Spoof news snippets from Thursday 21 October 2010
Terrorist Attack Warning
Another terrorist attack warning announced today in London by official who then ran screaming out the studio door.
Maybe These Are The Duds
Several unmanned military drones recalled due to delayed explosion on impact. However, everyone scatters as three had already been launched and headed back.
No Vision In DC
Even after the announcement of much more water being on the moon than first thought plus many minerals, President Obama still cancels moon program.
There is going to be a new movie out called 'careful now' based on Fr.Dougal McGuires Life, a must see movie very interesting with a guest appearence of pope benedict. Go see it
No To Future NPR Funding
In wake of Williams firing, Republicans want NPR funding examined. "Why should conservatives pay for liberal network?"
Way Back When!
Swiss archaeologists find 5,000-year-old door, Ray Manzarek. Played keyboards on "Light My Fire!"
Obama Scrutiny To Increase
GOP lawmaker looks to increase scrutiny of Obama. Place him where he HAS to answer questions he's refused to talk about!
NPR Fires Williams
Leftist NPR fires Juan Williams for Muslim remarks on Fox. They actually didn't even WANT him of Fox. "Even Obama afraid of going on there."
No Panic On A Submarine
Navy picks submarines that will carry first women with special PMS quarters.
Some Still In Bed
Wives of trapped miners say they went from the worst of times to the times of wurst!
Pot Not Cure-All
Legal pot could save millions, but not a cure-all. More like 'Feeling A Lot Better-All".
Bionic arm causes crash in Austria!
A bionic arm and it's owner had a terrible crash in Austria today, the arm wanted to go to ze left, the owner to ze right, what a pair of one-arm-bandit-crash-dummies!
Didn't Shake Her Booty
Girl, 11, kicked out of cheerleading team for 'not shaking her booty enough', not pushing out training bra.
Montgomerie In Car Crash
Golf star Colin Montgomerie left 'shaken' after car crash. "I was all teed....keyed up", he tells reporters.
"It's Like He's Rediscovered He Has One!"
Why women get more miserable with age (and men cheer up) It has a lot to do with men finally retiring, having plenty of time and lots of Viagra available.
False Accuser To Prison
Rape-lie woman, 21, who falsely accused man of sex attack is told by judge: 'You're going to prison..where the rapes might be real!'
Those Were Helium Balloons In Sky Over NYC!
After the UFO spotting over New York recently being explained to be helium balloons, the West Coast Post called the aliens directly and they say that's most likely what it was. "We were on Titan."
New Number Two
Al-Qaida #3 moved up to #2 on the after this past weekend of fighting, according to the BCS standings!
The 1989 Axe Murder
Police in New York City admit that their cops there did a hatchet job on that axe murder business there in 1989.
Good At Economics, Alright
One of two winners of the Nobel Prize for Economics auctions it off on e-Bay, uses money to invest in gold!
Pelosi Fires One Back!
Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi fires back at critics, catches back of dress, curtains behind her on fire!
Fed Judge To Hand Down Ruling
Federal Judge to rule on "Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Scratch, Don't Smell" question.
Buggers Out On Strike!
Employees at Hilton Hotel in Chicago go on three-day bedbug strike!
"Look, They Are Huge!"
Inside Source says that huge heads on Mount Rushmore has saved the Earth from invading UFO's many, many times.
Egg Farm Closed Temporarily
FDA finds old eggs, dead rats, 2 missing employees beneath chickenshit at Egg Farm!
Troops Saying Same Thing!
President Obama to visit Pakistan in 2011 instead of next month - "Little too much bombing lately for my tastes", says President.
City Leaders Steal From Housing For Poor
Money meant for affordable housing in Bell, CA, instead used by city's leaders as 'self-indulgent slush fund'. Claim they need plenty of lushes in hot weather.
Just Like The Cowboy's Boots
Penthouse magazine founder Bob Guccione dies with his condom on in a suburban Dallas hospital at age 79
Lady Gaga Cancels Paris Performance
French protests update: Lady Gaga cancels Paris concerts due to 'logistical difficulties' surrounding strikes. Now they're really mad!
UConn Bomb Threat
Update on UConn bomb threat: West Hartford campus has been evacuated as have several student's bowels.
Merkel In Men's Dressing Room
Merkel calms storm over dressing-room visit. "Just checking on the sizes so I can boast!"
Like Hitler, Mussolini!
Iran, Venezuela leaders seek 'new world order' with themselves as co-leaders!
Penthouse Founder Dies
PENTHOUSE founder Guccione dies, aged 79. Ashes to be spread in centerfold!
War In NYC!
'Stink bugs' hit New York. Battle NYC bed bugs for territory!
White House takes credit for George Bush-era wind farm jobs. Eisenhower leadership in WWII.
Clinton Lost Nuclear Codes
BOOK: Clinton Lost Nuclear Codes While in Office but Monica Lewinsky found them under his desk.
