Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 26 October 2010
But Mum's The Word
Mon and Pop Stores now will sell you a hot babe National Geographic from under the counter!
Number 50 Coming Up
Boyfriend promises that he'll never do that again...and seven times seven is a sure promise.
Got One Reaction
Nurse that gave paralyzed man from his waist down says he's not completely paralyzed.
"Oh, They Like That, They Do!"
Local man knows just about everything about women but never seen on a date.
Cheney's Shooting Victim
Man who Dick Cheney shot in the face four years ago stated that the former VP never apologized. Most of the country say much the same.
Octopuses Garden In The Shade
Sir Paul McCartney says he had nothing to do with psychic octopus, "Paul". Though I did hate them mixing us up. I hate water."
Violent Offenders To Court
'Violent offenders should ALWAYS go before courts' country's top judge warns. 'Provided they are caught of course.'
Workshy Get Ready!
75% of incapacity claimants are fit to work: Tough new benefits test weeds out the workshy. Better break a leg or something.
It's A Gas!
Man on all-spud diet regretting 60-day goal, runs everybody off after switching to sweet potatoes.
Featured Writer nomination causes elation in Fields' house
Excited over the accolades presented to her husband, Mrs. Fields (spouse of TheSpoof.com featured writer, Ellis Ian Fields) declares: "My cookie-baking days are now over, Mister Shakespeare!"
Like Old Times!
Ironically, ObamaCare could well come to an end in a smoke-filled room!
Government Motors To Be Sold?
The government gives up, will probably sell General Motors to Tonka Toys!
Charity Giving Down
Charitable Giving Down 11% in 2009! SURE! Now that we're on the receiving end!
Christine O'Donnell Reveals her Halloween Costume
Amid speculation she'd go as a witch this Halloween, O'Donnell revealed, she'd dress up as a politician. "No one will guess who she is," quipped a warlock.
Karzai Asks Iran for Handout
The ever-obliging Ahmadinejad offered 34 left-handed males, 13 right-handed females, 55 right-handed mixed and 89 gays, assorted.
Iran Paying For Favors
Afghan President Rails Against America in Diatribe! Hints that further outbursts could come with more bags of money from Iran.
Obama Cites 'Creator' 4X Since Reporter Asked WH About Omission Last Week And Lightning Hit WH.
Supreme Court To Decide Close, Cheated Ones?
Voter Joyce Ferrara said when they went to vote for Republican Sharron Angle, her Democratic opponent, Sen. Harry Reid's name was already checked. May ask for criminal charges.
PROTESTER STOMPED AT KY DEBATE! "Some people talk with their feet" not clearly understood that it meant going to vote!
Obama Approval 37%
SHOCK POLL: OBAMA HITS 37 APPROVAL! At this rate he'll set records of Bush & Carter.
Well, I Thought It Over
Prospect of adding a full inch where it counts causes local man to change his mind about stem cell research.
Should Have Unplugged Toaster!
Home prices weaken across the country. Also, a lot of house fires!!
Celine Dion Names Twins Bert & Ernie
Celine,says she and Rene argued over names.He wanted Miss Piggy & Rizzo the Rat.Dion had to remind him that her name was Miss Piggy."C'est la vie",sighed Rene.
Paul (RIP) the world cup octopus has died "sus-fishily"!
Paul the world cup octopus who tipped many of the games correctly has died under very "fishy" circumstances, it seems that the Chinese Mafia poisoned him with dodgy caviar, "fish balls!"
Lady GaGa takes over as most popular person on U tube, replacing Hitler!
Lady GaGa has jack-booted Hitler off of the Nr 1 spot on U tube, Hitler held the position for many years, but Lady has now taken over. Adolf fans are sure he will be back, Sieg Heil!
Kid Eats Cigar Butt
Man stands and watches lady's child eat a cigar stub while she gossips with friend. Thinks: "Bet he'll never take up smoking."
There It Is! Your People Are Inside!
Visiting Liberian student in Bear Wallow, Kentucky shown county library.
