Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 14 September 2010
More Voters Added On
Reid tacks on immigration amendment to defense bill. Many more illegals would become legal.
Google Not Helping To Block
Creepy Google stalker proves your privacy is an illusion. If you're online, you can be easily found and targeted.
Obama tells students 'sorry, you missed the boat'
President Obama delivered his back to school speech at Philadelphia's Masterman School today, telling students their future is full of endless disappointment.
Where We're Headed?
In a country where most people have government-dependent jobs, the Castro brothers fire a tenth of the workforce in one fell swoop. What do 500,000 people do now? Sound familiar?
Israeli-Palestinian talks in Egypt address key issues of conflict. Number one being that Israel doesn't exist.
This Time It's Obama's "Victory"
American troops helped Iraqi forces battle suspected al-Qaida militants for 2 days, deploying ground units, launching airstrikes in what appears to be the most extensive fighting since they left Iraq!
After Her Death
Recluse found to be UK war heroine after her death. First person ever to do that after they are dead.
That's The French
French Senate passes ban on full Muslim veils. Full frontal nudity is still fine.
Gladys Parton Brown Retires
Dolly Parton's older sister finally retires from her 38-year job at The Purdier Than A Newborn Heifer Hair & Nail Salon."
Mostly Broken Thumbs
Skoob's Law: For every single arm-bending exercise there is an equal and opposite injury.
Hollywood is about to make a movie about an old guy who had penis problems and they are trying to do it true to life. It will be entitled "The Right Stiff"
First Outer Space Reception Comes In!
Earth listening device hears first broadcast from another planet 100 light years and seven days away: "Ponduka, careful where you put your fleebers or I'll inform."
Woe Is Us!
Last positive thinking American discovered at loony bin.
We Have Things To Do!
Government announces that Memorial Day 2011 special services and parade will be outsourced to India!
Obama Doing Flyover!
President Barack Obama to fly over Washington DC to see what's left of a once great country until two years ago!
Remember: We must never ever forget November ninth! (11-9)
Legalise cannabis sales to cut crime and save the NHS millions, says expert. "As it is now, the whole place is going to pot anyway!"
Blair The Peacemaker
Tony Blair (the man many call a war criminal) awarded a medal by Bill Clinton for his 'resolution of conflicts' around the world. Now Bill on same shit list as Blair!
Steered From Driver In Front
The popemobile that the pope will be in while visiting Britain is the one where he had the fake steering wheel and drives like crazy. "Look out! I'm a wild man! Boooden! Booooden!"
Really Just Enjoying Myself
Shamed George Michael jailed for eight weeks for smashing his 4x4 into shop while high on life, according to him.
Don't Tread On Me!
America & Europe face the worst jobs crisis since the 1930s and risk "an explosion of social unrest", the IMF has warned. "People are beginning to get really angry over what has happened!"
Reid In SUV At Energy Summit
Harry Reid arrives at clean energy summit...in fleet of SUVs. Obama: Maybe I should have asked Palin?"
But Remove Thenm Before Going Into Bank
French Senate passes ban of full Muslim veils, approve ski masks.
OZ PM Re-elected With Support of Fans of Obscure Sports
Julia Gillard will stay as Australia's PM after winning support of LaCrosse followers and Tennis fans to her coaltion of Rugby and Cricket.
Britney Struggles With Kids
Exclusive: Britney Spears Struggling to Control Kids Amid Abuse Allegations. "More like they're abusing me", states Spears!
Terrorist Insurgents blow up coffee machine at Sainsbury's!
Insurgents attacked a Sanisbury's coffee machine today in the UK, a sucide bomber attempted to be blown up with the machine but failed, so he had a cappuchino instead!
Seeing Red On Roma
EU's lady from Luxembourg sees red on Roma. French response: Was the lady addressing us? I thought she meant Poland."
Global hunger rapidly increases as obese people attack M**Donalds!
Global hunger is on the rise as starving, fatties attack junk-food joints, as for the real hungry and starving, they don't mind they're used too it!
Egypt Seeking Elevation
Egypt is seeking a role as an American ally as it hosts Israeli-PLO peace talks today, a calculation plays into Mubarak's succession strategy. "After all, we have PLO wall on the other side."
Egypt Comes Forth For Peace Talks
Egypt is seeking a role as an American ally as it hosts Israeli-PLO peace talks today, a calculation plays into Mubarak's succession strategy. "We love the PLO but owe Israel for 400 years of slavery.
Farmer Fined For Trying To Make Money
County Sues Farmer, Cites Too Many Crops! What's he trying to do? Can't make money farming anymore, say officials.
Better To Drink Pissy Water!
Swimming in chlorinated pools 'can lead to cancer'!
