Spoof news snippets from Saturday 6 November 2010
Bomb Threat In Arkansas
A scare .at a WalMart in Little Rock, Arkansas today as a bomb threat was phoned in. People were led out of the store and into the WalMart across the street
John Boehner Taking Over
Ohio Republican John Boehner will now be taking over from Nancy Pelosi as Speaker of the House. John was reminded today that those are pretty high eyebrows to step into.
Obamas Tell Feds To Print More Money!
Not since the days of the Pharaohs or the more ludicrous Roman Emperors has a head of state traveled in such pomp and grandeur as the President of the United State, Obama The Grape..Great!
Pompeii Loses Historical Landmard
2,000-year-old "House of the Gladiators" in ruins of ancient Pompeii collapsed today, as many accuse the Italian government of not doing enough to safeguard a world treasure. Most say "Probably not!"
72% Unwed Mothers
Blacks struggle with 72 percent unwed mothers rate with wives and grandparents raising the kids.
Neither Rain, Snow Etc, But Not Bombs
Around the world, a race against time bombs in air as new terrorists activity with mailing bombs.
US Secret Surveillance
Sweden says US has carried out secret surveillance, especially of our women on the beaches.
Jakarta, Tokyo Grounding Planes
Fear of volcanic ash cancels flights to Jakarta. Meanwhile, Japan has grounded most planes in and out of Tokyo due to rumors of Godzilla being back in the area.
Elementary My Dear, Watson
Bernanke defends new Fed plan to boost economy. "Any idiot would know that if you print more money you have more money!"
Obama calls India creator, not poacher, of US jobs. Oh yes, we have Indian companies in every county!
Owen Hargreaves Is Back At Last!
China In Charge?
Japan takes half-step towards U.S.-led trade pact. The U.S. takes half step. China says we didn't say "May I?"
Is That Worth Less or Worthless?
Bernanke Attempts to Soothe Doubters! Printing money doesn't cause any harm. If the dollar is worth less, more people can buy our products, especially our own people.
GOP Encourages Pelosi Run!
Nancy Pelosi Announces Run for Democratic Leader as Dems go running in opposite direction!
152 Arrested In Oakland Protest
152 Arrested in Oakland Cop Sentencing Protest. They have received a two-year sentence each, same as the cop.
Gotta Start Somewhere
Obama Announces $10B in India Trade Deals to offset $10B in interest we owe on national debt this month.
Learn To Live With Bedbugs?
Scientists say that there is no way to get rid of bedbugs. "They have built up immunity and even if you can kill 98% by heat, cold, the other 2% will begin growing in numbers again.
US Soldiers Still Fighting
U.S. soldiers fend off attack in Iraq. The tenth major battle since President Obama pulled U.S. troops out!
Brides Dropping White Dresses
Brides buck tradition and ditch the white dress. "Actually, how many of us are virgins?" asks one in bikini.
Careful What You Eat
Cheese linked to E. coli, sausage linked to high risk of heart attacks!
Old-Man Disguise Almost Worked
Canadian authorities are investigating an "unbelievable" incident in which a passenger boarded an Air Canada flight disguised as an elderly man but was caught when nose tip dropped off in hot coffee.
Dem Loser Speaks Out!
Loser Sink says the White House is "tone deaf" when it comes to understanding how its actions being greeted by the majority of Americans. "You would think that with the size of those ears, he'd hear."
Such A Man!!
Pope makes pilgrimage visit to Spain to lay a wreath at the grave of St. Francisco Franco.
Mexico reports that Drug lord #2 killed in Mexico border clash with Marines.
US & India United!
Obama: U.S., India united against terror, horror, pissing your pants apprehension!
Today's News From The Isle Of Man...
Al-Qaeda Group Claims Cargo Bombs
"Yup - they're the ones... knew we'd put them down somewhere. Can we have them back please? Ta"
Thought For The Day:
"Hm... bath or shower. Bath? Shower?..."
Pope Warns Of Spanish Secularism
"Could be as bad as Dutch Elm, German Measles, Spanish Flu..." says Vatican source.
Do You Have Your Red, White & Blue Card?
Mexican President promises it's people that they will crack down on illegal aliens from up north, taking their jobs away!
May Lose Trophy
Last year's winner of the National Spelling Bee accused of using Gingko Biloba.
PETA Getting More Respect
PETA says they expect more people to listen to them after yesterday's announcement that they now had nuclear weapons.
Thin Model Study
Study shows that while many thin models are making good money, several are falling through the cracks.
Dark Cloud In Silver Lining
United States employees increase partially due to so many hired to tear down old auto factories.
GOP Cracking Down Already
President Obama says that he hates to do it but will compromise and remove cheaper placebos, ribbed-for-her-pleasure condoms from his ObamaCare package.
IF You're This Wide, You Cannot Ride!
