Spoof news snippets from Thursday 28 October 2010
Dementia Risk Higher In Smokers
Huge Rise in Dementia Risk for Midlife Smokers! 'Actually, we couldn't have had too many smarts to take it up to begin with', says one.
Danno Leaves Life's Stage
Actor who played Danno on 'Hawaii Five-O' in in Da'boneyard-o!
Gays Take Longer To Vote!
Poll workers say that gays take longer to vote since they refuse to vote a straight Democrat or Republican ticket.
Obama Tripping Off To India
Economics to override politics during Obama's visit to India as many tell President "Bring our jobs back!"
Best State For retirement!
The 10 Best States For Retirement! Number One: Completely smashed, because you'll never be able to retire!
Great Goggling Going 'Gain
Gabby geeks gather to giggle over gadgets and gamer goodies!
It's That Old BUSH Again!
Dems say employment worse because many do not want to work for worthless dollars that BUSH printed.
French: Lot Of Garbage!
French officials say there has been no major strike there, that the whole thing was a lot of garbage!
Madoff Still A Favorite
Prison authorities say that many people still want to invest with Bernie Madoff. "Most of us made money!", says one caller.
That's A Downer!
Economy experts say that the Forbes 500 probably the next to go belly up!
Two More Volcanos Blow!
Russia's Kamchatka volcanoes spew giant ash clouds. With so many volcano eruptions this year, will they bring on global cooling?
Burke & Hare Bears
Russia's hungry bears dig up graves for food. Stuffed Burke & Hare Bears may be hit of Holiday Season!
Granny Got His Gooner!
A feisty 88-year-old Kentucky woman said she must have had perfect aim when she fought off an intruder by kicking him. "I got him in the gooner. Hope they swell till they pop!"
Paul Funeral Planned
Paul, the late soccer psychic octopus, to be buried at sea!
Paul Knew Too Much!
World Cup soccer's psychic octopus dies! Rahm's opponent in Chicago 'drops out'. What did Paul know & what really happened to the psychicpus?
GM Pensions Cut?
General Motors says it will cut $11B in debt, pension obligations in order not to layoff anymore workers. Pensioners eying strikers in France!
Bugs Take Manhattan, Then They'll Take Berlin!
Bedbugs Try to Take Over the World, Spotted at UN building in NYC. Cockroach wants nukes fired right away!
Taxpayors Gave Teachers Plastic Surgery
Taxpayers covered $9 million in cosmetic surgery for NY teachers and they're all still ugly as a mud fence!
Dems Elected The Wrong Person
Bill Clinton's 'retribution tour' against Barack Obama. Clinton especially thanking those who voted for his wife against Obama.
Politicians Hire PIs To Look For Own Dirt
Politicians use PIs to unearth their own skeletons. "If they can't find any, my opponent won't", says anonymous politician.
Rahm Victorious #2
RAHM VICTORIOUS: Top Opponent Suddenly Drops Out Of Mayor's Race As Kneecaps No Longer Able To Support Him!
Rahm's Opponent Suddenly Drops Out!
RAHM VICTORIOUS: Top Opponent Suddenly Drops Out Of Mayor's Race in Chicago as he was made an offer he couldn't refuse.
Washington DC Blamed For Economic Mess!
POLL: 65% Would Vote to Replace Entire Congress, 55% would change the President, VP and the Senate!
President Dude, My Man!
Should Jon Stewart Have Called President Obama 'Dude?' Poll shows 55% would have called him left off the 'e'.
New Bush Book
BOOK: Bush Originally Thought Military Shot Down PA Plane On 9/11. It wasn't until later that he learned what heroes aboard the plane had done.
Traffic Jam Nostalgia!
Another long car jam in China brings a tear to those here in California as they remember when people had jobs and those things happened here.
A previous unknown grope takes credit for the NYC Subway attacks this morning.
Oxford Warns Of Fees Funding Gap
"We suggested Next or River Island, but if we don't sort it soon, it'll be bloody Gap Kids and Baby Gap," said source.
Six Water Companies Miss Leak Targets
Due to spelling error: have been growing sprouts, cabbages, beans and peas.