Don't Think Either One Needs Stimulation
Feds Spent $800,000 of Economic Stimulus on African Genital-Washing Program. But not one cent on stimulating rednecks!
Why Not A Million?
Feds Spent $800,000 of Economic Stimulus on African Genital-Washing Program! Just so long as they're not wasting our money.
George Michael To Jail
George Michael sentenced to 8 weeks in jail but gets to pick his roomy out of shower room.
Those In Pogo Spoke Cockney!
Australian scientist, Radar O'Reilly, find bats have regional accents.
Spidey's In Marvel Comics
New Spidey star has prepped for role all his life. "I've read over 2,000 DC Comics since I learned to read."
9 Of 10 Breast Feed!
CDC: Utah leads US for breast-feeding, 9 of 10 try. All ten wives participate!
New Toilet Stats #2
Restroom spies say we're washing hands, being propositioned, more often
New Toilet Stats
Restroom spies say we're washing hands, suffering black eyes more often.
That Clears That Up!
Environmental Protection Agency told gas drilling does, does not taint water!
These Bats Turn Into Umpires
Scientists find drugs that may fight balls disease. I'm sorry, that should be "bat" disease.
Don't Take Any Venusian Shlops
Global stocks retreat as yen hits 15-year high. Venusian shlops hit the hardest.
Corn Syrup Wants New Name
Corn syrup producers want sweeter name: Sweetcorn Sugary Orgasm!
A Little Sarcasm Never Hurts
Obama: Students should work hard, focus on school. Students applaud, saying they had never considered that fact.
Then They'll Borrow More!
Senate set to clear $30B credit for small business hoping they will pay it all back in higher taxes.
Al-Screech May Be Charged
US considers terror charges for cleric al-Awlaki, also al-Screech, his half brother.
But Don't Get Hopes Up!
August retail sales up less than half of one percent, best in 5 months!
Castro: Many Wanted Me To "Lay-Off", So...
Cuba's leaders lay out details for layoffs. Then 50% of them are laid off!
Talks Not Working?
In talks, no progress seen on Israeli settlements, anything else.
Lady Gaga says she's "not a piece of meat". "It's just my head."
North To South Poles
Australian launches bid to run from the North to South poles off to a bad start as he reports that there's no pole there.
Veteran Character Harold Gould Dies
Veteran character actor Harold Gould dies at 86! He will have a military honor service tomorrow!
Lie There & Suffer
Forces told to shoot anyone defying Kashmir curfew. Three with charlie horses in legs wounded last night.
He Really Had To GO!!
Forces told to shoot anyone defying Kashmir curfew. Over 100 people with outside toilets fire at last night.
Not A Good Time
AP-CNBC Poll: Investors wary of stock, horse trading!
Explosive Pipes Everywhere
Aging gas pipe at risk of explosion nationwide. Experts say everyone needs to wear puffy clothes!
Press In Control
Could Sarah Palin's glamorous new life in Wasilla derail a presidential run? Could negative articles daily affect it more?
Chaning Name Doesn't Change Product
Corn syrup producers want sweeter name: corn sugar. A disease causing substance by any other name is still a disease causing substance.
SHOCK! Pretty Female Reporter In Football Locker Room Gets Ogled!
RUTHERFORD, NJ - The sporting world was shocked when it learned that men in the Jets' locker room were behaving like men in a locker room.
Tax Issue Won't Go Away, Jobs Do!
If Congress fails to take any action on the tax cuts already in the present rates, then they will expire at the end of this year. Businessmen will have no choice but to cut costs, meaning employees.
Uri Geller to open chain of gastro pubs
to be called Wither Spoons
Democrats Plan Nancy Pelosi's Going-Away Party
WASHINGTON, DC - House Majority Leader, Steny Hoyer is planning a huge party to celebrate Nancy Pelosi's departure as Speaker of the House. Ms. Pelosi has not been invited.
Dead Lennon Outdoes Live Ringo
Tribute concert planned for Lennon's 70th birthday. Ringo sore after practically being ignored for his 70th!
Lots Of Rods Around
K-Rod due in NYC court before Judge A-Rod after fight at Citi Field.
Happens Every Year
Flowers bloom on runways, teens sneaking into favorite hiding spots at NY Fashion Week!
None Hit US So Far!
Julia becomes hurricane in Atlantic as Igor churns. Tune in today for "Julia & Her Twisters".
France Criticized By Fellow EU Members
EU body calls France's Gypsy expulsions 'disgrace'. Say now they'll be heading to OUR countries.
France Criticized In EU
EU body calls France's Gypsy expulsions 'disgrace' "typical of snobbery."
