Spoof news snippets from Friday 15 October 2010
Rock star retaliates with pants stunt
Wanabee 'Tom Jones' styled Testo-popster Micky Zee whipped off his boxers and threw them at a screaming horde of female fans, yesterday. 'Take that!' he cried, and stormed off stage.
The sky's the limit
Retro micro-programmers mix jos-sticks and joysticks during marathon charity 'game in'. "The tests were cent per scent", declared Pac Man record holder.
Welsh farmer makes early start on '12 days of Christmas' scene
"The French hens are fine, but the partridge just won't stay in the pear tree," said farmer Dewi Lloyd.
New clothing invention hits mainstream clothing stores
The 'Newtonian weighted vest' can now be purchased for the larger gent. Specialised weights are attached to hooks to keep the vest in place.
Scientists report positive results in Airplane survey
Scientsist now have absolute proof that the noses, toes and fingers of flight staff and passengers become longer and thinner with height.
New Health Initiative for office workers
UK office staff will be required to wear seatbelts and blinkers to counteract the nausea experienced by stress-related Pseudo-Airflight syndrome.
Bernanke Making Plans to Make More Plans About Economy
Fed Chairman Bernanke announced today that he is going to make plans to make more plans about the economy because his stock portfolio needed a boost from any positive statement from the Fed.
Classified Ad #7
Wanted: a decent sheep and an umbrella to complete stereotypical image of Welshman.
Berlusconi's got wisdom !
The much ridiculed Italian prime Minister M. Berlusconi has found the remedy for his hasty and jocular utterances. He shall keep two porcelain tablets in his mouth so as to blur his words.
Musharrf's Great Falldown
Exiled former Pak dictator has fallen,finally-he fell down the front steps of his mansion .
T-Rex Rampages Through New York City!
A T-Rex was seen rampaging through New York City.
Answer to a long waited riddle answered!
Scientist Nickasaur Rawrsalot has answered the riddle, if a tree falls in the Forrest, and nobody is there to see it, can I still punch you in the face? Scientist observed, and reported yes.
The Art Of Car Sales
New Book tells all: Tricks of the motor trade revealed! They call you names like "Scum" and "Dumbo". Some sellers leaving country.
NATO says Afghan working with Taliban one on one to bring peace to that nation a slap in the face of all it has tried to do.
Blob In The Air
Chemical cloud released by sealant plant near Scranton, Pa., forces evacuation before largely dissipating. "For awhile it looked like the Blob", states one viewer.
Second Largest Debt Record
Government reports $1.3 trillion deficit for just-completed 2010 budget year, second largest in modern record with the largest expected next year.
Doesn't Want Obama Embarrassed
Obama's half-brother, 52, marries teenage girl. Bill Clinton offers to go check out the situation.
Good Role Model
Fla. pastor wins car for canceling Quran burning, new house for not killing anybody.
Bernanke: More Fed Bailouts?
Bernanke sees case for more Federal Reserve easing, senior's belt tightening!
First Australian Saint #2
Australia's first saint overcame excommunication after seeing kangaroo flatten Bishop and snickering.
Australia's First Saint
Australia's first saint overcame excommunication for breaking vow of silence after big sneeze.
Taxed Legalizing Pot Would Bankrupt Politicians
Feds oppose Calif. Prop 19 to legalize marijuana. "If we made pot legal and taxed it, the price would come down so fast no one in Congress could make a dime."
Somebody's Looking For Answers
Inside Ask Obama..uh..America: What should Washington do about the economy? Any ideas? Oh come on, you're not trying.
Record Number of Houses Repossed!
Latest poll shows that over 100,000 homes were repossessed in September by banks, loan companies and ghosts. October will be worse say ghosts.
New Sex Show for TV
A new sex show is to be launched by the BBC called 'Strictly Come'. It will consist of sado-masochistic competitions with strict madams being judged on their ability to assail Celebrity participants.
