Spoof news snippets from Monday 11 October 2010
Favre Tackled For A Loss!
Accusations may keep Favre records, Favre out of the Football Hall of Fame say rule makers.
Thought You Cared Mr. President!
In his first two years as President, Barack Obama has stated there will be no raises for the poor on social security this year. Meanwhile, Company CEO's of bailed out Compnies still get millions.
Explosives In Cemetery
Plastic explosives found in grave at New York cemetery. Police say in was an insidious plot!
Bacon is the new Apple...
Scientists have always suggested that 'an apple a day kept the doctor away.' But since most of the doctors are now Muslim, it has been found that a bacon sandwich works best!
Classified Ad #6
For Sale: Steven Gerrard. Free to a good home. Housetrained. Only punches DJs and Everton players. Barely English: will fit in in a foreign environment. Doesn't like being left alone for too long. $$
US kill charity worker
US forces killed a charity worker when trying to save her. 'She had disguised herself as an Afghan woman, it was clear she had converted to Islam and was a danger to world peace' explained the US.
Fake Police Only Trying To Help!
Fake policeman made bogus arrests 'to instill discipline in young people', especially young ladies.
Back To Work!
Tories to force 500,000 sick pay claimants back to work. Over 100,000 mobile wheelchairs blocking traffic all around the country.
UK funerals hit by recession, lowering coffins is out, dropping them, in!
The recession in the UK is hitting the "dead end" business of funeral services. Coffins are no longer to be lowered, too much time, they are to be dropped, time is money even if you're dead, mate!
Imus Out Again!
Don Imus thrown off the air again after debate with guest Stephen Hawking over Black Holes.
Maybe Date Not So Lucky
Harris Poll shows that most people that got married on 10-10-10 are just now sobering up!
Due To Mixed Marriages?
China says that captured Yeti looks more like a Bigfoot than a Sasquatch.
The US dollar drops once again. Now lower than the US quarter! Makes it extra hard to make change say resellers.
Israeli Scientists Make Breakthrough Discovery
Israeli scientists have now discovered the gene that is common to all the priestly tribes. They're called "The Levite Jeans"!
72,000 Stimulus Checks Went to Dead People
Or to one sharp individual who visits the nations cemeteries a lot!
Father-In-Law A Hit
New father-in-law only knows two jokes but he never manages to tell them right. So they are always funny.
You Botched The Earth!
Huge new planet that could be a new home for intelligent life refuses to allow humans anywhere close to it.
Lots Of Partying This Election
California's Marijuana Party was way ahead of it's Tea Party until the Tea Party hostess showed up.
That's The Majority
Unliked politicians are leading in polls of unlikely voters.
New owners of Liverpool FC demand name change!
Billionaire bidders lining up to buy Liverpool FC are demanding a new name for the crumbling giant, a Man Utd fan came up with the following Suggestion: FC Michael Owen Ltd (very)!
New Spooners Winner Declared!
"Best Spooner" at national cookoff won by Mrs. Della Dortmuff for her statement of "Betty Baker's Croc Mix".
Lucy In The Ground With Diamonds!
'Lucy' species used stone tools, fossil study says. Also used drugs, after discovery of toned stools nearby.
Imam Back In Middle East
NY mosque imam back in Mideast for outreach tour, see which new terrorists he can smuggle into US.
Head Of Sludge Company Detained
Hungary firm head detained over toxic sludge. Rest of body consumed when he was thrown in last week.
It's Polluted Anyway
Hungary accused by the United States of slipping red chemical sludge into Gulf. "Thought we'd never notice", say accusers.
Iran: Who Is Israel? We Don't See Them!
Israel's PM offered to extend a moratorium on Jewish settlement construction in West Bank, but only if the PLO meet his demand to recognize Israel as a Jewish state. PLO check with Iran, Syria. Nope!
