Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 3 November 2010
Obama Still In A Funk!
Joe Biden and Nancy Pelosi rendition of "For he's a Jolly good fellow" doesn't help Obama's mood. Kids them both in the ass & points at the door.
The Doctor Will Tell You
Kroger experiment with green meats not even being bought by the Irish! "How are we to know if it's turned bad?"
Kroger Pulls Product
Kroger experiment with brown pickles has not worked out. Look for them not to be restocked!
Russia Tries To Bully Japan
Russia flexes muscles over island spat with Japan but find big fire-breathing lizard on the isle.
"DID YOU VOTE?"
Michelle Obama stated that her husband was so angry about the voting last night that "he raised his voice to mother."
Dollar Worth Eighty Cents
After today's action by Bernanke, the dollar may only be worth 80% of present value. New York Yankee players demand 20% raise.
Supreme Court Ruling
The supreme court today, trying to rule on Identity Theft, says that that is not Judge Thomas!
GOP Takes Back The House
Most Americans glad for the Republicans to win back the House, "but it's too late to get ours back!"
Driving Schwarts Crazy!
Maria Shriver caught doing nails, applying make-up, reading and talking on cell phone while driving.
Followed By Cackling Laughter
Mayans remind you to set your clock back one hour this weekend of the next to last year!
Ancient Egyptian scrolls offer guide to the afterlife. May be added to GPS system for cars in case of serious wrecks.
Liberian Leader Dissolves Cabinet
Liberian President Sirleaf dissolves cabinet! Used mostly a solution heavy with lye!
Paul The Octopus Saluted
Owners told reporters that they had said goodbye to Paul the Octopus last week and sent him away with some tartar sauce, a little lemon and a dash of tabasco.
Obama Speech #2
President Obama: No political party dictates direction! I do that!
Mother Proud Of Pregnant 10-Yr.-Old
Mom in Spain happy that her 10-year-old gave birth. Thought she had the fattest little girl in the whole of Spain.
America Can Pull Together
ABC News: Can America pull together after divisive midterm, negative ads onslaught? Why not? We've done it nearly 100 times before.
It's All Part Of The Game
Ron Paul said he received a conciliatory call from his opponent on Tuesday evening, and that in time he thinks both can put the race, the lies and the exaggerations behind them.
I Would Probably Do Worse
Huge volcanic blast echoed by thousands of shaky farts in Indonesia.
Tea Party Off To DC
Tea party winners take ambitious promises to DC! "Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's ObamaCare to go!"
Republicans promise limited government. "We can save the country billions by not traveling everywhere and just sitting on our asses in DC."
MGM studio files for bankruptcy, Icahn backs plan. Roaring Lion to be replaced by pussy cat marking his territory.
It's A Bird....Brain!
Amy Winehouse brought down safely in New York after flying in lawn chair with helium condoms about thirty feet off the ground. "Let's see you top THAT Loony Gaga!"
We Finally Got Them
Police in Manhattan have raided an illegal gambling establishment secretly located for years behind a shoe cobblers on Fifth Avenue.
Tea baggers want to take White House back next.
"first we'll need to get that fried chicken smell, out of it"
They Go Together I Guess
Overheard last Sunday: "I didn't get sick on eating all that Halloween candy until I sat through twenty political ads trying to watch the Cowboys game."
Josef Fritzl claims he's got more balls than Hitler!
Austrian child abuser and rapist Fritzl has claimed he's got more balls than that other infamous Austrian, Hitler, true, Hitler had only one, but at least he didn't only use it in the family!
With Help From Mormons
Genealogists say that Twilight star Robert Pattinson is related to Vlad the Impaler, who is widely cited as the inspiration for Dracula. Also, they have found that Amy Winehouse is related to Igor.
Brett Favre Arrested For Texting Photo of His Junk To NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell
Brett Favre was arrested today for texting a photo of his dinky little penis to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. "I thought it was his secretary's phone," Favre said in his defense.
Can't Control Myself!
Lindsay Lohan back in court. Admits to the judge that she kinda "gets off" on those leg alarms.
Without A Platform
Kentucky politician running for mayor without a platform, falls into bushes behind him.
Those Brushes, Hot Wax Machines Are Rough!
Tennessee man accidentally castrates himself while trying to clean up by running naked through a car wash on a Saturday night.
Bernie Madoff held in contempt by court before he even comes in the door.
No One Ever Knew Why
Local chicken dies after trying to cross "The Colonel"! Owner finds head in his bed.
Can't Do That!
President Obama's number one supporter tasered by police as he runs toward President to give him a big hug!
Janet Jackson Boob Show Still Affecting Youth
Nearly six years after kids saw Janet Jackson's boob at Super Bowl halftime, several are still traumatized. "I was four then, and I thought Michael Jackson had breasts."
Another Acme Recall
Acme Piss Buckets have announced a huge recall after it was discovered that they cause users to leak.
Many households in eastern Kentucky and Tennessee still burning coal for heat, compromise by carrying it in green buckets.
