Spoof news snippets from Sunday 17 October 2010
Nkorea Renews Peace Treaty
North Korea's Kim's son, their new leader says all his dad asked was that they have permanent peace treaty with Warner Brothers. "I'm glad he didn't ask me to change my name to Bugs Rabbit!"
Team Charles and Camilla (all 124 of them, costing £6m... from the man who runs his bath to the woman who talks to plants) to man who jiggles the royal penis after a royal pee!
University Students Teaching Terrorism?
Islamic students at top university are preaching hard-line extremism, terror experts warn. "They're recruiting young people who will blow themselves up with something more powerful than a penis pump!"
Nurse Forced To Quit
Broadmoor nurse who 'slept with two patients' forced to quit, even though they both perked right up!
"Why Thank You Eddie."
Barbara Billingsley, who played June Cleaver on 'Leave it to Beaver,' has died. Beaver: Sorry you're dead, Mom. Can I go over to Joeys?" Eddie Haskell: "Gee, your grave site looks nice Mrs. Cleaver."
French Reveal Threat
French interior minister says Saudis warn of al-Qaida terrorist threat in Europe. Plus he's decided on two shades of orange for the Interior office.
Lots Of Fuel Found In Israel!
Oil companies to start drilling at natural-gas field off Israel said to be show huge potential. US tells PLO to 'stuff it!'
Only Had It Twenty Minutes
Man at Chicago O'Hare Airport who lost his billfold with social security card, bank checks and five credit cards says he's glad that it wasn't his.
Local Man Gets His Kicks
Local man who wins bet at the bar shakes his ass until his ass is kicked out the door into parking lot.
US Blinks In China Dispute
BLINK: Obama admin backs off in currency dispute with China. No surprise here. Also, no backbone!
Who Are These 'Critics'?
New "Hit of the Season Comedy" on ABC Wednesdays closes after two episodes.
Democrats Hope For Jackass Tuesday!
'Jackass' gang pulls biggest stunt with $50M debut this weekend. Dems hoping this is a good sign!
Papino, the late non-crime fighting dog, takes a bite out of his owner's leg while he's being robbed!
FBI Once Again Being Testy!
FBI: New testing system in the works! But will first have to be thoroughly tested to see if the tests work.
"You All Hear That? Happened Right Chere!"
Japanese exchange student patiently once again explains to Georgia host family about Atlanta being burned in the War Between The States!
US Southwest Perfect Spot
Sunny Southwest: Desire for alternative energy crosses party lines as most in Southwest United States now ready for solar energy! "Washington has wasted years through both parties!"
No More Talent Night
New "Absolutely No Karaoke Club" now full of customers almost every night.
Obama Delivers Different Type Of Change
Poll: Those craving for change now look to the GOP. "We didn't know Obama meant change like only 'change' left in our pockets."
Charities Tighten Their Second-Hand Belts
Top 400 charities see billions less in donations as many who gave to help others now need help themselves in lame economy.
Limbaugh Blames Gore
Rush Limbaugh now claims his hearing loss was caused by Al Gore posing as different callers & screaming in his ears after 2000 election loss.
The Hannity Presidency!
Those who asked Rush Limbaugh to form a turd party to run for President in 2012 are now after Sean Hannity!
Popular But Canceled After Live Audience Takes Sides!
First episode of new reality show "Girlfriend Exchange" ends in impromptu slapping, hair-pulling ending.
Thought He Had More Cash In Billfold!
Discovery of GPS tracker on his ass after entering bathroom to crap suddenly becomes personal privacy issue.
Some California officials say legalizing marijuana would put a permanent end to "ass for grass" activity in the state.
First Saint In Australia
Pope canonizes first Australian saint, 5 others who managed not to bother choirboys. "See", It can be done!"
Reality Really Affecting TV Today
Television networks accuse gang activity, mob crimes leading to viewers demanding more violence on TV.
Vice President Joe Biden, trying to stir up voters, says he nearly missed tackling Osama bin Laden in alley in Washington.
"Just got away. He was disguised as a cab driver."
Mel & UFO Incident
Mel Gibson goes into rant about UFO that ran him about UFO that ran him off the road! "You police need to protect the Earth like you're paid to do!"
American Freed In Iran
American freed in Iran denies links to rebel group. "Never even heard of them! I think they made them up."
Now Humans Can Join Pets
Florida company introduces new, red celery. "We deserve it", say environmentalists. "We feed our pets all-colored 'food' all the time."
According to a new poll, more Americans would like to have Thanksgiving dinner with Michelle Obama than with Sarah Palin. Mainly, because no one wants to eat polar bear and dressing.
Wild Election Coming
For the first time, more American politicians running for office will be wearing bullet-proof vests and girdles than those who don't.
How to steal a Million, How ?
