Spoof news snippets from Saturday 23 October 2010
Clegg On The Offensive Over Cuts
"F*** you m***er***ing C***s... you're all $"***ing *&&^^*S!!! What a bunch a f***** m********* *&%%55!!! Why don't you all just ^&$££"" %^^&((? Thank you.
Biodiversity Talks Hit Problems
Lions refuse to meet wildebeest hunting limit demands ... krill boycott whales summit.
G20 Summit Agrees IMF Reforms
Irish Mouse Feelers say: "What's it got to do with you? Bugger off!"
Charity Warns Over Child Drinkers
"They'd as soon give you a smack in the mouth as give you 50p!"
Blue Plaque For Lennon-Ono Home
Dentists completely baffled.
UFO Outside London
Unified Flying Object runs short of fuel outside London. Alien asks some tri-colored teens there to take him to their liter.
Not Used To Not Getting His Way!
A New American Revolution? Anti-establishment Tea Party is on the brink of election victories that could leave Obama a lame duck. Michelle says he may quack up.
Drivers beware, traffic wardens have now gone undercover, often cuting you off in traffic, giving you the finger.
Keep Plans To Yourself
Why putting your holiday plans on Facebook is an invitation to crooks, warning to your relatives that you're coming.
Tired Of Them Making Fun Of Us!
Stop spending so much, furious Cameron tells EU as it demands 6 per cent budget increase. Asks for a new tax on spoofing!
Useless Teacher Fired
The first teacher banned for life for being useless. The first one caught that is.
U.S. to sell $60billion in military weaponry to Saudi Arabia to protect against Iran, Israel.
Ecuadorean Wins Siesta Championship #2
62-year-old Ecuadorean snores his way to victory in Spain's first siesta championship. Last opponent left found to be dead.
Ecuadorean Wins Siesta Championship!
62-year-old Ecuadorean snores his way to victory in Spain's first siesta championship. Will learn of good news as soon as he wakes up!
Budget crises in Europe: France, U.K. get serious. With 10% unemployment here, crises will be in US next!
Obama Pushes Reid
President Obama sells Harry Reid to Las Vegas voters, along with 15% unemployment.
Hitler Could Have Used These Guys
WikiLeaks concludes that many pro-US Iraqi citizens probably needed blowing up, beheadings.
Wiki Acts Of Treason, Helping Enemy
Iraq war leaks: No US investigation of many abuses. Both Taliban and al-Qaida badly mistreated by brutal US soldiers, says traiter.
Lawsuit Launched Over Lawsuit
Lawsuit seeks to revive deepwater drilling ban. "Let Cuba do it and we'll buy it on credit from them!"
Hillary Asks For Help
Hillary Clinton: Help Me change diplomacy with technology. Some kind of message board like the President keeps looking at while he's speaking.
Answer That One!!
Q&A: What the U.S. Undid for Women in Iraq, they needs to go back and undoed it.
TeachMeet Kentucky conference draws 250 educators and learners!
Meth Lab U.
Suspected meth lab found in Georgetown Univ. dorm, science class.
Obama: Consumers lose if financial law repealed, especially me!
Jane Had Help
Academic: Jane Austen had helping hand from editor, especially on "Prided & Prejudicious".
Here's Your Minumum Wage Check
More working families getting government food aid. Bosses giving out checks asking if they want fries with that.
Weak Divided Nation
Leaked Iraq war files portray weak, divided nation being helped by a stronger divided nation.
Thatcher to Remain in Hospital Forever
Her son, Sir Mark, says she feels better with each passing day and as such he feels it would be cruel to return her home.
Bacteria Stored In Shower Heads
Showerheads may be key storage for bacteria and is dangerous to some, but French women say that strong perfume completely destroys it.
Ball Lightning Rough
New book out about Michael Jackson says his continued high voice caused by being struck by ball lightning as an 8-year-old.
Commercial Sex Workers???
REPORT: First lady 'likely' to meet 'commercial sex workers' in India! Just like Bill Clinton in his eight years in the White House.
Johnston In Bad Shape
Levi Johnston unsure if he's with Democrats or GOP.....has diarrhea or going blind!
Peter Rabbit Announces Cast Of Hobbit?
Peter Rabbit announces 'Hoppit' cast. Sorry, that should be Peter Jackson announces Hobbit cast.
FOX Got Williams
Gone from NPR, Williams begins bigger role on Fox. "Being fired by NPR the highest recommendation for FOX", says Williams.
British comedian Russell Brand and American pop singer Katy Perry were married Saturday in a traditional Hindu wedding ceremony, with calf as flower girl.
