Spoof news snippets from Friday 10 September 2010
New Low Loan Rates
Bank loans are never going to be lower! Take out a loan today for a new car, new furniture or that penis transplant you've always wanted! BR-549!
Jerry Lewis and Sally Struthers say they can both stand in the shadow of Kirstie Alley!
I'm A Free Woman
Martha Stewart celebrates five years of freedom by having her gardener flog her nude body with Long blooming chives.
Motto No Longer True!
Las Vegas officials asked about "What happens in Vegas..". Looks like some left in it in Paris.
That's An Understatement
Obama said he understands why some Democratic congressional candidates are not saying much about his landmark health care overhaul, even many who once supported it. The new law has proven unpopular.
President Deaf To Comment
Obama ignores question: Aren't you glad the same people who can't protect the country from illegal aliens are good enough to run health care?
He's A Fine One!
Dick Cheney caught looking over map of Whoville once again.
If There's Any Left
Administration lowers expectations of political progress in Iraq. "But they're learn to get along eventually", says President.
What's That Mean?
HS Sec. Napolitano will mark the 9th anniversary of 9/11 with a speech Friday in NY vowing to keep up the fight & "to enlist the nation in its own collective security." I feel better already!
Government Can't Get Anything Right?
GOVERNMENT MOTORS CEO GETS $9 MILLION PAY PACKAGE. Remember how the others were criticized?
Iman Ignores Pastor's Deadline
Ground Zero imam ignores pastor's two-hour deadline. I wouldn't get the pastor pissed or it could get worse.
Every Vote Counts
President Obama goes after the "Silent Majority" for democrats running for office this fall by hosting an air guitar concert in Washington.
On A 9-0, Power Vote!
The Supreme Court struck down a poor old street wino today just because they can!
More TV Ads!
CBS says that they will have to resort to more advertising if they are going to stay on the air, beginning with Sunday's "45 Minutes!"
This Just In!
This just in: Kirstie Alley has finally finished her breakfast this afternoon.
If He's Ever Caught
If we ever catch Bin Laden, the United States say they will house him here during the week and the Brits can have him on the weekends.
US Handover Completed
Over the weekend, the U.S. completed the Iraqi handover to six different factions, two more than when we came.
They Won't Let Me Be!
One nice touch to President's "Poor Me" speech today was having Linda Ronstadt doing the song in the background.
Most Hope He Quits Doing It!
Approximately two years into his presidency Barack Obama gave his "Poor Me, Nothing I've Done Has Worked" speech.
American Atheist Organization Plans to Burn Holy Books
American Atheists announced plans for "burn a holy book" night. Copies of the Torah, Quran, Christian Bible and other texts will be burned and used to toast marshmallows for a festive event.
President Obama to Burn Koran on Oval Office Rug
President Barack Hussein Obama, frustrated with the media for ignoring his press conference this morning, vowed to regain his momentum by burning a Koran on the new Oval Office carpet this Sunday.
Tiger Stumbling Along Again
Woods struggles again at Cog Hill. Is the man sick or had his energy sapped?
US judge: 'Don't ask, don't tell' unconstitutional! Will have to think about "Don't Tell, Don't Ask".
Castro says he was misinterpreted on Cuban economy. "Look around you. We live in the lap of luxury! We Castros, I mean!"
Really Into Protesting!
Afghans protest Fla. pastor plans to meet NY imam, go have dinner, drive car home, having a good night's sleep.
We're Headed That Way!
Obama says Democratic policies moving US forward. Leaves off "towards bankruptcy".
Just Some Fun!
Former VP Cheney admits he changed sign near Bush desk to "The Buck Snorts Here!".
Can't Keep Blaming Others
Obama says voters may blame him for economy. "The Buck Stops Here" Mr. President.
Missing: 230,000 Centenarians!
Japan missing more than 230K listed centenarians. "We believe many died years ago and someone else got the checks. Either that or they all run away from home."
Thing have just got KoREAL
Another U-turn: Apparently Pastor meant he wants to burn a KorEan all along. Al-Qaeda appeased but Kim Jong Il furious.
Worse Than Koran Burning!
Priest sex abuse linked to 13 suicides in Belgium. Are the offenders still priests?
Fresh Air & Farm Work!
Doctors prescribe 'fresh air and farm work' for patients with depression. "They see what it was like during THE depression!"
Might Be A Clash!
'Army' of police to keep rival groups separate at Ground Zero 9/11 anniversary demonstrations. Now Mayor has requested National Guard on 'Standby'.
Blair: Literary License
Blair accused of stealing lines from The Queen film to put in his memoirs (even screenwriter admits he made them up). "It needed some color, like the Hillary Shooting scene!"
