Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 12 October 2010
Rove Drops 'H' Word
Karl Rove drops "H" word on Obama over social security cut and it wasn't "Horse's ass"!
Madden 11 Available Today: In other news, all of the men in your office with a PS3 are sick.
Madden 11 Available Today: In other news, all of the men in your office with a PS3 are sick.
Lending Money Really, Really Down!
Amount of money lent to small businesses plunges to lowest levels since time began.
Well It Sounded Good
Brit Ministers change wording of voting reform referendum after original 'too difficult to understand'. "It's been changed and update till NO One knows what it says one."
Warden Wants Change
Thousands of prisoners jailed indefinitely for the public's protection 'should be freed immediately and set out by the political opposition headquarters: 'Eoin McLennan-Murray!
"I Have Two Brains" says Stephen Hawkings
"Whereas most of you peons have only one brain, I have two," said Stephen Hawkings in a recent interview, "They aren't bigger, just better."
Wisconsin Doesn't Belong in the Top 20 Says Ohio State
Wisconsin football fans are fuming after Ohio State football fans dissed their team and said the Wisconsin Badgers are actually just overgrown hamsters.
Why I Never Married: Mr. Ed
"Mares! They're all the same!" said Mr Ed in his retirment paddock in Florida. "All they want is more, more, more, more! And I don't have the balls to give to 'em no more, I'mmmmm a geldin'"
Lindsay Lohan's Secret: I have Two
Lindsay Lohan was given a medical leave of absence from prison today when it was discovered she was actually pregnant twice. "She is three months and two months pregnant," said a startled physician.
Might Be Best To Send Him Back
Arizona TERROR: Illegal arrested in stabbing, decapitation. President Obama will consider deportation.
Could No Longer Stand Himself
Sewer worker who survived being washed through a mile of underground pipe, commits sewercide!
Overturning Outhouses Begins Early
Teen Arrested For Tipping 'Port-O-Potty' With Boy Inside. Youngster hosed off by local fire department after being freed by 'Stalls Of Life'!
Asteroid To Whisk By Earth Today
An asteroid larger than a double-decker bus is to pass within 28,000 miles of Earth on Tuesday, but has no chance of hitting the planet, unless provoked, Nasa has said.
Google Actually Doing Something!
Google Inc. said it will invest in a $5 billion underwater transmission network that can harvest electricity from wind farms off the Mid-Atlantic coast. Opponents warn about electricity spill.
Shoe Shot At Obama
JEWISH PROTESTERS HURL SHOES AT 'OBAMA' IN TEL AVIV! Popular game where you toss roped shoe toward Obama Poster catching on in other countries.
Attacks On Gov. Workers, DC Restaurants
Terror threat to restaurants; Al Qaeda calls for attacks on government workers, restaurants, in DC. However, not all that eat there all that disappointed.
Soros No Help This Time
George Soros, the billionaire financier who was an energetic Democratic donor in the last several election cycles but is sitting this one out. "You've made your bed pan, now sleep in it."
Plenty Of Collector Jobs Available
SHOCK POLL: 85% Angry With Economy! Over 10,00 bill collectors disappeared last month.
Payback Time In Nigeria
California to Sell 24 Government Buildings. Ten Different Nigerians now own The Golden Gate Bridge.
Dollar Dips To Quater
Cities Face Half a Trillion Dollars of Pension Deficits. "We could print more money but it would only be worth half of what it's worth now."
Stocks drop as Fed rate-setter rattles investors a bit by saying, "The dollar is worthless!"
UK wicked father hoses down his son becaused he had wet pants!
A UK father was jailed because his son kept wetting his pants so he thought he'd be really clever and wet them himself with cold water and a hose. The boy didn't like it, he prefers the warm feeling!
Meg Whitman Calls Jerry Brown a Gigolo
Jerry Brown, called his opponent, Meg Whitman a "F*cking Whore".
In response, Meg Whitman countered that Jerry Brown was "a God-Damned C*cksucking Gigolo".
It's Only Just Began
Factbox: Oil spill claims total $1.2 billion in seven weeks, including a man who cut his little toe on a tarred seashell, requiring seven band aids.
No Early Bonuses For Poor Old Banks
Not many early bonuses for Wall Street banks, no early or late social security raises: experts.
Other Countries To Drill For Oil In Gulf?
Gulf of Mexico oil spill will push up costs and reduce the number of offshore oil & gas operators in U.S. waters for a long time to come, oil company executives. Meanwhile Cuba can drill, spill away!
Jets Beat The Favre Out Of Vikings!
Jets overcome Favre's milestones, gallstones for 29-20 win!
Cruise Ship Gets Name
British cruise ship named for queen, Brucie The Great!
Supremes To Hear Vaccine Case
Supreme Court hears case about vaccine side effects as 650-pound man greased through doorway.
