Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 15 September 2010
Tweety Bird All A-twitter
Famed cartoon character Tweety Bird proudly celebrates the hatching of his son, ReTweety.
Tooth Fairy Goes Upscale!
Bluetooth Fairy found tucking gifts of iPhone 4's under rich children's pillows.
POPE B - LAUGH? IF ONLY
Pope Bendadick = (long think)......... nope, can't think of anything funny about the evil old bastard apart from his name.
2005 Empty Shelf!
2005 Heisman Trophy award to remain vacant. "No one good enough that year", says committee.
Democracy In Action?
No time to play 'games' with tax cuts, Obama says. "We agree', say GOP. "So leave them alone. People need jobs not more taxes!"
Cloned Animals In Most Shops Soon
Clone food 'in all our shops within two years' watchdog reveals. It's either that or becoming a vegan.
Riots Will Develope
'Don't be ridiculous': Home Secretary tells police they CAN make cuts safely after riot warning. "I hope they riot around her house", states one policeman.
Move Your Troubles To Someone Else
'Inexcusable' failures left rogue technician free to go from hospital to hospital sexually assaulting women under anaesthetic. Sounds like the priest's situation.
Pope Faces Atheists!
Pope faces atheist hate campaign in UK after top German aide says: 'When you land at Heathrow you think you're in a Third World country'. "Just don't be surrounded by a lot of priests."
Police: Naked Woman Steals Taxi
Police in Liverpool say a woman disrobed in the back seat of a taxi and demanded that the driver "take her home". When the driver failed to understand what she wanted, she stole his cab.
More New Taxes
WVA considers tax on food at drive-thrus, Kentucky a tax on knife trading and Tennessee a tax on playing the banjo!
Need To Cut Somewhere Else
Chicago cops plan massive protest against manpower shortages. Ask City officials if they want gang rule like the 1930's.
Consumers Screwed Again
Bank of America warns of new fees after financial reforms go in place!
"Like Watching Paint Dry!"
General Petraeus Concedes War in Afghanistan Could Take Another 10 Years! We may as well give Russia another try against Taliban.
Unless It's Marijuana
NYC to try banning smoking in parks and beaches. Smokers want proof smoke breathed by others!
New Boss, Same As Old Boss!
US troops continue combat missions in Iraq, despite Obama's end-of-war speech. Good thing he didn't parachute onto a warship!
Helping Fund Programs
California medical marijuana dispensary to sell pot-flavored ice cream, potsickles!
Bet It Felt Bigger!
The airport screener arrested for assaulting a coworker who taunted him about the size of his penis after his genitalia was exposed by a full-body scanner, told police that he snapped.
Government Sounding Panicky!
Gov't say banks should share FANNIE, FREDDIE costs. Banks, so you can bankrupt us also?
Greenspan On His Way Out?
Greenspan supports raising taxes, letting Bush tax cuts expire, freeing the rabbits of Tibet!
No One Trusting Government
POLL: Only 25% of public trusts government, up 5% over last year.
Tea Party VS Beer Conference
'Tea party' favorites score in DE, NY. 'Beer Conference' favorites gain some nominations also!
White House Wants More Spending
White House sends spending wish list to Congress. Congress sends message "We haven't paid off the last 20 yet!"
Payback At The Ballot Box!
Blue-collar, unemployed and seeing red. Say they're voting red state every chance they get!
"I'm In Mexico I Reckon! UmmHmmm"
Tropical storm Karl hits Mexico's Yucatan. Kills one Doyle Hargraves!
Storm Hits Mexico
Typical storm Karl hits Mexico's Yucatan. I'm sorry. That should be "Tropical" Storm Karl!
Agree On Something!
Clinton: This is a moment that must be seized! PLO and Israeli reps together: "Gesunheit!"
I SAID PEACE! P-E-A-C-E!
Peace talks continued today in Jerusalem between the PLO and Israel, although it was hard to be heard over the shelling from Hezbollah and Israeli plane bombardments.
Pregnant Nun sucking a choco Flake ice cream is banned!
An advertisement depicting a pregnant Nun sucking a choccy flake has been banned, not because of the pregnant Nun, non, but because the Flake was not an Italian one, could it have been Jamaican?
Senate clears way for Obama's small 'package'
WASHINGTON, DC - The Senate on Tuesday advanced Obama's 'package' for small business but failed to relieve millions of companies from the fear of being 'f*cked in the ass' by the federal government.
Working While Being Sick
Working while sick? Study finds even doctors and old flashers do it.
Many Still Think They Came By Storks
CDC: One-third of sex ed omits birth control. "Students enjoy the fun part first", says teacher.
Study: To save tigers, protect key breeding areas Like "Tiger Girls Want Some! area in Africa.
Forced To Loan To Low Income By Gov. To Begin With!
Regulator says banks slow to buy back bad loans that government regulators forced them to loan.
First Things First
After blast, DOT seeks tougher pipeline oversight. In order to do that, first we'll need to dig them all up!
Do You Mean Bummer?
Dems gamble by shifting fire from Bush to Boehner. Brings instant results: "Who or what's a Boehner?"
Who's A Family?
Who's a family? New study tracks shifting US views. "Different strokes for different folks".
Massive Fish Kill
Massive fish kill reported in Louisiana. BP says they had noticed some suicidal tendencies.
Boeing Tears Down Old Building
Boeing tearing down historic Plant 2. Captured UFO sneaked out after dark.
Stocks waffle after mixed news coming from the Waffle House!
