Spoof news snippets from Sunday 7 November 2010
He's An Old Hippy!
Local man turns 65, desperately hanging onto Dylan and the Dead!
Israel Turns To U.S. For Help
Netanyahu to press U.S. for military threat on Iran. "They won't listen to us because we don't exist."
Long Dry Spell
Slim hope for change in 1st Myanmar vote since '90. That's 1890!
Iran Takes On Weaker Foes First
Iran, showing off it's new military might, asks Canada to apologize or else, even if you haven't done anything. You want a piece of us?
Bush Remembers His Pony
In new book, Bush remembers getting a pony for his birthday. "I had only been out of the National Guard for a couple of weeks and daddy comes over..."
Study shows that due to so much reality TV, people will now average 18 minutes of fame each.
Big scandal with infomercials as it has been discovered that cheering crowd has been hand-picked!
Freedom of Speech Attacked As Too Liberal by Repulicans
Washington, D.C. - An outcry among tea party, and Repulican party members, as allowing everyone eaqual speech rights is deemed too Socialist. The Bible Belt has been restricted from doing anything.
Each Blames The Other
Archaeologists say that they have misplaced complete Brontosaurus skeleton they dug up last week in Montana.
Here's Your Fortuneless Cookie
Los Angeles votes to remove all fortunes from fortune cookies. "Fortune influences children to eat sweets not good for them, just like the Happy Meal."
This Time Forever!
(Place Hollywood couple's name here) say that this time it's the real thing for both of them!
S.F. Passes Ne Law
San Francisco passes bill to outlaw smoking at your residence.
Free Health Insurance?
Peoples Republic of China may pay for all Americans to have free insurance. "What else are we going to do with a skyscraper full of $100 bills, build another one?"
Swimsuit Contest To Continue During The Whole Show
Due to low ratings, Miss America Contest to be moved to Mexico. "They wear a lot less down there", states producer.
It Was Just The Right Time!
The Odd Fellows have decided to come out of the closet! Been in there since 1452!
"I'm Not Touching That!"
Bottle with message tossed into Lake Superior twenty-One years ago pops up in New Orleans man's commode!
Must Cut Costs!
Congress votes itself a 10% raise. "Thought we'd help the newcomers", says 30-year veteran. "We do that every two years."
Apple to release own version of SimCity
Not to be outdone by EA Games, iCity will only feature rich, white and obnoxious cities, such as Manhattan and Central London
Men say the new Levitra Patch works great and for a week. However, "It takes a lot of hair and skin when you tear it off.
Message From Titan!
Message from Titan: "We have caught rogue probe gang and fribbled them."
UFO Study Group Back!
Air Force UFO Scientists back at building, asking for some hemorrhoid cream.
Air Force Scientists Disappear
Air Force Bureau of UFOs closes after disappearing overnight. "That will help budget", says GOP. "See if they'll take PETA!"
Bush Book Excerpts
Bush Book: And I'm drunk and sitting next to a beautiful woman, friend of mother and dad's. And I said to her out loud "what is sex like after 50?".' Then Laura says, 'You'll never know!"
Five Star Hotel For Patients
NHS hospital is putting patients up in five-star hotel rooms
as more patients come in complaining that they have a bone in their leg.
Red Carpet Blown Away
Winds blow away red carpet laid out for Obamas' send-off. Lower classes brought for them to walk across their backs.
Another Midcourse Correction
Obama says 'midcourse corrections' to come at home. Secretary of State Hillary to be moved to ambassador to Azerbaijan.
The Excitement Builds
Voters choose new parliament in Azerbaijan! Stay tuned to TheSpoof, the only site carrying all the Azerbaijan updates!
"Having Even Seen A Budget!"
Rand Paul wants to cut budget but short on details. After all, he's been in Washington for 4 days.
Obama Dancing Up A Storm!
Obama dances, celebrates Diwali in India. Does it wrong and causes six inches of rain. Many events canceled.
GOP Strikes Back!
Republicans tell Obama no use in running to India to learn to charm snakes. They've already imported instructor here.
Obama Lightening Up
Obama starts second day in India on lighter note. "Yesterday he was dancing, today he's learning to play music to charm snakes. Should help him in Washington", says Indian Newspaper.
