Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 9 November 2010
Vatican Watching Priests More Closely
Vatican announces that it will screen priest applications either for appointments or transfers. "Are you a "pedophile?" will be on each paper, twice.
Close Call For Minister
Indonesian Minister admits reluctant Michelle Obama handshake. "One tailshake and my head would be in my hands."
Favre Loses His Head
Brett Favre leaves game early after having head taken off by blitzing linebacker. "He wanted to continue but he couldn't see where to throw the ball without his head", says coach.
Now Let's See!
New voting study shows that "The Undecided" take three as long to vote as Dems or GOP!
Club Can't Make Up It's Mind
Bipolar Bear Club jump into frigid waters, jump back out, go back in, come back out, led away.
Obama Still Abroad After Dem Loss
President Obama to return back to US just as soon as six-month overseas visits complete. Dems admit he's 'licking his wounds'.
Poop snoop sets up secret cameras to catch dog owners who don't clean up after their pets, finds three bags of it on fire on his porch.
Pruners Pruned Of £20,000
'Butchers' face £20,000 fine for pruning operation that reduced ancient willow tree to a stump. Admit they had a wee nip.
Drunk Diverts Plane!
'Drunk woman with secret stash of alcohol' forces plane to divert after attacking cabin crew, singing 'Old Danny Boy' and crying.
Attention All Airport Searchers!
U.S. bans toner and ink cartridges from passenger planes after failed Al Qaeda bomb attack. Now film shows how to make a "Mule" Bomb.
Teacher Loses Voice
Teacher who lost her voice trying to make herself heard in a noisy classroom wins £150,000 payout! "Thank You! Whoops!"
Sheen Still On Top Of His Game
Charlie Sheen was asked today about he and his wife getting a divorce. He replied, "We ARE?"
Now Beam Me Back
Obama beams over 'sights and sounds' of Indonesia. Says he's happy to have Scotty along for the trip.
Pentagon Reassures Californians
Pentagon can't explain 'missile' off California. Tell locals that it was probably just some terrorists practice that got out of control.
Did You Fart?
Nearly 4,500 stranded on cruise ship off Mexico, all deathly afraid of outbreak of Montezuma's Revenge.
Obama Returns To Childhood
Obama returns to childhood home Indonesia. Told to quit playing in the dirt and come back to see the President by Michelle.
"Coal" TV Reality Show
TV crew gets miner certifications to shoot 'Coal'. Loretta Lynn called in as a specialist.
Pelosi Gets Support!
Should Pelosi continue on as Minority Leader? 100% of GOP in House say "Yes!"
US Rejects UN Call
US rejects UN call to abolish death penalty. Cambodia and Mayamar accuse US of being heathens.
Tough Economy #2
In a tough economy, old stigmas fall away. For instance, Cracker Barrel has opened new discount "Soppin' Bars" with all the biscuits and 24 different Sops, across the South!
In a tough economy, old stigmas fall away as "The Soup Kitchen" restaurant begin to expand across the US with it's cheap Soup Bar!
Big Bang Recreated
Scientists re-create Big Bang in lab. Next they plan on re-creating Big Ben!
Sex, drugs more common in hyper-texting teens, especially those on 'Speed'.
Shook Michelle's Hand By Mistake
An Indonesian minister says that he didn't want to shake hands with Michelle Obama but she pushed her hand in his. Since he is a strict Muslim, he is not supposed to do that. "She was after my body."
Once a Queen always a Queen!
Freddy Mercury can rest in his grave because Queen have proved that once a Queen, always a Queen! A new record deal will make sure that Bohemian Rhapsody will drive us totally crazy until eternity!
George W says he rather enjoys it, and he also likes to play games with whips and red hot pokers
Obama Vows To Improve Muslim Ties
"The Windsor and half-Windsor are just not doing it for them," says Whitehouse aide.
46p First Class Letters
The Post Office announce that 1st Class Letters are to cost 46p.
This breaks down to 6p postage and 40p storage.
TV Giraffe Hamley (RIP) sticks his neck out too far and gets it burnt by lightning
popular TV giraffe Hamley is dead, he was sticking his neck out a bit too far whilsr gobbling luscious leaves from an African tree, lightning struck and now he's got more than a "stiff neck"!
They Would All Fail To Pay
Court clerk arrested for dismissing parking tickets for relatives. Judge asks him what would happen in West Virgina, Arkansas and Kentucky if he allowed that?
