Spoof news snippets from Saturday 16 October 2010
Mrs. Cleaver Dies
Barbara Billingsley, Beaver Cleaver's TV mom, dies. Jerry Mathers asks brother, "Gee Wally, what's up with Mom?"
By Any Other Name
Florida company introduces new, red celery. Next week: Blue carrots!
PLO Weighing Alternatives
Palestinians weighing alternatives to peace talks. Catapults seen being sneaked in from Syria.
Obama: Do Not Get Discouraged
Obama urges Democrats to not get discouraged! Breaks down into tears and is helped off the stage like at a James Brown performance. Draws applause from crowd.
Shake It, Break It
Actress Kirstie Alley's version of the "Hippy Hippy Shakes" shakes floor down to the basement at party.
Slick Guy From FEMA!
In a hearing Friday, a member of FEMA stated that the reason they were so slow getting help to people in Kentucky & Tennessee after last year's ice storm was because they kept busting their asses.
Kentucky Ernie Ford Wins Award
In Tennessee, Kentucky Ernie Ford, Tennessee Ford's grandson, has been named the BMI Songwriter of the Year for 2010 with his huge bestseller, "I'm All In, Love".
Looking To Add Adult Customers
In a joint venture, Mrs Maple's Homemade cookies will be in the shape of Mrs Maple smoking one.
Dems Massage Legs?
As Democrats' massage legs, GOP awaits huge wins! I'm sorry, that should be "message lags".
Germans Want Another Hitler?
Thirteen percent of Germans would welcome a 'Führer'. That's getting into George Bush, Jimmy Carter and soon, Obama numbers.
More Good News For Obama
Obama's 52-year-old half brother in Kenya says he's married ten. I'm sorry, he's married a teen.
Toyota Bosses Getting Rough
Toyota sales people uneasy as one more recall and many will be order to commit hari-kari.
Inside Information Revealed By Prisoner
Stocks Prices on illegal cigarettes up to $5 each or sex according to an Insider report.
"Where Is Kuju, in Alabama?"
More trouble for Toyota. Now the built in GPS systems only show Japan.
Hitler's original moustache Found !
The shaved off portions of Hitler's moustache were found near the site of the bunker he passed his last days in . It was bound in a small pouch with a note-with love to Eva - Adolf.
Unfair Voting In California
California's pro-marijuana voters say voting not fair as they're too smashed to get to poll booths to vote next month.
We're All In This Together
Hard times hitting everyone in the United States as many CEO's selling second private plane, 5th house.
You Will Have Oil!
Chavez pledges oil to Belarus for 200 years, "maybe even 2,000 years", cries meek leader.
Obama Helps In Mass.
Obama aims to aid Mass. governor's re-election bid by asking Biden not to leave Washington, DC.
Bad Situation Made Worse?
Fuel supplies low as French protest austerity plan, making it even more austere. "That should teach them!"
Chilean Mine Rescue Tragedy Latest:
17 TV viewers die of boredom.
Choice Of Five Dishes For Inmates
Porridge à la carte: Minister says inmates should have choice of FIVE dishes for dinner. "All taste the same, anyway", say prisoners.
No Time Served After 100 Crimes
In Briton: As career criminals with 100 convictions are spared jail, MPs ask... What DOES get you locked up? "Using the wrong wheelie bin!", say police.
Old Celtic Dies
Ex-Ohio State basketball star Larry Siegfried, who won five NBA titles in seven years with the Boston Celtics, has turned the ball over. He was 71.
Just Checking Up On Him!
Pastor caught on video stealing pain meds from parishioner, police say. "Just checking to see if my healing ceremony was all he depended on", claims pastor.
We'll Last Only 3.7 Billion Years?
Time is running out, maybe, scientists say anew; they give us 3.7 billion years. That's 'billion', not 'million' so don't panic!
Obama Billboard Removed
Controversial anti-Obama billboard taken down by owners in Colorado after court order. It was burned as group danced around it.
Niger: #2 Is A Stinker!
Niger's former No. 2 junta leader arrested for plotting to 'eliminate' the head of the regime.
India Investigating Corruption At Games
India orders investigation into corruption allegations at Corruption Games according to the Times of India.
Richards Calls Jagger Ugly!
Rolling Stone Keith Richards: Mick Jagger 'unbearable'. "'Must be the ugliest human being on this whole moon.'
Alita A No-Show At Obama Speech
After Obama diss last year, Supreme Court member Alito plans to skip next State of the Union. "I won't sit there and be insulted.
How's That Again?
New poll shows that the slowdown in hiring new workers by private firms has accelerated!
French Strike Still On!
Paris airport Charles de Gaulle running short on fuel as pension strikes in France enter fifth day. Sarkozy still says retirement can no longer come with the big the big 5-0!
Cotton At 140-Year High!
Cotton Prices Hit 140-Year High. That collection from old aspirin bottles in the bathroom could be worth a fortune!
No Time For Debates!
PELOSI: No time to debate opponent because 'time is money' and it's once again vacation time!
China: We Are Not To Blame!
China to USA: We are not to blame for your problems...except for all the crappy products.
Taxing The Sh*t Out Of Them!
New York County Staring At A Possible 'Toilet Tax'!
Lapdance Eye Injury Settlement
Man Awarded $650K for Eye Injury Sustained During Lap Dance. Witnesses say his eyes were at least bugged out an inch in front of his head!
