Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 30 November 2010
Analysts peg substance of Palin communication strategy
Whatever happens, from WikiLeaks to missing the bus, 'it's Obama's fault'
Letter arrives 77 years after being posted
Palin: "It's Obama's fault!"
Scientists trick cells into stealing identities. I'm sorry, that should be 'switching' identities.
Forecast calls for cloud, some rain
Palin: "It's Obama's fault!"
Hathaway, Franco to host Oscars
Palin: It's Obama's fault!
Many Britons delighted by heavy pre-Christmas snows
Palin: "It's Obama's fault!"
Palin on WikiBitchSlaps
"If Obama thinks Cameron is a light weight, what does that make me?"
No Sir! No 'Brains!' Are Running
Haiti ruling party acknowledges possible poll defeat. Still awaiting that all-important zombie vote.
This Is INTELLIGENCE??
US limits cable access after leak humiliation. Also closes barn door as horses already out.
Scientists Recreate Universe
Jet quenching': Scientists recreate dawn of the universe. "Fall down upon your knees before us!"
US Senate A Bunch Of Hypocrites
Senate shuns push for elimination of pet projects. So why cut and freeze salaries when congress can build more bridges to nowhere?
Not A Whistle-Blower
Opinion: Don't call WikiLeaks a whistle-blower. Call it an all-out traitorous attack on our country by cyber terrorists.
GM Pushing Volt
GM hiring to push electric effort beyond Volt. How about a group purchase with 20-25% discount?
Brace for the post-WikiLeaks information big chill. Like Shultz on Hogan's Heroes, we will know nothing, nothing!
Uganda Outing Gays
Ugandan paper says it will keep outing gays. Gays: However will we live without trend setting Uganda?
Student Protest In Italy Also
Student protests disrupt Italian roads, railways. Students march against educations cuts, teachers pinching them on their ass.
Wars In Cyber Space
Russia's Medvedev warns of new technological arms race!
North Korea Boasting About Everything But Starving People
Now North Korea boasts advances in nuclear program. Troops peckers full inch longer than those in the South.
Charles likes Chum
'The Alcoholic Prince' is hooked on pedigree chum. King Charles Spaniel wins Crufts in 66 Wikileaks.
US In Afghanistan Longer Than USSR
The United States time in Afghanistan has now passed that of the Soviet Union for which we condemned them. Of course, We are only there to help.
Wikileaks Reveals Photos of Justin Beiber's Naked Forehead
Photos reveal that Bieber's bangs have been hiding the face of Voldemort.
Cable: I May Not Vote For Fees Bill I Wrote! That should teach me a lesson!
Gore Crosses Off Sweden To Visit
Sweden braces for record freeze -- coldest in over 100 years. Tell Al Gore to 'Shovel It!'
End To Early Bird Specials, AARP Discounts?
White House Economist Dodges another Question About Age Discrimination! Told "WikiLeaks will get you for that."
Do They Have Your Pic Too?
WikiLeaks: FBI, CIA have thousands of photographs of people taking leaks!
O'Reilly: Leakers Should Be Executed!
Bill O'Reilly: Leakers of state secrets should be executed! He is out to destroy America. That a mouse?
Those Juicy Leaks
WikiLeaks' Next Target: Bank Of America? Bill Clinton Revelations? Who Actually Won "American Idol"? Tiger Woods & Betty White!
American Students Fail at Geography
WASHINGTON, D.C. - A new report from Dept. of Education says that all American kids are failing in geograpghy. 'Many are unable to point to America on a map of the United States', it says.
More Like A Starring Contest
Obama, Republicans Agree To Hold More Meetings On Bush Tax Cuts, Obamas Citizenship!
Tis The Season
'Christmas Village' in Philly renamed 'Holiday Village'. Here we go again. Here come the boycotts.
CBS News overhauls its morning show, beginning by doing it at noon!
Most Lose After Cover Pic
Brees is Sports Illustrated's sportsman of year. Now he has the curse of the S.I. Cover!
Legislature Close to Repealing Don't Ask, Don't Tell
Will give a whole new meaning to "dress" blues.
Calif. Prison System
Is Calif. prison system cruel and unusual punishment? No. That would be the state.
GOP Should Drop Palin Like Hot Tomato
Scarborough calls on GOP to 'man up' and stop Palin. "No one wants the beauty queen to run the nation. I can hear her now: I'm for world peace!"
Bringing Down The House
Home prices falling faster in most metro areas, especially in earthquake prone areas.
People Will Disappear Overnight
As U.S. officials struggle to control damage from the secret cables, Russia is planning to block a similar dump about the Kremlin. Ask Obama to observe how they handle it.