Queen's Austerity Move
In a move of considerable courage the Queen is to scale down her Christmas celebrations this year. Turkey legs will be served with chips and cabbage. Christmas pudding will be without brandy sauce.
New Government Saving Scheme
An attractive Government Saving Scheme has been announced:
Save your time and spend whilst there is still something to spend your money on.
A Good Show
The Whoopi, Behar walkout during "The View" this week when offended by guest, Bill O'Reilly, has raised the ratings 5%. Now O'Reilly has asked them to come to his show so he can walk out.
She Should Know
Oprah Winfrey has accused Paris Hilton of "Buying her way out of jail." Winfrey then jumpe from 76th to ninth on the Top 100 Hippocrates List.
Lohn Loves Peyote
Lindsay Lohan no says she has fallen in love with a Mexican Drug Lord named Pedro Peyote. No marriage plans at the present.
Brett Favre has apologized to his family, friends and football fans. He stated that he had somehow gotten "Tiger Woods Disease" while playing with the Jets.
New Justin Bieber Autobiography #3
Justin Bieber's autobiography is coming out soon. One big surprise. Justin has to shave twice a day.
New Justin Bieber Autobiography #2
Justin Bieber's autobiography is coming out soon. One surprise: He was once shot in the face by Dick Cheney.
New Bieber Autobiography
Justin Bieber's autobiography is coming out soon. One surprise, Justin was once a Brownie.
Gothic Barbie Announced Along W/ Barbie Smokes Alot!
Two more Barbies have been added to the barbie collection, including Gothic Barbie with realstic bleeding cuts and ciggarette burns.
Andy Rooney Helping Here
Andy Rooney has announced that he is joining millions who donate their hair so that sick people can wear it when their hair is gone. Andy's donating his eyebrows.
Here Comes Another Head
In random interviews with people over how they felt about the Chile miners being able to come out one at a time, one doctor stated it made him feel just like when he delivered the OctoMom's 8 babies.
O'Donnell Election Would Save Money!
If elected, Christine O'Donnell promises to save her government a lot of money in travel expense as she will fly on a broom everywhere she needs to go.
The identity of that guy who was offered a million dollars to streak in front of Obama while he was making a speech has been identified. His name is Joe D. Plumber!
Other Cities Looking Into Changes!
The mayor of Cleveland, Ohio demands that his city also have a special day, just like Columbus!
Kid Runs Over Dad!
Midget who live in North Carolina suffers minor injuries as being ran over by his kid riding a Roomba Vacuum Cleaner!
Driver-Free Cars A Hit!
Google has tested driver-free cars for the past month & say things are going well. They have received over 100,000 orders already from various groups who will use the vehicles as a designated driver.
Second "Green Award" Received
President Obama has one again given a special "Green Award" to 27 clowns from Ringling Brothers for carpooling in a single car.
Illegals Arrested In NYC
In New York City this past week over 250 illegal aliens were arrested by NYC police, 48 of them after exiting one single UFO!
Man Saves World, Doing Nothing!
James Holland claims to have saved the world yesterday by not destroying all of us with his mighty hamster like creatures, the scuzbunnies
Obama does something!
Today, President Obama got out of bed, and went back to sleep!
Man Holds Self Hostage!
Local man holds himself hostage, and nobody seems to care!
New York's Brooklyn Bridge has been closed to traffic and pedestrians due to a suspicious package...
...Police say Bill Clinton will not be wearing the posing pouch again.
Clegg Supports the Poor Children
Vice Chair Clegg Leg entertained children today with a song and dance act.'It's to help poor children realise that I'm a man of my word. No leg, no chair, no vice. I'm standing here all on my own!'
NASA Tests Lunar Rover in Arizona
In a repeat of the 1968 film footage of the Lunar Rover, NASA has are conducting tests in the Arizona desert just in case they get to the moon this time!
Shades of Capricorn one.
