Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 20 October 2010
Elway Loses A Million
Former Denver Quarterback John Elway loses over one million dollars to scam artist. Blames five concussions during playing days!
There will be still another movie about the Titanic. Kirstie Alley will play the iceberg.
NYC Miner Celebration
Bar in NYC stayed open all night as every time they'd bring up a miner in Chile, that take a shot. Only three left in chair by last one out.
But Must Keep Mouth Closed!
Joe Biden told by Obama that he will be his running mate for 2012 election, even though it could cost him one million people he has offended in first two years.
Maybe Sell Enough Stories To Quit
Rescued Chile miners upset over company using up 70 days of vacation time. "That was no vacation!", yell wives outside the offices.
Tea Party Discovers Tea Taste Horrible
"I can't believe how horrible tea really is," Dick Armey,a spokesman for the Tea Party,said. "It is almost kind of sour tasting, and leaves a bad taste in your mouth."
Most Americans Happy Yankees Keep Losing
A new poll out today shows that 98% of Americans hope the Yankees keep losing.
United Fans Stick By Rooney
John from Wythenshaw and Eric and Ernie from Eccles pledge alleigance. The rest tell him to sod off.
Sir Alex To Put Rooney Situation To Bed.
Seems all he needs is a piss pot.
"Lisen up, dogs," says Karzai
Afghan president Hamid Karzai stated that the situation in Afghanistan should improve within a year or two. Political analysts think he meant dog years, which would mean the 7 to 14 years timeframe.
Rooney Message To United Squad Ahead Of CL Tie - "I'm Missing You."
Correction:- "I'm dissing you."
Saudis Buy Weapons
U.S. Defense Department to sell up to $60 billion worth of weapons to Saudi Arabia to help confront threats from Iran, Syria, us.
Oldest Object Discovered
Scientists say they've found the oldest object in the universe. Here's a hint: He co-wrote most of the Rolling Stones hit songs!
Proud Of Their Heritage
Researchers say that not only is vampire story writer Meyer related to the original Dracula, but that Russian leader Putin direct descendant of Rasputin!
Hot to Trot!
Ex-GMTV presenter Kate Garraway reputedly has the hots for Adrian 'hanging piles' Chiles of dubious 'Daybreak' fame. "He's a sex god" gushed Kate as she experienced her third orgasm of the morning!
Chief Justice Thomas' wife seeks apology from accuser Anita Hill but mistakenly calls her "Bennie".
Hollywood Helping Miners!
Hollywood stars to do benefit for Chile Coal Miners! "We know what it's like to have 5,000 reporters and cameramen around 24-hours a day!"
5,000-Year-Old Door Discovered In Switzerland?
Swiss archaeologists find 5,000-year-old door, remains of a 5,045-year-old Avon lady!
Oldest Galaxy Found!
Astronomers say they've found oldest galaxy so far. Even older than one they found yesterday.
Maybe Not Heaven Yet, But France?
'Clinically dead' woman wakes up in French hospital. "Boy is this a letdown!", she complains.
Bernie Madoff's golden slippers, piano to be auctioned in New York City.
Calif Guv Marries 16-Year-Old!
CERN scientists eye parallel universe breakthrough where, in one dimension, Woody Allen is Governor of California.
End of the Earth Postponed as Mayans begin filibuster on the behalf of the human race.
Same Ole, Same Ole!
NAACP leader calls on Palin, Armey, to condemn alleged tea party racism and have they stopped beating their mates!
Make A Difference?
Tea party candidates vow to make a difference in Senate. Officially they are group #27 to make that promise.
Osborne Sends Clear Message To Electorate
Blame yourselves. You voted for us. Ha!
Sky News Supports Spending Review
Unlike everybody else.
David Cameron Actually Does Something At Last
Drags us all back into the dark ages.
Spending Cuts Promise Boom Time Looming
For homeless shelter operators.
UK Spending Review Heralds Good News For The Poor
They'll be able to appreciate their beans on toast so much more now.
Manchester United FC Learn Valuable Lesson
Never put your faith in a Scouser.
Cheryl Cole Unveils Tussaud's Waxwork Likeness
"It's more animated than the real thing," says observer.
First talking squirrel say that most of the jokes told by squirrels concern the double meaning of "nuts".
Where Are You, Hon?
The best way to get a great job is to marry the bosses daughter. If ugly, complain that you have very week eyesight and have to wear dark glasses to bed.