Frying Bacon Smell Offends Muslims
UK cafe owner ordered to remove fan because neighbor claims 'smell of frying bacon offends Muslims'...Owner says loud Muslim prayers is noise pollution.
NPR: National Politically-Correct Reports
Huckabee calls on Congress to cut NPR funding. "They prefer Iran and Venezuela to the US.
Rove: Obama's Incoherent Closing Argument...Sounded more like Bush than Bush!
Whatever It Takes?
Dem promises move into mobile home if elected Texas gov! Trade his Corvette for pick-up truck!
Hitler A Tourist Attraction
Hitler becomes major Berlin tourist attraction. Most common comment? "I thought he was dead!"
Colts' McAfee suspended one game for "detrimental" conduct. McAfee claims he was only drunk, not a mental case.
Obamja Seeking Bipartisanship
Jarrett: Obama still interested in bipartisanship. Former President George W. Bush: That big prevert!
Women More Charitabile
Study: Women give more to charity than men. Number one reason according to male interviews: "They have all our money."
Retained Fireman Burns Down Office Block
He turned a small waste bin fire into a roaring blaze, saying "I fought fire with fire, but it didn't work!"
Women's Rights Worsen
The U.S.-led invasion and then occupation of Iraq brought a sharp setback to the rights of women in that country, according to late night comedians.
Obama Courting Women #2
Obama courts women voters on West Coast tour...except for San Francisco area! Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Obama Courting Women
Obama courts women voters on West Coast tour! Bill Clinton: You can do that?
Local teacher recognized as students up to 20 years ago say, "Yep, that's her alright."
It All Evens Up!
Study: Women give more to charity than men but men donate much more racetracks, casinos.
Winter Forecasts Out!
Winter: Warm and dry South, cold and wet Northwest. Southwest and Northeast: Middlin'
Student TakesTown Police
Mexican student takes over police in drug war town as he's the oldest person still alive.
Afghan Peace Council!
Afghan peace council wants Saudi Arabia's help, money.
World's Longest Opossum!
World's longest opossum, Flathead - measures 14 feet! Apparently ran over by a highway roller!
You're The Democrat, Right? ...Nope?
Gillibrand, DioGuardi set for 2nd NY Senate debate as they will try once again to help voters know which is which!
US-Saudi arms deal causes ripple from Iran to Israel, fine wine in others.
Public Radio Fires Commentary
US public radio fires analyst over Muslim comments saying that Muslim nations that supported the terrorists, although most agree with him.
Oldest Galaxy So Far
Astronomers say they've found oldest galaxy so far. Name it the Larry King Galaxy!
Might As Well Get It Over with!
Toyota recalling 1.53 million cars globally! Update: Toyota says to just bring all their cars back to dealers to go over from one end to the other!
Obama's Closing Argument
Obama's closing, familiar argument: Time to choose! It's either the devil you know or the devil you don't know!
Dirtry Politics #4
United States political really dirty this year: I happen to know that my opponent is backed by the Mexican Drug Cartel!
Dirty Politics #3
United States political really dirty this year: My unworthy opponent burned a Koran AND The Book o Mormon!
Dirty Politics #2
United States political really dirty this year: I happen to know that my opponent hates every sing one of those Twilight movie actors!
United States political really dirty this year: I happen to know that my opponent caused that mine in Chile to collapse!"
Parallel Universe Breakthrough
CERN scientists eye parallel universe breakthrough. Could be Coincidence but scientists there say they have just discovered us!
Almost Bagged LBJ!
Ex-Secret Service officer: I almost shot LBJ. I could have been famous...infamous!
Oldest Galaxy Yet
Astronomers say they've found oldest galaxy so far. Possible humans there are 10,000 years old!
Long Tall Cat
World's longest cat - Stewie - measures 4 feet. Several callers say their cats have four feet also!
French Protests Continue
Clashes, protests in French tensions over pensions! Flares over cares! Gobs over jobs!
Toyota recalling 1.53 million cars globally! Recalls begin to catch up with production.
Obama's Closing Argument #5
Obama's closing, familiar argument: "Time to choose. It's either me or the deep blue sea!"
Obama's Closing Argument #4
Obama's closing, familiar argument: Time to choose! Neither one of us know what we're doing, but we have had more practice!
Obama's Final Argument: #3
Obama's closing, familiar argument: Time to choose! With us, it's only a hard place. With the GOP, it's a rock!
Obama's Argument #2
Obama's closing, familiar argument: Time to choose: Either you stay with us and go bankrupt or go to them and go bankrupt!
So Farewell, Bob Guccione
I used to read one of your magazines, Omni, for the sci-fi.
The Key Question
Obama's closing, familiar argument: Time to choose: Do you want to stick with this mess or not?
Don't Need To Be Whoppers!
Major doctors study say that there is absolutely nothing harmful about silicone implants but caution women from putting too much in their boobs no matter how the husbands pleads!
Goverment Borrowing At Record High
Neighbour demanding return of lawnmower and barbecue. And where's my West Wing DVD set?
