Spoof news snippets from Friday 8 October 2010
Obama calls on China to free latest Nobel laureate Clem Kadiddlehopper! Then warns his whole staff about practical jokes on his message board.
Bank Of Amerca Halts Foreclosures
Bank of America halts foreclosure sales in 50 states. "We'll think it over some more before halting those in other states", says CEO.
Doesn't Need Any Help
Canadian PM Stephen Harper on Friday said he is confident the global economy, while fragile, is headed in the right direction and he sees no need for further stimulus to bolster Canada's bankruptcy.
French To Strike
French upper house lawmakers approved on Friday a controversial plan to raise the retirement age, as unions planned open-ended mooning and nationwide strikes against the measure.
Chinese Dissident Wins Nobel Peace Prize
Dissident wins Nobel Peace Prize, enraging China like a bull in a ...well, you know.
Another Rat Leaves Sinking Ship
Still another Obama appointment leaves Washington. Obama's Spin Doctor says he's returning to private practice for big business.
Viagra, Levitra discourage men from eating a Mr. Softee Ice Cream for dessert during evening meal.
Love The Left Coast
New Poll: California the #1 Place Americans Would Like to Live, Especially Marijuana Smokers.
Kim's Son Starting To Take Over NKorea
Kim's son, the new Korean leader, shows up to meet foreign ambassadors wearing T-Shirt with "That's Right, Wee Bod!"
Taliban Was Better?
Afghans Complain Current Government, Except For Ass Whippings & Stoning People To Death, Worse Than Taliban!
Takes Double Hit!
Teen voice of Dora The Explorer claims she was cheated out of millions by Nickelodeon, Cheating Nigerians!
Nuclear Deterrent Stays
We're keeping Trident: Cameron risks Lib Dem anger as he insists nuclear deterrent stays. "If you wish to be blown to bits, travel over to Iraq!"
Take It Off!
Pregnant Muslim ordered to remove her veil in court because magistrates can't see her face. Magistrates say they're just setting the stage for next 2 weeks of accused strippers.
You're On Your Own!
Britain: As another freezing winter looms, council hands out 2,000 spades to residents and tells them: 'Dig yourselves out
when it snows'...'But not before.'
Working Together For A Bitter Tomorrow!
An agreement being negotiated by the UK and France would see British nuclear warheads serviced by French scientists. Five scientists from Iran also offer to help.
Some Positive News At Last!
OFFICIAL: USA could absorb a terror attack and bounce back & blow away half of earth's other countries!
Heard It All Before!
President accused of exaggerating terror threat for political gain. Just like George Bush. Before that, it was 'They will take away your social security/they will tax you to death.'
Bad As Clintons & Chinese!
Pres. Barack Obama blasted opposition fund-raisers at a campaign rally Thursday, charging that they solicited foreign donations & pumped the millions of dollars they received into congressional races.
RASMUSSEN: 63% Angry at Policies of Federal Government; 43% Very Angry! 22% Meet Campaigning Politicians At Door With A Thrown Shoe!
People Angry At Fed Policies
RASMUSSEN: 63% Angry at Policies of Federal Government; 43% Very Angry. 2% chewed off their own foot!
Biden On Campagne Trail
Biden: 'You're the dullest audience I've ever spoken to. I SAID...oh go back to sleep.'
An Arizona man who had previously allowed 2 people to suck his blood was stabbed today after refusing the duo's demand to repeat the bizarre act. "The guy looks like a 200 yr. old Barry Goldwater."
Bridge To NoMare!
Massachusetts spending $4.6 Million for little used horse bridge; $92,000 per horse. Can we say "Payback For Vote"?
California's Slight Miscalculation
CA miscalculated pollution levels 'by 340%' to toughen state's 'clean air' standards. Claims dog ate original estimation so they had to pull one 'out of the air'.
59% Of Americans Say Palin Unqualified To Be President
However, 41% rating still higher than either George Bush or Barack Obama.
No More Sugar?
California Governor Schwarzenegger proposes bill to outlaw sugar completely. Sourpuss not expected to be re-elected.
We Need To Stay Vigilante Against Terrorism!
Terrorist Threat due to rise over next few weeks as it does before every election since 911.
GOP Rams GOP
Accident overnight as a boat of Swift Boat Veterans accidentally rams into Tea Party throwing copies of Obama health plan into harbor. Everyone agrees to blame John Kerry.
72,000 stimulus checks sent to dead people!
So expect a really scary Halloween as all 72,000 have been cashed!
Red Lobster Doing Great
Red Lobster Restaurants still growing and doing well according to latest report. Company credits changing it's name from "Dead Lobster" back in the late 1980s.
Debates Getting Rough
According to new survey, most of the political debates this year begin with the words "Yo Mamma"!
An associate of Jerry Brown calls Meg Whitman a "whore" over pension reform. Then claims that he didn't know what the word meant.
Commonwealth games Wind Assisted Records Disallowed
The World Games Federation, in response to the number of swimmers getting Dehli Belly at the Commonwealth Games, have announced that any wind assisted records will be disallowed.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
John Lennon Fingerprints Taken
FBI seizes John Lennon fingerprints before auction. Yoko demands he be immediately reburied.
NYC Cracks Down On Food Stamps
New York seeks to ban sugary drinks, lottery tickets from food stamp buys.
Drugs, People To Be Higher
Data firm sees 2011 drug sales rising 5-7 percent. However, illegal drugs at all-time 'high'!
Some Drug Prices Increase
Data firm sees 2011 drug sales rising 5-7 percent, illegal drugs will remain a current levels.
More Americans Hobbled
CDC: More American adults hobbled by arthritis, two-foot penises from ads.