Three hundred and twenty-pound woman says she will sue amusement park after firefighters had to cut her out of her pounded on bumper car.
Simon Cowell, again
Robson and Jerome are to sue Simon Cowell for millions, claiming that they started his career. Millions of people will sue Robson and Jerome for unleashing their version of Unchained Melody.
What Do I Hear For A Front Seat?
Airlines set to auction off seat arrangements, who gets on plane first in order to raise funds.
Simon Cowell has decided to leave the X-Factor, as he claims it is below his dignity............
Jordon's New Book
Celebrity Katie Price launches a new book. It is called three marriages in ten years,the easy, stress free way. We would like to warn second husband Alex Reid that he should not get too comfortable.
Indonesia a no-fly zone!
Airlines make Indonesia a no-fly zone after Mount Merapi's worst eruption yet. PETA says spiders will starve to death.
Pubs Now Overcrowded
U-turn on smoking ban as Holland ALLOWS lighting up in 2000 bars and pubs, as much MSG in food as patrons like.
BBC Staff May Strike
BBC staff may strike over Christmas. No Grinch, Charlie Brown Special could cause riots.
The mother aged 10 who had baby with her 13-year-old cousin is NOT from Arkansas, despite rumors.
Third Times A Charm
'Not again!': Hero superjumbo pilot and his crew among passengers as a SECOND Qantas engine 'explodes'. All resign.
After Second In 2 Days
Qantas A380 fleet could fly again, nearly crash within days says CEO.
Titanic Relics In London
Exhibition: New Titanic relics on show in London, including Captain's waterlogged Log, musical instruments, Leonardo DiCaprio's shoes, Kate Winslet's dress.
$700,000 For Cow Burp Study
Feds spend $700,000 to study cow burps. Move on to the other end.
NASA investigates Great balls of fire over Canada. Authorities say that it was just a Jerry Lewis concert!
Nobody Knows What We Approved
Obama tells 60 mins: It's not policies that were rejected, it was failed communication skills.
Nobody has yet been able to read & understand Health Care package!
Obama Blames Communication Problem
Obama tells 60 mins: It's not policies that were rejected, it was failed communication skills.
The fact that he still doesn't get it cheers GOP!
Obamacare spurs AARP to raise premiums after defending ObamaCare! Premiums could be raised by 40% by 2014.
Just A Second!
Boehner: First cut should be lawmakers' salaries, brings sitting ovation.
Pelosi Won't Go Away!
Pelosi: And I am telling you, I'm not going! Brings standing ovation from GOP members in the House!!
Indian Man Hacks Prez Teleprompter
'First time' ever teleprompter will be used in Indian parliament...'We thought Obama is a trained orator not a reader!'
Obama's Teleprompter Speech A First
'First time' ever teleprompter will be used in Indian parliament. "Most of us can think for ourselves", says one member.
Obama Accuses Accusers
Only 9 AIRCRAFT IN OBAMA ENTOURAGE. "Tabloids tried to make it more but it was just us followed by 3 planes full of clothes and six empty planes to carry back the shopping."
Canada Catches Flier In Disquise!
Man uses elaborate disguise to get into Canada as special mask made him look just like a Canadian!
Good For NYC!
Bloomberg to promote electric taxis in cities. About time, Chattanooga has had electric buses serving downtown for over 20 years.
German Minister Upset With US
Report: German minister renews Fed criticism as United States, Barack Obama have fewer & fewer friends around the world.
No Poison This Time
Russian reporter beaten into coma in Moscow. Think it might be due to anti-Putin stories in the press.
Saudi's Warned Us Again
Saudis warned US of package bomb plot weeks ago. Just enough time for them to get here, other nations.
Obama sees 'win-win' relationship with India! "I won a Peace Prize, Gandhi won a Peace Prize!"
These Are Key Areas
Analysis: Election campaign ignored foreign policy, idiot television programs.
French Love Protesting?
Nuclear waste dodges French protests on way to Germany! So where's the German protesters?
Pope Fights For Spain
The Pope fights to reclaim Spain from social change on the plains.
No One Knows Who Is For What!!
NATO probes report of rogue Afghan attack on troops. Will we ever get the message that we are not wanted there?
US, India United
Obama says US and India united. "Together we can hack into every nations weapons systems in the world."
US/Australia Security Ties #3
US, Australia to boost security ties. Plan to stand 'Back-To-Ocean-To-Back'!
US/Australia Defensive Ties #2
US, Australia to boost security ties. Will dig tunnel to transfer troops form one to the other as needed.
US/Australia Security Ties
US, Australia to boost security ties. Say they will combine border patrols.
Obama Gives Permission
President permits several top people in his cabinet to perform on one-time show, "Dancing With The Czars!" Will raise funds for 2012 election.
Bush Holding Interviews
Bush to speak with Lauer, Winfrey, Leno, others. Join next group on "Dancing With The Stars!"