But Still Not Sure
Pastor Terry Jones finally calls off 9/11 Koran-burning at church. Other church pastors still plan on it.
40,000 Police Cuts?
'Christmas for criminals': 40,000 frontline police staff face axe if spending cuts go through, warns union boss. "It'll be a hot Holiday season!"
Vatican Condemns Koran Buring, Video
The Vatican has officially announced that they are against any Koran burnings, plus they know nothing about video "Priests Gone Wild!"
An Offer He Couldn't Refuse?
Non-excited "Price Is Right" contest winner found in the river wearing concrete shoes.
Britain says it no longer needs the Gurkhas anymore and will go to soccer hooligans in an emergency.
"How About It Big Guy?"
Man arrested for making date with 13-year-old over the internet says he knew it was that cute FBI agent all the time.
Making A Sale Not Easy
Lady in charge of perfumes and colognes chasing man half way down the mall trying to spray "Hero's Balls" on him!
New Miss Universe
Three-breasted Venusian the winner of last night's Miss Universe Contest.
According To Jerry Mathers
The Tony Dow index is down again for the 40th year in a row.
Pretty Good Odds
Kentucky horse tracks giving two-to-one odds on legalized gambling by 2012!
Mistake Shuts Down Airport
New York's Kennedy shut down for an hour as guard whispers to his partner to watch these "boobs" & Partner thinks he said "bombs"
Will Be Key Minor League Team!
New York Yankees announce that they have bought all 40 players of the Chicago Cubs and stadium for $60 million.
Some Economic Signs Good?
President Obama says things are looking more promising in US economy. "Well actually, window shopping has jumped 10% this summer."
Haiti: Give Us Time!
Haiti says that with all the book, flag burnings and the fall elections they cannot keep up with specialized voodoo doll orders!
Haiti Can't Take Anymore!
Haiti says it cannot take on anymore people fleeing the United States over the bad economy!
A Sign Of The Times
These are "good times" as we have hired more employees say "For Sale", "Auction" sign makers!
NKorean Astronauts On Mars
North Korea's Kim says his astronauts already reached Mars. May retire there as son takes over.
Police: Mom pulls gun on volleyball team after daughter's squad loses. "We take our volleyball serious around here!"
NYC Posting Cop Army!
NYPD posting 'cop army' near Ground Zero for tomorrow's protests, 9/11 anniversary. Expect a lot of trouble.
Tomorrow may be eventful day as other ministers, protesters plan to burn Korans, citing examples of Bible burnings in past. Overseas US tourists warned to be careful. Fire Departments also warned.
Pastor Terry Jones Challenges Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf to a Cage Match
Pastor Jones, the man behind 'International Burn a Koran Day' issued a challenge to Imam Rauf, the man who wants to build a mosque two blocks away from Ground Zero in Lower Manhattan.
Same Thing I Always Do!
Tennessee pastor plans to burn a Koran on 9-11. "I'm not protesting the mosque at Ground Zero, but what happened there which I do every year."
USDA Knew About Bad Eggs
Report: USDA knew of problems at farm behind egg recall. "We kept planning to go there but then we'd chicken out."
Deadly Side Effects
FDA warns of deadly side effect with imagination drugs. I'm sorry, that should be imaging drugs.
Obama On Economy Mess
Obama says economic recovery 'painfully slow'. "In fact, it has been backing up ever since I put my programs into motion."
JLS condom range for Durex a success.
Pop band JLS have been amazed at the popularity of their JLS (Just Love Safe) range of condoms for Durex.
Apparently they have become a favourite of Wayne Rooney, who thought it stood for 'JUST LIE STILL!'
Saints Go Marching In
Saints grind out 14-9 win over Vikings, go marching in, in opener.
Madame Tussauds wins award.
It's official. As a result of excessive plastic surgery, the wax-work figure of Katie Price at Madame Tussauds has been voted 'more life-like than the real thing'.
Local man detained for stealing while riding a couple of vampires in a supermarket...
...charged with shoplifting on two counts.
Local man arrested for stealing from Blockbuster video....
....STATEMENT "but the girl behind the counter said I could have Batman Forever!"
Piers Morgan thrilled to be taking over from Larry King.
Piers Morgan is looking forward to taking over from Larry King. 'The best bit is that I've been told I can wear suspenders on TV', he said excitedly.
Hackers Hit US! Nothing To Pothole About!
Hackers reportedly broke into computers all over the "Hey Hey! Uncle Fudd, it's so neat to beat your feet in the Mississippi mud! It's a treat to beat your feet in the Mississippi mud!
Whole Economy Ruined
Cuba says that their country is bankrupt after "cash for clunkers" program.
Bedbugs In NYC!
