Spoof news snippets from Sunday 31 October 2010
NY Warns Cheese Heads
New York Giants advise Green Bay Packer Cheese Head Fans to New York. "We cannot be responsible for reaction of millions of rats.
Letting Him Down Easy
Obama voters two years ago now against having him as our president. "He's overqualified", say Democrats.
To Be Called 'Telephone'!
New invention ready that will actually allow you to HEAR the person you're talking to in another country, not just words spelled out on a screen.
Money Won't Help
Guy who started huge pyramid scheme, making millions, lost somewhere in the the Sahara Desert!
Birdseye Heaven Has Blip!
Ted Williams body accidentally thawed and refrozen after power failure. Family says that if he's brought back alive one day, he will look sort of vague.
This Is The Big One!
President Obama has his last political rally at the Electoral College!
Israeli Jews Tired Of Jews Votong Against Israeli Interests
Israeli Jews at odds with liberal brethren in US. "They're a bunch of schmucks! GOP supports us!
No Free Rides
Contraception could be free under health care law? NOTHING is free under new health care law. Everybody pays for it.
UK Adopts American Food Labelling
The UK government will be requiring new food labels that are more specific. Products will now be labeled, "no fat", "low fat", "reduced fat " and "fat, but with a great personality."
Bad Headline Number 70
Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan.
DC Rally Important
At Saturday Rally in Washington, DC, most had no idea why they were there. So someone started "The Wave" that lasted an hour. Then "The Macarena" went for another two hours. Fun time for all.
O.J. Has His Say
O.J. Simpson says that at least in prison you get free meals, free shelter and free clothing. Kind of like it was when you were a kid.
The Bush Book #2
Bush: We had this Hispanic bully at school. He was always calling me "pinata!"
The Bush Book
In new book, George Bush admits that he had only two friends and that they were imaginary. Also, both of them used to mock him.
New Love Tax in the Offing !
The Zimbabwe government has decided to put a ten percent tax per kiss on couples found kissing.It is to be deducted from their salary.Special spy cameras are being installed everywhere.
Italian police block the Vatican to prevent a march in Rome on Sunday by survivors of clergy sex abuse from reaching St. Peter's Square. Ten thousand former choir boys say they expected it.
Strange DC Rally
Stewart knocks media, political class at D.C. rally. "I'm probably the worse of the lot", he confesses. Breaks down in tears.
Terrorist Attempt Fails
The secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano discusses the terrorist bombing attempt. "It was a Terrorist bombing attempt." Reporters disappointed!
He's A Strange One!
San Francisco couple want to know why their son, at 18, is not yet smoking pot!
New Google Search
Google launches it's new strip-search engine January first.
Contains Several Homes
Benton, Arkansas, headquarters of WalMart is turned into one big super-dooper WalMart.
Obama Loses It!
President loses it on final day of campaigning for Tuesday's elections. Tells unemployed "Get off your ass and get to work!"
Grandpa's Last Wish
Grandfather says that before he dies, he's like to see one more episode of "Gunsmoke".
Michelle's Mother About First Dog
Michelle Obama's mother says Water dog a kidney covered with dog hair. "I know now why they are called Water dogs. They water everything."
Who's Your daddy?
Judge in Little Piddle, Arkansas usually declares accused "Guilty until proven wealthy!"
Deal Or Punt!
Deal or Punt Decision on Bush Tax Cuts Is Obama's decision. "He needs to shit or get off the campaign trial", says Senator.
Generation Gap Divides Troops on Gays in Military as older troops have larger gaps.
Not Real Popular Right Now, Sir
A major cereal company has denied President Obama's request to have his picture shooting baskets on it's boxes.
Check Here For The Latest
Taliban hold secret talks with Afghan president. I'm sorry, TheSpoof had agreed to keep that a secret.
Where's The Fun Anymore
Climbers of Mount Everest disappointed to find a Starbucks there, filled with hikers.
Obama: Not Funny
Friends of President Obama angry comedian why he didn't wear his flight suit for interview after Prez says his appointment 'doing a heck of a job".
Bear Wallow In Recession Depression
Mayor of Bear Wallow, Kentucky says town going down fast during recession. "One day all that they will say about our town is that a bear once wallowed there."
"I've Outlived Them All"
Old woman at nursing home who claimed she had outlived all her enemies in TV interview has heart attack as they bring in 94-year-old she had forgotten.
Slimeball Receives Award
Local politician angry over "Slimeball of the Year" Award until he learns that it includes $50,000 prize money.
Glee Club Somber
Glee Club at Bear Wallow, Kentucky broke up during the 1930's depression beginning to look shaky once again.