Former Dallas Cowboys and University of Georgia quarterback Quincy Carter has been arrested on a battery charge. Claims he was just charging his battery.
Aging Wealthy Yanks Lose
Aging high-salaried Yankees have host of issues to deal with baseball and social security cuts under Obama.
Travel In France Down
Strikes hurt travel for France's school holidays. Many youths say rioting more fun, anyway.
Nessie Fools HMS Astute
HMS Astute runs aground in Scotland. Claim they were lured there by Nessie.
Nuclear Sub Freed
Grounded UK nuclear submarine towed free of giant Octopus as Paul intercedes.
Dubai Crash Should Warn Others
Dubai: Real Estate Crash Sends Prices, Rents, Faces of Government Falling!
Far-right parties oppose EU membership for Turkey claiming they are left of the far-left.
WikiLeaks Sells Out?
Iraqi PM: WikiLeaks release politically timed. Hired by Iran?
"Tapir Man" A Reject
New superhero "Tapir Man" by Stan Lee rejected by new owners of Marvel who call it the ugliest one yet and accuse Lee of not trying.
Mud Only Helps
Republican Party women running for office say they don't mind the mud thrown at them by opponents because they're not wearing bras.
Monkey/Typewriters Fail Again
Room full of monkeys once again write nothing about Shakespeare's work. Instead they use writing paper for holding poo during fights.
Barrel Of Monkeys
A new study has shown that an actually barrel of monkeys would tear your face off with no humor at all.
But That Was 3 Hours Ago!
In a NASA survey of astronauts, their first big surprise in space was not looking back at the earth but how long one fart can last in the cabin.
Leading Journalist Claims That Thespoof.com Is Better Than Wikileeks
A leading journalist who cannot be named, claims that Thespoof.com is far more reliable and true than Wikileeks.
Spoofwriter is convinced that Mark Lowton is spitting image
An unnamed Spoofwriter is convinced that Mark Lowton is Formula One racing driver, Sebastian Vettel. Upon telephoning TheSpoof Office this morning there was no answer. Makes you think doesn't it?
Submarine to Be Renamed
The Royal Navy is to rename its £1.2 billion nuclear submarine, HMS Astute to HMS Myopia after it collided with a sand bank near the Isle of Skye today.
3 pork eating people die as tortured piggies seek revenge
Eating pork can be deadly, hepatitis E is spreading amongst pork eaters! Tortured piggies are on the warpath because they only want to be happy piggies and not treated like holocaust victims!
You Are What You Eat
New study reveals that you really are what you eat. So if you are obese, they recommend getting rid of all pigs feet in the refrigerator.
Young Texas doctor who is a gas specialist says that he is not stopping until he's known as "The Fart Specialist To The Stars!"
US Borrowing More?
Treasury's Geithner to meet with China's Vice Premier to discuss 'important bilateral economic matters' Hit them up for another loan.
GOP candidate Stephen Broden stunned his party Thursday, saying he would not rule out violent overthrow of government if elections did not produce a change in leadership. "We're losing our country."
Up To Usual Tricks
GOP spending $200 billion on campaign ads...Democrats Back Third Parties to Siphon Votes...Average American screwed again.
Woman Has Dead Passenger
Woman drove for months with dead body in passenger seat. "She allowed me to use the fast lane."
Woman Drives With Dead Body In Car
Woman drove for months with dead body in passenger seat. "Thought she was mad at me."
138th Bank Closes!
Feds shut 6 banks in FL, GA, IL, KS; 138 bank failures this year. Record since the Depression.
Reid Defends Extravagance
Harry Reid defends million-dollar RITZ-CARLTON condo. "Everybody else is doing it!"
Las Vegas Unemployment At 15%
Las Vegas: Record 15% Unemployment. Another feather in the hat for Harry Reid.
Obama Critically Wounded
Reid loss would leave Obama 'politically wounded'. Might not win the Nobel Prize for Hypocrisy this coming year!
See If He's Still Moving
Dem pollster: Reid's campaign close but 'underwhelming'.
Reid Seems To Be Moving
OBAMA: 'Harry doesn't move real quick'...but may still dodge a bullet!
Lohan Comeback On Hold..Thank Goodness!
Judge's rehab ruling keeps Lohan comeback on hold, the poor innocent kid!
Levi Johnson, Politician
Levi Johnston unsure if he's with Democrats or GOP. "What's a GOP?"
That's A "No-No!"
Williams: NPR was looking for reason to fire him. "I made the mistake of criticizing President."
Diabetes Could Triple In 40 Years
Number of diabetic Americans could triple by 2050 say candy and children cereal companies.
