Spoof news snippets from Thursday 7 October 2010
Punked By Bigfoot!
Captured Bigfoot in Canada admits that they are the ones spooking us with the UFO's. They're actually the last of once flourishing earth Wookies.
Simply Amazing! What Next?
New online chat rooms possible in 2011 where you actually hear the person's voice right there in your own home. Also rings to let you know your new friend is calling you.
Unmentionable Congress Gets $20,000 More
Congress apparently voted itself a $20,000 raise right before recess we hear this morning. "For most of us, it was for severance pay", states one who asked that his name not be mentioned.
Best Chicken Wings In The US
Buffalo, New York has the best chicken wings in the nation according to a new food guide. Who would have thought?
Saudi Swimmer Drowns at Arab Games
A female swimmer in the 200 yard breast stroke drowned today at the Arab Games when her Burka became waterlogged and she sank.
Half Inflated Sex Dolls Made Illegal
A new law bans people from having half inflated rubber sex dolls. A Government spokesman said the law was to stop paedophiles have half inflated, half-size sex dolls.
Aleksandr Orlov Didn't Die Sniffing Widdicome's Knickers
Aleksandr Orlov is alive! We understand that it was a look-alike meerkat who succombed to the stench of the Widdicome whities which we described in an earlier report.
First it was a pussy that was thrown in a wheelie bin, now someone's cock has been thrown in one. The two incidents are not connected.
A New Commonwealth Games Stroke
12 British swimmers took part in what is called "The NEW Delhi Belly Flop"
Obama Family Vacations!
Those Obama family vacations are #21 on the list of nation's costliest expensive for 2010. Right behind Congress and Senate vacations.
Wouldn't Take Long
Some parents say they WOULD pick vegetables if migrants were sent home. Typical remark: "I'd pick all the veggies my kids would eat."
We've Been There, Heard That
According to poll, 75% of voters may not vote next month. Both Democrats and Republicans refuse to swallow that old chestnut.
US Prez Jealous!
Israel gives notice that they will not give up houses on the West Bank. "President Obama simply jealous of our being able to sell houses here", says Netanyahu.
Deutsche U Boat surfaces on the Northern Canal, UK, is this WWIII?
A German U boat surfaced on the Northern Canal, UK today and gave many unemployed, very pissed anglers a heart attack, they thought WWIII had started, damn Krauts!
"Two Will Do!"
Don't expect us to pay benefits for unlimited babies, says minister - big families won't be supported on welfare as "Two Will Do" policy set to begin.
The Bedbug Astoria
Bedbugs Strike at WALDORF ASTORIA. Keep customers up all night. Makes their salad taste different.
Indian Minister Mrs. Dikshit thinks New Zealand is "crap"!
Delhi minister Mrs Dikshit branded New Zealand a bunch of racists and full of "crap" and they agreed. The Maoris didn't and have bombarded Indian take-aways with buckets of real dickshit!
Micky D's Workers Screwed Again
MCDONALD'S, 29 other firms get ObamaCare waivers. Wally World may be next. That's a lot of voters, Mr. President.
Condoms Clog Drains
Condoms clog Commonwealth Games village drains fittingly as Games pretty much screwed up!
Blumenthal, McMahon two-face off in second debate. Sorry, that should be 'to face off'.
GM Recalls 4,000 Cadillacs
Government Motors recalls 4,000 Cadillac SRXs over power steering as steering wheel sometimes comes off in your hands which 'might possibly create a problem.'
Pay The Piper
Everyone hates the deficit - but likes the spending. Love the alcohol but hate the hangovers.
Gang that held up Universal Bank in Trenton, New Jersey tracked down after one of them loses his theft ring.
Physician Caught Doctoring
Physician in Little Rock, Arkansas accused of doctoring his patient's medical records to double his money.
MICHELLE Obama NAMED 'WORLD'S MOST POWERFUL WOMAN'! Oprah Winfrey tickled to death over event...or so she says while breaking a tooth.
Other Countries Still Using Deep-Sea Drilling
Cuba, Bahamas push ahead with offshore oil plans while the US still sits on the barbwire fence.
Less Pay For The Shoppers
Tax-Table Delays May Dent Paychecks just in time for holiday spending. Meanwhile congress still took vacation...many hope for good in November.
Scientists found that a decline in the Sun's activity did not lead as expected to a cooling of the Earth, a surprise finding that has contributed still more egg on their face.
Hurricane Predictions Blown!
FORECASTERS BLOW IT For Third Straight year: Despite dire predictions, hurricane season remains benign for USA. Weather Channel go back into reruns.
Fear Only Fear Itself
Greenspan: FEAR undermines America's recovery. That and Obama spending 13 trillion dollars.
Sludge On Drudge
The Drudge Report claims that the Sludge Report from Hungary isn't telling the whole truth.
Ricci Hides Nurse?
Christina Ricci hides her nurse in Broadway debut. I'm sorry, that should be her 'nerves'.
Drug Sales To Increase
Data firm sees 2011 drug sales rising 5-7 percent, alcohol over 10 percent due to bad economy.
Ban On Sugary Drinks
NY seeks to ban sugary drinks from food stamp buys. Meantime, low attendance casinos say that they are welcome there.
Facebook offers new way to sort friends, copy info, hound unpopular teens to death.
