Spoof news snippets from Saturday 11 September 2010
Chinese Juan Good Best Doughnuts
Chinese Juan Good Best Doughnuts seems to be the latest hangout in Lower Manhattan. At least it's where a lot of police hang out. Maybe it's a rough neighborhood.
Talk About Dumb
A Polish is arrested in front of wife and son, for 'anti-gipsy' email that he didn't even write. "Just shows you how dumb these Polock are, arrested for some writing he didn't do", states officer.
"Got Me A New Blanket, Eh?"
Mayor of New Liberty, Kansas apparently only knows one joke about buying a solar powered blanket. Everyone's heard it at least 20 times now. Almost daily now you hear, "Well, he comes Mayor Blanket."
I Could Use A Drink
East Kentucky man, running his car on alcohol, pulled over by police begins celebrating when he learns they're going to throw him in the tank!
Obama Breaks Another Record
After his speech at the Pentagon, President Obama went straight to the White House and signed a record 1,000th IOU to China.
Expect More Layoffs?
Billionaires, totaling 50 individuals, including more than 10 billionaires, 40 multi-millionaires was decidedly pessimistic on the U.S. economy, investment opportunities & the Obama administration.
Obama Lying Again?
OBAMA: 'We are not and never will be at war with Islam'! "You Lie!" shouted loud but no one saw Joe anywhere!
US Poverty Gains!
US poverty on track to post record gain in 2009. Lyndon B. Johnson turns over in his grave.
Appeal For Tolerance?
Obama commemorates 9/11 with appeal for tolerance. They may be killing Christians all over the world but they're just throwing a temper tantrum!
Who Will, Who Won't?
Florida church may not burn Qurans, but Kansas church says it will. Brett Favre says he hasn't made up his mind yet.
North & South Korea Talks
North Korea proposes talks with South on split infinitives!
I'm sorry, that should be families.
Calls For Tolerance!
Obama commemorates 9/11 with appeal for tolerance for himself for his first two years in office.
First The Discovery Channel
Man who took hostages at the Discovery Channel this week had the BBC on his list for "Next". Reason: "They talk funny!"
Democrats abandon plans to pull out fall elections by legalizing pot. "They're too stoned to vote!"
Be A Kid Again
Cheapo Airlines offer half price tickets as Spruce Goose-sized planes have swing seats hanging from the roof.
Mars Probe Now Here
Mars Probe discovered roaming around Window Rock in the desert high country. Seems to have been sent back to study earth.
Lotion Eating Oil?
Scientists now say that sun screen lotion in the ocean helped grow oil eating microbes a little at a time over the years.
Might Be Cause Of Higher Temps?
Experts urges that there be no panic but according to latest findings, the earth is two foo closer to the sun than in 1980.
President blocked by GOP on banning cluster bombs, outlaws clusters cereal!
Rivalry Hurting Us
Washington Post: Counterterrorism effort marred by rivalry between FBI, CIA, PETA, NCAA, ACLU!
"It's Election Time Somewhere!"
"Kenyans For The Truth" begin campaign against Obama in 2012 already!
US Seventh Warlike Nation!
Poll: Greenland is the least likely to declare war on anyone. The US is seventh. Today, the US declared war on Greenland.
The new White House makeover includes ten practice putting greens!
Buy The Bag!
Most Airlines now ask for a deposit on their barf bags as soon as you get on board. Buy one! If not, get ready for some fancy plane-dipping.
Burn That Audubon!
Muslim crowd burns pictures of birds after being told book by Audubon "Birds Of America" is the world's most expensive book.
Third World Rebuffs Gates Foundation's Latest Gift
Obama Speaking At Pentagon
Obama to speak today at Pentagon. Sends wife, Michelle, to troubled Ground Zero spot on 911 anniversary.
Reverend Terry Jones,
Letter from God to Reverend Terry Jones,
Are you a fucking idiot?
Mel Gibson Weighs in on Koran Burning Debaucle
Mel Gibson announced today that if that panty waist preacher from Gainesville is too chicken to burn the Koran, he can step aside and let a real religious whackjob take over. Then he hit a woman.
Man Rescued In Wheelie Bin "A Cat Lover."
Lifeboat crews have rescued a man off the coast of Anglesey - in a wheelie bin!
Spokesman said: "When we picked him up he said he went after it because he swore he could hear a cat mewing in it."
Men Better Looking, Women Sexier!
How Britain attracts more migrants than France AND Germany!
Muslim World Violent Dispite Burning Called Off!
Violent backlash across Muslim world despite Pastor Terry Jones finally calls off 9/11 Koran-burning. "Might as well go ahead as it seems to make no difference."
IMF Forecast "Gloomy."
Said spokesman: "I'm just, like, totally fed up with it all. You know? I can't be arsed any more. Ask someone else.
"It's all crap anyway."
Big Brother Is Here
Special investigation: It took just one hour for internet experts to find out almost every private detail of this woman's life! Even pics of house, health history and age despite what she claims.