Government to tighten the belt
British Government has announced spending cutbacks to balance the economy. They will also introduce rationing and ask poor people to live in the subway tunnels for their own good. Sackcloth please!!
Prince barred by HQ
News in that HRH Prince Charles has been banned by Buckingham Palace from speech making because people can't stand his rambling discourse on uninteresting subjects. The Prince will continue to smile.
And get that cock out of your mouth, soldier!
California federal appeals court grants temporary stay Wednesday, puts "don't ask, don't tell" policy back into effect for U.S. military. Gays recruited since Oct. 12 ordered back into the closet.
Sarah Palin Comes to Defense of Christine O' Donnel
Sarah Palin defended Christine O' Donnel's gaf about the first ammendment today, saying she is often confused about that "Constitution stuff too". She wants Christine to be her running mate in 2012.
Truth is Stranger than Fiction
A man leaning out of a moving car window was killed when the vehicle swiped a telephone pole. The dog driving the car was cited for speeding!
Good News and Bad News
Good news, the Mayan "Long Count" calendar may not end on Dec. 21, 2012. Bad news, the Sun will burn out in 5 billion years. Scientists advise putting the latter date in your Blackberry!
To Defend the US Constitution
The command "to the rear march" sounds like a funny line about a gay person serving in the US military. Dying in combat serving in the US military transcends being gay or straight, subject to UCMJ!
President Obama has a problem identifying USA enemies from friends. Iran representatives were invited to attend a NATO conference on Afghanistan. Apparently, Osama bin Laden and Mullah Omar were busy!
Democratic liberal left sex partners achieve orgasm by one yelling "tax" and the other screaming "spend!"
Have you noticed that the very wealthy Democratic liberal left elitists have not given the federal government back the money they saved from President Bush's 2010 estate tax and 10 year tax cuts?
Budget Balancing is not Taught at Harvard Law School
HS Pelosi & SML Reid didn't vote on the Bush tax cuts before the recess. These arrogant elitists plan to get the next $3.6 trillion from the taxpayers for Pres. Obama's frivolous spending policies.
You're Not Going to Believe This
After two years of dealing with problems in the Oval Office a president's hair usually turns white. President Obama's hair is still the same color, but……………………….!
Leveled Playing Field
Republicans are searching for a 2012 presidential candidate who has no executive experience, no economic expertise and no foreign relations savvy. A perfect match to run against President Obama!
Obamanomics to be Outlawed
The new 112th Congress is to propose a 28th amendment to the US Constitution, calling for "the separation of the USA economy and state!"
Liberals Worst Nightmare
Republicans win the US House & US Senate in 2010. President Obama resigns in 2012, but VP Biden is too stunned to become president. House Speaker John Boehner sworn in as the 45th US president.
Republican Confidence Grows
President Obama, VP Biden and former President Clinton are stumping for Democrats, two weeks before the elections. A Democratic empty suit, an empty head and an overinflated ego are on your side!
800 Billion Reasons to Remove the Speaker
The three Republican's in Nancy Pelosi's San Francisco CA US House District believe it is the Democratic moderates who will unseat the house speaker, either at home or in Washington DC!
Just when You Thought it was Safe I
Following the mid-term elections there will be a Lame duck session of Congress. Get ready for more Democratic liberal left proposed inane federal legislation!
Just when You Thought it was Safe II
In January 2011 surviving blue state legislatures will be convened. State houses infested by Democratic liberal left lobbyists will push inane legislation continuing to tax/spend & over regulate!
Gubernatorial Hopefuls Target Women Voters
The red and blue candidates vying in a state governorship race are courting a key voting constituency, namely women. The candidate's jealous (green) wives have been conspicuously absent.
They Also Believe in the Tooth Fairy I
Environmentalists believe that by reducing energy consumption by 1% per year due to leaky windows and adding home insulation, no new electrical generation facilities will ever be needed in the USA!
They Also Believe in the Tooth Fairy II
Some environmentalists, who never took thermodynamics courses, believe that gasoline consumption (hence foreign oil) can be reduced by operating automobiles at 25 miles per hour!
Not Enough Problems to Solve?
Democratic liberal left think tanks keep creating insignificant problems to solve, as they have no real solutions to the USA's current economic, immigration and foreign relations problems!
HHS Solves Obesity Problem
HHS mandates home bathroom scales be wired to an HHS overweight control center via the internet. When getting on the scale in the morning, big brother may say "get your fat ass to the health club!"
Nuts to be Regulated
After 40 years of research the FDA identifies how many peanuts it takes to make a jar of peanut butter. No release of information is planned until FDA's 2011 Congressional appropriation is approved.
New Mile High Club!
Although most people in the western world have heard of the "Mile High Club", the "Mile High Mooning Club" has just come to light.
Regulation is Needed
A study determined that small children playing with their own waste products can be hazardous. Parents have been plagued with this problem for millennia, but the EPA now plans to ban the practice.
Popular uprising in France continues into third weekend, now partially blamed on Levitra 48-Hours!
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