Spoof news snippets from Monday 13 September 2010
5-year-old boy wins Alaska moose calling contest! Actually calls up two female moose and Kirstie Alley.
Wicked Witch of the West Files Lawsuit Against Nancy Pelosi
SAN FRANCISCO, CA - John Dennis (R-CA) has portrayed Nancy Pelosi as The Wizard of Oz's Wicked Witch of the West in a new video ad. Dennis is running for Pelosi's seat in the House of Representatives.
Death on the Increase
More people have died than ever before - official.
Beatles Lyrics Have Become a Recognised Language
Bee Gees high-pitch lingo is making little impact on communication styles although Michael Jackson phraseology has virtually wiped out standard Cantonese.
Obama Says GOP Like Things He Does
Obama sees areas for compromise with GOP. "We all love parties! Vacations! Beer!"
They Will Regret It!
Bob Marley family loses case over hit records. They may settle for making dolls and using pins.
More Clean-Up Coming?
Where's the oil? On the Gulf floor, scientists say. BP will just have to suck it up!
It's A Trade Off!
Walking helps keep body and brain young, feet flat and legs with varicose veins.
Obama Compromise With GOP
Obama sees areas for compromise with GOP. All of them being in Washington and out of touch with the people for instance.
The Meat Woman!
Lady Gaga says she's "not a piece of meat". She just looks and thinks like one.
New Drug Czar
New UN drugs czar from Russia takes office with his arms out like an airplane.
US Going Cuba Style? Keep That Old Junker!
Cuba to cut 500,000 gov't workers, reform salaries in failing economy where the US is hiring government workers more than private companies.
Yellow Fever Spreads to Red China
The disease has already passed through Greenland, the Black Sea, Orange County, Indigo Valley, the Blue Danube, Brownsea Island and even the Isle of Wight.
Masturbation the Most Popular Exercise in the World
A spate of new celebrity DVDs expected soon.
Masturbation the Most Popular Exercise in the World
A spate of new celebrity DVDs expected to be released shortly.
Sacrifice The Many For The Few!
Democrats to throw full support behind only contestants that can win. "The rest of you head under the bus!"
Al-QaidaTries A Rerun?
In the latest bin Ladin video, he tells George Bush he should resign from the presidency!
Recommendations For This Thanksgiving #4
Singing Elton John's "Don't Go Baking My Heart" every time you run short on food isn't even funny the first time you say it.
Recommendations For This Thanksgiving #2
That's better. This Thanksgiving never start a food fight with the kids and grandma at the small table. They have nothing to lose after being humbled like this.
Recommendations For This Thanksgiving #3
Always list the number 2 before you make a statement for #3.
Recommendations For This Thanksgiving
What ever you do, don't mention LAST Thanksgiving to Tiger Woods!
Here! I Can't See My Laptop!
Guy in the middle seat on airlines turns in couple having sex from each side of him.
Trump Is Trying
Donald Trump once again turned down in trying to purchase Ground Zero property, Amazon Forest!
They Still Act Confused
Iraq still unsettled after all we did for them. Still in factions since Babylon.
Where Is It?
Large Hadron Collider not being discussed after peasants tried to hunt it down with torches!
Where Are The Solar Panels?
President Obama wants to tap into the nation's solar reserve.
Obama Will Bring Us Together #2
Obama Will Bring Us Together As Promised! Only we didn't know it would being the poor house!
Obama Will Bring Us Together
The top .0005% say that they are better off than they were two years ago.
Quentin Tarantino proves he's "schizo" by voting for himself, himself and himself again!
Tarantino has been accused of nepotism whilst sitting on the jury at the Venice Film Festival, he had a sudden schizo attack and Quentin and himselves all voted for him, he scooped all the awards!
Two UK men sell £250K worth of sperm on the Internet, "Tossers!"
Using overdoses of viagra, porn magazines and their wives dressed as Dominatrix's, 2 UK men wanked themselves silly earning £250K selling frozen sperm, nobody told them IT'S ILLEGAL, WANKERS!
That Funny Sport
Duluth Dynamos lose Curling contest again, as Superior made a clean sweep!
Afraid To Tackle One!
According to their opponents, the Arkansas State football team should be 'ranked' number one in the country.
John Lennon's Toilet Sold at Auction for $14,740!
Before they made the big time, it was used as an echo chamber!
Men More Forgetful
Study: Men are more forgetful than uh...than..the non-men pretty ones.
Unrest In Cuba
United States wonders what will happen next in Cuba as fatigue-wearing Fidel calls Raul Castro the family idiot.