Obama On Course More Than Tiger Woods
Obama hits links for 52nd golf day. "Why not?" ask supporters." "Just as long as nothing much going on in the world these days?"
Cheney: His Greatest Fear!
Cheney speaks to packed house...says greatest fear is terrorist with nuke in a plane loaded with germs and bedbugs.
Moss told Tom Brady his haircut made him look like a girl. Brady then told Randy Moss was hatched in a cabbage field. Tongues come out...shouts of na-na na na na! Moss leaves.
420 Banks Want New Currency
420 banks demand 1-world currency, the one currency that each of them have bundled and stashed away.
New Rules On "Large Firms"!
Regulators planning worldwide rules for large firms. "Men with really large firms should have to reveal that fact to future wife so she can judge whether to be frightened or pleased!"
China Reserves Hit New Height
China Reserves May Hit $2.5 Trillion. Greenspan calls it an "Obamanation".
Dollar continues plunge as 'currency war' concerns linger. Many now urging one currency to be called "Gold Plated Latinum".
In Milton Keynes Today...
At a branch of Lloyds TSB, a 40-year-old man collapsed and was taken to hospital. Paramedics believe that the man was suffering from an inner ear infection; "he just went into a bank and lost his balance!" they said.
Chilean miners stage last-minute revolt.
They're refusing to come up until they've spoken to Max Clifford.
Obama Recruits Actors As Audience!
BACKSTAGE: Actors Recruited For MTV Obama Town Hall; 'Casting Call' as watchers detect same faces that are in infomercials.
Politics As Usual
Obama has the book thrown at him as a missile narrowly misses U.S. President's head. Several there state hat "The book should have been thrown at him a year ago for not being born in the US!"
Obama Attacked By Book
Obama has the book thrown at him, a missile narrowly misses U.S. President's head. This one thrown much better than shoes at Bush, most agree.
Mud Slinging Hits SNL!
O'Donnell calls 'SNL' skit mocking her 'I'm not a witch' ad 'funny'. Dem opponent points out that SNL hasn't been funny in at least ten years.
Palin Like Reagan?
Sarah Palin hints at 2012 run, suggests comparison to Reagan but opponents point out lack of balls.
Queens/Brooklyn Battle Continues
Queens man gunned down in Brooklyn. Queens vow revenge as Brooklyn warn citizens to stay away.
Goonies Thought It Funny!
'Goonies' in gay tortures thought it was a big joke: according to cellmate...former cellmate.
Much Like Obama Last Year
New York-born economist, who talked street vendors into adding extra mustard, among winners of Nobel prize.
Synagogue For Sale
Minnesota synagogue with ties to Dylan is for sale. "It's alright Ma, I only had bar mitzvah there!"
No Sugar Allowed
New York seeks to ban sugary drinks from food stamp buys. Critics point out that there IS no sugar in sweet drinks, only corn syrup.
Mask Of The Red Sludge!
Cracks on red sludge reservoir in Hungary stable. Cracks ABOUT red sludge up 50% among comedians.
Google tests cars that can steer without drivers!
Should really cut down on gas consumption as cars can go to workplace, on vacations by themselves
Chinese buy third of Chesapeake South Texas field
Looks like if we're not going to drill for our won oil here, China will come in and do it without pollution laws, perhaps?
Gates in Hanoi notes the friendly ties of old foes
Too bad that his didn't happen in 1962, Mr. Kennedy, Johnson, Nixon!
No SS Raise Again!
No boost for Social Security checks in 2011! Comes as a blow to most US Spoof writers.
Report: College dropouts cost taxpayers billions !
But provide a lot of great entertainment at sporting events!
I Dodged Bullets For This Headline
Law punishing fake heroes may go to Supreme Court whose members have been bragging a little bit, themselves.
First Things First
Funding Falls Short for Global Fight Against AIDS, but up 25% for global wars.
Mexican Drug Lords Laughing At Police
Change of Guard in Chihuahua Brings Little Hope! "The little dogs are of little use against drug lords near US border", say police.
