Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 13 October 2010
Another CIA/FBI Battle!
CIA Intelligence totally disagrees with FBI on case but, oddly enough, 100% with guy mouthing off at the bar discussion last night.
100 And Counting
Family in Arkansas now wondering not when but IF rich Great Grandfather Belcher will die. "Who's turn is it to take out this bucket of shit?"
The US Needs Oil #5
Study: The United States taste for oil is at the point where we have the shakes so bad that we spill some of the precious stuff every time we fill up our tanks.
The US Needs Oil #4
Study: The United States taste for oil is at the point of selling off your oldest son, BeePee.
The US Needs Oil #3
Study: The United States taste for oil is at the point of many offering ten years of back-breaking labor in exchange for a lifetime supply.
The US Needs Oil #2
Study: The United States taste for oil is at the point of seeing bright glowing spiders crawling all over your Hummer.
US Needs Oil!
Study: The United States taste for oil is at the point of selling your blood plasma twice a week.
Classified Ad #7
Selling: Ayegbeni Yakubu. Has been malnourished for years now. Requires constant feeding to be of any worth. And contact lenses.
What we found in the mine, by a Chilean person
Two hundred pounds of salami; three rare diamonds; one flying sheep and a dying language spoken only on the Isle of Man. Underequipped? Hardly.
Welsh revving up a gear
Following hammering by Neutral Swiss. Final score: 4 to the Big Cheeses; and Tobler-ONE to the Welsh minnows
7/7 Inquest - Witness Says Bombers Looked 'A Bit Dodgy'
Bit of an understatement, that.
Miners staying down there...
Not coming out until Maggie Thatcher is long gone.
New University Challenge Starts Next Year...
As protestors seek to riot against Cleggy Weggy's plans to double tuition fees. Adult rating introduced for first time ever.
No Combat, My A**!
50,000 Non-Combat soldiers left back in Iraq to help finish Iraqi training say they have ben fighting from day one.
CEO Faces No Charges
Lawyer: Hungarian sludge firm CEO faces no charges! Judge: He gave of his own free will!
Show Of Strength
Ahmadinejad makes a show of strength in Lebanon doing five different poses he saw Schwarzenegger doing in magazine.
Chinese Elder's Advice Given
Chinese Communist elders who issued free speech appeal not heard from since!
Drug Wars Continue
Drug war bloodshed tarnishes Mexico's richest city, Hopelessville!
Whale Of A Trip!
Whale of a Trip: Humpback makes record migration from Brazil to Japan. "We think he was suicidal", says Spokesman for Greenpeace.
The Gunhirers !
There's a new home delivery service in your town. It is called the Hire a weapon for emergency use. If you wish to rob a bank,burgle a house, want to shoot someone go and get the weapon you like.
Nancy Pelosi Punked
Guy who asked Nancy Pelosi for urine sample that sent him into a quick turn and fast walk away admits he wasn't with the FBI!
Just Like Bush Two Years Ago
Bad signal from democrats as several of those running for Senate & Congress next month ask President not to come to help them campaign.
Gave Up On The Rest
Wheels beginning to come off the wagons circling a dozen chosen Dem candidates in states that Dems may win next month.
Can't Help Herself
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has checked herself into rehab after admitting her addiction to power!
London pulls two suspicious men from plane before takeoff. They apparently signed in as Orville & Wilbur Wright.
Protecting Our Freedoms!
Sarah Palin has called upon the US President to build a second wire electric fence around the southern border to protect the US and our freedoms.
Most Are In Favor
President Obama names November 15th as National Day Of Hoops & Golf & Cooling It".
UK, TV Lesbians seduced in front of a "stiff", Man!!
BBC launched a raunchy lesbo series last night which shocked the audience. Two lesbians got it off in front of a "stiff" in the morgue (not a man stiff), it promises to be a "dead" sure success!