Fresh BBC Strikes Announced
"Yeah, the old ones were getting a bit stale," says union spokesman.
Judges Getting Tough
Benefits cheat who stole £50,000 escapes jail - and is given 106 YEARS to pay back the money. "I might get a little behind the first 25 years", he tells judge. Judge adds on another 44 years!
No Apple Bobbing?
Officials said a 'high velocity impact with an apple' had the potential to cause serious eye injury while unclean water could lead to infection or blindness. Admit this hasn't happened before.
China After Bernanke #2
China Urges Bernanke: Stop Printing Dollars! "Oh no, cheap dollars for your cheapo products!"
China After Bernanke
China Urges Bernanke: Stop Printing Dollars! Apparently Bernanke can't hear over presses going full steam!
Ads Turning More Negative!
Poll: Political Ads Turn More Negative. "My opponent makes Bernie Madoff look like a saint!"
Dem Explains Obama Remark
RI Dem Qualifies Telling Obama to 'Shove It'. "Only after some Ky-Jelly, of course."
Obama Speaks Bush!
Obama Echoes Bush's Katrina Gaffe: (On Economy) "Larry Summers did a heck of a job!"
Nation Can't Afford More Debt?
Boehner: 'No Compromise' on Stopping Obamacare! We need to destroy it before it destroys us.
Election Day Near
Election day nears. California may legalize pot. Detroit to legalize throwing things at football players.
Last Second Decision
Election Day is less than a week away. Ralph Nader says he may yet form a third party. Told that Presidential election two years away. "Then I'm not too late?"
From Tank To "Tank"
North Carolina Marine commander relieved of duty over charges of speeding and drunken driving in tank.
Narrowing It Down
Portrait of LA mummy emerges: Woman whose body found in car held 2 master's degrees, once worked for LA schools, Owned two cats and hated pickles.
Gore A Bore!
Gore leaves car idling for one hour during speech; Opts for Swedish government jet over public transportation. Throws gum wrapper on grass.
Obama No Fun
Obama cracks few jokes in 'Daily Show' interview. Won't quit campaigning.
Mohammed Top British Name
Mohammed is the most popular name for newborn boys -- in England! Second is Skoob.
NJ Guv Kills Tunnel
NJ governor cites dollars, cents in killing tunnel. "Too much to dig up right now!"
SPY AWAY: Feds end GOOGLE probe; Data breach investigation dropped by FTC. Guy who was peeking into your bedroom window has been released.
German Economy Improving
German Unemployment Dips to 18-Year Low. Why isn't that happening in the US?
Keith Richards is immortal, that's a fact!
Keith richards has divulged his secrets about his near immortality, he said in his new book "no f*****g sex, plenty of booze, drugs and rock and roll man!" The book carries a health warning!
Swift Advises Kids
Taylor Swift tells kids: Read for a better life so you can learn others.
'Vertical Farm' envisions tall future for farming but rough one for tractor sales.
Mariah Carey announces she's pregnant! "If not, I sure am fat!"
Candidates Use Kids!
Candidates use children to make final pitch. Holding family pets as last resort.
Nissan Recall This Time!
Nissan reveals glitch and issues its third largest recall ever. That makes 50% of all cars made in the past 10 years.
Either Went Busted Or Moved
Rich Americans feel better off vs year-ago: Merrill. "Of course there are only 10% left."
Obama Publicity Getting Out Of Hand
Obama makes Historic appearance on 'The History Channel'. "Shows him kicking Hitler's ass all over Europe."
GOP Changed By Tea Party
The party crashers: Behind the new Republican revival. "It's not going to be the same old thing when Tea Party arrives!
Puting On The Blitz!
Heavy makeup, dark eyes prompt Putin speculation as he claims it's from visiting volcano eruptions!
BBC journalists and Fire brigade to stage strikes on November 5.
Lots of people will die, but we wont get to hear about it.
Two volcanoes erupt at the same time in Russia. The worst ones since Krushchev's shoe-banging episode at the UN in the 1960's!
BBC journalists also to stage strike on November 5 in a row over pensions.