Crapping On Our Brothers
UFO expert says that the earth is in trouble after latest alien visit. "They look just like commodes."
You Gonna Die Like Elvis?
Feds say they caught Willie Nelson on pot, smoking marijuana!
The Hillary Solution
WikiLeaks reveals Hillary solution to every bad guy the same: "Cut off his nuggets!" Recorded 711 times.
Everybody Having Problems
Al-Qaida declares bankruptcy! Asks Saudis, Iran for bailout!
WikiLeaks Accused By WikiPlugs
WikiPlugs accuses WikiLeaks of making up most of their reports. "They hired actors and made up a lot of it."
Monastery Loosens Up
Monastery in Ohio attempts to lure monks to their place by allowing one word a day.
Hillary calls latest leaks "an attack on the whole world"
When reminded that the US isn't the only country in the world she replied "I'm talking about real countries, not like, you know, Batswana or something. Don't leak me on that."
Grizzly Adams aka Derek Anderson Flips Out
Derek Adams got upset when a reporter asked him if he was going to quit playing football to take the new role of Grizzly Adams being produced by the Disney Channel.
Eight Million Credit Cards Dropped
More than 8 million drop out of credit card use. More expected unless card companies cut interest.
Removed From Obama's 2012 Campaign?
WikiLeaks hard on Hillary who comes across as pretty vile. Will she be asked to resign?
USA escapes hurricanes for 5th straight year. Missing predictions of 31 we were predicted to have.
Dead Man Onboard
CHICAGOLAND: Riders using transit ID cards issued to people who have died. "You think I'm going to turn down a dead person?", asks official.
Jets Players Moonlight as Fashion Critics
Jets players are now moonlighting as fashion critics. You can read their comments about NFL fashions on the Jets website.
Saudi King Takes Over Hospital Wing
Saudi king takes over wing of NY hospital. Other patients told to pack and go home.
So It's A Fight Already?
CARTER: OBAMA READY TO FIGHT! Tea Party: We're ready to give him more than an elbow to the mouth!
Greed Still In DC!
Senate rejects 'earmark ban' which would have saved country billions.
Clinton After Argentine Leader's Weakness
Clinton probed Argentine leader's 'nerves,' 'anxiety,' 'stress'. 'How can I use any of that?'
WikiLeaks Suffer Cyber-Attack
WIKILEAKS Inaccessible In U.S., Europe After Powerful Cyber-Attack. Wonder who would do such a thing?
Bad sex literary goes to Rowan Somerville (not Mr Bean or Jimmy)
The bad sex literary prize goes to Rowan Somerville, no relation to Mr.Bean or Jimmy? They can't write good sex either, leave that to Jaggedone? (that sucked!)
WikiLeaks faces prosecution!
WikiLeaks faces prosecution calls as backlash mounts, bounty hunters close in.
More Trouble At Pompeii
Latest Pompeii collapse: Garden wall gives way, volcano erupts!
Let's Hold A Six-Month Talk
Iran agrees to discuss its nuclear program while they are working on it.
Signs of diplomacy in NKorea crisis as during the night, everyone took a big back step at the same time...Kim yelling "May I?"
Special Report: Weird weather leaves Amazon thirsty. Cactus plants coming up in former Rainforest where it's been cleared.
Spidey A Flop!
Spiderman Musical a flop according to reviews on the web!
Gays OK According To Troops
Pentagon study dismisses risk of gay troops. "No different than having female troops" male troops agree.
Senate Passes Food Bill
Senate passes bill to boost food safety. "For one thing, some fast foods are not actually food when amount of nutrition checked."
Obama Meets New Congress
House and Senate leaders from both parties sat down Tuesday for their first postelection meeting with President Barack Obama in an atmosphere charged with tension over taxes. No fights as yet.
Wikileaks in legal wrangle over trademark issue
Public urinals manufacturer threatens to sue Wikileaks for using product brandname. Says out-of-court settlement possible if Wikileaks agrees to use product's picture as logo.
President not speech impaired, say doctors
The 12 millisecond increase in the duration of President Obama's "aaannndd", noticed after the basketball game accident, not due to the stiches on his lips, doctors confirm.
Bush On Wiki
WikiLeaks Bush: We need to take all those suicide bombers out and shoot them. Where's Cheney?
Gays In Military OK #2
Gays troops can serve with no harm, Pentagon study finds. Just avoid expressions when calling for help, like "They've got me pinned down over here."
Gays In Military OK
Gays troops can serve with no harm, Pentagon study finds. Just avoid expressions like "Got your back!"