Court clerk arrested for dismissing parking tickets for relatives after loud argument with someone trying to prove he was a long lost cousin.
Israel: Iran Threat To More Than Us
US resists Israel call for tough line on Iran. "Remember, if world blows to bits, we asked you first", say Israelis.
US Borrows Too Much Money
GERMANY: 'The US Has Lived on Borrowed Money for Too Long'. Quite a bit spent on YOU', US responds.
Few Journalists Permitted
Indonesia bans many journalists from Obama press conference. Allows only MSNBC!
Bush On Waterboarding
Bush: Waterboarding prevented attacks on Heathrow Airport and London...Laughter helped Cheney's heart condition.
Bloomberg The Soup Nazi!
Mayor Bloomberg's latest health campaign, cutting salt intake has targeted soup as one of the big sodium offenders to be taken down with new ads. People report seeing ghost of Andy Warhol about!
Goldfish To Offset GoldFinger!
Goldfish the latest weapon to protect world leaders at summit. Will be placed in drinking water supply first. "Good as goldfish" saying popular with toasts at conference.
Every Object In Hollywood to Get Silicone Implants
Fearing a future of 3D movies and tv shows, every prop, costume, set, and background in Hollywood thinks it needs its surface depth surgically enhanced if it wants to keep working.
Hillary Comes Home
ELECTION OVER: Hillary wraps up two-week tour overseas. Looks like she needs to go on that Twinkie Diet too.
Just Take It Out Of Your Pocket! Pocket, Not Pants!!
URINE LUCK: New app lets you take STD test by 'peeing into your phone'...clucking like a chicken. Beware of pranksters says FBI.
Deserted Island Being Used By Illegal Immigrants. "Don't tell us we're not wanted. There was no one here!"
Obama Back To Where He Grew Up!
Obama Visits a Nation That Knew Him as Little Barry from Kenyatta!
Scientists re-create Big Dang in lab! Sorry, that should be "Big Bang!"
Bush Book Defends Legacy
Bush defends legacy in new memoir. "I did not have sex with that woman" he writes. "Read my lips, no new taxes!" "Potato". I didn't do or say any of those things. OK OK Nucklar was a mistake!"
And We're Headed Your Way!
As boomers age, 1 in 5 drivers will be oldsters "When I'm 64!" and have became the subject of their songs: "Little Old Lady From Pasadena!" & "What A Drag It Is Getting Old!"
Vatican Says No To Michael Jackson
Vatican library opens white-gloved show on treasures. Several show up looking for Michael Jackson paraphernalia.
Obama: Great to return to Indonesia as President! "You're not president of Indonesia", states furious Indonesian President!
"How Does It Feel?" -Bob Dylan
In a tough economy, old stigmas fall away as many elitist WalMart shoppers now heading for Goodwill and Salvation Army Stores!
Game Getting TOO Rough?
Nearly 4,500 stranded on cruise ship off Mexico after huge shuffleboard skirmish, rowdy fans.
Nearly 4,500 stranded on cruise ship off Mexico. Power loss is the trouble given but yet to be authenticated.
Co-op forced to refund overcharged customers after cashier's breasts weigh down scales as she leant forward.
Sheepish store manager apologises: "I'm feeling a right tit."
Obama Voices Concern
Obama voices concerns about Mideast peace talks. "I am concerned about the Mideast peace talks", he told reporters for the seventh time in two years, 5 times in voice and twice in pantomime.
"Talkin' 'Bout My Generation" Guy Dead
Old guy who led old-timer's song "Talkin' 'Bout My Generation" has died. Family to release his last single, "Talkin' 'Bout My Visitation"!
"Unacceptable" Train Overcrowding To Get Worse Say MPs
As there are no plans to improve the situation, a working party has been established to seek an adjective to supercede "unacceptable."
Job Cutting Twinings Defends EU Grant
"Thought he was good in Four Weddings and A Funeral and he was a loveable rogue in Bridget Jones. What was that one about the Welsh hill... Oh, sorry.. E.U. Ah."
So How Can We Stay?
Gates: US open to request from Iraq to stay but "as you know, Obama has taken all our troops out already."
Obama Kowtowing Again
President Obama says he believes the U.S. is on the right path to a better relationship with the Muslim world, but acknowledges that policy differences like they're killing all of us, will continue.