New Signal Installed
Lovers Lane to get new traffic signal to warn lover's that somebody might be coming.
Cornhole Tourney Coming Up!
Cornhole tourney to help at-risk kids. Police watching the crowds for priests.
Does Anyone Give A Used Food Product?
Fashion Week 2010: Is white the new black? Is square the new round? Is tomato the new to-matt-to?
A Real Turd!
Al-Qaeda No. 2 criticizes Pakistani government in new tape. "Why should we listen to #2", says Pakistan? "He's a real turd."
Who's That Helping Iraqi Troops?
US-Iraqi raid on Fallujah kills 7 two weeks after President Obama's announcement that all combat troops have left Iraq.
Not Off To A Good Start
Militants launched mortar shells into Israel and Israeli jets bombed targets in Gaza on Wednesday, just as Israeli and Palestinian leaders held peace talks in Jerusalem!
Famed civil rights photographer doubled as FBI informant, tripled by informing Martin Luther King.
Oh Well, We Enjoyed Our Six Months Off
States cutting benefits for public-sector retirees. Private companies doing the same. Many retirees returning to work raising unemployment rates.
They're Following Earl
Hurricanes Igor, Julia, Karl all making waves but probably going nowhere.
Got A Tea Party & Everything
BP's Hayward to testify to UK lawmakers on spill. "The colonists are acting up."
Palin Pumping Politicians
Another strong primary night for Palin-backed politicians! "Now who's the loser?"
Lady Gaga Gets 'Deli Order' Tweet From Senate Leader Harry Reid
In addition to setting the fashion world on fire with her meat dress , Lady Gaga also got some serious deli business done.
Fish & Chips Tastier Than Chips & Fish
Similar results found for toast on beans.
A Sweet One #4
Scientists complete cacao genome mapping. Imagine, hundreds of candy bars with no calories!
A Sweet One #3
Scientists complete cacao genome mapping. New candy bars that don't cause pimples just over the horizon?
A Sweet One #2
Scientists complete cacao genome mapping. See the possibility of 1,000 chocolate bar variations!
A Sweet One!
Scientists complete cacao genome mapping. Mars bars more fun that Mars planet.
Woman Like Chill Guys
Why Women Prefer 'Chill' Guys! "They're saving it up for the bedroom."
Sarkozy's office hits back!
Sarkozy's office hits back at criticism on Gypsies: "WillYOU provide a home for them?"
Afghan Protests Continue
Afghan police fire to clear Quran-burning protest. Protesters say they got nothing else to do. "We'll quit once we have jobs."
Cell Phone Tracking Device #3
Have Cell Phones Become Personal Tracking Devices? "Hello! I wouldn't do that if I were you."
Cell Phone Tracking Devices #2
Have Cell Phones Become Personal Tracking Devices? "Hello! We know what you did last summer!"
Cell Phone Tracking Devices.
Have Cell Phones Become Personal Tracking Devices? "Hello, this is your Uncle Sam!"
Max Sentence Urged #2
US seeks max sentence for ex-Guatemalan soldier, now catching chickens in Arkansas. "What can be a worse punishment than this?", he asks.
Max Sentence Urged
US seeks max sentence for ex-Guatemalan soldier, now catching chickens in Arkansas.
It's Time To Change Again
Christine O'Donnell: 'We're in this to win big''Time for a change..another change!'
Obama Instructs Students #4
Obama tells students to work hard, dream big, always keep your nose in the air!
Obama Instructs Students #3
Obama tells students to work hard, dream big, vote for me in 2012!
Obama Instructs Students #2
Obama tells students to work hard, dream big, pray to Ali three times a day.
Obams Instructs Students
Obama tells students to work hard, dream big. Say "Yes We Can!" at morning, noon and night.
Who's A Family
Who's a family? New study tracks shifting US views. Grinch says we're all the same, us Whos.
Who's A Family?
Who's a family? New study tracks shifting US views. Appeal to native Americans to sort us out.
BP Sounding Like Iran Leader
Massive fish kill reported in Louisiana. BP says they're not there.
History Changing Daily
Ernest Withers, Famed civil rights photographer doubled as FBI informant. Benedict Arnold spied for US during Revolutionary War. Daniel Boon missed that 'bar' that he wrote about on the tree.
We Shall Return The Favor
States cutting benefits for public-sector retirees. Public sector retirees promise wide voting against state officials.
Obama For The UN?
Obama widely approval outside US, widely disapproval in the US.
GOP Focus On Economy
As Congress returns, GOP to focus on economy as someone has to be.
Divited We Fall?
House Dems deeply divided over Obama tax cut plan. GOP deeply divided over Tea Party. America deeply divided!
Big night For Tea Party
Mad Hatter wins big. Message: Everyone's tired of same old lamb dressed as mutton.
Big night For Tea Party
Big night for tea party: O'Donnell wins Delaware. Dormouse upsets favorite.
George Michael jailed
George Michael, jailed in Pentonville, says that he is in complete accord with the trapped Chilean miners.
"We should both see the light of day after 8 weeks of concerted, heavy drilling."
George Michael goes to prison at last!
George Michael has been sentenced to prison and he just can't wait.
"A holiday in the sun," he said and all of those lovely hairy bums in the shower, YAHOO!
After His Cloths Come Out Of Dryer, Man Finds Money
He was later arrested for money laundering.
American Economy 2.0 Update Ready For Download
Now you can have a much improved functioning American economy. This software update will address all of the problems users encountered in the first edition..Oh wait...no...it's still a little glichy.
Get Spoof News in your email inbox!