Pope blasts Spain
Pope blasts Spain's "aggressive" anti-church ways. "NOBODY wants to have that Inquisition returned."
Foreign Policy #2
Analysis: Election campaign ignored foreign policy. Voters say "All the foreign policy we're concerned about is that we want our jobs back here."
Soldiers: We Thought So!
Analysis: Election campaign ignored foreign policy. Voters hit themselves in forehead, "Oh yeah, all those soldiers over there...wherever."
Hurd Was Overheard
Hewlett Packard fired CEO Hurd accuser claimed inside info about Hurd was not all that she heard.
Shuttle Needs A Little Work
Shuttle launch off until end of month to fix leak, 17 lose tiles, defective flight suits....probably a whole new crew after other crew found out about all this.
Saudi's Warned Us About Themselves
Saudis warned US of package bomb plot weeks ago. Still, few were caught as most misfired. Saudis now warn that it might have been our...their 'test run'.
Bush: Pic In Plane Flying Over Disaster, Wrong
George W. Bush calls Katrina photo a 'huge mistake'. "Should have worn flight suit and rescued people by helicopter."
"Let's See You Do These!"
Switzerland's 'Jetman' pulls another aerial stunt. Challenges Spiderman, Batman to competition.
Jetman Another Surfer?
Switzerland's 'Jetman' pulls another aerial stunt. Heralded as modern-day 'Silver Surfer'.
Jetman Pulls Another One
Switzerland's 'Jetman' pulls another aerial stunt. Delivers football plays never seen before to the New York Jets.
Comrade Olbermann Fired
MSNBC suspends Olbermann over political contributions. Found to be made to American Communist Party.
Blasted Volcano Grounds Planes
Airlines stop Jakarta flights after blasted volcano! Sorry, I was upset. That should be "after volcano blast".
New Saudi Alert #2
Saudis warned US of package bomb plot weeks ago. "Also there are plans to hijack sled of Santa!
New Saudi Alert
Saudis warned US of package bomb plot weeks ago. Also, "Look for many covered with Holiday wrappings in December."
Saudis Warned The US
Saudis warned US of package bomb plot weeks ago. "We believe in fair play. We warned and then we sent it."
Obamas In India #3
Obama sees 'win-win' relationship with India. "Having wart removed from penis much cheaper here..although Michelle isn't speaking to me."
Obama In India #2
Obama sees 'win-win' relationship with India. President meets the guy who made his teleprompter.
Obama In India
Obama sees 'win-win' relationship with India. "We are staning her beside ourselves with the news...see, we picked up the lingo already."
Obama Happy with 9.6% Unemployment, 90% of Unemployed Not Happy
Obama likes the new unemployment numbers, and was way too giddy about them. "They are still higher than I numbers I promised American when I passed the stimulus, but at least I have a job for now."
Pelosi Shocked People Don't Like Her
Nancy Pelosi just can't figure out why people hate her. "I have people skills and can get bills passed that most Americans don't want. Who doesn't want those skills in elected officials?" she said.
Hillary Won't Run
Hillary: I'm not running for president..but a place on the Supreme Court would be nice!
Look Ma No Hands
Disgruntled parking lot attendants in San Francisco CA were discovered holding a meeting in a 1939 Volkswagen. The participants were upset over the new imported Japanese cars that can park themselves!
Rod Blagojevich's New Press Secretary
Boring liberal far left MSNBC TV host Keith Olbermann suspended indefinitely for making campaign donations to three Democratic congressional candidates. He violated NBC News ethics policy.
Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee Chair Steps Down I
The MD Congressman chairing the DCCC leaves after his party lost more than 60 seats to Republicans. It took a few days to extract himself from Obama, VP Biden, Pelosi, DNC chair & his own BULLS**T!
Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee Chair Steps Down II
The MD Congressman chairing the DCCC leaves after his party lost more than 60 seats to Republicans. It took a few days to realize the Democratic pollsters weren't smoking green cigarettes, he was!
29 Republican state governors will perform redistricting in their states. They are also trying to convince CA's new Democratic governor to limit former HS Pelosi's district to only San Francisco Bay!
New Message for the Former House Speaker
Democratic liberal far left wing Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) will run for House Minority Leader of the 112th Congress. Republicans change their message from "FIRE PELOSI" to "TAR AND FEATHER PELOSI!"
Pancy Nelosi to Run for Linority Meader
Former Souse Hpeaker Pancy Nelosi plans to run for Hemocratic Douse Linority Meader in the 112th Congress. She says she has the vequired rotes, but the American people know what a Bying Litch she is!
Obama's Vision for America, Two Classes
One class expects government to do everything for them, while the other class is self-sufficient. Eventually the latter will get tired of supporting the former and the USA will become like France!
Police See Big Rise In Net Alerts
"It's those damned butterfly collectors," says Home Office source.
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