Dessert Winner From Ireland
This years award for the best dessert at annual recipe contest comes from Ireland, Ms Joy O'Cookin!
Next Time We'll Do It Outdoors
Scientists re-create Big Bang in lab! "I told Dr. Strange to not mix the stuff", stated only survivor among the building ruins.
New Bush Memoir
Bush defends legacy in new memoir entitled, "Dick Cheney Made A Hellova President."
Obama To Kenya Next?
Obama returns to childhood home Indonesia. Next, birthplace in Kenya!
Big Art Discovery
Art believed destroyed by Nazis found in Berlin. "We thought they were funny-shaped rocks", says farmer who had them the sculptures in his barn.
Obama In Indonesia
President Obama arrives in Indonesia. Asks President if they have any dancing children.
Scientists re-create Big Bang in lab. Next up, see why the dinosaurs suddenly died out. Then it's onto exactly where Jimmy Hoffa is buried.
Two Big Winners!
23-year-old is first Canadian to win World Series of Poker with an inside straight. Meanwhile, 24-year-old in Arkansas wins first place in World Series of Porkers, weighing in at 510!
Can Gore Take Any More?
Fla. recount participants hold 10-year reunion. In Tennessee, Al Gore goes on second week of a bender.
Afghan Talks With Taliban?
Poll: Majority of Afghans back talks with Taliban. Both sides say their tired of bombings, being bombed. Twenty five years is enough.
Just announced: Absentee count to start in Alaska Senate race. In Tennessee, Al Gore goes on a bender.
Surprise In Myamar Election
Myanmar army-backed party sweeps election. Comes as a surprise to 95% who voted against them.
Better Than Paper Bag
Court order blocks Okla. amendment on Islamic law. Compromise reached where everyone ugly must were a veil worked out.
Chinese Future First Lady A Star
China's future first lady already a big star. If only one in a million purchase her record, it still goes platinum!
Big Bang Breakthrough
Scientists re-create Big Bang in lab. One scientist later discovers a small universe in his pants.
Big Bang Re-Created
Scientists re-create Big Bang in lab. "It's a big breakthrough", says lead scientist, although we're all completely deaf.
Sex, drugs more common in hyper-texting teens. Later when read back, they make no sense at all. So THEY ALL KNOW YOU BEEN NAUGHTY!
Post Office To Offer New Services
Sales staff at sales windows... stamps on sale... all-day queueing...
Higer You Are, The More You Text #2
Sex, drugs more common in hyper-texting teens. "Josie is drunk. I've got 100 messages about some stupid cow in her class."
Higher You Are, The More You Text
Sex, drugs more common in hyper-texting teens. Sort of like the old drunk that keeps his hand on your shoulder crying, "Ole buddy...ole palsy walsy."
Little Bang Theory
Scientists re-create Big Bang in lab. Tiny universes created. Black holes pull one into it before others can grab hold of him.
It Takes Awhile To Adjust
AP analysis: Economic stress dips to 16-month low. Now, people are getting used to becoming poor, living on less.
Whoever Would Have Thought?
Ex-CEO says BP was unprepared for oil spill. Information shocks everyone who hears it.
Obma In Indonesia
Obama pledges support for leader of Indonesia, called America's best friend, recommends a place on the security council and asks for any extra bucks.
1.2 Million US People Want A Job But Aren't Looking
"We call 'em stupid," says government insider.
Omnibus Treasury Bills
Sarah Palin "deeply concerned" at US Federal Reserve chairman Bernanke's plan to inject $600 billion into US economy through unconventional means. Palin: "He's building a bridge to nowhere!"
Panel: Blackwater Petrol did not put money ahead of safety
... except maybe for the time they poked a hole in the Earth's crust a mile under the ocean, blew up an oil rig, and killed eleven people.
Satirist writes snippet about 'Wheel of Fortune' contestant solving puzzle with just 1 letter
__ "____L __ _______," ____ ____ ___ L_____ _____L__ -- "L" -- _____ _______L_ _______ ___ _____-___ _____: "_'__ ___ _ ____ ___L___ _____ ____."
Webster's Unabridged Universe
A Large Ion Collider Experiment (ALICE) brings scientists closer to universe's origins. Up next: An Astronomically Revolutionary Dimensionally Vast Acceleration Refining Kinetifier (AARDVARK).
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