China Postpones Japanese Visit
China postpones visit to Japan amid ship dispute. Besides, China doesn't think they would all fit on the islands.
Terrorists Could Be Digging Underground
Aging gas pipe at risk of explosion nationwide. This is a great thing to tell the terrorists.
50-Year Old Pipes Could Burst
Aging gas pipe at risk of explosion nationwide. Cities admit that they should have been replaced in the 1960's.
Wary Investors #5
AP-CNBC Poll: Investors wary of stock trading. Instead, many can be found every night at the casinos!
Wary Investors #6
AP-CNBC Poll: Investors wary of stock trading. Instead they are sleeping late after a big night of Bingo!
Wary Investors #4
AP-CNBC Poll: Investors wary of stock trading. Instead they are down at the pool hall betting on the games.
Wary Investors #3
AP-CNBC Poll: Investors wary of stock trading. Instead are down at the park, pitching pennies.
Wary Investors #2
AP-CNBC Poll: Investors wary of stock trading. Instead are on park benches, trading lies about the time they made the big hit!
AP-CNBC Poll: Investors wary of stock trading. Instead, have began trading knives on park benches!
Cuba Cuts 500,000 Jobs
Cuba to cut 500,000 gov't workers, reform salaries. Told by officials: "There's nothing her to buy anyway."
Keeping In Shape?
Walking helps keep body and brain young, pockets empty from muggings.
New drug-resistant superbugs found in 3 states. All three asked to keep their people in those states for the rest of their lives or until cure found.
Clinton In Egypt
Clinton in Egypt ahead of peace talks, behind in results!
Both Time & Representatives Are Ripe
Mideast leaders meet, Clinton says 'time is ripe' as both smell rotten!
New drug-resistant superbugs found in 3 states. These have to be surgically removed and stomped on the floor by surgeon's assistant.
New Faces Over Old Political Ads!
Final round primary voters in 7 states set tickets. Only a couple of new laws and we can campaign the year around every year.
Don't Hike In Iran!
Iran's English language state television has reported that American Sarah Shourd has been released after more than a year in prison, after being arrested for hiking.
Hollywood Proctologist censured.
For looking up old friends.
Financial Crisis Has Been Resolved Overnight
Deficit defunct as bartering reintroduced. Abuja, Nigeria now the world's financial centre.
'I got ripped in 3 minutes' claim
Teenager Errol Dando broke into the lions' enclosure at London Zoo. A hospital spokesman said 'Errol is ripped alright'.
Cuban Government Layoffs
Cuba will lay off 500,000 state employees by March 2011, trying to move most into the private sector. Laid off workers appeal to President Obama for unemployment insurance as he is a fellow leftist!
Cuban Government Laid off Workers Smiling
Many of the 500,000 Cuban state employees that may be moved into the private sector are happy. American corporate executives are negotiating to open manufacturing plants, paying good non-union wages!
Cuban Capitalists May Arise
Many of the 500,000 Cuban state employees being moved into the private sector could work for American corporations. American labor unions may get card check, but their jobs may be checking into Cuba!
US Imports from Cuba
The Chinese could set up manufacturing plants in Cuba employing laid off workers. FDA recalls on toxic products would be made much easier, as Cuba is only 90 miles away and Spanish is spoken here!
Left Wing Voo Doo Economic Policy
Obama's Chief Economic Advisor resigns & goes back to UC Berkeley to teach economics. Oh s**t, the same Obama administration moronic economic policies will eventually plague our great-grandchildren!
As long as politicians believe voters are stupid the likes of Obama, Pelosi and Reid will be elected. TV advertisers treat their viewers as stupid and the politicians have seen this approach works!
Annoying Political Phone Messages
A Computer Engineer has developed a system that automatically returns calls from political candidates that occur during dinner time. The message is "I'm sitting on the potty and can't come to……….!"
Liberal Attack Dogs Strategy
Democratic liberal left politicians attack opponents using libelous arguments, with impunity. If the Republicans dare to counter they are labeled racists & the liberals pout their feelings are hurt!
Possible EEOC Law Suit
A worker asks EEOC to sue his employer for making him wear long sleeve shirts to work. Joe Smith has tits tattooed all over his forearms, claiming religious discrimination as he is a Hedonist!
Transparent Government Implemented
OSHA mandates implanting computer chips to monitor all Obama administration personnel. The devices indicate tax evasion, lobbyist affiliation, lying to Americans & propensity to spend taxpayer money!
Classifieds - My sister's diary
For sale, my sister's diary. Find out what she said about you. £30 ono, phone after 7 because she's going round to her friends house.
Please note that the tickets for day two of this even will be left underneath your windscreen wiper; even if it is raining.
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