Spoof news snippets from Thursday 16 September 2010
Unknown Group Into The Unknown
Previous unknown group that took credit with a video for accidentally blowing themselves up will probably never become known. I mean, who's stupid enough to admit it?
Gleen Beck Speech #3
Glenn Beck to give his third version of "I've been to the mountaintop, where little republican kids and democrat kids are playing together, hold a tea party."
Sex While Using Internet Not New
Internet users 'staying connected during sex'. "At least I won't have to think about baseball", states male.
'Global Warming' Out, 'Total Environment Annihilation' In...
From the administration that brought you "military intelligence", "government help" and "overseas contingency operation", another terminology change is in the works.
Pelosi Asked To Step Down!
Tennessee Democrat Calls on Nancy Pelosi To Step Down, preferably on a banana peal!
31 Dems Oppose Obama
31 House Democrats call for tax cuts for all, since their incomes have placed them in top 5%.
The Great Society Dead
American poverty at 50-year high. LBJ spinning like a top!
"As The Squabble Continues"
Michael Jackson's mother sues concert promoters. Then father, Joe, Sues Michael's mother...if she wins lawsuit!
Michelle In Hell?
MICHELLE IN 'HELL', NOT MY BELL: 'CAN'T STAND' FIRST LADY JOB. YOU HAVE TO BE RESPONSIBLE & WORK!
IS 'Full Of Crap' Out?
White House: 'Global Warming Out','Global Climate Disruption' In.' 'Congress failure out', Congress Minus In'!
Sorry About The Naked Woman!
A new photonic chip works on light rather than electricity has been built, paving the way for ultra-fast quantum computers. TheSpoof writers will merely have to "think" the story to others.
Obama Urges Kids To Stay In School
President Obama spoke to kids at school Monday and told them to stay in school as long as possible. "Maybe by then, there will be jobs."
Dozens Of Airport Body Scanners
Full-body scanners at Nashville, Memphis airports. Usually sitting in lounge areas, acting like they are waiting to catch a plane.
Senate Passing Things
Senate passes small business credit measure, peach pit!
They Should Know!
A cremated male skeleton in a lavish ancient Greek tomb is not Alexander the Great's half-witted half-brother, according to a new study by half-witted specialists.
Mystery thickens as missing painting found by NYC doorman "Apparently no one wanted to buy it."
Dems Pulling For Palin
Palin's endorsement wins stoke hopes for White House run...by opponents!
Don't Tread On Me!
Tea Party rebellion: Political uprising shakes up GOPee!
Pope In Britain
Pope visits U.K. amid indifference, outrage, non-recognition. "Who's the chap with Wally?"
An American Tune
Census: 1 in 7 Americans live in poverty. 5 of the other 6 try not to notice!
Money Spent On Elections Could Half This!
Census: 1 in 7 Americans live in poverty, 9 in 10 Native Americans!
Always He Thinks Of Himself First!
Henville, Kentucky police say man committed suicide then wiped out his whole family.
Satan appears on a bathroom tile in Budapest, horny Hungarian!
Satan has appeared on a bathroom tile in Budapest and every time the wife has a shower, he has a w**k, dirty ol Peeping Tom, Devilish behaviour!
Wisconsin Candidate: "I Am the White Man's Bitch"
MADISON, WI - Ieshuh Griffin is running for State Assembly in Wisconsin, and she wants voters to know she is "NOT the white man's bitch".
THEY Are To Blame!
According to new study, we are living in the "Age Of Finger-Pointing!" Each of us are innocent.
Gene discovered that causes people to read sorry snippets!
Obama Toughens Stand
Obama threatens to set sack of dog poop on fire on Iran's porch, ring doorbell and run away!
No Big News From Geithner
US Treasury Secretary Geithner says yawn is undervalued. I'm sorry, that should have been "yuan".
Two Keys In Peace Talks
Israel's settlements, having their own country, two keys to peace talk progress.
Suddenly, You Can't Move Eyelids
Thousands at risk of early death by ignoring tell-tale signs of rigor mortis setting in!
Police Numbers To Be Cut
Ministers hit out at police 'scare stories': Budget cuts will not spark riots, insists May. Police say 'Better arm yourself well!'
