not genetically-predisposed to vote or indeed participate in any form of decision-making process.
'Arm the Terminally-Ill'
New government initiative to alleviate suffering of those with terminal illnesses is trialled in Lancashire.
Brown wants to be picked for 'Games
Former UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown has demanded he be selected in the English athletics squad for the forthcoming Commonwealth Games in New Delhi. Brown says he is the best "fatty" in the world.
Gibbo caught out again.
Actor/director Mel Gibson has been photographed disguised as elusive terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden. Police took the enigmatic Gibson into custody thinking he WAS the Al Quaeda supremo. What next!
Food for Thought
Lady Gaga arrested for allowing an unknown man to make a sandwich out of part of her meat dress. Eating beaver is illegal where she was performing!
Catch and Release Hunting
Catch and release has worked well for sports fishing. Now hunters groups in various states are going after animal rights group members using tranquilizer darts.
What Quality of Life?
In Baltimore MD there is high unemployment. People are upset over big box stores using space vacated by closed businesses, demanding union wages & environmental restrictions to keep quality of life!
Michelle Hits a Home Run
First lady convinces Michael Moore to join her anti-obesity program. Mr. Moore is to cut the grass around the White House for the next year with a push-mower & his Secret Service name is "Lard Ass!"
Anybody Home in Washington DC
US government wants unused oil wells in Gulf of Mexico to be permanently capped because of danger to the environment. Environmental impact statements may be necessary to remove environmental hazards!
What the Heck?
The 2012 presidential election may pit President Obama against Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. Some pundits call this a battle of an empty suit versus an empty dress!
Three Stooges Return to Hollywood
In 2013 Hollywood plans to remake the Three Stooges comedies. After November 2010 ex-HS Pelosi and ex-SML Reid will be available. Ex-President Obama is expected to join them in two years!
Pelosi's Pinocchio Speech
House Speaker Pelosi says with a straight Botox face that "the Democrats will retain control of the US House of Representatives!"
It's the Economy and Jobs Stupid
Obama is strengthening the consumer protection agency. Unemployed workers want the president to stop spending & help improve the economy. They want jobs, to be consumers & not wards of a nanny state!
Anger Quotient to Swamp Democrats
Obama & his liberal left Congressional team are overlooking the "Anger Quotient." This leading political indicator is a measure of anger at taxing/spending, lack of jobs & Americans not being heeded!
Harry Wants the Hispanic and Gay/Lesbian Vote
Senate Majority Leader Reid is so scared shit of losing to a "Tea Party" candidate he has attached the un-vetted Dream Act and repealing Don't Ask, Don't Tell to the Defense Appropriations bill!
Tea Party Attendance
President Obama was invited to speak at a tea party, but declined. Boy was the UK Royal family pissed off when the president didn't show up at the British Embassy in Washington DC!
Campaign Sign for 2010 Elections l
"Tea Party" group unveils new campaign poster for 2010 Congressional mid-term elections. It shows a gigantic commode with the words "FLUSH THE DEMOCRATIC FAR LEFT LIBERALS!"
Campaign Sign for 2010 Elections ll
"Tea Party" group unveils another new campaign poster for 2010 Congressional mid-term elections. It reads "RETIRE THOSE TWO OLD BAGS, PELOSI AND REID!"
Surprise, Iran's Nuclear Kabuki Dance Continues
France, Germany & Britain voiced concern over Iran's failure to cooperate with the UN IAEA. Iran seems "determined to pursue a nuclear program which could provide it with military capabilities."
Secretary of State Clinton is to make an announcement at the Sept. UN General Assembly meeting. Iranian President Ahmadinejad will become a Buddhist, going to live in a Christian Monastery in Israel!
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