Spoof writer arrested
Spoof writer arrested for writing true stories. Admits guilt. Spoof Writers' Guild fakes surprise.
Year End With A Whimper?
Will Year of Climate Extremes End with a Whimper? Or will it end with a Bang, in Iran?
More Iran Talks In Geneva
Iran nuclear talks back on, in Geneva next week. Referred to in Leaks as "Another Free Vacation" for leaders.
More Releases #3
US slams WikiLeaks 'attack' as new memos drop. One great session between Obama & Preacher Wright about 'Whitey'.
More WikiLeak Releases #2
US slams WikiLeaks 'attack' as new memos drop. White House code word for Bill Clinton was "The Pecker".
New Memos From WikiLeaks!
US slams WikiLeaks 'attack' as new memos drop, one about John Kerry being referenced as "Horse's Head" and Mrs Kerry as "Horse's Ass".
China: Guess We Need To Talk
N.Korea touts nuclear prowess as China urges talks. "We could reduce Beijing to ashes also", says Kim.
Give It A Quick Look-See
Olympic chiefs to probe FIFA corruption claim that they already know is true.
May Sue Over It
Local Muslims say they are getting tired of being wished a merry Christmas and a happy New Year.
Christmas tree hunting #2
Christmas tree hunting: Game wardens say to be sure and use large caliber to cut tree down with a single blast.
Christmas tree hunting
Christmas tree hunting should not be done without your Christmas tree license say game wardens. One of many new fees from congress.
Oscar-nominated director Mario Monicelli dies trying to save the princess. Luigi to plan funeral.
Gift It Or Tax It
Wealthy may ring out 2010 with tax-minded gifts to avoid taxes. "A chalet in the Swiss Alps? Oh you shouldn't have?"
Guards Don't Interfere
AP Enterprise: Guards shown watching inmate attack. Prisoners now call prison "Gladiator School".
Europe Debt Fears
Europe debt fears pile pressure on Spain, others as bailing out Ireland pushes other countries toward the brink.
Symbolic Gesture Won't Work
Medvedev: Russia, NATO must reach missile deal. Why? Everyone else is planning their own nuke stock.
Something Not Right Here
Cut-off of jobless aid would lower economic growth say those for continued extensions of unemployment checks. So we keep giving away money so people will spend it to get us out of debt, right?
Russian Files Hacked?
Now WikiLeaks say they have info from secret files of Russia. Leakers avoiding tea rooms.
US Still Apologizing
United States apologizes to China about "whole nation of bastards" remark. It was a coded message.
More Leaks Released #2
According to these new Leaks, you weren't even IN Vietnam or Desert Storm so quit lying.
New WikiLeaks Released
According to today's WikiLeaks release, you WERE married before weren't you?
Most Nations Already Knew Leaked Info
Most countries say that news about US and themselves comes as no surprise. "We already have all that in OUR files", say most.
WikiLeaks Very Thorough
According to new WikiLeaks you weren't working late at the office last week were you?
Still Another Toyota Recall
Toyota to fix 650,000 Prius hybrids for heat risk. What else is wrong with these cars, owners are asking.
Special Report: Weird weather leaves Amazon thirsty. Could it have anything to do with clearing out so many trees?
Old Advice Still The Best
Report: A bit more vitamin D is good, not too much as we head back to advice of 1950s, "Drink Your Milk! Go outside and play."
Kim Changes Daily
China knows less about NKorea than thought according to leaks. But how can you know a madman?
Gays In Military "No Foul, No Harm!"
Pentagon study: Gays could serve with no harm. "No foul, no harm" to b the next slogan if NFL approves the adoption of their saying.
Obama Holiday Address
President Obama in his Holiday address to wish everyone well and hope they enjoy their lump of coal in their stocking.
Sombre Mood At UN Climate Talks.
"Well, the weather's rubbish - and did you hear? Leslie Nielsen died," said a spokesman.
UK Will "Lose Fewer Public Jobs."
"That's right. We've developed a special labelling system so if you put them down somewhere, whoever finds them can see who they belong to," said top civil servant.
Documents reveal founder of Wikileaks had a boyhood penchant for swatting hornet's nests
Documents leaked on the Internet disclose Julian Assange's lifelong obsession with flying, stinging insects. According to the docs, he loved to hit the nests like a pinata then run like hell.
Thought For The Day:
Dunno about Mondays, Bob. I hate Tuesdays. Really. No - Really. Until I get me drink, anyway. Oh, and CSI:Miami. Well, it's nearly Wednesday then, innit?
U.S. Government plays 'Whack-a-Mole' to combat online piracy
In its futile effort to combat file-sharing, the DHS has begun 'whacking' suspected websites with a large mallet. No word on how many agents have a black eye due to the frenzied playing.