The U.S. Treasury, tired of the dollar being worth less by the week, announce that from now on, all US currency will be fully backed by nuclear weapons.
Happy Meal Advances
The latest on the Sixth Month Happy Meal is that it apparently moved on it's own.
Kim's Oldest Son Protests #2
North Korea's Kim's oldest son objects to his youngest son becoming new leader! "I'm twice as Looney Tunes as my youngest brother!
Kim's Oldest Son Protests
North Korea's Kim's oldest son objects to his youngest son becoming new leader! "He won't be protesting for long", says youngest brother.
Obama, Limbaugh, Palin Cousins
Obama, Limbaugh, Palin all related to each other. "I didn't recognize little Sarah since she was only nine at last family reunion many years ago", says President.
Russia experimenting with new blow-up tanks. Decoy target can even serve as girlfriend for troops in the field.
Can't Fight A War Alone
Britain can never again fight alone: 17,000 frontline personnel to go in drastic cuts. Draws chuckles from NKorea, Iran!
Britain's Oldest Lady Dies
Britain's oldest person dies at the age of 111: Elsie Steele saw 6 monarchs, 9 husbands, one honest politician and 21 prime ministers!
Guess He Showed Her!
Manchester man who wins argument with his wife also wins free knee in the groin!
Police, fifty priests hunt for two young boys seen wandering streets alone in their pajamas.
Prank Snake Leads To Police Call
Fake snake prank sparks police emergency after it shows up in bag of popcorn at theater.
We Must All Sacrifice
Osborne slashes 490,000 jobs, cuts welfare by £7bn and forces us all to work longer - but there's even MORE money for overseas aid, politician holidays and global warming
Police Still On Alert!
Police in Vermont say they don't know why man there went on a knifing spree at the Guns & Ammo store in Montpelier.
Old "Lightning Rodney"
Illinois man who had lightning strike his wallet chain still pulling $20 bills out his ass!
"New York's Finest" not necessarily talking about cops claims Seventh Avenue pimp!
Both Diapers Full!
New father says their baby boy is boring. "All he does is eat and crap. Just like Grandpa. They're both being changed in the same room right now, but that's Grandpa crying!"
President Obama tells unemployed, "Just consider your 18 months of unemployment checks as a vacation."
New Obama Book
President Obama's next book, "So Far So Good" will be out in January, along with a set rose-colored glasses!
Man Eats Cock In Busy Restaurant
"We ran out of hens breasts," says KFC manager, "all we had left were two cocks and a broiler!"
Agatha Christie's Signature Found on Back of Dirty Van
Graphologists have discovered the signature of Agatha Christie on a dirty white van in Cheltenham today. They believe that it is the work of a Grimewriter.
Fog Horn Leghari Dead At 71!
Farooq Ahmed Khan Leghari, former president of Pakistan, dies at age 70 over stroke he suffered, trying to pronounce his whole name!
Judge Thomas' Wife Asks Hill For Apology
Wife of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas reaches out to Anita Hill, who accused him of sexual harassment. Gets it bit!
Obama to appear on 'The Daily Show', 'Martha Stewart' and a rerun of 'Monk' ahead midterm election.
Shriners Cutting Back
Shriners hospitals start seeking insurance payments, remain free to children patients, clowns.
Pope Names New Promotions
Pope Benedict XVI names 24 new cardinals, three French hens, two turtledoves and a partridge.
UK Budget Cuts
U.K. announces biggest budget cuts since WWII as part of austerity measures aimed at clearing the nation's leeches!
US Troops Hamstrung On War Engagement
Troops chafe at restrictive rules of engagement, talks with Taliban. "We can't return fire unless someone gets killed!"
China Halting Key Minerals To US
SHOWDOWN: China halting key minerals to USA. Obama to back down again?
No Meat Dresses!
Butchers warn against wearing Lady Gaga raw meat dress for Halloween. Suggest wearing pork chop on chain around neck. void dogs.
Saudi Prince Guilty
UPDATE: Saudi prince convicted of murdering manservant in London. Saudis may remove head to teach him a lesson.
Pelosi Not To Run Again?
Pelosi: I won't run again for Speaker...I'm retiring my gavel!
House Speaker Has House Foreclosure
SPEAKER FACES FORECLOSURE ON HOUSE. Pelosi spent too much on botox say family.
Judge denies delay on gay troops order
Also win the right to skip during marches!
Barack, Michelle Video As They're Everywhere But Washington
Barack, Michelle Make Campaign Video: Fight For It! "Another 13 Trillion Dollars In Debt Won't Matter!"