It is quite easy, buy a mask, hire a bike,snatch a handgun from any sleeping policeman, barge into any bank and say-Hands up ! Then take the wad of notes and vanish. Simple.
Here! Here Now!
Oprah Winfrey stunned her studio audience yesterday by giving everyone there a shock through their chairs. Causes a standing ovation for guest, Barack Obama.
Should Increase Even More Next Year!
New Orleans finally back to normal in number of tourists, prostitutes and murders five years after Katrina.
Old Hologram Found #2
Another old hologram found in White House Junk. This one has LBJ showing Hubert Humphrey's balls in his front pocket.
Old Nixon Hologram Found
Old recording of hologram of drunk Henry Kissinger dancing discovered by workmen at White House.
Or 'Hop Sing"!
Little Jong, Kim's successor says that he got his name from his dad watching reruns of old Bonanza series. "Could have been worse", says Little Jong. "Could Be Hoss Jong!"
Little Jong Replacing Kim
Officials say that Kim Jong's son has officially won the democratic race there for their next leader by a vote of 1-0!
Cereal Company Drops Kirstie Alley
Kelloggs drops Kirstie from deal to put her picture on the front of a box of Low-Sugar Apple Jacks. The picture wound around the side and on part of the back of the box when attempted.
Look At That!
Michael Jackson and Fred Astaire dancing on clouds, stop in amazement at Mr. Bojangles on Cloud Nine!
Australia's First Catholic Saint
Australia gets its first Catholic saint. Although there are thousands their from other denominations.
Alley On Diet Ahain
Kirstie Alley begins new diet. Vows to begin it by leaving off putting butter and sugar on her Girl Scout cookies.
MJ's shoes found !
Fans looking for souvenirs in and around the Late MJ's mansion have found his original shoes he used to moonwalk in- stuck on the moon's surface reflected in his bath tub.
Billboard Number One Hit!
Number One Hit on the billboard this week: Those 'Got Milk' Celeb commercials!
Death Threats Brings Down Obama Billboard
UPDATE: Anti-Obama billboard taken down after death threats. Joe Biden refuses to comment but face is red again.
SKorean Boat Hijacked By Pirates
Somali pirates hijack S. Korean-operated fishing boat with 43 sailors, Seoul reveals. Force them to sing "Yo-Ho-Ho!" song in Korean, making it the 20th language they have heard it.
Nun A Saint!
Vatican canonizes Australia's first saint: Nun who exposed sexual abuse by a priest, an almost unheard of thing in today's world.
Pelosi Has No Time For Debate
NANCY PELOSI: No time to debate opponent because 'time is money'...and money is more botox!'
Boobs Exceeded Safety Measures.
Man Awarded $650K for Eye Injury Sustained During Lap Dance. Both eyes also suffer from extension!
China Tells US They Are Not To Blame
China to USA: We are not to blame for your problems...except for that lead thing. Also, the bad pet food.
Feds Pushing Inflation
FEDS TO PUSH 'INFLATION' AS ECONOMIC FIX! Want Jimmy Carter Back To Advise!
Boob-Eye The Suer Man
Man Awarded $650K for Eye Injury Sustained During Lap Dance, to sue over being called "Boob-Eye" in the local papers.
Joe Wilson Back To Yelling At Obama
Obama campaigns in -- Massachusetts? "John, Bobby & Edward are looking down at you tonight!" "Looking UP, you mean", yells Joe Wilson!
Little Fincial Support
18-term Dem Congressman -- has just 1one donor from his district, his mother.
Speaking German, English?
Merkel: Multiculturalism has failed...'Immigrants should learn to speak German'. 'I thought it was English", says immigrant in the US. "Wish they would make up their minds."
War Support At All-Timne Low!
Support for Afghanistan war at all-time low...especially among Afghans.
Police Finally Figure It Out!
HIGH TIMES Writer Nabbed in Pot Bust. "We just took a shot at it", says Officer. "Sure enough, he had pot."
Another State/Fed Standoff! #2
Feds vow marijuana enforcement regardless of California vote. "Now they will know how we feel", says Arizona Mayor!
Another State/Fed Standoff!
Feds vow marijuana enforcement regardless of California vote. Conclusion: Lots of sick people to apply.
GOP Predicted Pick-Ups!
Rasputin...Rasmussen Predicts Republican Gain of 55 in the House.
Ties The Play-Off Series
Texas Rangers rout Yankees in shootout to tie AL Championship Series !
Beaver Mourns Loss Of Mom!
Barbara Billingsley, Beaver Cleaver's TV mom, dies as The Beaver slaps his flat tail on water in grief.
Sunflower Seed Exhibit Closes
UK 'sunflower seed' exhibit closed as health risk, after swarm of birds attack eating and shitting all over it!
Botox Helps Migraine Headaches?
FDA approves Botox for migraine headaches! Fires Keith Richards as spokesman!