Russia's Plan To Blow Up Foes In Battle
Russian military looks to invest in inflatable decoy weapons like tanks, naked blow-up dolls in trees.
Ebony Magazine Turns 65
Oprah Winfrey tries to buy up all copies of #1 issue with her 20-year-old face on it!
White House opposes broad foreclosure moratorium!
"We can't just sit back and allow this to happen to our broads", states tactful VP Joe Biden.
Parts Of Earth Drying Up!
Large Swaths of Earth Drying Up, Study Suggests. "We blame it on a drought", says spokesman!
Be All That You Can Be!
Pfizer to buy King Pharma for $3.6 billion in cash, release latest King Pharma Viagra!
Kim's Older Son Objects
Playboy son of North Korea leader raps succession plan that placed youngest brother ahead of him. "He's the same nutjob as the old man!"
Hot off the Press
The wife of The trapped Chilean miner, Pablo Ramirez is set to be the first to have a book published before they have even been rescued. The book, called "Mine Camp" tells of her struggle in the Atacama Desert.
Obama Has Had Book Thrown at Him
Barack Obama has had "the" book thrown at him during a rally in Philadelphia. "The" book was Tony Blair's autobiography which weighed about 30lb was thrown by a protester shouting "plagiarist!"
Lambert Playing It Safe!
Adam Lambert to play it safe for Malaysia concert. Will only kiss male members of the band before leaving hotel and not on stage.
Vaccine Side Effects
Supreme Court hears case about vaccine side effects as Idaho man shows off his second penis. "Not that I'm complaining."
Jump In Whale Deaths
Jump in whale deaths blamed on krill, ship traffic, claims Japan!
China Auto Sales Down
China auto sales growth slows as demand moderates. However, repair shops are booming.
Clinton Urges Reform
Clinton urges reform in Bosnia, bringing back horrible memories of ducking bullets as she got off helicopter.
Hillary Sitting Out Election!
CAPITAL CULTURE: Clinton is sitting this one out. "Another two years with this guy in charge and they'll install me as President without bothering to vote!"
Rove Denies Rumors
Rove denies GOP gets money from foreign sources. "Who do you think we are, Bill & Hillary Clinton in China?"
Alaska couple converts pickup into Radio Flyer car !
Alaska politician converts herself into television comedy star!
Statements likely in Guantanamo detainee's trial !
As that's what usually happens in court cases.
Change In Chihuahua
Change of Guard in Chihuahua Brings "Little Hope", who looks so much like that little Taco Bell dog in those ads a few years ago.
What Housing Market?
Foreclosure freeze could undermine non-existent housing market! Then what would we do?
Book Thrower To Appear In Court?
Attention-seeking author hurls his book at Obama afraid that judge may throw the book at him.
Senior citizens brace for Social Security freeze
Democrat senior citizens tell Democrats to brace themselves for ballot box freeze!
Nobel Prize Controversy
China dissident wants wife to collect Nobel prize. China, President Obama object!
Obama accuses Republicans of peddling "snake oil"
Republicans accuse Obama of trying to "worm out" of causing US financial mess.
Cause Of Sludge Mess!
Company that helped create chemical spill in Hungary brought in on the red carpet!
Japanese Being Closely Watched In Miami
Dolphin hunt goes on in Japan town despite protests from Greenpeace, Miami football players.
Winner Of Booger Prize To Be Announced
Winner of Booger Prize to be announced in London. I'm sorry, that should be "Booker Prize".
Peace Not Reachable #2
Deputy PM: Israel officials doubt peace reachable. "Not unless we flatten everyone around us."
Peace Not Reachable?
Deputy PM: Israel officials doubt peace reachable. "Of course, I'm merely going by the past 63 years."
Side Effects #3
Supreme Court hears case about vaccine side effects and shows court where penis used to be.
Vacine Side Effects #2
Supreme Court hears case about vaccine side effects as man shows ten inch ears!
Vaccine Side Effects
Court hears case about vaccine side effects. "Our Arnold grew feathers around his tail!"
Clash Over Retirement
Sarkozy faces showdown over retirement reform. Tells French that "We simply cannot begin retirement at 50. Develop a handicap of some kind."
Statue of Liberty Captured!
A photographer captured the moment when lightning struck the Statue of Liberty. "Is it a sign from God?" he said.
Pelosi & Reid Not Helping
Is Nancy Pelosi a political liability in the midterms? Is the Speaker and Harry Reid the Dems Newt Gingrich? Turn in November 2nd for "As The Worms Turn".
Forget Big Asteroids: It's the Smaller Rocks That Sneak In and Blow Up! They could wipe out all communication satellites in one day.
Senior citizens brace for Social Security freeze! #6
Seniors say they may make special discount for medicine deal with Mexican Drug Cartel.
Senior citizens brace for Social Security freeze! #5
So this is the 'Caring for the little guy' president?
Seniors Encourage Author: Throw The Book At Him!