Poor Will Have To Lump It!
Poor must accept benefit cuts: Clegg on collision course with own party by backing welfare axe. "Mr. Clegg needs to accept that we will egg & tomato him to death", state the poor.
Millionaire Cheat Loses Three Toes Gardening
Millionaire cheat Major Charles Ingram, 47, who won the top prize on ITV1's Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? with help from an accomplice, slipped on a fellow rotten apple.
"Please Don't Get Up, Mrs. Smith!"
Owner lay dead on the couch as estate agent showed buyers around her home. "Isn't this cozy?"
BBC: Find You A Good Book!
No TV licence increase in 2011: Two year BBC fee freeze will lead to 'on-air changes', including "Last of the Summer Wine" & "Keeping Up Appearances" reruns nightly.
White Elephant Planes
Flying white elephants: MoD orders £10.5billion planes that can't fly into war zones. Maybe they'll draw a big crowd at air shows!
"Celebrities Get Warts!"
Pope hit by a celebrity vendetta: Famous names in concerted protest against the state visit. There's one now over behind that tree.
How's That Again?
Pope likens the rise of atheism in Britain to the Nazis as he admits his 'shock and sadness' over abuse scandal in the Catholic Church!
SHOCK: 24 Million Democrats Found Dead!
Regardless of how lively the midterm elections might be, a new study shows that more than 23.7 million Democrat voters on current voter registration rolls across the country are dead.
Northern Supermarket launch rival to Ocado
A new online Grocery Home Deliveries Service was unveiled today...
Cops Plan Massive Protests
Chicago cops plan massive protest against manpower shortages. National Guard to be called in for Cop Riots?
Can't Eat Money!
Gold hits new high. But how would you spend it? "Here's a $1500 $20 Gold Piece. I'd like a hamburger and some fries please."
"Unelectable" Clearly Ahead!
'Unelectable' Rubio opens 14-point lead over Crist as Tea Party candidate makes waves in Florida!
Mexican Mules Herded Toward Australia
Mexican drug cartels smuggling cocaine into Australia. Over 200 'mules' caught on one incoming ship.
Where's the oil? On the Gulf floor,
Where's the clean-up fee? In the pockets of BP!
Getting Tough On China
Administration vows to get tough with China. May ask for all our money spent on leaded junk be returned.
"Uh, Aren't You Needed In Washington Sir?"
Obama out to boost Blumenthal in Conn. Senate race causes 5% drop at the poles.
Lots Of New Faiths Springing Up!
NC teen: Nose ring more than fashion, it's faith: The Church of Body Modification. New Church of Nearly Naked Pole Dancing keeping eye on the case.
NC Teen Nose Ring Religion!
NC teen: Nose ring more than fashion, it's faith: Church of Body Modification. Being studied closely by group who plan The Church of Cocaine Snorting.
Prince Phillip greets Pope and 'touches cloth'
While bending down to kiss the Pope's ring, the Duke shat himself.
Church Of Body Modification
NC teen: Nose ring more than fashion, it's faith: The Church of Body Modification. New Faith may really catch on in Hollywood.
Schwarzenegger Checks Out Explosion
Governor Schwarzenegger flies over Calif. gas line blast site, other sites where explosions are overdue.
Peace Talks Rich In Symbolism
Mideast peace talks rich in symbolism, headed for Hiroshima and Nagasaki, Japan later.
Escaped cobras strike fear in southwest China!
Many of them reportedly contain lead!
US Drugs Out!
Report: Illegal drug use up sharply last year, legal drugs like marijuana ever sharper!
Peace Talks Continue
Abbas sees no alternative to peace talks if Israel still refuses to move to North Dakota.
Easier To List What Doesn't Contain Lead
California company recalling child's balloons that came from Chine. They contain lead.
California Recall #2
California company recalling bottled water from China as it contains presence of lead.
California company recalling of ginger candy made in China due to presence of lead.
3 ultra-efficient cars win $10M innovation award. One gets over 150 MPG but must only run downhill!
Pope visits UK, admits failures in abuse scandal, hot-rodding popemobile!
Half Oppose Tax Hikes
AP-GfK Poll: Nearly half oppose tax hikes for rich. "Who's going to hire unemployed", ask workers.