Scream In The Dark
Father creeping into dark room to kiss sleeping five-year-old son goodnight, gives the kid nightmares for the rest of his life after stepping on leggo castle & breaking toe on bed leg.
Church Of Jedi Wages War On The Spoof
May The Farce Be With Us.
Mad As A Tooth Fairy
Tooth Fairy mad as beeep! and lets it be known after getting tangled up in dream catcher.
Dollar Drops Again!
U.S. Dollar losing value again Indian wampum, beads!
It's The UN At Last!
Man in Butte, Montana thinks something may be up as he saw several tanks in the downtown area.
Eddie's Having Another Sale!
Crazy Eddie's Furniture Store has his 100th Going Out Of Business Sale!
Eskimos Have More Than Words
Eskimos have 80 words for snow and 95 versions of an ass-kicking to the next one who asks.
Small Village May Move
Small village in Peru say they are tired of bogus tabloid's saying there are two-headed babies, Siamese triplets, Elvis in their area.
Hospital 101: Hospitals are a great opportunity to pick up house shoes, watches and expensive rings while other patients sleep. Be sure to take a really big laundry bag.
Sorry, Too Old!
Model's resume says that she still looks great and still weighs only 115 at 32 years of age. "I know I'm an old woman but I look 24!"
Ky. Man Let Down
Cement mixer in Bear Wallow, Kentucky man says that both Levitra and Viagra have let him down. Fixing to try his own invention.
UK Recovery "Faster Than Expected."
Yup - missed it!
Paul, The Psychic Octopus Dies
One source reports that the Vatican are said to keeping a phial of his ink just in case he is made a Saint. Another source says..."B..b..but they've already got one St. Paul!"
Aquarium Releases Last Words of Paul the Ironic Octopus
'So long, suckers!'
He Just Didn't See It Coming!
Paul, the Psychic octopus has finally kicked the bucket! Apparently he died of natural causes. Many conspiracy theories think otherwise. Some say Al Qaeda are to blame.
What's Wrong In DC?
Poll: What's wrong with Washington? It's the people in charge, not the system. The system has worked for over 220 years.
Chicago Windy Today
High wind warning issued for Chicago as region braces for one of the strongest storms since Joe Jackson's shoes blew away in 1919.
Volcano Ready To Blow?
Scientist says Indonesia's most volatile volcano has started to erupt. Indonesians wonder which plague is next.
Paid To Condemn America!
Afghan President Rails Against America in Diatribe...admits receiving 'bags of money' from Iran.
Jerry Brown Says He Lied First Time as Guv.
FLASHBACK: Jerry Brown on His First Stint as Governor: 'It's All a Lie... I Didn't Have a Plan for California'. I was a little spaced-out!
History Repeating Itself?
Bernanke Asset Purchases Risk Unleashing '1970s Jimmy Carter Inflation'!
Obama Gas Higher!
Gas higher under Obama as witnesses claim it can lift him two inches above his chair during beer conferences.
Cuba: Taxes 50%
Cuba self-employed to pay taxes up to 50%. See, socialism works. Cuban society so much better off.
Gas Higher Under Obama
Gas prices have risen $1.01 per gallon since Obama took office. Holding back drilling making us pay more and giving it to Middle East oil producers.
OBAMA In Speech: REPUBLICANS 'GOTTA SIT IN THE BACK'
A Politician Cheating? Surely Not
DEM DEBATE CHEAT: Candidate got messages during debate with rival in Florida election.
None So Far!
Bible.com investor sues company for lack of prophet!
NY Yanks Making Choices
Out of playoffs, Yankees now face big decisions on which top players they can buy from other teams.
Harley-Davidson Museum to pay tribute to vets!
Especially those vets that take special care of 'hogs'.
Workers On Study Ask For More Time!
Study reveals risky sex behavior among NYC teens...many in Central Park.
Stocks Down Everywhere
World stocks lower as earnings disappoint. Just like disappointment in Obama claim many. How many in US will be seen next Tuesday!