More Hollywood Breakups
Another couple has split in Hollywood. Going a step further than Courtney Cox and Christina Aguilera, Jessalyn Gilsig from 'Glee' is reportedly divorcing. Who's with Whom? Get your Score Card!
L.A. Porn industry grinds to a halt, they were "barebacking" it!
The LA Porn industry has ground to a halt and nobody is "cumming" the reason is a male actor has been tested HIV pos. and now fellow actors are refusing to cum without a condom, that's so pussy!
Obama: 'There's no such thing as shovel-ready projects. The shit in Washington is too deep!'
Ahmadinejad In Lebanon
Ahmadinejad boosts Hezbollah with Lebanon visit. "I'm the guy who calls the shot", he laughs!
Both Could Be Dangerous
Los Angeles considers more food truck, clown car regulations!
Six Years In Sex Cage?
Ex-teacher sentenced to 6 years in sex cage! I'm sorry, that should have been sex 'case'.
Obama Related To Limbaugh!
Barack Obama is distantly related to Palin, Limbaugh, Michelle Obama, Kim Jong lI, Barack The Impaler, Adam.
According To Research
Barack Obama distantly related to Palin, Limbaugh. All three deny it!
Is the Michelin Restaurant Guide Losing Its Star Power? #2
Survey: Many of these places have food that tastes like car tires, especially steaks!"
Is the Michelin Restaurant Guide Losing Its Star Power?
Most answer survey: "The Michelin what?"
Hugs Around The World
Hugs seen around the world as rescue goes global. Several couples arrested for public indecency after hugs get out of country.
Probing Can Be Rough
Officials in 49 states launch foreclosure probe. Arkansas governor: "It's bad enough to lose your home, let alone being probed."
Another Type Of Rollback!
Walmart Rolls Back Rollbacks: Food Prices at Two-Year High. Several customers roll back their carts and leave after told prices.
McDonald's: The Eternal Hamburger
McDonald's Happy Meal resists decomposition for six months. Company responds that customers will get more fiber the longer they wait.
Still The Same!
McDonald's Happy Meal resists decomposition for six months. However free toy starting to melt.
Slowing Down The Snail Mail! #2
The United States Postal Service still want to cut out Saturday mail. "If not, we'll go on a slower track to protest," say Postmaster General. Most think they've done that for years already.
May Strike By Holding Back Mail
The United States Post Office has once again brought up the subject of no Saturday mail. "We'll deliver three times as much on Monday", says Postmaster General.
Europe Getting Serious
After months of agonizing, leaders of the EU are closing in on new oversight rules to ensure sound finances, prevent another government debt crisis, provide private baths for French whores.
Careful Brushing That Tooth
According to the AARP, brushing your teeth causes up to 5,000 injuries a year. To which the legions of NASCAR fans said, "See!"
Miners freed after two months
One upset because "we were getting pudding tomorrow."
Panel: Movies Changing For The Better
Movies must be better today. For instance the total number of viewers for both "Gone With The Wind" and "Citizen Kane" is less than the number who saw "Toy Story". Plus, you get all the great acting.
Lohan Sets Record
Forget the Brett Favre records in football. Most people do not realize that when Lindsay Lohan reached the legal drinking age, she had been in rehab three times.
The Lines Should Be Long!
Several leading mimes in France have began filming the first 3D silent movie.
Watch out Obama!
Al Qaeda have published a book on tips "How to Kill Americans". President Barrack Obama IS an American - isn't he? I can't wait for their next book - "The Al Qaeda Big Book Of Rocket Science"
Jimmy Sanchez to Be Put in Detention Indefinitely
Jimmy Sanchez, one of the Chilean miners is to go into detention indefinitely because he has not attended college for over three months!
Whoops! Sorry About That!
Cancer sufferer sold everything after being told he only had six months to live... then doctors admit: 'We made a mistake'. May sue hospital for return of furniture, car, house, wife and kids.