The factory that builds many GPS systems has disappeared, says the FBI. "This looks suspicious.", states spokesman.
Betty? You Can Call Me Al!
Women in Tennessee, Kentucky and North Carolina tired of Al Gore's pick-up line: "I'm harder than my statue at Madam Tussauds Museum."
Dick Cheney Pans "Saw 3D"
Gives movie two severed detainee thumbs down.
Called Us Humans!
Signing gorilla says that he had an image of Charles Darwin's head in his crap before he threw it.
Hoffa's Location Gone Forever
Old dying mobster says boss made them eat Jimmy Hoffa. If we didn't, we too would be in a world of shit.
However, They Spit Like Crazy
San Francisco Giants accuse Texas Rangers hired someone to put itch powder in jocks. Couldn't scratch before large TV audience but fidgeting cost them the game.
No Million Monkey March
Million monkey march in the spring by PETA canceled after 50 used in a trial run. Promise to clean up act.
White Color Suit
White collar workers launch large lawsuit against most laundry detergents for false advertising.
Lowering The Maximum Wage?
Obama may raise minimum wage law, introduce maximum wage law! Fast Food says they will have to lay off workers but Top Bosses will leave on their own.
Ford's Indoor Game Not Good Either
Newly discovered Nixon White House tapes show that Gerald Ford often hit people while putting golf balls into a cup on the floor.
Ford Owed Pardon To Nixon
Newly released Richard Nixon tapes show that Gerald Ford stepped on Nixon's toe so much (With lots of colorful language)that he had to pardon Nixon later.
Million Man March
Old Maids say they are planning a million man march early next year. Hire kidnappers.
Comments From DC Rally
Everyone at Washington DC rally yesterday says that it's a good thing to laugh at others every once in awhile.
New Obama Bill
President Obama introduces a new bill to do away with glass ceilings at the workplace.
The Latest Thing
Teens going to 'saucer lips' as latest thing to ears stapled to their heads.
75% Sure Thing
The price of gasoline could go back up in the future says MENSA of Arkansas.
Flu Shoots Are Ready!
Foot-In-Mouth VP Joe Biden says US has plenty of flu shots this winter and the stupid flu probably won't even shop up!"
Hole In Plane
Hole found in plane that took off from Miami. Discovered by man in long line to bathroom.
Hickenlooper Films His Last
Filmmaker George Hickenlooper dies in Denver. No I didn't make that name up", says reporter Keptinpecker.
Stewart: DC Already Has Clowns Here. Over 300!
Signs at Stewart/Colbert rally show Republicans with Hitler mustaches. Rally Sign: 'I masturbate to Christine O'Donnell'. All should really help their candidates.
Dems Want New President In 2012?
SHOCK POLL: 47% of Dems want primary opponent for Obama. Their favorite: Anybody!
Yes We Can Argue!
President argues with hecklers for nearly 3 minutes at latest rally.
CIA Wakes Up
Authorities say discovered bombs were set to explode over Western cities in massive mid-air 'spectaculars'.
Escaping The Death Tax
Congresswoman: Estate tax hike has some planning death before Dec. 31, headed for Oregon.
Browns At It Again
Mangini, Browns weigh options at quarterback. Same as past ten years.
Favre To Start?
Report: Favre expects to start against Patriots but may look like a mummy.
White House Cancels Blowout!
White House: could be more mail, overhead and underground bombs.
Vietnam To Get Second Nuclear Power Plant
Japan, Vietnam agree on rare earths, nuclear power there. Something else for Stewart to laugh at.
London To Look 'Empty'?
Will UK's cuts force poor families out of London? Could be a lot of empty buildings left as there aren't many not poor, just as in US
US Will Help End Sexual Slavery
Clinton: US will help end sexual slavery. I can teach being cold to many in new book, "It Takes An Iceberg".
Still Life With Brains!
Artist's study of island brings the dead to life. "I've always heard of this", says man with posing zombie.
Seltzer Water Cools Elections
In election's shadow, rally draws laughs, but not as many as political jokers running for office?
Lola Over Lula
Brazil votes for new president to succeed Lula as many call for Lola! La-la-la-Lola!
Haiti Blames Others
Protesters blame UN base for cholera in Haiti. "Couldn't possibly came from us in pristine conditions here."
Oil Affected Sea Life?
Scientists to see if oil spill hurt deep sea life, such as is left of it.
Tricks Come Tuesday?
No tricks, big treat: a White House Halloween. "Thank you Mr. Obama. Sorry my folks hate you."
Obamas Using Candy Treats
No tricks, big treat: a White House Halloween as they will receive much candy with note: "Talk to your parents about Tuesday. Plenty more candy if you do."