Barack , Michelle Ads
Barack, Michelle Make Campaign Video: Fight For It! "Don't let them keep laying you off!"
Almost Shot LBJ #2
A former Secret Service agent says in new book that he nearly shot President Lyndon B. Johnson hours after John F. Kennedy's assassination. PETA say LBJ lifting beagles by ears earned him a bullet!
Almost Shot LBJ
A former Secret Service agent says in his new book that he nearly shot President Lyndon B. Johnson hours after John F. Kennedy's assassination. Some Vietnam war vets say they wish he had.
Obama On Martha Srewart
Obama to appear on Stewart's 'Daily Show' Oct. 27. To show audience how he managed to bankrupt country in less than 2 years.
Obama All Over TV
Obama to appear on Stewart's 'Daily Show' Oct. 27, ABC, NBC & CBS on October 28-31. Mother-In-Law still running White House!
More Options Against Drug-Addictions
Longer-lasting options to treat drug addiction as scientists offer new "Cure Or Kill" pills.
More Men Asking About Books On Sexual Advice
Starbucks hopes free songs, e-books lure customers. Also ladies in short-shorts!
Old Flour Children
New evidence found for flour in stone-age diet. Also, stone=ground meal.
Evidence Of Stone Age Flour!
New evidence found for flour in stone-age diet. "But it wasn't self-rising", says one.
5,000-Year-Old Door Discovered
Swiss archaeologists find 5,000-year-old door. Most afraid to open it.
But Hard To Tell
Jimmy McMillan stands out in N.Y. governor debate. Looked much more less stupid, say audience.
Clintons Helping Teens
Hillary Clinton offers support to gay teens. Bill Clinton offers support to straight ones.
Pompey Unbeaten In Five After Win At Millwall
Said superfan Jake Seaport: "I can't... It's.... What the f...? I mean... C'mon Yew Blews!!!
Goodbye To Free Checking
Banks tell customers to say goodbye to traditional free checking. Customers ask 'what free checking?'
Gays & Goy Re-enlist
US Troops discharged for being gay try to re-enlist. Israeli Troops discharged for being goy also re-enlist.
Oil Leak Uncertainty
6 months after oil spill, much remains unknown as Floridians form search party for missing oil leak!
Candidates Getting Really Ugly In Nevada
Nevada Senate race turns uglier with Hispanic ad as both candidates faces could break a mirror.
4012 The Actual Date?
End of the Earth Postponed as experts now say Mayans forgot to carry 2!
Vote On Pensions
France faces more protests as pension vote looms. Many youth hoping it is not voted down as they're having too much fun.
Been A Long Series
Cain beats Abel 3-0 as Giants take 2-1 NLCS lead over David.
Reluctant Florence Henderson leaves 'Dancing' #2
Reluctant Florence Henderson leaves 'Dancing'. "Six brats at home wore me out", she complains.
Florence Henderson Leaves "Dancing"
Reluctant Florence Henderson leaves 'Dancing'. Mr. Brady asks the kids what can they learn from this?
Alarms Over Radiation
Alarms over radiation from thyroid cancer patients as radiation could affect those around them.
'Happy Days' beloved dad Tom Bosley dead at 83
Gone upstairs after feeling "Frisky" says Mrs. C.
Tom Bosley Dead At 83
'Happy Days' beloved dad Tom Bosley dead at 83. Generation TV "dad" for many teens of the early 1970's, as Andy Griffith earlier.
Poverty Rising At Places Already In Poverty
America's Poor: Where Poverty Is Rising In America. Mostly in the south and inner cities but poverty hasn't left there in many years. "No society security by Obama hasn't helped!
New Translators Postpone End Of The World
End of the Earth Postponed! New Mayan translations has put the end of the world past 2012. Today's heroes!
French Situation Worsens #2
French protesters, police clash again. Several injured in huge slap-off!
France Situation Worsens
French fuel depots forced open amid strikes as strikers taking very early retirements.
Politics As Usual
Stimulus spending looms large in midterm contests. Everyone's out to buy your vote.
Gay Troops Back
Troops discharged for being gay try to re-enlist, becoming a part of new "Whores From Hell" group.
Hedge Fund Boost of $120bn
Neighbours fear loss of natural light.
Thought For The Day:
Man, I'm looking forward to the weekend!
Gays Into Service!
Military recruiters told to accept gay applicants. Ask if they can adopt the "Whore From Hell!"
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