Scientists Still Searching For Honest Politician
"Not all politicians are dishonest like Tom DeLay," a spokesman said. "Just the ones we know about. We're moving our search to the local level where the temptations aren't so great."
Portland bomber a innocent guy who "wasn't that radical"; Oregonians wouldn't have been that dead.
Friends of Portland bomber Mohamed Osman Mohamud defend him by telling police "He wasn't that radical" as opposed to "not radical at all." WTF? Exactly how much radical is to radical?
Enough Leaks & Everyone Will Yawn!
Pentagon: No guarantee against another leak. Then you should create your own leaks, right?
We Already Knew That
Assange: Document Dump Targets 'Lying, Corrupt and Murderous Leadership'. Plus it's in every country.
He May Have Called It There
Assange: Document Dump Targets 'Lying, Corrupt and Murderous Leadership'. So that should give him something to look forward to.
Leslie Nielsen cuts lip shaving
Nielsen's publicist said,"Despite receiving 12 stitches to his lip,he didn't make it." He was 84
Thanks A Lot
Portlanders condemn bomb plot, criticize FBI probe that helped catch him.
New BP Epic
BP commissions film on BP oil disaster and how the people on the Gulf Coast brought it on themselves.
Just A Nickname
Top 10 revelations from WikiLeaks cables: President Obama calls Joe Biden, Joe Blow.
WW Has Free Fruit
Fruit is free under updated Weight Watchers plan. So the next time you see a Weight Watchers lady, ask her for your free fruit.
Obama calls for 2-year freeze on federal pay. "That's another sign of global warming", notes Al Bore!
Prosecution Of WikiLeakers
US says leaks are a crime, threatens prosecution. "They have put many a life in danger by this silly telling of the truth."
President Ahmadinejad Caught Reading Playboy Magazine
Iranian President Ahmadinejad told a news conference in Tehran we don't give any value to these documents, as such acts of mischief have no impact on relations between nations.
US Fish and Wildlife Service Prevents Oil Drilling
USFWS sets 187,000 square miles of Arctic sea-ice as a Polar Bear critical habitat to supposedly prevent the animals decline in numbers. The Polar Bear has gone from 50,000 in 1960 to over 150,000!
Obama's "We Know Better" Commissar LaHood's Zero Accidents I
Not content with laws banning talking/texting while driving, USDOT is considering adding technology to automobiles that would disable cell phones. Like the TSA screeners, USDOT get out of our pants!
Obama's "We Know Better" Commissar LaHood's Zero Accidents II
USDOT is considering disabling cell phones/texting devices in automobiles. This is a dumb idea, especially if you are sitting in the front passenger seat or back seat talking on a cell phone!
Obama's "We Know Better" Commissar LaHood's Zero Accidents III
Requiring seatbelts in tour buses (low accident rate), car breathalyzers & blocking cell phones/texting in cars to achieve zero accidents is improbable. USDOT needs to take some classes in statistics!
WikiLeaks: Diplomatic Cable from US Embassy in REDACTED
"The REDACTED Prime Minister told me he thinks President Obama is a REDACTED statesman. He added, your president's financial policies are REDACTED and he plays basketball like a REDACTED!"
Budget Deficit Reduction I
President Obama's budget deficit reduction approach, caused by his overspending habits, is like an alcoholic who recycles liquor bottles and beer cans claiming that he is an environmentalist!
Harriet Harman gingers Santa Claus
"A patriarchal white Y-chromosone who reinforces perception stereotypes about the mood of the metabolically relaxed and annually fails to provide equally for income minimalists."
Budget Deficit Reduction II
Obama's budget deficit reduction is like the dog pooping (excessive govt. spending) all over the yard, but has no concept his owner (American people) must get their hands dirty cleaning up the mess!
Budget Deficit Reduction III
The IRS proposed an arse-hole tax to close the 2011 budget deficit. This tax was dismissed because the bulk of the arse-holes are appointees working for the Obama administration!
Two-Year Salary Freeze for Federal Employees
President Obama's proposed salary freeze has prompted a large number of federal employees to resign and seek employment in the private sector. CBO estimates a savings of over $100 billion per year!
No problem to big to solve: Palin
"If people didn't think so much they could solve every problem, like, yesterday. When I got a problem I just do whatever the first thought is I get and look at me!"
Santa Claus anti-labour?
Harriet Harman demands lumps of coal come only from unionized mines.
Palin proposes solution to WikiLeaks problem
"Just go to the Walgreens or something and buy a coupla boxes of WikiDepends. This foreign policy stuff is easy."
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