Latest Cyber Attack
Latest Cyber attacks came from China say experts. "They have 2,000 idiot savants in one big building running new attacks.
Carpet Strike Coming?
The United Carpet Installers Union #302 in Texas demand higher tacks break!
"Turn To ABC, Jeff! Click!"
Dianne Sawyer won the news coverage ratings after co-worker gave her a hotfoot during Koran Burning story.
News People Refuse To Cover Anymore Flag, Koran Burnings
News sources blamed for coverage of preacher in Florida say they will never again give a person....he just did what? We now go live to our correspondent in Florida.
No Pictures Please
Democrat Candidates for November election distancing themselves from President, now working from their homes just outside DC.
Paraller Universe One Foot Higher
Theorists say that a parallel universe may be only one foot above the present one. Why we sometime trip over nothing.
Not Extreme Muslims
American Muslims say they are not joined to any extremist parties. "We're mostly simple fanatics."
On Soap Box Again!
Florida says he's going to burn a picture of Mohammed as soon as they can find a snapshot.
At Least It's A Laugh Riot
Local Afghanistan man falls victim to the old fire-proof American Flag trick again, as friends laugh themselves into another riot!
They Are Hiring!
Same company that makes fire-proof American Flags hired to make fire-proof Korans!
MidEast Talks Show Improvement
Some improvement at PLO/Israeli peace talks as PLO representative goes to waste paper can and empties his pocket of rocks.
Breakthrough In MidEast Talks
A breakthrough was announced at the Mideast talks between Israel and the PLO as the PLO rep. agrees that the man across the table from him exists!
Should Get Prison Terms On Bread & Water?
High life of the third world poverty quango bosses: Officials 'lived it up in luxury hotels at taxpayers', poor's expense'
Gunire On The Border
Mexican Gunmen Fire at Border Patrol Agents, Butch Cassidy, Sundance Kid!
Increased Taxes Equals High Unemployment
Republicans accuse the White House of "Class Warfare"! Pitting Low income against higher. "It's the high-income people who provide jobs for poor.
Help Offset Threat?
OBAMA SEALS $60B SAUDI SALE; LARGEST ARMS DEAL EVER. Say they feel better over Iran Nuclear weapons.
Eye Scans Coming!
The Homeland Security Dept plans to test futuristic iris scan technology that stores digital images of people's eyes in a database and is considered a quicker alternative to fingerprints, ass copiers.
You Name It, Pub Can Help
Pub offers free advice to long-term jobless, guys with marriage problems, kids bad grades at school.
McCarthy Dies At 96!
Body Snatchers' actor McCarthy, 96, dies in Mass. Body missing.
Schwarzenegger Checking Out China
California's Governor Schwarzenegger checks out China's high-speed rail, tail!
Louisiana May Change Name
Strengthening La Nina could mean more La. hurricanes!
Bat Disease Breakthrough, But None For Old Bats
Scientists find drugs that may fight bat disease. Just in time according to stricken Bruce Wayne.
China's Wan Explains Surplus
China's Wen says trade surplus not intentional. "We just happen to be manufacturing a lot of lost cost junk when people can't afford better."
It's Election Mud-Slinging, Dirty Tricks Time!
GOP Senate hopeful at Conn. event with bomb threat. Accuses democrats not wanting her to speak.
Gays For Congress
Gay candidates for Congress draw interest, hope, other gays.
Lockerbie Investigators Won't Meet
UK officials won't meet US Lockerbie investigators. "We still have our plates full, with 911."
"My Friend, Moshe, What Are We Arguing About Today
Israeli leaders divided on deporting migrant children, everything else.
Belgian Church Confronts Priest Abuse
Belgian church seeks way out of abuse crisis. "There are so many abusive priests we've ignored in the past, this may take awhile!"
SKorea Sends FoodTo NKorea
SKorea to send rice, other aid to flood-hit NKorea but Kim angry about no cartoons!
Clinton's task in Mideast talks: focus on success #2
Several successful peace times over the past few decades, usually just after a big war.
Clinton's task in Mideast talks: focus on success !
After all, there has been much over the past 2,000 years.
Thought It Belonged To Customers
Markets welcome new global banking rules. "We won't have to loan out as much of OUR money!"
Yes, That's Her!
Bacteriologist Lillian South being recognized this week. Everybody advised to wear their masks during her brief appearance.
Bernie During The Rest Of The Week
Students form bond with family of a cadaver donor. "Bernie has pulled a lot of us together."
Walking Helpful In Many Ways!
Walking helps keep body and brain young, muggers with enough to pay bills!