New York City hotel being sued by tourists from Japan. "We move. Bed move during night. Wife bit on ketsu."
Palin In Florida
Sarah Palin to be the next speaker at October Teat Party in Florida! Sorry, that should be "Tea Party".
Lady Gaga Meat Bikini Fuels Jewish Protests
Thousands of Jews have taken to the streets across Israel, with some threatening to attack US bases over Lady Gaga's bikini made of cold cuts.
Toyota's Green Engines
Toyota plant in Australia to build greener engines after getting advice from John Deere!
Gingrich Recommends Moderation
Newt Gingrich urges moderation amid Quran-burning furor. Recommends only burning half.
Politician Showing New Face
Senator Scott Brown showing a more moderate face. "We politicians have several you know?"
Painters, Males Headed For Sit-In!
Artists protest looming cuts to UK culture budget. Nude models to hold sit-in.
Throw More Pots?
Artists protest looming cuts to UK culture budget. Pottery makers ask how they are to make a living throwing pots without government income!
He's Had It Up To Here!
FDA warns of deadly side effect with imaging drugs. "I couldn't crap for two weeks of laxatives", claims one who gained 35 pounds after test.
Koran Burning Over, Back To Abnormal
Obama to take GOP to task on economy, tax cuts. Tea Party to counter about our record debt.
Sit-Coms In 10 Minute Segments
Political candidates ramp up advertising! Several 30-minute sitcoms are now two-part shows!
China demands Japan release detained boat captain. Japan: He doesn't want to go back."
Portable Mosque #2
Paris imam invents portable mosque for better praying. "It's handy on trips and there are still 72 virgins."
Paris imam invents portable mosque for better praying. Claims you get just as many answers.
3-D TV Sets Humdrum!
Study tracks concerns about 3-D TV sets. After novelty wears off, you've shown them off to neighbors, still nothing on worth watching.
Still No Gays In Iran
Moms of US hikers held in Iran get some good news. "They're all gay. We can't have them here."
Foreign Businesses Mad!
Why Foreign Businesses in China Are Getting Mad! Simple solution: Take your jobs back to your home countries who are hurting for jobs.
Feds Issue Travel Alert
Feds. issue travel alert due to Quran burn plan. Also, copycat burnings in US south, Denmark.
Jones To White House?
As Afghans protest, Jones says he won't burn Quran, "maybe have a Near Beer Conference with the President."
Jones To Meet Imam?
Jones: Qurans won't burn if he meets with NYC imam, "face to face to his other face."
FDA Warning #4
FDA warns of deadly side effect with imaging drugs. Especially to heavy drinkers as the colored injections mixes with the alcohol, there goes the old brain, liver & kidneys.
FDA Warning #3
FDA warns of deadly side effect with imaging drugs. "But we have some excellent Kidney Dialysis Machines!"
FDA Warning #2
FDA warns of deadly side effect with imaging drugs. "Pissing blue for three days afterward could harm kidneys."
FDA warns of deadly side effect with imaging drugs. "Injecting dye into your system can actually harm you."
Obama Reassures ..Nobody, Actually
U.S. slips in WEF's competitiveness rankings among nations. President promises that we will not slip down the economy list any further than 153rd.
Come Here Cookie!
Woman held after shooting at Pennsylvania cookie plan. "They called me 'Cookie' for the last time!"
Several Injured During Protest
Eleven Afghans injured in anti-Quran-burning protests! Something ironic about this but I can't quite catch it.
Don't Ask, Don't Tell
Calif judge to stop 'don't ask, don't tell' policy. But don't ask me what he said, because I can't tell you.
that there is no future in time travel research.
Rooney tries to apologise to Coleen, "Save your breath" she says
"You will need it to blow up your next girlfriend"
Studies reveal ignorance is bliss,..
Tony Blair in permanent state of orgasm.
Hotel heiress taken to emergency room following coke sniffing incident ...
...surgeons remove ice cubes stuck in nose.
Chilean miners have been watching the news..
they have asked if they can stay put.
Confused protesters call for a ban on Shampoo...
they want the real thing, allegedly.
Latest thing making head lines....?
New study shows that living is still popular
Despite the cost
'Wayne Rooney has the penis of a 5 year old', declares wife, Coleen.
Police have confirmed that they are questioning Wayne, who was allegedly using it as a key-ring.
'I had S&M sessions with Rooney', claims prostitute
'Before we went up to his hotel suite I asked him if his room had cable',claims Juicy Jeni.
'No, we'll make do with the duct-tape that I use on Coleen', answered Rooney.
Archbishop of Canterbury defends 'same-sex' marriage
'I can't see what all the fuss is about concerning same-sex marriage', says Dr Rowan Williams, Archbishop of Canterbury.