Tired Of War!
Support for Afghanistan war at all-time low...especially among Afghans.
Economy Growing Too Slow!
Bernanke: Economy growing too slowly to reduce unemployment. May need to continue unemployment payments until 2015 if there's any money lift.
Swimming Could Get You Wet!
Nyad scrubs Cuba-Florida swim bid due to weather as it looks like it good get very wet.
Pittsburgh Steelers get set for Roethlisberger's return! Roethlisberger's place now occupied by Brett Favre!
Acropolis Open Again
Acropolis opens to visitors after 3-day blockade. Athena and Poseidon lean out protesters!
Lorry load of onions spill on M1.
Motorists are advised to find a hard shoulder to cry on.
Government survey published today that the Prime Minister is doing the work of two men.
Laurel and Hardy.
Big Art Exhibit!
Exhibit of Titan masterpieces opening in Atlanta biggest art museum! I'm sorry, that should have been Titian!
The Hobbit To Be Shot!
Jackson to start shooting 'The Hobbit' in February. Joe Jackson says the varmint has till then to leave his land.
Botox For Migraines!
FDA approves Botox for migraine headaches as frowning can make permanent lines on forehead.
Just A Suggestion!
Clinton: US working to ending Mexico drug violence. How about bringing soldiers home from Afghanistan to clean-up borders?
How About Anti-Smoking Laws Speech?
Facebook works to remove anti-gay hate speech. Faces ACLU and freedom of speech.
Make Computer Use Safer
US eyes ways to make computer use safer online, on your lap!
French car designer, Renault, new Quasimodo based car.
The Hatchback of Notre Dame.
Lousiana state court jury fines pharma co over misleading claims about antipsychotic drug
Said spokesman: "Kill! I kill you! I kill you all! I kill your families!"
It's A Mixed Bag!
Tea party candidates help - and hurt - Republicans! Pot party candidates help - and hurt - Democrats.
Pot Or Not?
Clinton rallies Calif Democrats in crucial smokeout vote!
Obama: Exporting Jobs Could Be Causing Job Loses Here!
Obama: End tax breaks to stop overseas hiring. "We think this is contributing to high joblessness here."
Human Bones Found In Open Pit!
The scene at a cemetery in southern Arizona was startling - two open pits filled with human skulls, ribs, femurs and other bones. Police questioning Cremations at near-by funeral home.
Opposes Pot Legalization!
Feds oppose Calif. Prop 19 to legalize marijuana. "Some of us would lose our jobs."
Tampa Bay In Trouble?
New Global Plan Aims to Wipe Out Tampa Bay Bucs? I'm sorry, that should be TB!
Really Strange Bedfellows
Bill The Dill) Clinton stumps for ex-foe Jerry (Moonchild) Brown in California: "Jerry's not half as crazy as I said he was!"
Miners Not Talking
Chile's rescued miners mum on nightmare experience. "Bad enough to have to live through it", says spokesman. "Just as soon forget it."
Parking Garage Moving Forward?
Parking garage moving forward as many are now parking elsewhere. "You come back to get your car and it's on the next block!"
NY Yanks Purchasing Another Pennant
Yankees, with two stars earning more than all Texas players combined, rally in 8th, beat Texas in ALCS opener.
Investment Vultures Increase Pressure
Investment vultures increase pressure on Yahoo CEO, Carrion with their activities.
Singer Has Baby Boy!
Singer Alicia Keys gives birth to baby boy, without ever missing a note.
Why Not Legalize & Tax?
Feds oppose Calif. Prop 19 to legalize marijuana. "How can there be any kick-backs with all that legal stuff?"
Profiting Off The Heroes
Man accused of US Navy vet scam indicted in Ohio. He would once upon a time, receive a firing squad sentence.
The Slimeball Wizard
Man accused of US Navy vet scam indicted in Ohio as Vet Charity he asked for help & got it, went into own pockets?
Ann Arbor Struggling
Ann Arbor struggles with homeless influx. Will there be a future "Obama Tent City"?
No "Special Favors" Required
Finally, US Army makes progress for women in uniform, and not without a uniform.
May Have To Share
So you bought a foreclosed home. Now what? Well, it's possible that you may have to share it with family that were forced out. Can't we all get along?
We Agree, Mr. President
Obama: End tax breaks to stop overseas hiring as there are a few people here in the US that have no jobs, or so I've heard."
Base Voters Encouraged
Obama looks to rally base for Mass. governor. "A lot of you base people voted for me here."
Liverpool's New Buyer - What's All The Fuss Says Seaport
Pompey superfan Jake Seaport says: "Can't understand why he went to all that trouble to buy Liverpool! Come on mate - we need an owner. Pompey's better than them scousers!"
All French Decide to Retire Now
The French People today decided to stop arguing with Sarkozy and every single French person will drop what they are doing and retire, eliminating the need for a retirement age.
Tom and Jerry Come Out of Retirment
Tom and Jerry have come out of retirement to make new cartoons. Age has taken its toll on the pair, Tom is in a wheel chair and will have to roll after Jerry, who uses a walker.
Freed Miners Wearing Dark Glasses!
Chile miners wore dark eye shades to get gradually use to the light and also not to see their shadows and have to go back down hole for six weeks.
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