Walking As Exercise
Walking helps keep body and brain young, feet doubled with age! Also, reduces gas (in auto).
At Dinner Theaters!
In today's entertainment news: Meatloaf may accompany Black-Eyed Peas on tour!
"As The Stomachs Turn"
Swift, West live up to the hype at the VMAs Turned Soap Opera!
Has A Familiar Ring To It!
Mexican marines capture top drug lieutenant, al-Quaalude #2!
Mexicans Capture Another Drug Biggie!
Mexican marines capture top drug lieutenant Number Two. This is starting to sound familiar.
Obamacare To Cost More, Not Less!
FACT CHECK: White House health savings challenged. Study shows new Healthcare Bill will actually raise costs, perhaps considerably.
Early Morning Biker Noise
Bikers make noise on attempt to quiet motorcycles. "Once the husband is awake & discovers 'morning wood', a wife can't go back to sleep for at least five minutes!"
Sleep Cycles Disturbed
Bikers make noise on attempt to quiet motorcycles. "Even if they leave the area in a hurry, the dogs still bark for an hour", says one California resident.
Students Bond With Cadaver!
Students form bond with family of a cadaver donor. To be made into a movie, with Al Gore starring as the cadaver!
Fellow Americans' suspicions frustrate US Muslims. Fellow American Muslim's actions, like mosque at Ground Zero, frustrate other Americans.
Unions Being Sued
Mich. child care workers sue to break from union. Everybody is wondering, is the Mime Union next?
Funds Coming In Slowly
Gulf claims process criticized after BP takeover. "Very few have received funds for loss of income due to oil leak."
Executive Bonuses Back To Pre-Crisis Levels
Said Toilet & Douche spokesman: "That's right - the fat bastards are sticking their snouts in the trough again. Oh, mate - come the fuckin' revolution...!"
Much Too Much Credit Card Debt
Mira had too much credit card debt. She became a $1000 per night call girl in Washington DC and paid off her debts. She is planning to run for Congress next year!
Medical Breakthrough on Decreasing Spending
Dr. Goldwater discovers a cure for Obamaitis. Democratic liberal left Congressmen need to drink a quart of prune juice every morning, such that they never get to the floor to vote on spending bills!
He's not the anointed One
A new Secret Service agent saw strange lights in the White House west wing last night. The agent in charge indicated it's not light shinning from President Obama's orifices but only night-lights.
President Obama Takes another Vacation
VP Biden has been sworn in as the 45th President of the USA. The new president compromised with the Republicans on changes to health care and Wall Street reform, and extending the Bush tax cuts.
Democratic 2010 Mid-term Election Strategy
DNC Chairman announced that no more funds will be spent on any Democratic Congressional candidate until the 2012 elections. Republicans are going to eat our lunch, so we might as well save our money!
Democratic 2010 Mid-term Election Strategy Addenda
DNC clarifies position on no spending for the 2010 mid-term Congressional elections. Michelle Obama can still hold rallies, as Congressional candidates are distancing themselves from the president!
Democratic Liberal Translation
Jesus said "Render unto Caesar the things which are Caesar's." King Obama I said "Render unto me higher taxes, which are mine to spend, spend and spend on useless Democratic liberal left programs!"
It's in their Nature
Animal studies illustrate that Democratic liberal left Congressmen are related to lemmings. The scientists say that the Democrat's left ideology will take them over the cliff in November's elections!
New Apparel to Have an Additional Pocket
Democratic liberal left Congress mandates an additional pocket be added to ladies & men's apparel. This feature allows politicians easier access to putting their hands in the middle-classes' pockets!
Ban the Poop Makers
Environmentalists ask the EPA to ban toddlers from soiling diapers, generating Methane gas and releasing Ammonia into the atmosphere!
NAACP Selects Racism Czar
Ex-HML Reid beat out Reverends Jackson & Sharpton to monitor the Tea Party for racism. Czar Reid won because of saying "President Obama is light skinned, has no Negro accent except when he wants to."
Less Funding for Medical Research
Obamacare taxes are reducing funds available for medical research to extend life expectancy. Zero population growth organizations cheered! AARP replied "sonny @*$! #%* and the horse you rode in on!"
USA Infrastructure Political Shell Game
Pres Clinton proposed spending $1 billion on infrastructure. Pres Obama proposes spending $50 billion (above stimulus). Corps of Engineers estimates infrastructure upgrades costing $2.5-$3 trillion!
The Top 100 Useless Stimulus Projects
The "Top 100 Useless Stimulus Projects" has been published. One 500 page study, paid for with stimulus money, finds that most human beings with breasts and vaginas are women except in California!
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