Spoof news snippets from Monday 29 November 2010
Self-indulgently Long-winded News Headlines Threaten to Crash Overburdened TheSpoof.com Server; Lowton Asks for Brevity.
Comically absurd number of abnormally long-winded news stories with painfully-long headlines present exceptionally dire emergency to an already fire-hazardous area known as TheSpoof.com headquarters.
Food Banks Already Low
Jobless Benefits Expiring This Week -- Food Banks Brace For The Worst. Is It 1935 or 2010?
Couples Become More Alike!
Liz Cheney Blames Bush White House For North Korea Attack! "He should have shot Kim in his face!"
Should Have Filled It With Errors
PAPER: 'Never before in history has a superpower lost control of such vast amounts of such sensitive information'...while their leader played basketball.
Kerry Versus Israel
Sen. John Kerry calls for Israel to cede Golan Heights and East Jerusalem. Israel calls for John Kerry to destroy his wife's ketchup factories and sink his yacht with him aboard.
Palin Onto Obama
Sarah Palin says that the handling of the WikiLeaks by the Obama administration was "Incontinent!"
More Leaks #2
President Barack Obama has been putting bleach spots in his hair to make him look aging like the other Presidents before him.
Harvard scientists reverse aging in mice! So you better go out and get you a cat!
Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin and Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi are tighter than was previously known. Putin has Silvio Berlusconi's balls in his front pocket.
No Deal Yet
Obama offered sweeteners to try to get other countries to take Guantanamo detainees, as part of its (as yet unsuccessful) effort to close the prison. Some small island countries were offered billions.
US Walking On Eggshells
United States walking on eggshells after WikiLeaks released. Plus the eggs were bad to begin with, says FDA.
Iran Stands Shoulder to Shoulder with USA
In a broadcasted message today on Iranian TV Ahmajinedad said "Iran has no greater ally than the USA on the war on wikileaks, other than, maybe, Saudi Arabia?"
Man In River
Man falls in river chasing one-legged goose. "I forgot it could fly!"
Glaucoma Outbreak in San Francisco believed to be caused by so many smoking pot, the smoke gets into their eyes.
"I Made It Out Of Clay!"
United States, South Korea Begin War Games! First of all, the kiddies get a dreidel for Hannakuh.
You're On WikiLeaks
You are mentioned in the WikiLeaks on page 179. You should be ashamed to call Mark that!
Sorry, Bend Over & Spread 'Em!
Naked Air to begin using scanners after extensions found on penis, small explosive in pubic hair.
Who Versus Whom?
WikiLeaks' Lesson: Deception Par for the Course in Mideast Diplomacy...For Everyone Involved.
Mix-Up At Charity
After recent hip replacements, Billy Joel was helping raise money for charity, kept falling off piano seat. He finally discovered that he and Cher had accidentally gotten each others ass between sets.
Billy Joel Gets New Ass
Billy Joel is doing well after having two hip replacements. He is suing the hospital for one hip now being higher than the other. "Those people give me the ass", he told friends.
No One Sends Current Pics
Online Dating With 20-Year-Old Photographs Enjoying a Boom Among Boomers.
Picassos Out The Wazzoo
Staggering Picasso trove turns up in France. 271 paintings, 2056 breasts.
Freeze On Everyone But Politicians
Citing deficit, Obama freezing federal worker pay. Now how about your own and that of congress. Also millions in unnecessary trips?
House Prices Drop Again
House prices set to tumble further as buyers continue to shun the market. "Rather rent. Who wants property with all the taxes and insurances?" say many.
Bears Won this Sunday
Bears won on Sunday, but next weekend they hope to lose again.
McCain Links Palin to Reagan
John McCain links Palin to Reagan, because he doesn't want to say anything bad about his former running mate--the woman that helped him lose the election in 2008.
Pink to Name Baby...
Pink is going to name her baby Seven, to pay tribute to her favorite show Seinfeld.
Harry Potter Still Number One
Harry Potter was still the number one movie this week. It proves that nerds still rule.
Please Read Carefully
If you are reading this, please get help.
Uranium Centrifuges Damaged
President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad admitted Monday that "several" uranium enrichment centrifuges were damaged by "software installed in electronic equipment. "But we know any launched missile will go up!"
Leaks Not True
WikiLeaks update: Berlusconi says he doesn't attend 'wild parties' but hosts 'dignified and elegant' naked dinner parties.
He's Nutty Enough To Do Anything
Japan's foreign minister tells Wall Street Journal that holding six-party talks 'only because North Korea has gone amok' is 'unacceptable'. What about an all-out attack on Japan?
Leaks Hurt Those Inside US Also
Leaks have those in US Government upset with each other also! "That Joe Biden has a big mouth", says Ron Paul.