Sestak's TV ad likens dog poop to US economic mess. Dogs object.
Even Invents New Cabinets
Obama appoints record number of native American officials.
Delay Trial Finally Ready
Jury selection to start in much delayed DeLay corruption trial!
Obama Scrambling For Votes
Obama appoints record number of gay officials. Also, illegal aliens.
Cell Phones In Pockets Health Hazard?
Is Putting a Cell Phone in Your Pocket a Health Risk Even Though It Gives Your Privates A Buzz?
Leaking False Information
U.S. says did not under-report Iraq civilian deaths. WikiLeaks are wrong.
Both Parties Court The Hippocrite Vote
Obama touts job creation and may give social security a $250 bonus after no raises for 2 years as midterm elections near.
Becks targeted by North Koreans
North Korea has threatened to kidnap David Beckham if that's what it takes to win the next football World Cup. The reclusive state will stop at nothing to attain its goal (ha!). Becks beware my son.
Paul The Octopus Is Dead #2
Paul the 'psychic' World Cup octopus dead: aquarium. Poisoned by his enemies?
Paul The Octopus Is Dead
Paul the 'psychic' World Cup octopus dead: aquarium. Color guard funeral with eight rifle firings later in the week.
Big Nissan Breakthrough
Nissan introduces luxury hybrid, Infinity M doubles mileage to 10 MPG.
Sharing E-Health Records
Push for better ways to share e-health records as docs need to know "What's Up?"
No Health Linkage
Push for better ways to share e-health records as two doctors could be prescribing opposite meds.
Report: Iraq, Afghanistan Most Corrupt
Report: Iraq, Afghanistan among most corrupt. Maybe we should have sent in missionaries instead of troops.
When Would Missile Go Up, Where Would It Come Down?
Iran begins inserting fuel into nuclear plant core. Israel begins fine-tuning computer hacking.
Can't Get A Break
Indonesian volcano rumbles as lava pressure builds..right after cyclone, earthquake and tsunami.
Sounds Pretty Wild
Wash. case raises alcoholic energy drink with worm in the bottom, concerns.
Feds approve largest-ever solar project in Calif. only 50 years after they have been talking about it.
"I Think Gay Thoughts Sometimes!"
Obama appoints record number of gay officials just before election time.
Phones In Pocket #2
Is Putting a Cell Phone in Your Pocket a Health Risk? Not unless your ring tone is Richard Simmons!
Phones In Pockets
Is Putting a Cell Phone in Your Pocket a Health Risk? Or does it only make people think you're glad to see them?
The Politicians All Get Friendlier At Polling Time!
Obama appoints record number of gay officials. Condemns bullying. So do we all and that goes for politics.
Romo breaks collarbone, Favre has stress fracture, NFL teams coming down to last man standing?
Banks Warned Over Self-Indulgent Bonuses
"Nah, you wouldn't want me to 'ave to send ve boyz rahnd, would yer?" Warns Vince.
No Justice in Fat City
Obama administration says adult Americans are too fat or even obese. But if you tell a person they are fat/obese, either the ACLU or the Justice Department will sue you for civil rights violations!
A San Francisco CA man thought he was taking Viagra, but it was actually Botox. Doctors have been trying to repair stress fractures before the entire structure breaks apart!
Obama, Pelosi, & Reid's Bag of Taxpayer Funded Useless Goodies
US unemployment rate & low Democratic poll numbers reflect Democrat's $810 billion stimulus spending failure. Republican political ads feature this spending failure, while Democratic ads are silent!
Quote Without Comment
Rhode Island's Democratic gubernatorial candidate tells Obama he can "take his endorsement & really shove it!" Obama's non-endorsement is seen as an endorsement for the liberal GOP challenger.
President Didn't Ask, So No One Told
President Obama tells NYT he discovered belatedly "there's no such thing as shovel-ready projects." Why didn't the president ask anybody in the US Government or corporations who manage programs?
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