Spoof news snippets from Monday 8 November 2010
Snow Makes People Believe Global Warming Isn't Real
85% of ignorant people believe that snow falling from the sky proves that global warming isn't real.
Miller Lite Drinkers Not Full
Miller Lite drinkers are still complaining about not feeling full after drink large amounts of Miller Lite.
Another China Toy Recall
China has announced the recall of their "Li'l Carpenter Lead Tool Set". It has lead in it.
Peace for our time
British PM Neville Chamberlain couldn't understand German. The paper he waved on the steps of his aircraft at Heston on his return from Munich in 1938 was actually an order for 2000 Spitfires.
US Grizzlies are becoming lazy and obese, they love the human life!
Grizzly bears are becoming increasingly lazy and obese! Instead of hunting for salmon in freezing cold raging mountain rivers and getting stung by honeybees they prefer "Big Mac's" and French Fries!
Heavy Drinkers Live Longer
New Research: Heavy drinkers live longer than those who don't drink. Apparently enough alcohol has a preserving pickling effect on the body's organs.
No I In Team but...
BIRMINGHAM - A P.E. lesson turned to comedy club, as a boy, 15, shouted out that there is 'no "us" in team, either'. As of press time, rearranging the letters in team spells 'me'.
Cristiano Ronaldo wins libel suit against Daily Telegraph, he's still "poofy" though!
ex Man U super-diver Ronaldo won his libel suit against the Daily Telegraph, he said he wasn't drunk and only danced like an injured "disco queen" to show off his black varnished toe nails!
No Global Warming
STORM: Scientists to campaign against global-warming skeptics as science war heats up!
Texas Get Tough Policy Coming?
'Arizona Style' Immigration Law Proposed in Texas. "We pretty well have no choice with the drug wars next door and Americans here legally needing work", says official.
Prof. Twinkie On Nutrition
Nutrition professor eats only Twinkies, Oreos, Doritos - and loses 27 lbs! "I think I may lose it even faster once it kills me."
Obama Ready To Roll!
President Obama told reporters today that when his trip overseas ends he plans to take some time off and then begin campaigning for 2012.
Jobless Rate Actually Higher!
Actual jobless rate put at 14.2% if you add in all the politicians.
Wayne Rooney gets a supernanny to keep him out of trouble at Nike football camp.
She's under seventy - so not much chance of hanky panky with Wayne, then.
Johnson & Johnson #2
Johnson & Johnson have announced a new pill for erectile dysfunction. Catch their new TV ad: "Nobody knows Johnsons like Johnson & Johnson!
Johnson & Johnson
Another bright spot in the economy as Johnson & Johnson hires twenty-five more Johnsons.
Diana Vickers performs in her knickers
Audience at G-A-Y gig don't notice.
Mostly In The Dark
British Scientists: Neanderthals Had More Sex Partners Than You! But BOY were they ugly!
New Planes To Get Workout
US Airways to add 500 attendants and pilots plus two new airplanes.
Woods Speaks Out!
Tiger Woods in interview says that it was worse falling off Elin that it was off leader board.
Rather Than Be Felt Up!
Woman in Atlanta peals off clothes in line at airport to show she's hiding nothing.
No Hiding Place
Only British citizens are allowed on tours of Big Ben as security fears force ban on foreigners. Special nude tours OK'd for all others.
Britain Really Hit Hard!
Severe weather alert as Britain battered by 70mph winds, snow in the North, up to 3 inches of rain across the South plus that military agreement with France!
San Franscisco To Ban Happy Meals
San Francisco Bans Happy Meal Toys! McDonald's Bans Wearing Flowers In Your Hair!
New FOX Show #2
New FOX game show promise to 'make grown men cry'. It's called, "My Family's Staying For A Month For Christmas!"
For The Third Time!
New FOX game show promise to 'make grown men cry'. It's called "Those Bedbugs Are Back!"
New FOX Reality Show!
New FOX game show promise to 'make grown men cry'. It's called "Following The Dallas Cowboys!"
