Spoof news snippets from Sunday 12 September 2010
Afghanistan Splitting Up!
Study: Afghanistan could become a failed state and be cut up into four countries. Which is good news since there are now 21 groups fighting each other.
Groundhog Screwed Up
Groundhog says that we'll have six more weeks of warm weather...and that he's stoned out of his mind on fermented grain.
I've Noticed More Signs
Study: Housing crisis linked to lack of houses being sold, built.
Mars Rover Reporting Again
Mars Rover reports back that Mars is afraid that our global depression will spread to them. Will loan the US one billion Herns!
Navy Makes Deal With Whales
The US Navy has made a breakthrough with the whales. If we will stop running sonar during their mating for an hour, they will quit singing while we conduct maneuvers.
Driving Tops List of Mobile Phone User Irritations
Cell phone users cite having to pay attention to the road while driving and talking as their number one peeve.
Carbon Thieves Caught
Police in Nashville, Tennessee say they have tracked down the carbon footprints of carbon thieves and caught them stealing carbon black-handed.
Warned By Jeremiah Wright
President Obama says that FOX Network is backed by Nazis and demons.
Bear hunting season
Animal rights activists are up in arms over a resuming of bear hunting. "It's bad enough when people hunt animals while wearing clothes!" said one.
Americas prayers answered
Osama Bin Laden eats shit and dies
AnuSol Steroid cream will not be made for over a week, starting on Monday. It is hoped that stockpiles will last until manufacturing is resumed.
Just A Theory
Fellow Americans' suspicions frustrate US Muslims. Might because of all the bombings and killings in the daily news.
Senator Barney Frank says that he would support a middle ass movement.
Coast to coast, tea partiers promote their cause! West Coast may start the Merry Marijuana Mobs!
Tougher Bank Rules
Global regulators agree on tougher bank rules, including putting a log chain on those pens in the lobby.
Maybe A Little Lower
Boehner says he'd support a middle-class tax cut. "What's middle class these days $150,000-$250,000?"
US Military to Introduce Fleet of Stealth Farm Tractors
Tractors aren't just for harvesting any more. These stealth tractors not only mow down enemies, but shoot lasers. These bad boys are so stealth that no one has yet been able to photograph them.
Paris Hilton is not a hotel! Official
Despite her name and the hoards of people coming and going inside her, Paris Hilton is not a hotel.
John Boehner Admits He Hates Poor People, Babies and Puppies
Bob Schieffer was able to get his guest, John Boehner, to admit that he and all Republicans hate poor people, babies, puppies and everything else that is not related to the wealthy.
My favorite Bushism according to former VP Dick Cheney? "The fox has taken over the asylum."
It's The Eyebrows
Nancy Pelosi, should she lose her position as a U.S. representative, says she has been offered several roles in horror movies.
Democrats, Republicans Agree to Raise Taxes on Poor
After months of wrangling whether to raise taxes on the rich or lower taxes on the middle-class, Congressional leaders have agreed to introduce legislation to raise taxes on the poor.
Another Google Feature
Google to offer new service that will allow you to write humor like those who write for TheSpoof!
Use Roma Tomatoes
European Union Condemns France's Expulsion of Roma. Hurl tomatoes!
French Have Poor Sex Lives
Ooh la la! Over 75 per cent of FRENCH people have bad sex lives, survey reveals. That's why they have to talk it up!
Pensioner Goes After Wheelie Bin!
Call out the lifeguard! Pensioner, 81, puts to sea in rubber dinghy to recover WHEELIE BIN! "They would fine me my entire pension if I lost that wheelie bin", says old-timer.
"Here You Have"
A new email virus that promises a link to free sex films is wreaking havoc at some of the biggest businesses across the world today. DO NOT WRITE "HERE YOU HAVE" on your computer!
Just A Bit Of Bad Luck?
Unluckiest day for policeman tasered by colleague after blinding himself with pepper spray and having a can of paint fall over his head and tasered mother in law after stumbling. (all on Friday 13th)
Psychologist: Sexy Teletubbies Turn On?
Teletubbies is as bad for your child as a violent video game, says leading psychologist. "For one thing, they see being fat as a good thing. Also they...they twist their tails!"
Arkansas Needs Fresh Blood
The Irish brother and sister who had a child together are to break the law and marry later this month. They are then moving to Arkansas.
Need To Specialize
Michael Gove brings back technical schools to train new generation of plumbers and mechanics. "They will make a better living than university graduates, physicians.
Played The Bad Cop!
Police sergeant jailed for throwing woman in cell 'punched and kicked civil servant in separate attack', ate children's pet puppies!
Country's top tax boss forced into humiliating apology for bill blunder... just hours after refusing to say sorry, pissing pants.
Poor Old Billionaires Are Pitiful
Outlook Gloomy at Secret Billionaire Meeting. Most tell these poor people, "We feel your pain, billfold".
Billionaires: Outlook Gloomy!
Outlook Gloomy at Secret Billionaire Meeting. "You can't even buy a representative these days, let alone a Senator!
Obama Makes Slight Change
INDEFINITE LEAVE TO REMAIN: Obama shifts approach to deporting illegals to importing voters!
Simon Needs Help
Simon Cowell needs 'vitamin injections' to keep on top of workload, girlfriend.
"No Thanks Mr. President
Vulnerable Democrats duck public events, President Obama appearance!
"Somewhere" Wins Somewhere!
