Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 1 September 2010
New England Perfect Weather
Perfect weather sparks New England tourism rebound, unless Earl show his ass at the last minute!
NYC Pissed Over Mosque
NY Muslim groups decry hostile atmosphere. Demand the section around Ground Zero as their own.
So What's Going On In DC?
Hamas leader rejects talks with Israel. So does al-Qaida, Taliban, Iran, Syria, Lebanon, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, etc. Just the PLO, might.
Illegal Immigrant Problem To Settle Itself
Number of illegal immigrants in US now declining as more and more jobs disappear. "By the depression, they'll be 90% gone", states President.
US Forces Still Fighting!
US forces still in fight at end of combat mission. Hence it's not the end of combat mission.
Catching Everyone By Surprise!
Labor Day weekend will see more holiday travelers, AAA says!
A Little Late
Avoid These 5 Major Money Mistakes! Rule #1: Avoid Bernie Madoff!
Paris No Longer Wanted!
Hilton banned from Wynn resorts after Vegas arrest. "That should be punishment enough", say her lawyers.
The Grand Old Tea Party?
Is the tea party becoming the new Grand Old Party? Most think it already has.
Freedoms Flying Away?
'Don't tread on me' flag starts disputes around the country. "The next think you know the US Government will tell us how to hold our peckers to piss."
Another Freedom Gone?
An Arizona man is in trouble with his homeowners' association over flying the Gadsden flag, which features a coiled rattlesnake and the words "Don't Tread on Me." "What now? No freedom to fly a flag?"
Island evacuations start as Earl nears East Coast as Earl might come in Early!
Scientist Reverses Course
Noted anti-global-warming scientist reverses course, asks not to be noted!
Mideast Peace In Our Time!
Obama: Mideast peace moment 'must be seized'. Iran: But they don't exist!
Operation New Dawn
OPERATION NEW DAWN: THE IRAQ WAR GOES ON! Just ask 50,000 soldiers still there.
No To Meeting!
HISS AT BIG SIS: Texas governor turns down meeting with Napolitano. "I'm gonna stay a burr in their saddles!"
Overpopulation Environmental Militant Killed by Police at Discovery Channel Headquarters. Well, We've reduced it by one!
What A Coincidence?
Sarah Palin has somehow found herself in Iowa. "I was going to Florida from New York", she stated, "and I somehow found myself here."
Lobbyists Gearing Up!
Lobbyists all set for influencing fall elections as soon as they come back after Labor Day.
If You Leave, The Leave!
Even Democrats in Washington say that the US policy in Iraq leaves the soldiers left behind there at risk.
Iran's Macho Stand
Iran taking on the finishing touches to their nuclear facilities: "That's right, we're bad!"
Me, I'm Retiring
Paul the Octopus predicts Not only will Brett Favre be in the NFL Hall Of Fame but the Liars Hall Of Fame, Also!
A coroner says a Central California doctor whose decomposing body was found in the chimney of her boyfriend's house died of the flu.
Obama Hurries Speech
Biggest surprise on President's speech last night? When he stated, "Gotta hurry this thing up, we leave on vacation in the morning."
New Findings: Gingko Biloba Doesn't Improve Memory in Elderly! Most couldn't even pronounce it!
Cloning Woolly Mammoth
Japanese Scientists to Clone Woolly Mammoth for Siberian Wildlife Park, ivory tusks.
The Good Time Girls!
Playboy announces that their next issue will feature your neighborhood goo-time girls, from all 50 states!
Convicted Money Launderer
Found guilty by jury, convicted money launderer will have new ten year job in prison doing...Guess what?
Druglords Will Eat These Alive
AZ asks for 3,000 Nat'l Guardsmen; gets 30. "You see how much help you get from the President when you really need it", Says Governor. "We'd rather you sent FEMA"
History Channel Lockdown
Man armed with guns, explosives storms History Channel building. Reportedly yelling, "You're all history!"
History Channel Attack
Man armed with guns, explosives storms History Channel building apparently looking for Hitler!
University Challenge: apology
The kebabs eaten by Ellis Ian and Mrs Fields while viewing the show were a Jamie Oliver recipe, not Nigella Lawson as stated.
EIF apologises for any distress this error may have caused.
Study concludes that some kids are obese from eating munchies after breathing parents second-hand marijuana smoke.
Taliban Recall Ordered
National recall of all Taliban canned products is announced. Could contain opium.
Tony Blair an alcoholic, it's official!
Tony blair has admitted what we all already know he's a "piss artist" and doesn't regret a thing especially thumping the shit out of Iraq and his loving relationship with George Bush!
Can't Believe Anything We Say
Congressional investigators are questioning lawmakers for possibly misspending government funds meant to pay for overseas travel, according to people familiar with the matter, not us at TheSpoof.
GM Down 25%
Government Motors Sales Fall 25% as Economy Crimps Buyers..as does everything else the government takes part in.
Nightmare On Iraqi Street
Tony Blair says he did not foresee Iraq 'nightmare'. How about the Soviet Union 'Nightmare' in Afghanistan?
Had To Balance It Out!
Study: CEOs who axed the most employees in businesses also made the most cash.
That's One Big Egg, Mama!
Federal agents descend on egg farms for 2nd time. This time, at least all the buzzard eggs had been removed.
Sleep-Depraved Teens May Pay a Hefty Price! I'm sorry, that should be "Sleep-Deprived".
Where's The Windmills
Not a light bulb's worth of solar electricity has been produced on the millions of acres set aside for it. Not 1 project to build new solar farms has even started. DC Windbags only talk about it!
Many Still In Iraq
Troops, families glad to hear end to Iraq combat but ask that the 50,000 soldiers still in Iraq know that, and to leave.
Lawyer: Yemeni suspect denies any terror link. "It was all a misunderstanding!"
