Spoof news snippets from Thursday 14 October 2010
All Incumbants Out?
PAPER: Pelosi & Family flights cost taxpayers $2.1 million. But no raise for social security poor.
Science Project Goes Wrong
Science experiment gone awry forces evacuation of Houston area high school as six-foot white rat goes on a tear!
Housing Mess Now Global
Deal reached in defective Chinese drywall case; hundreds of homes to be fixed as soon as it can be determined if family or bank owns each house.
Hockey Player Cut From Team
Canadian college hockey player accused in murder of fellow student is suspended from team. Some say punishment too severe.
No Crime That!
BARNEY FRANK: It's no crime having pals with money, big old penis!
Stance on Fannie and Freddie dogs Democrats. Pisses on their pants leg.
Let Her Rip!
White House Senior Adviser Valerie Jarrett apologized Thursday morning for referring to a gay teen who committed suicide as having made a "lifestyle choice." "That one slipped out. Also, my comment."
Twenty States Can Sue!
JUDGE RULES: 20 STATES CAN SUE TO BLOCK OBAMACARE! Arizona asks to be first for some reason.
BP Stations Being Courted
Hoping for defection, gas companies court BP station owners. "You don't want to be connected to that spill", says rep. from Exxon Mobil.
O'Reilly Causes Goldberg To Beep Ten Times
Goldberg, Behar walk off 'The View' set during O'Reilly interview. "And Whoopi Goldgerg is such an innocent", adds O'Reilly.
Disney Denies Extra Dwarf
Disney World says there is no such dwarf as Wedgy. Claim outsider came in dressed like the other seven and went about his business. Never-the-less parents seeing attorneys.
Japan Recalls Toy Before Holidays
Japan's Tootle's "Little Boy's Funeral Home Set" being recalled. Kids could swallow autopsied parts.
Nearly Identical Ingredients
Pfizer Drugs, producer of Viagra, now say they have invented a pill that will temporarily cure the blahs.
The Spoof Writer's Meeting Moved
Skoob, Colonel Juan, friends asked to leave bar after causing a laugh riot.
Might Pass Yet
Islamic builders of the mosque & faith center at ground zero say they will include a non-prophet Krispy Kreme in honor of all NYC Policemen.
Same Sex Marriages OK For Muppets
The US Supreme Court has ruled that same-sex muppets can marry. "Since they only have hands instead of glands."
Obama Related to Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh
"War is over if you want it!" reminded an exasperated John Lennon.
Jaws enters British Waters
Never seen before, very hungry Great Whites have been seen swimming off of the British coast, they're sick of eating skinny Australian surfers and prefer the porkier, fattier Brit version!
No Cancer In Mummies
Cancer 'is purely man-made' say scientists after finding almost no trace of disease in Egyptian mummies, many living to the ripe old age of 39.
The Tax Collector Jiggle!
Philippine tax collectors join dance mania. Many at the end of a rope!
Some 72 Virgins?
Australian accused of taking brides in Afghanistan. I'm sorry, that should have been 'bribes'.
We'll See If We Can Fit It In
EU invites Iran to nuclear talks in mid-November. Iran responds "Maybe same time next year."
Ahmadinejad Taunts Israel
Ahmadinejad taunts Israel from border with Lebanon by eating milk and meat at the same time!
Miners Private Lives
With rescue, miners' private lives, miners come to light. "I figured if the thing fell, I would see a tunnel of light either way", says one.
Berlin exhibition views Hitler's hold on Germans but have a hard time getting the crowd to move on.
Ready, set, snore! Spain holds siesta contest. Police keep a close watch out for terrorists with alarm clocks.
Angela Jolie refused to film in Bosnia, she's not muslim!
Angie & Brad are rather upset because Angie couldn't direct her latest epic in Bosnia, she refused to wear a Burka and it was against her religion!
Death Grants Stopped
Death Grants for those in poverty to arrange funerals are to end. 'I don't want to be callous' said George Osborne 'but you can fling corpses into the sea for the fish. You know how hungry they are.'
Old Told to Stop Moving
Anyone over 65 will no longer get free bus travel or winter heating allowance. 'Stop moving around' said Minister for Poverty Inane Duncan-Smith 'you only tire yourselves out. Go to bed to keep warm.'
Early Nights for Police
Police economy measures will end night time coverage. 'We are strictly 9 - 5 now' said Chief Constable Pratt 'most crime takes place at night so we will save on pay and have fewer court appearances.'
Commonwealth Games Shock
The Commonwealth Games ended with England ousted by India for 2nd place in the medal league. 'After all the curry I've eaten' said a sad athlete 'I expected to win my heat with the wind behind me.'