Family Wants Body Returned
Give us Gareth's body back: Dead MI6 spy's family demand independent tests to find out truth. "If police won't do anything, we will."
Capitalist Not Communist!
Castro: I Meant That 'Capitalist System' Doesn't Work. Not that our communist system has failed. Of course, on the surface it looks like a dump but underneath it's doing well. Ahem!
White House reporters abuzz over wedding ring-less president.!
White House reporters abuzz over wedding ring-less president. Told by Bill Clinton that it doesn't work. "They all know your face."
Obama Not Wearing Wedding Ring
White House reporters abuzz over wedding ring-less president. "Everybody seems to be upset with me", states President Obama!
Record Setting Game
FLASH: NFL opener sets ratings record; Most-watched regular season game in 14 years. Most viewers say that had no money to do anything else.
Rits Out Of Conrol
Afghans riot over Koran burning. Burn American flag, effigy of Obama, furniture, Koran.
Should Have Checked That Out Earlier
"Father" of 55 children arrested in suspected benefits scam. Owes the government two million dollars.
Bartenders Know A Lot
Pub offers free advice to long-term jobless, your sex life and what Washington is up to these days.
Yoko Ono Installation
Yoko Ono installation seeks healing amid violence. Promises not to sing.
New Book Out By Alphabet's Daughter
Schwarzenegger-Shriver daughter writes first book. Printers having a hard time getting her full name on the cover.
'Sing Out' Co-Founder Dead!
Irwin Silber, Sing Out magazine co-founder, dies. "Oh, Silber the founder is dead! Sibler the founder is dead! Everybody!!"
China Growing Past Food Supplies?
China's inflation edges up, driven by food costs. Ten more cities appear overnight with one million population each.
One Koran, slightly singed. Tel. Florida: 3642 8872 and ask for Terry.
Regulators close small Florida bank that financed over 100 kids lemonade stands.
Daley Still Passionate A Being Mayor
Daley: Passion for being Chicago mayor remains. Hard to give up all this power, Power! POWER!!!
Voter Anger Grows
Obama: Voter anger could hurt Dems in elections. Somebody must be stirring them up.
No Burning Promise Has No Effect. Just Want To Riot
Thousands of Afghans in anti-Quran-burning protest accidentally burn down four mosques.
Politician Goes Viral?
Ohio politician goes viral with nomination pitch. Actually saying out loud what most Americans feel!
Answer Seems Obvious
Striking Greek protesters to confront government on economy! "Why aren't we getting anything done?"
"Can't We All Get Along"
Obama remembers Sept. 11, calls for unity. Gets hit by shoe.
"But I Don't Want To Go Home At 33"
Universities and colleges stress studying. Pass new policy against staying at college for more than ten years.
Used Software Sales Threatened
Appeals court ruling threatens used software sales. May have to go underground and into black market!
Jimmy Carter Syndrome #2
Iran balks at release of American woman. Where's today's Ronald Reagan? "Release all three of we blow you to smithereens."
Jimmy Carter Syndrome
Iran balks at release of American woman. "With all this 9-11 stuff, we're not getting enough publicity."
Obama's Health Care Plan Not Cared About
FACT CHECK: Obama's tone shifts on health care as he voice goes into a high Bob Dylan-like whine!
FACT CHECK: Obama's tone shifts on health care
"This horrible plan that's CONGRESS has pushed down our throats!"
President Obama Flip-Flopping Away!
FACT CHECK: Obama's tone shifts on health care. After all the bribes to hold-outs & getting it passed, nobody seems to want it.
Passenger Disrupts Plane. Won't Say Who!
Disruptive passenger taken off Mich.-Fla. flight after snorting some cocaine hid up her Hilton ass.
"We're All Going To Die!"
Disruptive passenger taken off Mich.-Fla. flight after falling asleep and dreaming about crash.
All Using 9-11 For Politics
The Charlatans Have Taken Over 9/11 as every political form the President to new dog catcher candidate tries to take advantage of the event.
Imaging Drugs Deadly #2
FDA warns of deadly side effect with imaging drugs. 1,000 times worse than x-rays. But where else can the hospitals get enough money to stay open as illegal immigrants don't pay.
Imaging Drugs Deadly
FDA warns of deadly side effect with imaging drugs. 1,000 times worse than x-rays. "But you have to have them in case you're sick!"
Not A Good History
Catholics in England suffered long. Protestants in Europe suffered from Catholics. Islam caught it from Crusaders. Christians still catching it from Islam. Jews pretty well caught hell from everybody.
Glad He Remembered
Obama remembers Sept. 11, calls for unity. Stringing up Osama Bin Laden like a gutted deer.
9-11 Priorties #2
The first full week of college football and the Koran burnings and riots start. Not a good sign for football fans!
Islam controversies cast shadow over 9/11 events. Whatever, they better not mess with college football or out they go.
Local hunter mistakes meaning of tourist season...
Three tourists maimed in hunting accident.
Local man with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,
...Police treating it as hostage situation.
Local cemetery raises it's burial prices.
Blames it on the cost of living.
use a sledgehammer.
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