Forget Iraq, Afghanistan. War Is On Our Border!
Mexico suspends search for American believed shot on lake straddling border with U.S as head investigator loses head!
Some Good News
'Senior Taliban leaders have reached out to the Afghan government at the highest levels,' Gen. David Petraeus tells London audience. All may ask US, UN to leave.
That Little Laughing You Hear Is Cockroaches
RUSSIA TO HELP VENEZUELA GO NUKE! US may provide nukes in nations surrounding Russia. All in all, it's a Win/Win situation for the cockroaches.
Should Be Differnet
ABC bringing back primetime 'INCREDIBLE HULK'. Guy from "Glee" to play David Banner, Rosie O'Donnell gets role for the Hulk!
Obama: 'Tribal Attitude' Surfaces in Tough Times! Apparently hippy generation not pleased with President's policies, words!
Bullying Still Going Strong!
NY Teens Under Arrest For Savage School Bus Attack On 14-Year-Old They Thought Was Gay! Who's next?
He's Stoned Out Of His Head!
Smiling Bernanke ready to deliver bad economic news. Smile accused by some of being "Illegal".
"Aint No Thing!"
First lady Michelle Obama appears to have violated Illinois law -- when she engaged in political discussion at a polling place! Republicans say they plan to do the same if this is allowed.
Taiwan Allows Small Brothels
Taiwan to allow small brothels in law change, mostly small Mom & Pop type whorehouse.
FDA Warnings #2
FDA warns 8 companies marketing miracle cures. "A lucky buckeye in your purse will not keep you from getting pregnant. Try holding it between your knees!
FDA Warns Against Miracle Cures!
FDA warns 8 companies marketing miracle cures. "Rubbing a wart with and old dishrag and burying it will not make it go away!"
Let's Here It For What's-His-Ass!
Obama's campaigning blitz: It's about 2012. Often forgets local candidate's name.
Chilean Miners Rescue May Mark a Watershed in Workplace Safety! Just like all those others in Kentucky, West Virginia.
Can't Wait For Elections
Social Security to announce no COLA for 2011. Looks like it's potted meat and by-products on day-old bread for another year.
Sir Cliff septuagenarian now
Cliff Richard celebrates his 70th birthday soon and all of England are praying that someone will euthanise him to spare us another 70 years of pain. Yeah, you heard right Sir Cliff. Give us a break.
OK To Sue Obamacare
Judge lets states' healthcare suit go forward. Some say backward.
Pakistan To Assist Afghanistan
Pakistan says willing to assist Afghan talks. "But don't tell your best friend where we're meeting."
Mountain Lion At Campgrounds
Kentucky Campground gets reports of mountain lion. Report state: "I'm lost. Need a couple of cows and a GPS system."
One Day At A Time
Those on unemployment say they are taking one day at a time. "You take two at a time, your benefits will quickly run out."
We Can Still Hate Each Other Afterward
Reid and Angle disagree - on everything. Both candidates disagree to disagree.
You Can Have The Tunnel!
Swiss ready to celebrate world's longest tunnel. Invite Chili miners but they quickly turn it down!
Appeal Tough On Dems!
'Don't ask, don't tail' appeal tough for Democrats, especially Barney Frank.
ADWATCH: With campaign ads, don't trust, verify #3
For instance: "My opponent once ate a baby seal and kept stranded whale on beach by pulling against the crowd trying to help gt it back out to sea."
ADWATCH: With campaign ads, don't trust, verify! #2
For instance: "My opponent tries to run over little bunnies sitting just off the road!"
ADWATCH: With campaign ads, don't trust, verify!
For instance: "My opponent sold his soul to the devil!"
Save A Quran, Win A Car
Fla. pastor wins car for canceling Quran burning. Jeremiah Wright beginning to hint about burning one.