George Was Different #2
Bows to Indian Parliament, where George W. Bush nodded head and in Hundi stated "Your Ass Is Fine!"
George Was Different!
Bows to Indian Parliament, where George W. Bush yelled "Ya-Ho Tay!" before Laura they weren't Native Americans.
Obama Bowing Before Indian Parliament
Bows to Indian Parliament, where George W. Bush only did a curtsy.
Boomers Break The House!
Massive tide of elderly voters drove election result. Dem plans have "Boomer"ranged.
Boehner Mum On Pelosi Decision
Boehner Mum on News Pelosi Running for Minority Leader, but caught dancing in his office.
Thought He Was Working Overtime
Supreme Court Justice Thomas silence on latest issues discovered. Others vote 8-0 that he's been dead since last week.
Another Egg Recall
More eggs recalled after salmonella found at Ohio farm; thus far, no illnesses have been hatched!
Chavez Launches More Takeovers.
Chavez defends state takeovers of apartments, prostitution, drugs dealers.
The Putin Gang
Ex-Moscow mayor sends daughters to London for 'safety' as Putin's enemies keep having bad luck.
Bikes Built In India
HARLEY-DAVIDSON to build bikes in India. Gandhi's Angels next?
Obama Proven Wrong Again
HARLEY-DAVIDSON to build bikes in India. Backs up Obama's statement yesterday that India creates jobs, doesn't steal them....WRONG!!
You Cost Us Our Jobs!
Defeated Dems Pen Letter to Implore Pelosi to step aside. The ghost of the Dems Present expected next.
Armed Police Crack Down On Clipjoints!
Armed police raids to stop unlicensed barbers, hair dressers, proctologists, .
Obama Criticized By China, Russia!
GLOBAL ECONOMY-Obama returns fire after China, Russia slams Fed's move. Says he will take our borrowing elsewhere!
Your Personalized Drone
New Pandora's box of 'personal' drones that could stalk anyone. Twins are especially worried.
Joe The Kneebreaker Out Of Work
New Pandora's box of 'personal' drones that could stalk anyone...Mafia perk up their ears.
UFO, Pelosi Spotted In DC
Blue-Colored UFO Near DC. Nancy Pelosi says it's there to balance all those red states.
Everybody In Free World In Debt?
$10,200,000,000,000.00 IN GLOBAL BORROWING! Biggest loaners? China and Mexican Druglords!
TSA Searchers Thorough
TSA Fondles Women & Children Refusing Airport Naked Body Scanners! "They hope we do reject scanners", say victims. "That gives them a change to feel us up..look under bigger boobs and check cavities.
"Have You Driven A Dong Lately?"
Woods hoping to reap dividend from China charm offensive. Lost another tournament but may have picked up Chinese sponsors.
NFL Sunday Roundup!
Browns shock Patriots, Jets and Vikings fight back, Buffalo can't win in Canada either.
Rehab Changing Lindsay Lohan
Dina Lohan: Rehab 'life-changing' for Lindsay. "From now on, she's Harold Lohan."
Technology a blessing, a curse for remote island, the same as for everywhere else.
Just Our Sort!
The Socialite Network: UK's Queen joins Facebook. Also, Hyacinth Bucket!
Bloomberg Going Electric
Bloomberg to promote electric taxes in cities...that should be 'electric taxis'!
Researcher IDs Ice Age sloth bone in Colorado. "His name was "Sammy"!"
Clinton Sneaks Back Home
Clinton back on US soil after marathon Asia tour, the slaughter of the democrats!
Playboy Art Auction
From Salvador Dali's 'Melting Cocks' to Marilyn Monroe, Playboy auctions art
NYC Marathon Results
NYC Marathon: Guts from Chile, glory for Ethiopia, search party for Bear Wallow, Kentucky man as he took off in the wrong direction.
Nuke Plant Closes
Vt. nuke plant closes after radioactive water leak, Homer Simpson Lookalike seen on premises.
Iraqi To Split Leadership?
Iraqi rivals in bid to end political deadlock. Could be Shiite president, Sunni VP? Kurds declare civil war.