Attention-seeking author hurls his book at Obama. Arrested. Promises to turn over a new page!
Senior citizens brace for Social Security freeze! #4
Remember this when we freeze you out of the White House!
Senior citizens brace for Social Security freeze #3
Senior group caught making plans to catch President and lock him in a freezer for several hours.
Senior citizens brace for Social Security freeze #2
Where has the government frozen CEO wages?
Ship's Cheap Chip Shop Chopped
Navy converts chippies on ships into spud-u-likes to reduce impact of cuts.
Senior citizens brace for Social Security freeze!
Tell Obama he can kiss Florida goodbye, also our ass!
Too Much TV Harms Children
Too much TV psychologically harms children: study. "Also evolutionary as their eyes are getting larger & weaker."
Why Not Wait Till They're All Safe?
Trapped Miners' kin struggle with jealousy, rivalries. Argue over whose husband is bravest.
Everybody Upset Over Economy
Who's upset over the economy? Everybody, everywhere. Name your location!
Stabbed man's death not suspicious; he died of natural causes, say bungling Kent police.
They claim the six inch knife in his back was "just a coincidence."
Girls don't just aspire to be Wags, they want to earn their own money thanks to the X Factor, a new survey shows.
84 percent of teenagers no longer envy Coleen Rooney - they now realise they can make their own cash, just like boot camp troll Chloe Mafia.
Russians unveil decoy MIG "jet fighter" stitched together in a hot air balloon factory.
Iran retaliates with a Kalashnikov-knitting program.
One of the Chilean miners admits: "I'm terrified to go back up there."
His wife has been holding a vigil, clutching a photo of their baby. Unfortunately so have his mistress and girlfriend.
Guinness Book of Records up in arms as "33 Chilean miners" story proves to be a complete fabrication.
Turns out only 32 of the men are from Chile - the other guy's a Bolivian!
Justin Bieber to launch his own brand of nail polish.
If this venture works out I may get into women's knickers, he tells the press.
The "vajazzle", or sequin-covered lady garden is completely passé, fashionistas agree.
Mirrorball muff is so last year as style icons and supermodels queue up for the latest downstairs body art - the twattoo.
George Michael "a reformed character" after being let out of jail early for good behaviour.
The jubilant singer declares: "I feel like a new man!"
Mr Ed Comes Out of Retirement to Run For President
Mr Ed of the 1960's tv comedy of the same name, has recently come out his pasture to speak his mind. "I may be senile, but horses don't have half the gas of these politicians. I say....oops I forgot.
Palin Caught Impersonating Ronald Reagan's Horse
Sarah Palin, who recently said, "I'm just like Ronald Reagan." Did an uncanny imitation of Ronald Reagan's horse when she got on all fours and winnied at the crowd of a Senator she is supporting.
Sarah Palin Hates Tea Parties!
Sarah Palin today read a list of top ten dislikes on stage at a rally for Senator. 10 was "I hate people who hate guns." 9 was "I hate people who hate me for hating people who hate guns.
New Spoof Magazine Series Enters THE SPOOF!
THe Spoof inner-sanctum, an insane surreal world that you've never seen before about being a new spoof writer. Now totaling 9 chapters, be sure not miss this incredible story!!
Common Sense is Hard to Find these Days
School administrators don't know what to do about bullying. The jackasses will try something like strip searching 12 year old girls for lost money or expelling a kid having a plastic butter knife!
Former California Governor Jerry Brown was labeled "Moonbeam" in 1978. Some Californians think the former governor is still chasing rainbows, in his campaign to be California's next governor!
FEMINIST 1: What's the difference between a Democratic woman candidate and a Republican woman candidate? FEMINIST 2: Nothing, except the National Organization of Women never supports the latter!
Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee Abandoning Incumbents
The DCCC is throwing some Democratic US House incumbents under the bus, who will probably lose to their GOP opponents, by cancelling their TV ad buys. The money can be used for "other things!"
Democratic National Committee Fesses-Up
DNC admits Iran's President Ahmadinejad is moonlighting as a Democratic operative, secretly supporting Obama. He conjured up the whopper that the US Chamber of Commerce has ties to foreign donors.
Stimulus Package Spending Limitation
VP Biden wanted to include twice as much spending in the Stimulus Package passed last year. "Joe the Printer" at the US Mint told the vice president that they only had enough paper for $870 billion!
Improving the US Economy
ECONOMIST 1: What will be the required unemployment number in November 2012 to improve the US economy? ECONOMIST 2: One, namely President Obama!
It's not Halloween yet, but the White House continues to get more slimed as the November elections grow closer and closer for the Democrats.
Not a Shoe this Time
The Secret Service is investigating a book thrown at President Obama, narrowly missing him, at a rally at Vernon Park in Philadelphia PA. The book was entitled the Wealth of Nations, by Adam Smith!
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