In an amazing experiment Convicts (Cons) are to replace Conservatives (Cons) in a bizarre switch. The test is - will anybody notice? 'I can't tell one Con from another' said housewife Constant Kray.
Brett Favre, 2010: Throwing Picks, Sexting D--ks.
New headlines created for Brett Favre, 2010: Throwing Picks, Sexting D--ks.
All Whites Look, Act Alike!
S Dakota: Dems give free food, fire water and rides to polls for votes on Indian reservations.
Miner Saw Elvis Down In Mine
Rescued Chilean miner Edison Peña, a big Elvis fan, gets free invitation to Graceland. Claims he saw Elvis down in the mine. "He was singing that song..'caught in a trap'.."
A League Of Their Own
Former cop who underwent sex change operation 5 years ago sues LPGA over ban on transgender players. LPGA says they should form their own league.
After Ten Years
Homeland Security, Defense Department to work together for the first time against cybersecurity threats.
Last Man Out In Chile #2
Jubilation anew in Chile as last of 6 rescuers of 33 trapped miners reaches surface."Ground Hog Day!", he laughs!
FAA air traffic control facility in New York evacuated for short time due to possible gas leak, find out there was a party at Taco Bell last night - back at work now!
Last Man Out In Chile
Jubilation anew in Chile as last of 6 rescuers of 33 trapped miners reaches surface. "I'm a rotten egg", says last man out.
Could Be Worse!
New finding: Lenders seized more homes this summer than in any quarter since housing bust began in 2006. "It would be even worse if recession wasn't over in 2009."
Taliban Wants Peace?
The Taliban is ready to talk peace, says former Afghan president who heads new peace council. Plays video of Taliban singing 'John Lemon' song.
West Hording All The Good Stuff!
Iranian president Ahmadinejad accuses West of 'stopping other countries getting peaceful nuclear weap.....technology!'
Don't Go There
European terror plot still active and travel alert remains, U.S. counterterrorism official says. So why not vacation here in the US?
Not A Lot Happening Lately
Paula weakens to tropical storm over Cuba according to the National Hurricane Center. The Weather Channel asks for bailout!
Rwanda Democracy Working!
Police arrest Rwanda's most prominent opposition leader, accuse her of forming terrorist organization, the Political Opponent Gang!
Obamacare, What Happened?
Obama admin to allow insurers to raise premiums for sick children.
Students Join French Protest Against Something!
French students up national protests over retirement reform, whatever!
Dollar hits fresh 15-year-low against yen. Toyota Camry now sells for $50,000.
But It's True
Grandma's ashes mistakenly sold at yard sale! Scopes: Yeah, we heard that one before.
Reid, Angle To The Front
Reid, Angle to square off. ('She bringing her wings?' 'That's Angle, not Angel, Senator Reid.'...'Oh!'
The O'Donnell-Coons Stage Show
O'Donnell, Coons stage feisty debate...'There are more people who support my Catholic faith than his Marxist beliefs'..'You little B....!"
Flush #1, Flush #2, Flush In November #3
'Dual flush' toilets among conservation proposals OK'd by Council. Low flush for #1, high water flush for #2. Claim liberals don't give a shit.
TAUNT: Ahmadinejad heads to border with Israel...drops his pants...shot in the ass!
Queen Cancels Xmas Party For 600 Household Staff.
Official line says this is due to cuts. But insider says: "They've all been very naughty boys and girls and don't deserve a party."
"You Can Have It, Joe!"
Vice President Joe Biden says President Obama has asked him to run again in 2012. Hillary stuck on sidelines, running for President?
Applications Fill One Room
Applications for jobless benefits rise to 4,620,000...a little more than expected.
Plus The Side Effects
Food & Drug Agency warns of fractures with use of fracture-preventing drugs!
Hispanics Outlives Whites, Blacks
In US, Hispanics outlive whites, blacks by years. Most likely reason is that most coming here had to be in good shape to make it.
Prefer Natural Burials
More Americans choosing natural burials according polls of undertakers, Mafia hit men.
New Dam Bridge Opening
Hoover Dam bypass bridge over the Beaver Dam set to open next week. Good luck.
Obama Challenges Pro-Gay Rulings
Why Obama Is Challenging the Courts' Pro-Gay Rulings? "The more of these Dem Senators & Congressmen I can get rid of, the more I can blame them for the first two years."
Buried In The Woods?
More Americans choosing natural burials, natural deaths.
Accidental Petro CEO To Step Down
Accidental Petroleum CEO to step down (probably on banana peel.) I'm sorry, that should be "Occidental".
More Americans choosing natural burials. Several now choosing to be buried in the woods, etc. New wild idea catching on!