'I've been having same sex with my wife for years.'
Coleen Rooney suspected her marriage to Wayne was in trouble
'I suspected things were not right when he started doing odd things that he hadn't done before', said Coleen.'Like opening the car door for me.....well we were doing 70mph up the M6 at the time!'
National Australia Bank bid blocked again
ACCC head, Graeme Samuel, has blocked NAB's bid for AXA AP for a second time.
Samuel said: "It is important that people focus upon me rather than irrelevant dealings in a supposedly free market."
Sir Isaac Newton discovered gravity in 1665, but never applied to the Crown for a British patent for skiing, skydiving or parachute jumping.
Obama's New Carp Czar
Michigan sues the federal government to keep Asian Carp out of the great lakes. The new Czar is responsible for making sure Obama doesn't step on a Carp when he tries to walk across Lake Michigan!
US Marine commandos stormed a pirate-held cargo ship off Somalia, reclaiming control. They took 9 prisoners without firing a shot in the first boarding raid by the international anti-piracy flotilla.
San Francisco CA Elects Conservative Republican Mayor
The new lesbian mayor won on a political platform of a gun & cell phone in every home, eat lots of fast food, salt & fat, drink all the sugary soft drinks you want, & animals are pets not companions!
White House Garage Sale
President Obama's empty suit was sold, via e-bay, to a Chinese banking consortium for $3 trillion!
Lack of Leadership
Great-grandpa said "the president reminds me of all those 3-piece empty suit managers I reported to for 50 years. These clueless people talked great, but never got their hands dirty doing anything!"
Republicans Seen Carrying O.B.A.M.A Signs
In campaigning for the mid-term Congressional elections Republicans have a new sign that reads:
"Oust Barack's Arrogant Minions, America"
Rice Bowl Interests
Democratic left liberals cite "powerful special interests" are causing US economic problems. Correct, it is the Democratic controlled labor unions, teachers unions, public employees unions & lawyers.
Don't Step in the HOYA
DEMOCRAT: What did you think of President Obama's speech blaming Bush & the Republicans for the economy? REPUBLICAN: It was a lot of HOYA! DEMOCRAT: What? REPUBLICAN: I am too nice to say BULLSHIT!
Whimp in Chief
President Obama personally attacks House Minority Leader Boehner over US economic policy. However, Obama ignores Iran's nuclear weapons program, allowing the Mullahs "to do it to him" over & over!
Snake Oil Salesman
President Obama couldn't balance the USA's checkbook in the last two years. Yet he is asking the American people to trust a Democratic liberal Congress to stop spending in the next two years!
Obama suckered American voters into believing "no tax increases for the middle class."Now Obama is sucking the life out of the middle-class to pay for his liberal left wealth redistribution programs!
Bush Tax Cuts Expiring
Democratic liberal far left still calling for more spending in the 112th Congress. Eliminating the Bush tax cuts adds $700 billion for these loons to further mortgage our grandchildren into serfdom!
More about Bush Tax Cuts Expiring
House Speaker Pelosi calls for more spending in the 112th Congress. I said "eliminating the Bush tax cuts provides $700 billion to reduce next year's deficit," to which she said "ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!"
Still More about Bush Tax Cuts Expiring
Eliminating the Bush tax cuts adds $700 billion for Democratic far left liberals to spend. However, they are now complaining about paying more income & capital gains taxes to support this spending!
Good Will Gesture
President Obama apologizes to US Muslims for proposed Koran burnings. The president promises to send car/suicide bomb making materials to Islamic terrorists in Somalia, Iraq, India and Afghanistan!
Obama's USA Held Hostage by Islamic Terrorists
President Obama apologizes to US Muslims for any Koran burnings. The peaceful Islamic terrorists threaten attacks if Korans are burned in USA, as president takes another vacation.
Why are we there?
President Obama & SecDef Gates order Smurf ball guns issued to all US troops in Iraq & Afghanistan. The US DoD doesn't want the Islamic terrorists, al Qaeda or the Taliban to attack US troops!
The Tires are off the Bus
Islamic terrorists of the world employ the Koran to justify blowing up Muslim school children, oppressing & killing Muslim women, blowing up Mosques/markets & killing infidels (anyone but themselves).
Despicable Actions are Constitutionally Protected
The far left cites US Constitution's free speech right to burn US Flags. But, a far right nut that would burn Qurans is denied this right by the far left! (Burning flags or books is a despicable act.)
When You Have More than One Person Involved
The FL Pastor, FL Imam, SecDef Gates, President Obama, Donald Trump, NYC Imam & the news media are all involved in the NYC Mosque/Koran burning disputes. The Marx Brothers are rolling on the floors!
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