Brett Favre Says Text of Penis Was Suppose to go to Wife
"I meant to send penis text to my wife, but not sure why it ended up going Miss Sterger." Brett Favre said after practice today. "I hope I didn't make my wife mad by making that mistake."
Between a rock and a hard place: Among the last to be rescued, the miner who has a wife, a girlfriend, a boyfriend, a second wife AND a mistress on the surface
Gender Gap Narrows After 6pm
Both men and women tend to stand closer together in the evening according to The Pub Review. The gap tends to disappear after pub closing time when often one or more parties are no longer vertical.
Just Disguted Of Parades
Carl Palidino seeks 'forgiveness' for anti-gay, anti-queen, anti-penis puffer's diatribe.
Rash Of Hollywwod Divorces
For the past two years Hollywood marriages are breaking up at a new pace. Many are wondering why! "Hollywood marriages used to be written in stone", says one counselor.
"Six Of One......"
Sarah Palin, Rush Limbaugh, George W. Bush all related to President Obama, Ancestry.com reports. That's why nothing really changes for those on the bottom.
"Oh bugger, I've missed a photo-opportunity" says Boris Johnson.
All flights to Chile are fully booked.
Twelfth rescued Chilean miner's emotional first words:
"Gamu Nhengu was robbed!"
China Purchasing US Fuel Rights
China stakes claim to South Texas oil, gas. Kinky Friedman says "Balls to that! Then we must purchase parts of China. Call Obama off the golf course!"
URGENT: Clooney meets with Obama!
Could it be "Loony and Clooney" in the 2012 Presidential election?
All Chilian Miners Rescued!
Many reach up and kiss the blue sky the very first thing after arrival to top.
New York Islanders player Wisniewski suspended for obscene gesture, name!
Move Over Ben Roethlisberger
Brett Favre tight-lipped about investigation after stating earlier that he didn't know if he'd return to courtroom or not.
Third Night In A Row
Intruder arrested outside Paris Hilton's LA house. Caught leaving while stoned, naked.
School cafeterias to try psychology in lunch line. Fat bullies to eat first.
Town Still Polluted
Toxic coal sludge pollutes Kentucky town, Leprosyville, 10 years later
Cancelling The Bad Guys
Malaysia to use lab mosquitoes to fight dengue. Also release West Nile Virus carrying mosquitoes.
Smells Of Sweaty Pine!
French cram into trains, buses in strike's 2nd day. Some drivers have as many as 10 pine scent deodorants hanging from bus ceilings.
Hillary Still Under Fire!
Clinton wraps up Balkans tour with Kosovo visit while still dodging bullets.
Now It's Food Truck Regulation
Los Angeles considers more food truck regulation. "Anything to get the state's citizens to realize economy mess!"
Kyrgyzstan: First Woman President Makes a Mark
But she's learning to write after hiring private tutor!
Red Sox Owner to Launch Liverpool FC Lingerie Range
This is not the kind of support we need" said one teenage fan. "The quality and range is rubbish. It's just plain pants!"
Taliban Supported By US Indirectly
Afghan firms "pay off Taliban with foreign cash" sent there by the US mostly.
Cal. Governor Race A Brawl!
California governor debate turns into verbal brawl with more adjectives than anything else. Plus a lot of beeps.
Micky Dee's #4
McDonald's Happy Meal resists decomposition for six months! Coroners back up fact that those people dug up over criminal cases still have lots of burger remains showing.
More Cuts in Self-Harmer Services
"This will only make matters worse" states patient. "I'm terribly disappointed and to be honest pretty cut up about it."
Looking For An Excuse!
Security goes into overdrive at Commomwealth Games as losers are in a very bad mood!
Chinese Want Free Speech
Chinese Communist elders issue free speech appeal. Told to shut their egg roll traps!
Drill Or Be Drilled?
Drilling ban lifted; uncertainties still face Gulf. Cuba's drilling to leak more oil on US on purpose?