Humpback Sets Speed Record
Humpback whale beats long-distance record. Signs for new Disney Movie "Henry The Hurrying Humpback".
Rescued Chile Miners face celebrity status!
Plans already away to put out Christmas album of old favorites sung in C Miner.
Dollar Down Deliberately?
U.S. is currency war's "tomb maker": China economist. "Lowering dollar to quarter will allow them to sell more products abroad, draw in tourists."
Blind To Lead Blind Out Of Ditch
Report criticizes TARP contracts to Fannie and Freddie for managing Wall Street troubles.
Rescued Miners Are Celebrities #4
Miley Cyrus video shows her grinding her butt into crotch of rescheduled Miner!
Rescued Miners Are Celebrities #3
Rescued Chile Miner to have 'minor' role in Twilight!
Rescued Miners Are Celebrities#2
The Daily Blabbermouth: "Rescued Miner seen at night club with Lady Gaga!"
Rescued Miners Are Celebrities
Rescued Chile miners recover, face celebrity status as over 500 ghost-writers are in Chile this week.
Unless They Are Given Back
September home foreclosures top 100,000 for first time. Expect over 120,000 in October.
Like Wearing Your Wife's Panties
New Poll shows that nearly half of US citizens who wear complete head-to-toe veils are men.
Followed By: Thinking Thoughts Week In May
President Obama will request a Promoting Awareness Week in February next year. The President wants everyone to be aware of promotions.
Top Biker Skip Tour De France
3-time winner Contador to skip Tour presentation. Four other previous winners won't compete after failing drug tests.
Best Whistling On A Ballad Award Added
Academy says no big change for 2012 Oscar date despite being on the same night as Country Music presents one of it's 24 different annual award nights.
Military Not The Only Ones Confused
Airlines oppose law increasing pilot flight hours. "They just voted to REDUCE flying hours for safety. Many will earn the same while sitting in airport bar as when flying."
Pelosi Losing It!
With so much campaigning going on, confused Nancy Pelosi asks that candidates quit running in the House!
Black voters may sway 20 House races in Nov. vote. Many wonder how that will turn out...for about 5 minutes.
Military Left In Confusion Here Also
Pentagon in limbo on gays-military court order. Order "Shit Or Go Blind" resolution.
Nobel Honoring Criminals?
China says backers of Nobel winner support crime by awarding it to man in prison. "It's a joke anyway. Look who they gave it to last year."
Shot The Wrong Guy! Send Family A Million!
AP Investigation: Nearly $1B in NYC police payouts as policemen buy their way out of serving time for mistakes, using City funds.
Whale Credits Oil Slick
Humpback whale beats long-distance record. Claims oil slick counting made him slip through the water faster.
Obama Hurting Poorest Citizens
Food prices at two year high. This is during the same two years that social security gets no raise. So Mr. President, there go your Holiday shoppers.
Rollbacks Rolled Back
Walmart Rolls Back Rollbacks: Food Prices at Two-Year High. Liquor store consumers report the same thing, only higher.
"This is your stomach after a home cooked meal! THIS is a picture of your stomach after eating a McDonald's Happy Meal six months ago!
McDonald's Happy Meal resists decomposition for six months and a week now. Owner may place it on it's own website so we can watch for any changes.
Banking Foreclosures Clear As Mud
Banks seize 288K homes in Q3, but challenges await. "We're only moving to a near-by motel", says one husband. "As we may gey to move back in."
Breaking With Handshakes
O'Donnell, Coons square of in feisty Senate debate, beginning with a quick face slap.
Mine's Future In Question
As Chile celebrates, mine's future in question. Yes, amid all the celebrations, everyone forgets the little mine.
... rushes to comfort miners at shaft head.
Swiss Upset to Discover Their Cheese is Full of Holes!
Many Swiss have begun to complain about the holes in Swiss cheese. "Its a rip-off to consumer" say's Olaf Svenson, "Just look at how much more you get with Cheddar, its solid!"
Chilean Miners Headed to David Letterman Show
All 33 Chilean miners are headed to New York to appear on David Letterman. "I thought I could have them do a Top 33 Countdown, "Things that Suck About Being Trapped in a Mine", says Letterman.
Chile Mine Rescue - 'Expert Talks Total Nonsense'
Nothing new there then for Sky News
Barack Obama Feeling Lonely at Democrat Rallies
"The only ones excited to see me," bemoans Obama, "Are the kids hoping our group throws candy. I wouldn't be surprised if the candidates are hiding from me on purpose."
The two remaining trapped miners in Chile have refused to come out.
The two miners stated it took them years to come out of the closet, now that they have and have found each other, they don't want to come out of the cave.
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