SOFIA COPPOLA 'SOMEWHERE' WINS TOP PRIZE AT VENICE...or Someplace!
Keeps Dogging Around!
NFL opener sets ratings record; Most-watched regular season game in 14 years, that's two in Brett Favre years.
Poverty Loses War
Poverty on track to post record gain under Obama. Hobo yards popping up around bus stations.
No To Solar Panels
Obama: 'No' to solar panels on White House roof. But will grow a bigger garden on former Rose Garden.
An erotic breaker of taboos or an asexual copycat? Camille Paglia, America's foremost cultural critic, demolishes Lady Gaga!
Bieber Does Simon & Gar Favorite
Bieber rocks downtown L.A. as he preps for VMAs, dedicates "Mrs. Robinson" song to 29-year-old girlfriend.
Greek PM Announcement #2
Greek prime minister: no new austerity measures. You will have toilet paper again by December.
Greek PM Announcement
Greek prime minister: no new austerity measures. "Everyone go back to your hovels."
"We Need Thees In Caleefornya"
Schwarzenegger checks out China's high-speed rail, leaps over The Great Wall, learns to write "I'll be back" in Chinese to use with autographs.
Obama Pleads For Tolerance
Obama commemorates 9/11 with appeal for tolerance, more vacation time.
"I Don't Wanna Go Home!"
Report: Several Saudi diplomats seeks asylum in US, women!
Col. Senate Election Debate
Colorado Senate hopefuls spar on Bush-league tax cuts. I'm sorry. "Bush-era" tax cuts.
Feds: Gas pipe that exploded ranked high risk !
Probably should have taken a peek at it back in 1960.
Palin, Beck recall 9/11 attacks at Alaska event !
They just missed us here by only two thousand miles.
US Still Unsettled
Unsettled nation marks 9/11 with rituals of sorrow, football games knocking event off the air.
Slow News Day?
Turkey votes in referendum to amend constitution. So, everyone, hold your breath and cross your fingers.
Two Popes In A Row
Different pope, different times for British trip. Two popes in a row, after none came before. Choir boys refuse to perform.
China Still Upset Over Boat Incident
China summons Japanese ambassador again over boat mishap. "We still owe you one over WWII!"
Number Of Poor Growing #2
Record gains for US poverty with elections looming. Paying a bailed out GM CEO eight million might have fed a few people.
Number Of Poor Growing
Record gains for US poverty with elections looming. How about a Salvation Army, Feed The Children Bailout instead of corrupt bank, greedy companies?
Thought He Backed Out!
What Christians Can Learn from Koran Burner the Rev. Terry Jones. That he didn't burn it?
Ky. gunman grew hostile. Police believe that may have led to him killing six people.
May Be More Out There?
Feds: Gas pipe that exploded ranked high risk. Due to be replaced as early as 2025.
Unsettled nation marks 9/11 with rituals of sorrow, idiocy.
Event Probably Already Sold Out!
Bacteriologist Lillian South being recognized this week as she is beginning to look like herself after bad bacteria infection.
At Least She's Trying!
Clinton resuming last, last, final 'last chance' Mideast peace talks.
Swift To Sing About West Taking Mike? #2
Swift to sing about West debacle this year at VMAs. Something really important, unlike "Blowing In The Wind", "The Times They Are A-Changing" & "Only A Pawn In Their Game".
Swift To Sing About West Taking Mike!
Swift to sing about West debacle this year at VMAs. West took her mike away after she won an award last year, if there's anyone out there left who hasn't heard about it.
US Poverty Increases From Lack Of Jobs
Record gains for US poverty with elections looming. Will candidates be handing out food stamps?
Igor Getting Stonger
Hurricane Igor getting stronger in open Atlantic. Could become a Frankenstein!
Went Apeshit Wild?
Officials: Passenger accused of making threat after plane returned for mechanical problems. Apparently threw crap at attendant, pilot.
Saudi Diplomats Seek Asylum
Report: Saudi diplomat seeks asylum in US as he believes his life is threatened by Muslim extremists if he goes home.
Book & Flag Burnings!
9th Anniversary of Sept. 11 Attacks has gone from anger, to sorrow back to anger!
Number Of Poor Increasing
Record gains for US poverty with elections looming on President Obama's watch. Time to stop partying, Mr. President.
Don't Forget Jeremiah Wright
What Christians Can Learn from Koran Burner, Rev. Terry Jones! Actually, many do feel that Muslims get away with murdering thousands. Someone had some backbone. What happened to "Love your enemies?"
US Wandering W/O Leadership
Unsettled nation marks 9/11 with rituals of sorrow, actions of anger!
Clinton Still Trying With Peace Talks
Clinton resuming 'last chance' Mideast peace talks. Most think that "Actions" will follow next.
Tenth Last Chance Peace Talks
Clinton resuming 'last chance' Mideast peace talks, since the last 'last chance'.
It was raining steak knives in Portsmouth this morning - well they had been warned to watch out for sharp showers.
Iran Changes Mind Once Again
A senior Iranian prosecutor said Sunday that authorities will release a jailed American woman on $500,000 bail because of health problems. Hiking near Iran border is very costly.
Ghost Busters annual "Bash" at Ground Zero resounding success!
The annual, gathering of global "Ghost Busters", Buddhists, and Hari Krishna groups was a resounding success, at next years 10th anniversary ghostly Suicide Bombers are appearing with 70 Virgins!
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