Venture-Cap Investments Decline
Venture-cap investments decline 7 percent in 3Q! I said, "Venture-cap investments decline 7 percent in 3Q!"...How about that red celery?
See It In 2012!
Clinton: US working to ending Mexico drug violence! "Hillary Braved Bullets While Obama Out Politicking!"
Drug Lords Dangerous
Clinton: US working to ending Mexico drug violence. May actually have to dodge bullets this time!
Britain Bracing For Cuts!
Hard-hit British heartland braces for cuts. Many objecting to government policies to get 'mullets'.
Cults Coming To Britain?
Hard-hit British heartland braces for cults. Sorry, that should be 'cuts'.
Palin Celebrating A Little Early
Palin tells supporters 'soon we'll all be dancing' ...or voted off the stage.
Keeping An Eye On You!
Discovery of GPS tracker, midget from FBI, becomes privacy issue.
Sports Fans Upset
Sports fans ensnared in Fox, Cablevision rate duel! "Everybody quit reading that 'red celery' story and be serious. This is important!", says spokesman.
Back On The Road Again
Obama, first lady hit campaign trail together with song and dance number. Meanwhile, red-button phone ringing off the hook back in DC as VP Biden sleeps in.
Off-duty Baltimore officer slain in fight over parking spot, as tensions are mounting around the country.
President Makes Her Mark
Kyrgyzstan: First Woman President Makes a Mark! First plans to teach everyone how to write name, pronounce 'Kyrgyzstan'!
Hilton Workers Strike #2
Hilton workers in Chicago start 3-day strike. Making plans for who pickets, who goes on Oprah.
Red Celery Advertised
Florida company introduces new, red celery.."Naaa, what's up comrade?"
Chile Miners Celebrate In Ceremony!
Some of Chile's 33 to return to mine for ceremony. Will be lowered back down, raised back up one at a time!
Merkel: Multculturism Has Failed
Merkel says German multiculturalism has failed. "We need more blond, blue-eyed pure citizens."
Important Happenings Announced First
Florida company introduces new, red celery. Paris Hilton Farts! 10,000 commit suicide in Jersey plot.
Readers Tired Of Reading "Defeated"?
Texas bounces Nebraska, Auburn stays perfect, Wisconsin makes Ohio State Their Woman! in football action yesterday.
Nigeria Makes Arrests
Nigeria: Bombing suspect's brother arrested. "Give yourself up or we hunt down the whole family!"
Doesn't Sound Positive #2
Israeli-Palestinian meeting in Paris postponed due to each wanting to get at each others throats but bars set between them.
Doesn't Sound Good!
Israeli-Palestinian meeting in Paris postponed due to each saying the other group stink up the place!
Dems Message Lags. "We Heard It In 2008!"
As Democrats' message lags, more workers lose jobs, Joe Biden continues to put foot in his mouth, GOP awaits huge wins.
Hilton Workers Strike
Hilton workers in Chicago start 3-day strike. Workers, pick pockets, bedbugs stage walkout.
No More Agent Orange?
U.S. military, Ask America voters see green future as invention of "Agent Green" to show up less in destroying forestry where enemy combatants, in our soldier's stomachs.
But Still No Taste
Florida company introduces new, red celery, green radishes, purple spotted carrots and glow-in-the-dark turnips.
Moonlight Meteor Shower Spawned By Halley's Comet! Earth could be blown to bits while Obama out campaigning but hopefully not.
We Know Who, Where You Are
Discovery of GPS tracker becomes privacy issue as it apparently has been installed in all gas-guzzlers by the US government.
Could Use Clean-Up
Hilton workers in Chicago start 3-day strike over cheap contract offered, bedbugs all over the place.
Mama's Doing Great Job: Michelle
Obama, first lady hit campaign trail together. Mother-In-Law passes on messages about latest word from Hillary holding peace talks, Russian leader's emergency call, meteorite heading for the earth.
Obama Supporters Leaving?
Poll: Many Obama 2008 supporters defecting to GOP but admit that Michelle's mother doing great job in White House as daughter & son-in-law out campaigning.
"New York May Blow! Call Me Back!"
Obama, first lady hit campaign trail together. Mother-In-Law passes on messages about any nuclear terrorist attacks when they call in.
Obama, Michelle Campaigning
Obama, first lady hit campaign trail together. Mother-In-Law still running the country.
Satanists claim Beatles song is their Satanic chant!
Beatles "Lucy in the sky with diamonds" is actually a Satanic chant called "Lucifer in the sky with demons" they're claiming 50% of royalties, if not, they'll send a plague of locusts to Liverpool!
Van de Sar drops his balls and Man Utd are certainly losing them!
The Rooney syndrome surrounding Man U has now affected the last bastion of security left in the team; Edwin van de Sar dropped his balls and Utd are certainly losing theirs!
US Budget Deficit Falls To $1.3 Trillion
Drinks on the house!
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