Will Probably Sway Votes
Israeli Jews at odds with liberal brethren in US. "Why vote against your home country?
Israeli Jews May Change Votes
Israeli Jews at odds with liberal brethren in US as Obama goes from mosque to mosque on overseas visits.
Smelled Like Giants Home Games
In election's shadow, rally draws laughs, activism, pot, munchies!
Laugh All The Way To The Bankruptcy
In election's shadow, rally draws laughs, activism, Dem Candidates, unemployed!
Rahm It Down Their Throats?
Poll: Dems split over handing Obama '12 nomination. May nominate Rahm so that GOP rival will 'retire' from the race, like in Chicago.
Dems Are Split
Poll: Dems split over handing Obama '12 nomination, bringing back that pantsuit lady.
Land Of Few Toilets
India: Land of many cell phones, fewer toilets. "This is Ineel. Have you seen any toilets?"
Stewart Condemns Political Attacks & Calls GOP A**holes!
Stewart knocks media, political class at D.C. rally but doesn't explain his own attacks.
Many Confused Over Rally
Stewart knocks media, political class at D.C. rally for whatever whenever.
"I Won! I Won! I Won!"
Soft-spoken 18-year-old American wins Miss World suddenly becomes much louder!
Clinton Against Sex Slavery
Clinton: US will help end sexual slavery. "I call for salt peter to be placed in all fast foods."
Clinton Speaks Out Against Sexual Slavery
Clinton: US will help end sexual slavery, beginning with my husband.
Obama Ending Second Year of Campaining!
Obama hits Northeast, Midwest to stem GOP tide although many local candidate ask him to go away.
Obama Popping Up Everywhere To Insure Loses
Obama using taxpayer's money hits Northeast, Midwest to stem GOP tide. But HE's the one whose losing it for them.
Yemen Manhunt #2
Mail bomb investigators push on with Yemen manhunt. Authorities instruct officers, "Ye men spread out and check everyone."
Mail bomb investigators push on with Yemen manhunt but change to woman hunt after first arrest.
Honduras most dangerous place on the planet to play "footie"!
Hondurian footie players don't only have their boots and balls whilst playing footie, they also have revolvers stuck down their shorts and the trainer a kalashnikov in his hands, it's murder!
Iranian President Ahmadinejad says the imposed UN/US sanctions are not hurting his country. However, every Iranian will only be able to shower and change underwear once per month until further notice!
After November 2, 2010 all those paid "Horses Asses" who did political commercials will go back to doing TV commercials again!
What a Politically Correct Country?
An American citizen needs a driver's license to purchase an alcoholic drink, but an illegal immigrant can vote without showing a driver's license!
US Postal Service Business Up
USPS is encouraging 320 million Americans to ship a big box of "dog shit" to al-Qaeda in Yemen without any postage charges!
A Big Bang Theory
Presidential Press Secretary Gibbs announced today that 25 US nuclear tipped missiles have disappeared along with the country of Yemen.
President Obama and blue state Democratic liberal left governors help small business' "go-out-of-business" by invoking Obamacare taxes and additional business taxes, respectively!
That Famous Pose!
Voter asks President Obama why he always looked like he smelled dog shit on someones shoes.
Sounds Like Former VP
Mrs. Dick Cheney says that during rare tornado there, her husband strapped himself to a big rock and hurled insults at it!
Bear Attacks Increase
After bear attacks last week, authorities say "instead of throwing a can of beer at them, why not throw a can of whoopass and see if it opens it up?"
It's A Problem This Time
Two dys before election day and polls say most people have yet to make up their minds which candidates they hate the least.
No Wonder Men Are Nuts
Woman takes 30 minutes to do make-up before going to work so that she'll look like she has no make-up on.
Arkansas Man Gets Bargain
Powerful new night scope for rifle pays for itself in deer meat the very first time out.
Judge Thomas Not To Rule
Supreme Court Justice Thomas recuses himself from their ruling on just what is pornography!
A Supreme Decision
U. S. Supreme Court rules 19 to 12 in favor of legalizing marijuana nationwide!
Who Shot Prez In The Face A Mystery
Just to piss off Dick Cheney, President Obama names the entire state of Wyoming a Nation State Park!
That's A Savings Minus!
President Obama says his ObamaCare Program would save seniors a full 50% off the 1000% mark-up price on prescription drugs.
Station Broken Into
The International Space Station was broken into once again, according to NASA. Only thing taken was the piss to water machine.
A New Record?
Beauty shop on Main street near liquor store marks "471 Days Without A Car Driving Through Our Window".
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