They're ALL There
Friends: Boehner no Washington D.C. 'insider'...except for the bars of course.
"That's Not My Son!"
Michael Jackson: SONY Sets Dec 14 Release Date for 'New' CD. Family claims it's not real. "Listen to that one he's singing with Elvis", says Joe Jackson.
Clinton: Won't Run For President
CBS: Hillary Clinton Rules Out 2012, 2016 Presidential Runs. But wouldn't say 'No' to a VP offer.
Black GOP Part Of Tea Party
Fla's first black GOP rep says effort to paint Tea Party as racist failed. "Most tea is black", he states in Fla. paper.
Putin Pootin Around
Putin races Formula One car in new stunt. Announces that he will play for the Buffalo Bills in their last game of the season.
Certainly Appeared Like It At Times
Muslims dismissive of Obama's visit..."Thought he was one of us."
Obama: Me Too!
Security panic after cop guarding Obama hotel shoots self in leg. "I know exactly how he feels", says Obama.
Obamas dance up a storm in Mumbai. Republicans dance it up in Washington!
Passenger In Disguise!
Man uses elaborate disguise to get into Canada. Though most confessed later that they thought Nixon was dead.
Bush On Book Tour #2
Bush on book tour keeps accidentally signing his tie.
Bush On Book Tour
Bush to speak with Lauer, Winfrey, Leno, others...but none with higher IQ's than these.
Wyoming, West Virginia lead in chewing tobacco use, number of singles!
Sloth Bone, New Political Nickname Found
Researcher IDs Ice Age sloth bone in Colorado. "They tend to rot very slowly."
Driverless Taxis Next?
Bloomberg to promote electric taxis in cities. Prepare for your hair to stand straight up when visiting NYC. Of course, it does anyway over taxi driver's driving.
You Lost, Get Over It! #2
Remainder of Dems in House, Senate call Obama and tell him they're headed for India also!
You Lost, Get Over It
MSNBC Analysis: Tea Party lawmakers must be willing to be unpopular. Except with the voters, apparently!
Pelosi Announces She Will Be Minority Leader
Pelosi will seek to stay as House Dem leader. Dems across nation wonder how to deal with Obama's nose in the air, Pelosi's eyebrows in the air.
Pelosi More Humble
Pelosi will seek to stay as House Dem leader. "I'm simply the best", she declares!
Alarm Glitch Warning #2
Alarm glitch could have iPhone users scrambling. "Fired Postal worker with machine gun jut around that next corner!"
Alarm Glitch Panic
Alarm glitch could have iPhone users scrambling: "Warning, this iPhone is actually a terrorist bomb!"
No Kidding, Chester?
Missing turbine part key to A380 emergency probe. Airline says that it was probably needed for turbine to work.
No Problem With That Here
Japan says it will open up economy, seek more FTAs. Demand citizens not to save so much.
Paul Not Afraid To Speak
Sen.-elect Paul: GOP must consider military cuts. "For instance, let's bring those 50,000 in Iraq after Obama pulled our troops out, to come guard our southern border."
Until Then, Docs Don't Know Ass From Hole In Ground
Ryan: 2013 earliest to repeal health care law. Prepare for a lot of confusion between.
Cantor Objects To Pelosi
Cantor: If Pelosi stays, then Dems don't get it! Pelosi tells Cantor, "You don't have to sing it like that!"
Terrorism threats in Indonesia worry US officials. "Us too", say Indonesians.
Obama: I May Never Return To US
President Obama: "Economy is recovering but at a (mumble) case. What? OK OK! At a 'snail's' pace! You happy now?"
Keep Gays In Military
Marines' leader: Keep policy on gays in military, big boys!
No Baggage Allowed?
LA police search train for suspicious baggage. Many airlines say they may only allow a carry-on from now on. People can ship clothes ahead in x-rayed boxes.
Another Emergency Landing
AirTran flight makes emergency landing in Tennessee. Pilot says it was a plot that some on board wanted to see Country Music Hall of Fame.
Mosquitoes Versus Mosquitoes
Wiping Out Mosquito-Borne Diseases - With Mosquitoes! Patients to swallow the live insects.