Mine Check Is In The Mail
The Obama administration is set to report Friday that the federal budget deficit exceeded $1 trillion for the second straight year. "If everyone in America would just chip in $50,000."
Grandchildren Are Smart, They'll Pay It Off!
The Obama administration is set to report Friday that the federal budget deficit exceeded $1 trillion for the second straight year. "Remember, a trillion is only a thousand billion!"
Same Old Communist System
After Nobel Peace Prize, China targets winner's friends. Good to see all the changes in China.
Elderly Suffer From Scams
Dozens charged with largest Medicare scam ever. Helps explain why there's been no social security raises in two years.
Talked For Five Minutes
Shocking phone-bill horror stories motivate regulators. One surcharge on lady helping in Haiti led to $35,000 phone bill.
O'Reilly To Invite Them To His Show SHe Can Walk Out
Goldberg, Behar walk off 'View' set during O'Reilly interview. "Stalin" can't listen to "Hitler" any longer.
O'Reilly Stirs Up "The View!"
Whoopi Goldberg, a very sensitive person, walks out on "The View". Never expected crowd to applaud.
The View Walkout Was Staged?
Goldberg, Behar walk off 'View' set during O'Reilly interview. O'Reilly stated that that was the plan from the first.
"You Asked Me Here!"
Goldberg, Behar walk off 'View' set during O'Reilly interview. Whoopi sets record of 45 beeps while walking off.
Just As Soon Forget
Chile miners do not disclose ordeal details only saying we all freaked out at first. "Let's talked about the good parts."
Currency, Banking Mess!
Currency tensions persist as markets await Fed. Bernanke taken away from stage after gibbering for five minutes and finally began talking about woodpeckers
See It Slightly Different
Reid and Angle hold their debate and politely disagree - on everything!
Collapsed mines will never be allowed to happen again, vows Chilean Prime Minister.
In future all mines will be have their walls shored up with six month old McBurgers.
Japanese Invent Fast Camera
Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast speed that it's now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.
Minor Rescued from Bowl of Chili
A three-year-old boy had to be rescued from a bowl of chili in a Mexican restaurant in Wolverhampton today. The minor suffered minor burns.
Thought For The Day:
Hmmm. Wonder what's for dinner.
Chilean miners rescue: as the first wave of euphoria dies down, depression could set in rapidly, warns top psychologist.
Office surfers, couch potatoes and timewasters round the world could face flashbacks, nightmares and anxiety.
The King of the mines
"Breaking new, Elvis has emerged from the mine and is the 34th miner to be rescued"
Brown chats up Kylie
Former British PM Gordon Brown has announced that he is dating song bird Kylie Minogue. Many people are shocked and asking why Kylie made such a stupid choice. Brown hopes to release a CD of muzak.
Lucan revealed as one of miners
One of the rescued Chilean miners has revealed that he is fact missing British man Lord Lucan, who has not been seen alive since 1974. Authorities are astonished and want his autograph. God forbid!!
Paris Hilton Admits: I'm A Slut
Paris Hilton today held a press conference to announce she is officially accepting assessments of her as a slut. The press was so depressed by this announcement that they had no questions and left.
Republicans Propose to Lower Expenses So Taxes Can Be Lowered More
We cannot lower taxes any more under the present low revenue projections, we propose lowering prices on all goods and services so we can lower taxes for people some more. This will be pretty stupid.
Smoking Chimp Dead!
Charlie the smoking chimpanzee passed away. His keepers now believe that he was smoking because he was on fire.
Thing Over New York #2
They now say that the thing over New York was a helium balloon. Too small everyone said. Now they say it was a BIG helium balloon that got away from the Macy's parade they were testing for next month.
Thing In The Sky Over New York
They now say that the thing over New York was helium balloons. Why can't people show a little more imagination? What ever happened to swamp gas. Jersey's not that far away.
New Christine O'Donnell Ad
Christine O'Donnell's now has an ad out says she didn't go to Yell, like her opponent.
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