Where Will Their Pay Come From?
Private sector sheds 10,000 jobs in August, over 37,000 in July. Government is the only ones hiring, it seems.
Tried For Treason?
Sweden reopens WikiLeaks founder rape investigation. WikiLeaks on shit list now for years.
Midwest Recession Fears
Midwest survey suggests major recession fears, real number of unemployed counting those who have given up, at 15-20%!
You Have Convinced Me!
Noted anti-global-warming scientist reverses course after finding all five tires, including, melted.
Israelis Will Get Quick Call
Israel now has a warning system that will calculate where a rocket will hit and send a message to residents' phones. "You're in the target area, DUCK!!"
Key To A Happy Marriage
A recent poll shows that the more ups and downs a marriage has the longer it lasts. So the key to a good marriage is having lots of ups & downs.
Clemens Condemned At Hearing
Congressmen interviewing Roger Clemens about steroids say that he lied earlier during another hearing before them. And, if it's one thing they can't stand, it's a liar!
Obama In New Orleans
President Obama in New Orleans Monday for the fifth anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. "FEMA is on the way!"
Juror Talks About Trial!
Facebook post gets Detroit-area juror in hot water. "I think I'll ignore all the evidence just to be different."
NC farm produces emerald shaped into massive gem! Whole county switches from soybeans to treasure digging.
Says He's 100% Sure, Maybe
Noted anti-global-warming scientist reverses course. Says he's now anti-anti-global-warming, but could change mind again.
"Long Range Indeed!"
Obama opens long-shot talks on Mideast peace. Term 'long range' describes nuclear missiles perfectly.
War In Iraq Continues
Obama: US combat in Iraq over, 'time to turn page'. 50,000 troops say "That's what HE thinks!"
Women On Top!
Workplace Salaries: At Last, Women on Top in places other than brothels.
Supreme Court Bound!
Feds file new Arizona immigration lawsuit, this time to protect illegal workers.
Won't Last Long In Prison
A former Texas football player & petty street dealer who rose to become one of Mexico's most savage assassins says he personally knew the country's top drug lords & shipped cocaine. It's over now.
Judge Rules Against Voters
Florida voters can't strip down Obama health-care bill, judge rules. "Then we'll refuse to pay. See if they can lock up 10 million people", say opponents.
Health Care Strike Coming?
Florida voters can't strip down Obama health-care bill, judge rules. Many now say they won't pay.
Major Tea-Party Win!
Sen. Murkowski's defeat marks major tea party win, according to Dormouse!
Blair says fox-hunting ban was a mistake
at the time they were convinced foxes had WMDs
Juror In Hot Water
Facebook post gets Detroit-area juror in hot water. "And so, Dear Abbey, what do you recommend that I vote?"
You Need Exercise
Exercise cuts genetic obesity risk by 40 percent: study. However, laziness also in same families!
What's Up Doc?
Cops: Kentucky doctor gets stuck in chimney, dies. Apparently he was practicing playing Santa for grandchildren in December.
Huge Emerald Found In Corn Field
An emerald so large it's being compared with the crown jewels of Russian empress Catherine the Great was pulled from a pit near corn rows at a NC farm. People slipping in for night digs being ran off.
Can't Make Up His Mind?
Noted anti-global-warming scientist reverses course on global warming. But now claims it's the global humidity.
Long-Shot Talks Begin On Middle-East
Obama opens long-shot talks on Mideast peace. Meanwhile the short shots are continuing.
Glad We Could Help!
US enters final phase of Iraq war, the leaving of the people to defend themselves in civil war!
Earl Heading Towards NC!
NC vacation island to be cleared as Earl nears, maybe all of east Carolina if Earl gets it into his head to frighten some of the good old boys in the region.
Obesity is not avoidable for all...
... fat bastards can't outrun it.
It's Not Mine!
"People follow me around planting cocaine on me", claims Paris Hilton.
Heavy Drinkers Live Longer?
People abstaining from alcohol have a higher mortality than heavy drinkers. J Smith (550 lbs) had 1 oz of Rye a day, passed away at 47. J Jones (150 lbs) had 1 qt of Rye a day, passed away at 97.
Bug Found in NYC Building
A 30 ton bedbug crawled out of the site where a Mosque is to be built at "Ground Zero." Mayor Bloomberg called for calm, asking Christians, Jews & Muslims to come together bearing spray cans of Raid!
You Have Rights to Compensation
Have you or a loved one been infected with Obamaitis, through no fault of your own? Call the legislative offices of Boehner and McConnell at 1-800-GOP-VOTE for a free consultation about compensation.
House Speaker Pelosi wants to get our troops out of Afghanistan by July 2011. The American public wants to get Speaker Pelosi out of the US House by January 2011.
Hurricane Biden reported to have stalled off of Cuba because of a foot-in-mouth obstruction. Sorry that is, Hurricane Biden has stalled off of Cuba because of turbulence in the eye.
A Job Well Done
A major thrust of President Obama's speech from the Oval Office and at Ft. Bliss TX was to honor the service of U.S. troops and civilian workers in Iraq. Hoorah!
The New Iraqi Government
Presidential Press Secretary Gibbs said President Obama hopes that any new Iraqi government will model itself after his administration. A loud "oh shit we blew it" was heard from former VP Cheney!
Secretary of Obama's Defense
Presidential Press Secretary Gibbs says he cannot foresee a circumstance where the US would have to send combat troops back to Iraq. A loud "oh shit who is this bozo" was heard from former VP Cheney!
President Obama, while on vacation, driving his golf cart was told by the Secret Service to take a right at the club house. The president replied "you mean my other left!"
Fortune 500 company CEO's agree that if President Obama were part of their management team, he would be part of the first wave of junior executive layoffs during the current recession!
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