The Shadow Knows
Economy recovering, but recession's shadow is long. Who knows how long it is? The Shadow Know! Claims it's a whopper.
Coming Out Of The Closet
Many Moms say that they are relieved when sons come out of the closet. "It's always such a sticky mess to clean up", says one.
Repeal Gay Ban
Gates urges Congress to repeal gay ban now. Comes out of the closet.
Now Ye Know!
Many ask who started Daylight Savings Time. It was Ben Franklin who had been out too long drinking ale at night and had tremendous hangovers.
Obama says 'midcourse corrections' to come at home. Family garden replaced by marijuana patch.
Guinea Vote Goes Ahead
Guinea vote goes ahead as ethnic tensions simmer, pop out all over the stove.
Russian Vets Protest
Rallying Russian vets say defense minister must go. "He wouldn't have the courage to destroy the earth with missiles!"
The Waste Train
Train track protests, melting of tracks, slow nuclear waste in Germany.
Signs You're Exercising Too Much!
Among the 10 Signs You're Exercising Too Much, experts say "Fatigue" is one of them. So hat lets most of us of the hook as many of us get fatigue from walking to the car.
What Did We All Approve?
Obama says 'midcourse corrections' to come at home. "For one thing, SOMEBODY has to read that whole Health Care Bill!"
Gay Greeks hold a "Kiss-In" while Pope is visiting. "Just as long as that's all they're doing", stated the Pope. "The Greeks have a reputation from many years ago."
Here Comes The Wast Train #3
German protesters mobilise against nuclear waste train. "Hold signs: "Hell No, We Won't Glow!"
Obama dances with Indian children for hours. May rule US from India.
Here Comes The Waste Train #2
German protesters mobilise against nuclear waste train. Authorities tell them it's only passing through and headed to Poland just kidding of course..it's going elsewhere.
Here Comes The Waste Train
German protesters mobilise against nuclear waste train. Government warns this not to get close. You could go blind but trust us on this.
We'll Do As We Please
Obama urges India, Pakistan to improve relations. Pakistan, India urge President to keep his yap shut.
Nigella Kitchen To Go 3D
Reinforced glasses required for viewers. Literally eye-popping.
Molinari Wins Close One
Molinari holds steady to win HSBC Championship. Tiger Woods finishes...oh who cares about Tiger Woods?
APEC meetings open this AM with talk of Pacific Rim FTA. Something about free trade. Can't read initial talk. LOL.
Volcano Burns Travel Plans
Indonesian volcano sparks travel chaos as millions of tourists go elsewhere.
Pope In Spain
Pope defends family as Spanish gays hold 'kiss-in'. Pope washes hands in front of heads of state.
Preparing For Austerity Here?
Local Greek vote a big test for austerity measures. Obama, congress tell Americans to look toward our future unless we do something now!
Preparing For Austerity
Local Greek vote a big test for austerity measures. All Parties thrown big ones before approval.
Alarm Over Mail From Yemen
UAE airlines ban Yemen cargo after mail bomb plot. General statement worldwide: Do Not Open Mail From Yemen Before Or After Christmas!
Pot Dow, Meth Up!
Marijuana voted down in California. Cheap meth ingredients available everywhere.
Race Against Time Bombs
Around the world, a race against time bombs in air. UPS, competitors in a world of hurt.
72% Unwed Mothers
Blacks struggle with 72 percent unwed mothers rate. Correction: Black women and children struggle!
Repeal Gay Ban!
Gates urges Congress to repeal gay ban now. "We need as many Butch women as we can get!"
Myanmar holds rare elections amid heavy criticism, heated and debates held with hatreds. Lies and false promises! Much the same as here.
Midcourse Corrections #5
Obama says 'midcourse corrections' to come at home. "No more beer conferences. Form now on they're 'The Bourbon Bunch'"
Midcourse Correstions #7
Obama says 'midcourse corrections' to come at home. "Pelosi is out of the Speaker of the House and is being replaced by Mary Bono."
Midcourse Corrections #6
Obama says 'midcourse corrections' to come at home. "I just became an Independent."
Midcourse Corrections #4
Obama says 'midcourse corrections' to come at home. "Michelle's mother is out on her ass!"