Can't Hurt It Any
German nuclear waste train arrives at destination, Chernobyl!
Obama: India A World Power
Obama hails ties with 'world power' India. "I think I have a couple half-brothers here also", he tells Indian reporters.
Myanmar Another Burma!
Thousands flee Myanmar clashes after election. Leaders: We said you can vote, not that it counted!
Attention Hypocrite Watchers!
MSNBC says Olbermann will be back on air Tuesday...that is if anyone cares to see a genuine modern hypocrite.
A Wart From Them Could Be Rough
Vt. nuke plant closes after radioactive water leak. Neighbors report six-foot frogs outside their homes.
Independent Panel May Blame BP
Independent panel to share findings on Gulf spill. Many think they will blame BP but that's just a guess.
GOP Repairing Image
Victorious GOP sets out to repair image! Look for a much slimmer elephant in the room.
Victorious GOP To Repair Image
Victorious GOP sets out to repair image. "No more Big Government no matter what!"
But We Gave Them A Proper Thrashing
Pentagon chiefs: Afghans can manage by 2014. That's when we leave and Taliban return.
Broadband Growing #2
Broadband usage growing even as gaps persist, although men say they expected more broads.
Broadband usage growing even as ..............gaps persist!
Nuke Plant Leak #2
Vt. nuke plant closes after radioactive water leak. Citizens nearby notice they could see their pee in the dark!
Nuke Plant Leak
Vt. nuke plant closes after radioactive water leak. Fish walking out of the water.
Just Needs A Good Shaking
Italy: More building collapses at Pompeii possible. Leaning Tower of Pisa included also.
"Indefinitely" Apparently Meant 2 Days!
Keith Olbermann returns to MSNBC on Tuesday. Of course, no one will believe a word he says but most didn't anyway.
Olbermann Back At PMSNBC
Keith Olbermann returns to MSNBC on Tuesday. "Permanent" changed to two days so do anything you like.
Banks Homeless Also
Homeowners say loan modifications led them to foreclosure. "I hope they lose their bank", say many.
Kept Changing Us Around
Homeowners say loan modifications led them to foreclosure. "Offered lower payments, longer terms, then raised them!
Get You A Following & Write Yourself In!
Republican Sen. Lisa Murkowski is on the cusp of vindication after waging a high stakes - and long shot - write-in campaign to keep her job. Many expected to write in their own names in 2012.
Write-In Wins Senate
Republican Sen. Lisa Murkowski is on the cusp of vindication after waging a high stakes - and long shot - write-in campaign to keep her job. "See. Never give up on Mickey Mouse & Santa Claus!"
Obama The Politician
Obama supports India on UN Security Council! May make that offer to everyone on this trip.
Obama Making Promises
Obama supports India on UN Security Council. Pakistan: Thanks a lot, Traitor! Obama supports Pakistan on UN Security Council!
David Cameron buzzes ahead with plan
David Cameron has gone ahead with his controversial plan to cut benefits. When asked what's next, he said, "state pensions, the NHS and coke," whilst trying to clear his nose.
George W. Bush Presidential Library to be a Bookmobile instead
On a media blitz to promote his new memoir 'Decision Points', Mr. Bush announced that his new library will in fact be a bookmobile for children. 'My Pet Goat' will be included in the collection.
Theme From 'Been'
Michael Jackson's family still say that is not him on new album release. "Michael never sung no tune from a movie called "Been!"
Heather Retains Sense Of Humor
Paul McCartney's ex-wife Heather Mills says she's not a gold digger. "I'm a pirate. I took Paul's bounty. See my wooden leg!"
Driving In Your Sleep?
Study shows that you can take a sleeping pill and still get up in your sleep and drive away somewhere in the middle of the night. Actually only one person said that...to his wife.
Pelosi Won't Leave
As you know, Democratic speaker of the house, Nancy Pelosi is now leaving that position and she wants to be the Minority Leader of the House. "I can still tell a Bush joke with the best of them!"
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