Worth The Weight...Wait!
Too much TV psychologically harms children: study reveals after 50 years of testing. "Or something's bugging the fat little nippers!"
Flooding Now In Australia
This time it's Australia getting floods as kangaroos, wallabies, one-legged aborigines hop to higher ground.
New NKorean Leader Shows Off
North Korea's heir debuts at giant military parade. Shows crowd how to stand in front of tank until it goes around, grabs military leader by nuggets while crowd roars!
Big Mess In Financial World
Pressure intensifies on mortgage lenders as millions demand their homes back. Many that banks have already resold as some old owners, new buyers share houses.
Should Have Checked With Paul
With rookie Hall at QB, Arizona beats Saints 30-20 in a day of upsets, injuries and betters losing their ass!
New Mandela Book
New Mandela book offers personal portrait. You'll see it right on the front cover.
New Beverly Hill Cologne
Beverly Hills to make a splash with city scents, beginning with "9021Eau" and "Jed Clampett Oil Of Bouquet".
Supreme Court Ruling #3
Law punishing fake heroes may go to Supreme Court. Case based on argument between John Kerry & Swift Boat Veterans!
Supreme To Rule #2
Law punishing fake heroes may go to Supreme Court. Case based on 29-year-old politician who claimed to be a Green Beret during the Vietnam War.
Supre Court To Rule
Law punishing fake heroes may go to Supreme Court. Case is based on Senator Byrd's boast of Army exploits in the Spanish American War.
Politician's Stories Examined
Law punishing fake heroes may go to Supreme Court. Question: Does freedom of speech guarantee you the right to lie like a dog?
No boost for Social Security checks in 2011
No boost from voters who will deal with those voting against it next month...except out of office!
Old Dogs MUST Learn New Tricks
Unemployed find old jobs now require more skills. Most will continue to change as everything subject to new breakthroughs.
No Social Security Raises #2
No boost for Social Security checks in 2011. Too much money spent on Bank, Business Bail-outs.
No SS Raises
No boost for Social Security checks in 2011 for second year in a row. This is how Obama delivers his promises to the poor.
TV Harms Children?
Too much TV psychologically harms children: according to study just completed. The same conclusion that surveys have concluded every year since 1955.
Why Are We Here?
Karzai: Talks with Taliban on for 'some time'. 'In fact, we even held up the UN tanker trucks for them to burn!"
Three New Nobel Prize Winners
2 Americans, 1 British-Cypriot win economics Nobel Prize. So why are both countries broke?
Peru's miners heroes, but fame can be fleeting. I'm sorry, that should be 'Chile's miners'. See how fleeting!
Nicolo Festa the first to be booted off the X Factor
Italian hopeful didn't survive the compulsory Justin Bieber haircut.
X Factor's Mary Byrne gets a standing ovation after knockout performance.
Critics acclaim her as the new Shirley Bassey with the burly chassis.
New OSHA S & M Safety Rules
Increasing numbers of falling accidents (more than ATVs) have necessitated OSHA S & M rules. At least one participant must be handcuffed to the bed frame & all other participants must wear lap belts!
A Vast Right Wing Conspiracy
President Obama has accused the US Chamber of Commerce, the Boy Scouts of America, the Mickey Mouse Club and Sesame Street's Big Bird of being political front groups for the Republican Party!
New Campaign Strategy Unveiled
Democrats have found a new villain to run against namely, Chinese food. President Obama says Chinese food is causing more heart attacks than fast food restaurant cheeseburgers & smoking ever did!
President Obama's understanding of economics is like a novice builder who expects the framing, installation of sheetrock and painting of a room to all occur simultaneously to save time!
Tell Me Another Fairy Tale
After the November elections Pres. Obama plans to make up with business, following months of strained relations. That is if the GOP wins control of Congress, otherwise slamming business as usual!
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