So, will there be no one at work, anywhere that night?
West Ham Shock
West Ham United have decided to only play in Cup Games for the rest of the season.
Paul the Octopus's Dying Words
"Prepare to fire the..INK!"
Obama Everywhere #6
Obama makes historic appearance on the mound at World Series. Helps coach make decision to call in reliever.
Summit Making Progress
Hopes for treaty rise at UN biodiversity summit that would pay poor countries not to eat rare animals.
M16: Spies Needed Now More Than Ever
MI6 chief says spying crucial to stop Iran nuclear drive. Any real-life James Bond, please step forward."
No Designated Driver Needed
Driverless vans could really help bars attenders as it could take drive everyone home safely.
Giants' Fan Recalls the Shaky '89 World Series
"Earthquake jarred us into a lower deck, better view. However, those in the best seats wound up on the playing field."
Driverless Van Travels Bridge To Nowhere
Driverless vans end 8,000-mile test drive to China. Should help countries save on fuel.
Serves Him Right
Heavy makeup, dark eyes prompt Putin speculation as Putin has been giving Russia a black eye for some time.
Somebody Making Sense?
Saudi prince backs moving planned NYC mosque. "It would be a constant image of hatred for many Americans."
Tuition To Jump Again
College tuition costs climbing again this fall. Will selling drugs on the side be enough to cover them?
Protesters Getting Tired
French protest again on pensions but fatigue weighs. More 'Lie-Ins" expected.
Hippy Movement Back?
Foreclosure activity up across most US metro areas. Many considering sharing homes with other families.
Where Are People Going?
Foreclosure activity up across most US metro areas. From every 4th house to every 3rd house.
Are texting and Facebook worse than TV?
Are texting and Facebook worse for teens than TV? Certainly. They couldn't carry TV around 24 hours a day.
Are texting and Facebook worse Than TV?
Are texting and Facebook worse for teens than TV? Only if the teens usually talk to their TVs.
Obama Everywhere #4
Obama makes historic appearance on "Dancing With The Stars". Can't explain why.
Obama Everywhere #3
President to show up on NFL Pre-Game shows Sunday. Show his ignorance about football as well as politics.
Obama Everywhere #2
Obama makes historic appearance on 'Sesame Street'. Hopes to show how he can help Dem political puppets.
They're Voting Against YOU!
Obama makes historic appearance on 'Daily Show'. Some DEM candidates ask him to go away.
Obama makes historic appearance on 'Daily Show' but every time anyone sees and hears him, his approval ratings drop.
Early Images Of Humans
Very early photographic images of humans discovered., many of them on French postcards.
Economy Still On The Ropes
AP survey: Painfully slow economic gains into 2011 hoped for but no guarantees.
US Marine Pulls Out of Afghan Hound
'He shouldn't have been in there in the first place' says Bang Ki-Moon.
Tea Party Wakes Up and Smells the Coffee
Paul has last laugh
"See I told you Paul was dead" claimed ex Beatle Paul McCartney after hearing news that the mighty mollusc from the FIFA World Cup had expired. "Listen to our songs next time" he added ruefully.
Paul pulls off a trick
Paul the Octupus has been found alive and well in the waters
off Miami, Florida. Apparently his faked death was an insurance scam and the mighty mollusc is absolutely rolling in cash.Well,well,well.
Paul is not dead
In breaking news, Paul the Octupus has been spotted alive in waters off Ibisa, near Spain. He was in the company of Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton. Apparently, Paul was freed by grateful Spanish fans.
Pixar to Remake Gone With the Wind Using Animation
Pixar announced a remake of the classic Gone With the Wind 3D animation. This will be their first attempt at an adult movie with an R rating. Rhett Butler's voice will be played by George Clooney.
Elvis Spotted in North Dakota Snow Drift
Elvis the cow of farmer John was trapped in a snow drift in this season's first blizzard. Farmer John was arrested the Division of Cow services for neglect.
Hotel Guests Leaving
Hotel guests check out early where Charlie was screaming most of the night. Word is now out that the bed bugs really bite hard there.
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