Thought They Only Looked Into Space
Astronomers say they've found oldest galaxy so far. Original Ford came out in 1959, but this could be a 1958 trial model.
Not The Best Choice Of Sites
US envoy: Climate deal still possible in Mexico if we could stop dodging bullets long enough to talk it over.
Healthe Insurers Play Both Sides
Health insurers help GOP after dalliance with Dems as "you never know which side will win".
Obama Finishes Minnesota Campaign
Obama ends 4-day campaign swing in Minneapolis. Going back to Washington to rest and govern the country for awhile.
Williams Gets New Job
Gone from NPR, Williams begins bigger role on Fox. "NPR blocks free speech for all who disagree with them."
Massive Japanese Grave On Iwo Jima
Bodies, mass graves found on Iwo Jima. WikiLeaks say US most likely the killers of these soldiers.
Texas First Time In World Series
Rangers down Yanks to reach first World Series. Point out that it had only taken 50 years, not 100 like Cubs.
Both Parties 'Peddling!'
Obama accuses Republicans of peddling "snake oil". GOP accuses of peddling socialism!
"WikiLeaks" Arnold #2
WikiLeaks data shows U.S. failed to probe Iraqi abuses. Hard to probe when people dying on the battlefield.
WikiLeaks data shows U.S. failed to probe Iraqi abuses. Probably too busy fighting a war for their country.
Yanks Can't Buy Pennant
Yankees' bid for No. 28 ends with Lone Star loss despite tow of their players earning more than whole Texas team!
More Obama "Successes"?
7 banks closed in Fla., Ga., Ill., Kan., Ariz. as Obama avoiding any talk about these weekly events.
Obama Tourts His Stock Market "Success"
Obama trumpets Wall St. overhaul in weekly address. No one knows why with stocks dropping steadily.
California Sharks Attacking
Friend: Waves turned red with blood after attack of shark on friend. California filled with sharks in ocean, political sharks on land.
Working Families Getting Food Aid
More working families getting government food aid since many have taken minimum wage jobs. "Whole country falling apart", say family that lost their home.
Quaid's In Canada
Randy Quaid, wife seek refugee status in Canada. US immediatel approves. "You can have them."
Dubai Real Estate Prices Falling
Dubai: Real Estate Crash Sends Prices, Rents, World's Tallest Building Falling.
Obama Warns Voters #3
President Barack Obama is warning voters that Republicans seeking control of Congress would roll back his hard-won Wall Street overhaul bill and ruining our economy!
Obama Warns Voters #2
President Barack Obama is warning voters that Republicans seeking control of Congress would roll back his hard-won Wall Street overhaul bill and give people jobs!
Obama Warning Voters
President Barack Obama is warning voters that Republicans seeking control of Congress would roll back his hard-won Wall Street overhaul bill & keep me from running up debt further.
Juan Williams to star in remake of The Godfather Part II
News analyst, Juan Williams, has been offered the role of Fredo Corleone in the remake of 'The Godfather Part II'.
NPR chief, Vivian Schiller, said: "I know it was you Juan, you broke my heart."
You call that war??
U.S. Army field logs from Afghanistan leaked, grisly reports of torture, attacks with acid and electric drills, beatings and mutilations. Yawn. Don't these people watch movies?
WikiLeaks Still Publishing Things that Won't Help United States Win
WikiLeaks likes to release top secret documents that don't help stop wars, but only prove that war is evil. The latest releases about the Iraq War are no different.
Healthy food advocates convinced the girl scouts, high school band & sports team fundraisers to sell celery spears instead of cookies & candy. So far these organizations have raised a total of $3.25!
You Did What?
HMS Astute, first of a new class of Royal Navy nuclear-powered submarines was snagged on rocks off of Scotland. Her captain's next assignment will be a ferry between the Isle of Wight & Portsmouth.
Former President Bush Leads in the Mid-Term Elections
Early voting began this week in many states across the USA & exit polls indicate former President Bush is way ahead. GOP cites Pres. Obama & leading Democrats for the result, due to name recognition.
Who's on First?
USA economy continues to go down the tube at a rapid rate with high unemployment still present. Yet the Obama administration worries about diabetes in 2050, asteroid hits & changing city street signs!
OSHA's Bathing Suit for Negating Shark Attacks
The new bathing suit is modeled after medieval armor. Independent safety experts expect the number of swimmers/surfers drowning to increase because of the weight. Not too worry air bags are coming!
Rooney wants out
Man U star Wayne Rooney says he wants to be ejected into outer space and stay there indefinitely because he can't stand being on the same planet as Sir Alex Ferguson. NASA will build him a rocket.
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