New On Stock Market
Ye Auld Amish Window Makers & Installers now set to sell stock, especially, milk cows.
Market Still Down
Bad day on the stock market as many come out dressed in sackcloth and ashes.
U.S. Economy Still Down
United States economy still in deep dodo. Many blame losing the pot vote. "Lots of things to make and sale from hemp", say supporters.
Unknown Species Discovered
Previously unknown species claims that it was once known by the Egyptians.
Treasure House Labs
Scientists today announced that they have isolated the Mr. Green Gene, that causes people to become gardeners and go on kid shows.
Could Be Practice Run
Hot-footed guy in the crowd who threw himself toward the President and was frog-marched into police car, claims he was set up.
News Out Of Berkeley
Acme wheelchairs issue recall after suddenly speeding up and backfiring like crazy, according to one John Cutter, who crashed Sunday.
Nutty India hack down their coconuts for Obama, they're racist!
Nutty Indians have hacked down all coconuts in the area where Obama will visit, they feel they could offend him because his slave forefathers used to hide in coconut trees before they got caught!
Obama Speech: I Done Lost!
President Obama signals that he's ready for a compromise by doing the traditional "Compromise" dance ceremony with Nancy Pelosi, actually quite beautiful in it's own way.
Champion Surfer Found Dead
Police say he was as stiff as a board
Nadine Coyle Injured While Shopping
Singer hurts herself whilst carrying a sack load of copies of her single out of Virgin Megastore. Sadly vocal chords left unharmed.
Blair: dramatic break-out
Tony Blair has broken out of Gordon Brown's cellar and says he will hold John Prescott hostage until the Labour Party allow him to campaign in the election.
Mafia leaving the United States. "We can't compete with Washington."
Dollar Dipsy Doodle Continues
Fed easing may means 20% drop of dollar value. So offer all merchants 80% of price tag.
No Christmas Cards
NYC mayor says city won't send Christmas cards this year. "I doubt if we will receive many either."
Obama Blow Up Sex Dolls!
Obama blow-up sex doll for sale in China. Seen by Kim of NKorea, who demands they make some like himself with one exaggeration!
Shredders Work Overnight
GOP likely to urge Obama officials not to shred documents, but too late!
They Try Everything
Israeli airport gives rare glimpse into security as video shows how one male was caught with a switchblade in his beard.
No More Closet Days!
Ricky Martin on coming out and coming into his own...kind.
Off To A Good Fart
Boehner wants to shelve health care 'monstrosity'. Right away making Obama hate his guts!
Prepare For Cuts
Future House majority leader wants cuts everywhere. Maybe making Politician-Millionaires do without Social Security.
Pot Loss Hurts Giant's Parade
Marijuana legalization measure loses in California, making Giants Parade not as much fun if you get caught.
Obama Can't Pass Anything. Michelle Worried
Dems save Senate majority, Reid; GOP grabs 6 seats while taunting "Filibuster! Filibuster! Filibuster!"
Cheney Almost Dropped #3
Bush thought about taking Cheney off 2004 ticket, but thought he might look silly on it by himself.
Cheney Almost Dropped #2
Bush thought about taking Cheney off 2004 ticket! "He DID?", states President Obama, while peeking over at Joe Biden.
Cheney Nearly Dropped
Bush thought about taking Cheney off 2004 ticket. But then, wjho would run the country?
Mama Bear's Record
She didn't appear on any ballot yet one big question of the Tuesday night election was how well did Sarah Palin do? Only fair, so that gives GOP ammo not to run her for Prez in 2012!
And Another One's Gone!
Alex Sink concedes Fla. gov. race to Rick Scott as Another One Bites The Dust!
I Have Not Copyrighted It!
I have just named the "Tea Party" for the democrats can use to identify their foes. You could call them the "Pee Tardy".
GOP: Limited Government
Republicans promise an era of limited government. First, everyone is to send in their name, age, religion, political party, confessions to priests, etc. and it will go into practice!
Legal Pot Not!
Marijuana legalization measure loses in California. Plants are all taken back into people's homes.
Microchip Helps Restore Sight
Breakthrough: Microchip Implant Restores Partial Sight! But doesn't help make penis bigger like all those spam letters you got this morning.
Marijuana Loses in California
Marijuana legalization measure loses in California. Drug dealers draw a sigh of relief.
The McRib Returns To McDonald's! "It's a sign", says Sarah Palin.
Obama changes mantra
"Yes we can. Probably. With your permission" is now the catchphrase
GOP, Dems Agree!
House becomes HQ for 'Hell no' mood toward gov't. "No one wants to go to hell", both parties agree.
The House Sold To Highest Bidder
Republicans ride voter unrest to control of House. Will be aiming next for the White House!
Plotters Didn't Know Where Bombs Would Blow!
Plotters didn't know where mail bombs would go off. Apologize to family of the late Al-Qaida #2.
Plotters Not Sure Bombs Would Blow
Plotters didn't know where mail bombs would go off. "But it was worth a shot!"