Midcourse Corrections #3
Obama says 'midcourse corrections' to come at home. "I've gotten rid of the water dog and got us a Manx cat."
Midcourse Corrections #2
Obama says 'midcourse corrections' to come at home. Joe Biden is fired. Rand Paul will become VP!
Obama says 'midcourse corrections' to come at home. "I'm canceling the first two years and starting over."
Bio-Scientists say no to viagra, buy young "pussies" instead!
Bio-Scientists meeting in Oslo advise ageing men to stop taking viagra and replace it with licking young "pussies", ageing women should go 4 x a year to Kenya and suck on black, hard licorice sticks!
Missing Milliband Brother Found
Steve Milliband, the brother of Dave and Ed has been found. He is not to be confused with the popular 1970's beat combo.
Boris Johnson has a lie in
London Major Boris Johnson has had a lie in. He is reading the Sunday Times, and having a lazy day. The Daily Mail are investigating.
"Star-Whackers" insulted by Quaid allegations
The group calling themselves the Star-Whackers responded to Randy Quaid's recent accusations that they're out to get him. "Hey, we only whack A-listers. Who does he think he is?"
Dos Equis announces replacement for The Most Interesting Man in the World
The new ad campaign will feature The Least Interesting Man in the World.
The Most Interesting Man in the World announces retirement
Will spend his remaining years being "uninteresting".
Study: GEICO Ads take up 15% or more of air-time on television
Study also reveals that GEICO can not only save you 15% or more on car insurance, the commercials can actually save you 15% or more of your time watching bad tv shows.
American astronauts cast ballots in orbit
NASA made arrangements with county officials to allow votes cast from beyond Earth's gravitational field. Maybe I should have been an astronaut. My votes don't seem to carry any weight either.
George Bush still doesn't care about black people
In his new memoir, Decision Points, the former President says the worst moment in his presidency was not the misery of Hurricane Katrina, but when Kanye West insulted him about it afterwards.
Bent over backward? Try forward!
President Obama sees potential for compromise with Republicans heading into negotiations. Normally astute liberal still doesn't realize these conservatives don't compromise.
Indian media report that Obama is "hitting all the right notes" on his visit. This is no easy feat - much like the U.S. Congress, the music of India does not emphasize harmony.
Putting the "Last Action" in Last Action Hero
U.S. will hunt for al-Qaeda operatives in Yemen using Predator drones. Meanwhile, apathetic Schwarzenegger paces California governor's mansion droning about having to complete term.
"I said you're not playing offense today!!"
Nancy Pelosi head-butts former National Football Logo quarterback Heath Shuler, North Carolina Blue Dog Democrat, after he says he will challenge her if she runs for House Minority Leader.
Middle class only expanding around the middle
GOP aims to fatten up bank accounts of wealthiest 2% with money meant to provide affordable health care for average Americans. Like the 42 million living below the poverty line, for instance.
Meg Whitman cuts 30,000 jobs
Former eBuy executive Meg Whitman, who invested $140 million in a gubernatorial campaign to run California "a little bit more like a business," has failed. Exhausted campaign workers go home.
A mountain of voter response
Now that the dust is settling after the midterm elections, President Obama announces millions of unanticipated new jobs -- cleaning up all the dust that is settling after the midterm elections.
Dubya graduates in top 2% -- of tax bracket
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell says on Saturday that Republicans will not agree to tax relief for Americans unless their old pal, George W. Bush, gets his fair share.
President Obama aligns trade chakra
Announces $10 billion in new exports. Auspicious deal hopes to transfer gallons of U.S. red ink to call centers and back offices in India - as red dots on the foreheads of women working there.
Food for thought
All you can eat in London for a fiver ! 150 quid on train to get there !!
Germany minister now warns of terror attack threat after several packages blow up in back room of 45 postal services.
Inner City Honor Students
Mayors across the US say that they have a lot of inner city honor students. "They go every weekend saying "Yes your Honor, No your Honer!"
Economy In Slow Recovery
Many businesses say that the economy in the US is still sluggish and that they may have to let go illegals.
Dannii Minogue Appears On X-Factor Sporting New Haircut
Apparently she uses the same hairdresser as Steven Gerrard. That one with the seeing eye dog and the white stick.
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