Yeah, We Heard It All Before!
Obama tries to fire up supporters for midterm vote. Sleepers given hot-foots at rallies.
Chamber: In Your Face, Mr. Obama
Defiant chamber vows to spend more on election to defy Obama. "Does the man even want us to bring jobs in?"
Paula Now Category 2!
Cat. 2 Paula roars off Cancun, threatens Cuba. Could stir up oil spill on floor of the ocean.
We're Ready To Begin
States set to unveil joint probe into foreclosures, purchasing massive quantities of KY-Jelly.
McDonald's Happy Meal Industructable?
McDonald's Happy Meal resists decomposition for six months. Experiment ends when woman filming it has teenage son to gobble it down after school.
Industructable Burgers, Fries!
McDonald's Happy Meal resists decomposition for six months. Fries look even better.
Six Month Hamburger, Fries #2
McDonald's Happy Meal still not molted after six months. "What's in YOUR stomach?"
Six Month Hamburger, Fries
McDonald's Happy Meal resists decomposition for six months. Could remain the same longer than Egyptian mummies.
50% To Be Jobless!
Calif. gov. candidates aren't the only ones talking jobs. "Fifty percent of us will be out of jobs soon."
"Glad I'm Out! Let's Go To Bed!"
Chile joyous at clockwork-like miner rescue as husbands flee area with their wives in hand.
Chilean Miners to Form Singing Group: World Tour in the Works!
Chilean Miners have announced plans to tour as a singing group. Their song list will include, "Rock of Ages", Rock n Roll Music, Roll Over Beethoven, Keep on Rock'n Me Baby, and more "rock" songs.
More Leg Room on Ryanair at Cheaper Prices
Passengers invited to take up offer of new stand-on-your-head seatless areas.
Edinburgh Boffins Develop Drug To Ward Off Memory Loss
"I'll show it to you. Hang On. I had it here, not five minutes ago. Where did I put it? Oh, bugger! Just let me think... I went over there... then what did I do?"
UK trade deficit narrows slightly.
"Does my bum look big in this now?"
Darius Rucker Album Prompts Miner's Return Request
Moments after emerging from a 69-day ordeal in a Chilean mine, the first miner rescued was told about the new Darius Rucker album released today and begged to be returned so he could warn the others.
Mr Ed Rejects Campaign Funding From Wilber
Mr. Ed today rejected financial help from Wilber his former rider on their 1960s sitcom. "Wilber is a left wing lunatic," says Ed, "Heees so far left, he makes Obama look like Carl Rove."
Mideast Peace Accord Reached Between Israeli and Palistinean
Two men met in Jerusalem the week to play checkers and decided they would sign their own peace accord creating a Palistinean state and make Jerusalem an international city belonging to all people.
Local man still waiting for safe release of Chilean miners.
Seaton Carew, apparently used to waiting. Says it isn't a problem.
Elephant to Debate Dolphin for Senatorial Race in Indiana
A dolphin and an elephant using new translation equipment will debate each other as the run for former Senator Bayh's vacated seat. Human candidates baulked at debating intelligent mammals.
Petula Clark Leaves Branson!
Branson Missouri is sad today and people may soon have to find their way to San Jose, if they want to hear Petula Clark sing, "Do You Know The Way to San Jose!" She actually just went for the weekend.
Washington Politicians Sample California Marijuana
House Speaker Pelosi, President Obama and VP Biden to work with GOP for job creation, stopping all the tax cuts set to expire, and to end Democrat's out-of-control spending spree.
Democrats Political Demagogy Desperation Move
Former California Governor Brown got it right! Pres. Obama & VP Biden are "political whores" for accusing the US Chamber of Commerce of unsubstantiated charges of foreign influence on US elections.
Making a Political Statement
Police arrest a "streaker" at a rally for President Obama. The man claims competition for a $1 million prize, but what was written on his hidden body parts exposed a different political story!
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