Scientists Reveal New Guina Finds
Scientists see new bugs, frogs, Bigfoot, Elvis in Papua New Guinea.
Japan Offers Stimulus!
Japan's Cabinet OKs $61 billion economic stimulus. Cuts Godzilla Defense Funding!
Top Political Insult Thus Far?
The number one insult in 2010 political circles? "You supported Obama!"
Elections Heat Up!
Insult time, face to face, in campaign's debates. Goes from 'playing fast & loose with the facts' to 'Lying Sack Of Shit!"
Biden Still Embarrassing Obama
Democrats see glimmers of hope in election gloom. Advised by Joe Biden to clap hands three times. "That's how we saved Tinkerbell as a kid", he tells reporters.
Obama Defends Program
US spending on Afghan security contractors slammed as it is passed on to Al-Qaida. "Money will be worth very little soon anyway", say Obama.
Arisona Sheriff Backs Deputy
Sheriff's office: Shirt backs up deputy's story although liberal judge says he made it up. "A poor old drug warlord wouldn't do such a thing."
Judge Orders Pledge
Miss. judge again asks courtroom to say pledge "just to thin out the weasels".
NJ gov. scraps long-planned NJ-NY railroad tunnel. "It's either that or school children lunch program", he tells reporters.
Brazil Likely to Elect First Woman President
Brazilian representatives encourage Taliban to do the same.
Just A Slight Delay
Nepal Peace Process Delayed, Says UN. "But not past 2050", adds young optimist.
100 Days Without A Budget
California lawmakers debate budget through night. "We may have to cut the "Artsy Fartsy Bill".
It's Flat Alright!
Employment seen flat in September. "Most of us 'flat on our asses' claims one unemployed guy at liquor store.
Over 52? Then you're probably grumpy! Grumpy sues, names Happy as attorney.
Say We're Grumpy
Over 52? Then you're probably grumpy say stupid idiots in London! The very nerve!
Holding Our Own!
AP Interview: Calderon sees a drug war success, although amount of drugs being shipped into US still the same.
Sludge In Hungary Mostly Poison
Greenpeace: high arsenic, mercury levels in sludge, but on the positive side, they found traces of pure water here and there.
Greenpeace: high arsenic, mercury levels in sludge. Danube pollution could be bad for those using it for bathing, drinking water.
On The Plus Side
Economy likely creating some jobs, but not enough. Especially for more bill collectors, bankruptcy lawyers.
Cheryl Cole And Simon Cowell Not Seeing Eye To Eye
Because she's 5'3" and he's 5'5" Sinitta doesn't give a shit either way.
Mexico: US wavers in drug war with Calif. pot vote. "You want the drugs or don't you?"
No Yoga #3
Southern Baptist leader on yoga: Not Christianity. "Better to do a slow Scat or Funky Chicken Coming Home To Roost!", says Jeremiah Wright.
No Yoga #2
Southern Baptist leader on yoga: Not Christianity. "Better to shake you booty in front of husband at bedtime."
Southern Baptist leader on yoga: Not Christianity. "Better to do 'the Monkey, Slow Twist".
Have You Seen These Men?
Culprits identified in worldwide honeybee die-off. "One is a Chester Paladin and the other, George Beekiller.
Angle: Muslim law taking hold in parts of US. "While campaigning I was beaten on the as by rods."
Glimmer of Hope
Democrats see glimmers of hope in election gloom and doom and the predictions of Nastradamas, Edgar Cayce.
The American Nightmare
Republican leader says American dream under siege. "It's turned into a nightmare the past two years", says Romney!
Same Round Head With Flat Spot
NKorean official confirms Kim Jong Un as leader. Apparently doesn't like cartoons but old Westerns.
"What's HE Done?
Chinese Dissident Liu Xiaobo Wins the Nobel Peace Prize. President Obama pissed.
Commonwealth Games: Pool Blamed For Delhi Illness
"We told them: 'Don't drink the water.' But did they listen? Nooooooo!" said a Games spokesman.
Classified Ad #1
For Sale: Copies of the Script Album, and clearly not any tiny Romanian immigrants wrapped in a box. Honest. Send details for N. Sarkozy. £10 ono
Brown disqualified from Delhi 100 metres
Disgraced former Uk Prime Minister Gordon Brown has been eliminated from the 100 metres track event at the main stadium. He unusually appeared in the starting lineup only to be escorted from the venue
Pentagon officials evoke Quentin Tarantino
Defense Secretary Gates, General Petraeus on U.S. military employing Afghan warlords: "Somebody's stickin' a red hot poker up our asses, and it turns out the Taliban's name's on the handle."
The Yanks aren't coming, coming over, over there
Senate investigation determines U.S. military employed Taliban insurgents as security guards in Afghanistan. Seems Washington never runs out of new ways to ship even more American jobs overseas.
Just like in the movies
After Victor Perez rescues abducted California child, California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger calls him a "true action hero." Naked Perez drops from sky, replies, "Your clothes. Give them to me, now!"
Obama's Chicken Shit Policies
OSHA & the EPA are writing new regulations for waste ammonia gas emissions in chicken houses. Don't you feel so much safer that the Obama administration has their hands on this chicken shit problem?
US Housing Market in Trouble
President Obama will not sign legislation making it difficult for homeowners to challenge unjustified foreclosure actions. Apparently the Chinese bank holding the mortgage on the White House called!
What Palestinian-Israeli Conflict WJ Clinton?
A Pakistani Sufi shrine was a target of homicide bombers killing 42 Muslims. Islamic militant hard line interpretations of Islam allow no room for the mystical Sufi practices common in Sunni Pakistan!
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