Pot Stays Illegal
Legalize-marijuana measure loses in California. Stoners too messed up to find their way to the polls.
Have To Smoke Outside The Restaurants
Legalize-marijuana measure loses in California. Illegal pot smoking to continue, of course.
But Tea Party Celebrates
Voters carry anxiety, disappointment, butts to the polls.
10-year-old gives birth in southern Spain. Says she hopes to be a Grandma at 20!
"The is MY House! Mine!"
New House Speaker Boehner now has the toughest job in Washington...carrying Nancy Pelosi out kicking and scratching.
Melbourne Cup winner fined for kiss
"Next time I'll let the horse blow them one", says upset jockey.
This Changes Everything?
Republicans deal stinging rebuke to Obama. "Better forget that ObamaCare thing."
Whoops, Another Float In The Ocean
Huge crowds expected for San Fran Giants parade. City worries about getting up & down hills.
Lincoln's Nose In ND May Go Too
Newly Discovered Walls Buffered Sphinx from Egypt's Sand, except for big nose.
New GOP Governors
GOP captures governorships in at least 10 states. May back Arizona against Washington on illegal aliens, Sunday's big Cardinals/Redskins game.
Tea Party Winners!
Voters embrace several tea party candidates. Invite them over for coffee.
Obama Congratulates Winners #2
Obama Congratulates Winners...but new GOP leaders veto it!
Obama Congratulates Winners
Obama congratulates winners: "Hey, tone down the laughter. Can we all just get along?"
Forget The Message Box, Where's A Paddle?
Where the GOP's wins leave Obama and the Dems? Up that old creek with the smelly name.
Harry Slides By
Reid survives scares, wins 5th term in Senate. But many say he is not the mouse he once was!
Pelosi Loses Speaker Title, Bust Has Several Left!
Republicans ride voter unrest to control of House. Someone needs to stop the bleeding.
GOP Takes The House
Republicans ride voter unrest to control of House. Nancy Pelosi says she's not surprised but her eyebrows disagree.
The Magic Baby
An 18-month-old boy survived after falling seven floors and bouncing off a Paris cafe awning into the arms of a passer-by, witnesses said Tuesday. "See, cartoons real, says NKorea's Kim.
Guardian Angel Congratulated
An 18-month-old boy survived after falling seven floors and bouncing off a Paris cafe awning into the arms of a passer-by, witnesses said Tuesday. There's a movie here somewhere.
Boosting The Economy Again
Fed to launch bold, risky effort to boost economy. Everyone hoping it's better than the last 50.
10-year-old gives birth in southern Spain. Parents say that 9-year-old will have to make her an honest woman.
Boner First Since Clinton
Boehner now has the toughest job in Washington. First Boehner since Bill Clinton.
Boner Now Ruling Washington
Boner now has the toughest job in Washington. I'm sorry, that should be "Boehner"!
They're Here Again At Last!
Forget the elections, the wars in Iraq & Afghanistan, the McRib Is Back!
Boehner's First Act as Speaker
Speaker-in-waiting Boehner said, "The first thing I'll do, is fumigate Nancy Pelosi's office for bed bugs, crabs, and grandchildren, any pearls, cucumbers or dentures found will go to Goodwill."
Bob Guccione's Memorial Mass To Be Held In Penthouse Forum
Pornographer's last words: Oh God I'm Coming!
Tea Party-ers celebrate victories drinking whiskey
Tea Party supporters reportedly imbibing bottles of Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, and Kentucky Wild Turkey instead of a nice cup of tea. Overheard: "Fuck tea!"
John Boehner to spend majority of his time correcting mispronunciation of his surname
"It's 'BAY-nar', not 'Boner'!"
Medical Marijuana loses in California
Regarding the loss, campaign backers claim that a large majority of the state's potheads were just too stoned to get out and vote. Will consider putting crytal meth on the ballot next time.
Meg Whitman seeks new cleaning lady on Craigslist
Now that she's a billionaire private citizen once again, Meg Whitman is free to hire as many undocumented workers as she wants without worrying about looking like a hypocrite.
Meg Whitman to Auction off Campaign Buttons on Ebay
After her failed bid to buy the California governor's seat, Meg Whitman says she will now try to recoup some of her losses by putting campaign materials up for sale on the popular auction site.
107 Years Ago Panama Split From Colombia
When Panama and Colombia separated 107 years ago, Panama got the canal and the hat factories, and Colombia got the cocaine.
The Notorious Wild West Outlaw Black Bart
127 years ago the notorious Wild West outlaw Black Bart robbed his last stagecoach. BB was later captured when he tried to sell the stolen stagecoach to undercover Pinkerton Detectives.
The Disbanding of The American Continental Army
On Nov. 3, 1783, the American Continental Army was officially disbanded. All 391 soldiers applied at the U.S. Post Office and each one was hired.
Botox Out and Fake Tans In
Congress is changing, and that means Botox is out and fake tans are in, but voters still wonder what went wrong this election year.
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