"Yeah, They Hit A Tree!"
Russian spacecraft damaged during transportation according to shade tree rocket mechanic.
Hangnail Patients Disagree
Scientists see new never-before seen bugs, frogs in Papua New Guinea. However, group on medical marijuana in California say they're pretty common in their homes there. Just hard to get hold of.
New Noble Prize Winner
Mario Vargas Llosa wins Nobel literature prize, once again edging out our Skoob.
Food Stamp Crackdown #2
NY seeks to ban sugary drinks from food stamp buys. Also sweet pickles.
Food Stamp Crackdown!
NY seeks to ban sugary drinks from food stamp buys. Also use of legal tender for prostitutes.
Economy Has Ups & Downs
Suburbs take hit as US poverty climbs in downturn over uphill battle for those at the bottom of the scale.
After Campaigns, Plans A Vacation
Obama to campaign in Maryland, Illinois! Michelle's mother apparently still running White House!
Will Be Strictly Enforced
NY seeks to ban sugary drinks from food stamp buys but OK's purchases of unsweetened drinks, sugar.
Anti-Bully Laws Needed!
New Mexico senator calls for anti-bully law after suicide. He suddenly appears in a midst at Senate Building during a conference.
Tech Brings Stress
Poll: Technology connects students, brings stress. "Much harder to pass math exam when you've just received a call that your girlfriend is pregnant", says one.
Two New Languages Discovered
Undocumented language found hidden in India. Another on old episodes of "Taxi" TV show with actor Andy Kaufman.
Tougher On Immigration
U.S. deports record number of illegal immigrants in 2010. Thus far the numbers are over 100.
Eating Everything In It's Path
Hungry red sludge spill has reached Danube: MTI. I'm sorry, that should be Hungary!
Talks Not Serious?
Palestinian sees no serious talks with Netanyahu. Israeli leader asked not to bring whoopee cushions, seltzer bottle by Sec of State Clinton.
NATO eyes Pakistan supply resumption after apology after accidentally killing hundreds of civilians. "Our bad", states UN Secretary.
Warmup pool blamed for sick swimmers at Commonwealth Games.
Coleman's Death An Accident
Police have confirmed that "Diff'rent Strokes" actor Gary Coleman's death has been ruled an accident.Thus ruining all the wild stories planned by the tabloids.
Yoga Not Christian?
Southern Baptist leader on yoga: Not Christianity. The same goes for Christmas trees for that matter.
Hopeful This Time
AP sources: All hopeful Mideast talks can go on and on and on and on.
Too Many Chiefs?
Taliban commander, 7 others killed in NATO attack. That's the 208th Commander this year.
Tornadoes In Arizona
4 tornadoes tear across N. Arizona, damage homes! Blame placed on illegal immigrants.
Just Discovered Indian Language
Undocumented language found hidden in India. "Never heard it before man hit thumb with hammer", states male at near-by village.
New India Language Discovered
Undocumented language found hidden in India. "We don't know if we're being cursed or praised", stated visiting scientist.
World's Longest Tunnel
Swiss inch toward world's longest train tunnel. "This Tunnel of Love would allow old husbands with Viagra time to make love!", says foreman.
Sludge Reaches Danube
Hungary: Toxic red sludge has reached the Danube River. "All we can say is lookout below!", says Hungarian authority! The Waltz has turned into a Turkey Trot!"
U.S. backs Afghan reconciliation, no comment on talks. Hope that 50 warring groups will unite against us so we can leave.
Food Stamp Party?
Gingrich brands Democrats 'party of food stamps'. Heart shrinks to two times as small once again.
Bieber To Host Show
Justin Bieber To Host MTV's New Punk'd. Bieber just noses out Leonard Cohen.
Unemployment Extension Rally
Unemployment Extension and Tier 5 Update: 30 Million Unemployed Voters Fight for Extension of benefits Until Retirement!
Police in several major US cities announce plans to disband their homicide & robbery details. Manpower is now available full time to pursue people who use cell phones & text while driving automobiles!
Unexplained Bali, India, Somalia, Uganda, Iraq and Afghanistan Attacks
Former President Clinton said solving the Israeli-Palestinian conflict would take away much of the motivation for terrorism around the world. He's been smoking marijuana again and inhaling this time!
NASA to Launch Environmentalist Rocket to Mars
A manned Mars expedition in 2011 will take a large number of environmentalists. USA industry can then build power plants, transmission lines, roads & railroads without having to go to court!
How to Reduce Spending and Pork
Obama, Pelosi & Reid have too much debt from overspending! Do your Congressmen have $1 trillion or $2 trillion even $3 trillion in deficits? Let TeaParty.Com help, by kicking their ass out of office!
Foot-in-Mouth Disease Strikes VP Biden Again
VP Biden tells Ohio crowd "If I hear one more Republican tell me about balancing the budget, I am going to strangle them." Knowing and doing are two different things Mr. Vice President!
President Obama had to send the First Lady out to work, to speak at a Democratic Party rally. The White House budget is a little short this month by $3 trillion!
New Scary Movie
Michael Moore is planning a remake of the 1957 movie The Abominable Snowman (Hammer Film Productions, UK). The new horror film is to be called the Obamable Snow-Job Man, set in Washington DC!
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