Just A Small Mistake!
Wis. prosecutor who 'sexted' victim won't resign. State being asked to kick his ass out.
For Goodness Snakes
Residents of a township in southwest China have been running scared after more than 160 cobras escaped from an illegal breeding laboratory, state media said Thursday. Followed by loud scream!
Residents of a township in southwest China have been running scared after more than 160 cobras escaped from an illegal breeding laboratory, state media said Thursday. Ask for pipers for vipers.
Build A Really Big Prison!
Khmer Rouge tribunal indicts 4 senior leaders. Next, their 100,000 followers.
May Need Louder Mike!
Pope visits UK, admits failures in abuse scandal. At least it sounded like that, above the vuvuzela noise!
Instead Of Moving Bad Priests Around
Pope visits UK, admits failures in abuse scandal. Might fire wayward priests.
Drab Situation Produces More Drug Use
Report: Illegal drug use up sharply last year. Expected to keep climbing until Obama out of the White House, with his record spending.
Illegal Drug Use Up!
Report: Illegal drug use up sharply last year as many facing financial crisis!
Foreclosures Up Again
US homes lost to foreclosure up 25 pct on year. Where are these families going?
Meg Whitman breaks US campaign spending records. Over $100 million on becoming California Governor which she really, really wants!
More Realty Sales Staff Cut
US homes lost to foreclosure up 25 pct on the year. Many foreigners eying nice properties for good prices.
Alan Greenspan has Jim Carrey Moment
Former Federal Reserve head, Alan Greenspan, said that, surprisingly, stimulus spending had not worked to power a recovery.
He then suggested the government should raise taxes.
Dumb & Dumber
Another Underwear Bomber
Woman with 42DD boobs taken off a flight & charged with trying to blow up the plane. Flight attendant became suspicious when she began rubbing them together after asking other passengers for matches!
New Fast Food Chain
Treasury Secretary declares McDonalds, Burger King, Wendy's etc. have failed & freezes assets. A new Chinese owned fast food chain to open in January 2013 called Michelle's Stir-Fried Veggie Garden.
Democrats Look for an Issue in 2010 Elections
Democratic left wing liberals are quiet about health care, the stimulus package and letting the Bush tax cuts expire. They charge Republicans with having bad breath and athlete's foot!
Interesting Times Ahead
Great-grandpa says "I must live another 10 years to see the US Supreme Court rule on the Constitutionality of Obamacare insurance mandates, Arizona's illegal immigrant law and EPA regulations!"
I'm an Independent, Stupid
When I call for fiscally responsible policies, Democratic liberals call me a conservative Republican. When I call for sensible social programs, Republican conservatives call me a liberal Democrat.
Not the Brightest Bulb on the Tree I
President Obama plays kissy-kissy with Iranian President Ahmadinejad, while Iranian state radio tells Muslims in Kashmir India the USA is burning Korans. Muslims then burn Effigies of President Obama!
Not the Brightest Bulb on the Tree II
Former Governor Sarah Palin backs "Tea Party" ideological candidates for Senate. Republicans may not recapture the Senate from Democratic liberal left control by one seat!
Not the Brightest Bulb on the Tree III
Well endowed female sports reporter, wearing tight clothes, goes into NFL locker room after a game. Cat calls and gestures alleged by not politically correct players. History repeats itself!
Not the Brightest Bulbs on the Tree IV
Congress not renewing the Bush tax cuts returns $3 trillion to the treasury, hurting small businesses. The federal government then provides $50 billion tax credits & $20 billion technology incentives.
Not the Brightest Bulb on the Tree V
The US DOJ's selective enforcement of only those portions of the US Constitution that support the Obama administration's left liberal causes trashes that magnificent document.
Not the Brightest Bulbs on the Tree VI
The City Council of NYC allowing Mayor Bloomberg to run for a third term as mayor, by changing the law, is reminiscent of Hugo Chavez being President of Venezuela for as long as he wants to be!
President Obama To Tap Consumer Counsel
WASHINGTON, DC - President Barack Obama this week will tap Harvard Law professor Elizabeth Warren. When the First Lady heard about it, she went through the White House roof.
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