Obama Orders Safeguards On Classifieds
Obama administration orders U.S. agencies to review safeguards on classified information "although I realize I'm a little late on this."
France Behind US
France backs the US after release of leaks. "What if our own were revealed?", they ask.
Israel Upset With US!
Trust in short supply at Middle East talks; Israelis increasingly frustrated with the USA.along with just about everybody else.
Obama announces two year pay freeze for federal workers, two years after freezing social security checks for the poor.
Documents show China's role in shipments of nukes to Iran. Russian democracy has disappeared. Bush snores in his sleep. Hillary seduced Italian leader.
Pope offended by Joe Biden's "Should be hung!" remark. Joe says he was misquoted. "Should be 'was really hung'."
Reveal: Iran 'smuggled arms' to Hezbollah on ambulances. Also legs, private parts.
Oh Those Lousy WikiLeaks
WikiLeaks: 250,000 State Dept. cables cover Iran, NKorea, Putin, you naked and chasing a goat!
Wikileaks anger Germany, WWIII maybe?
German top politicians are so angry at the US Wikileaks that they have decided to ask Krupps for a new supply of tanks and sent their troops to the Polish border!
Eating Disorders Rise
Rising hospitals stays for eating disorders cited. Situation not helped by hospital food.
Mammoths Hunted Down
Hunters may have delivered fatal blow to mammoths as old Five Clam hunting license found in cave.
Either You Has It Or You Hasn't!
Nations again try to bridge rich-poor climate gap, for the five-thousandths time.
Wal-Mart Taking Over
Wal-Mart to buy 51 percent of South Africa! Sorry, that should have been South African Company.
Patriotic Millionaires want to be taxed their full amount! IRS: Ever hear of something called "Donations"?
Back To Their Old Ways?
John Birch Society reborn in Tea Party movement? Communism in Leberal Dems?
Leaked Cables Revealing
Leaked cables reveal U.S. diplomats' fears about Iran's drug trafficking, mental state of Kim in Korea.
Needs Fine Tuning!
Scientists trick cells into switching identities. Needs fine tuning according to scientist volunteer who tried to lengthen penis but became a dwarf with a foot-long nose.
Scientists trick cells
Scientists trick cells into switching identities, add inches to penis.
Muslims Fear Retribution
Oregon Muslim leaders fear retribution after plot to blow up as many people there as possible. Just be thankful that it didn't happen in the South.
Setting An Example
Security tight, for good insulation, as UN climate talks set to open.
Ring That Bell!
Bell ringers sought for Salvation Army. No one with Tinnitus need to apply.
Nutty As A Fruitcake
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad blames Israel for his being nutty as a fruitcake. "They have their ways", says Iranian President.
Iran blames Israel over Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's sister having a high fever.
A Way With Words Or AWAY With Words
US tries to contain damage from leaked documents which pretty well offend everybody, including US citizens, called 'The Great Brainwashed" by Cheney, quoted by Biden.
APED: New Disorder Found
Adult Picky Eaters Now Recognized as Having a Disorder! Say hundreds of thousands may have APED and not know it.
Chavez The People's Leader!
Chavez opens his palace to Venezuelan homeless. (Have the news headlines gone out? Good. Now remove the buggers!)
Climate Summit In Cancun
Climate Summit in Cancun: Low Expectations, High Stakes. Sounds like me at the track.
It's Haiti Again
Election debacle has Haiti again near turmoil. UN recommends they change their name to Lovey!
Nielson Dead As OJ's Brain
'Airplane!', 'Naked Gun' actor Leslie Nielsen dies after discovering Gun not completely Naked.
Picasso Trove Discovered In France
Staggering Picasso trove turns up in France! Your investment just went down 50%!
Top Ten WikiLeaks
Top ten revelations from Wikileaks cables? Wath for Letterman! He's bound to have one for these.
Raid On Peter Sellers
Police arrest ten people after finding out that the "Peter Sellers" on Oak Street was not a museum for the late actor!
SKorea Showing Patience Considered Weakness?
South Korea vows North Korea will pay for future provocations (whisper in ear)....after the latest one today!
Iran Loses Nuke Scientist
Iran accuses CIA, Mossad of nuke scientist killing. Both deny it but asks how it feels to be a victim of terrorism?
Israel Not Only One Worried About Iran
Israel says Arabs agree on Iran threat. Maybe a combination US/Arab strike on nukes would be best.
Once Took Four Days
Greenview Regional Hospital ER dept. turns 25 patients through in only two days.
Will Miss "The Naked Gun" Movies
'Airplane!', 'Forbidden Planet' actor Nielsen dies. Remains will be taken by robot to newly discovered planet.
Small Houses Selling
Tiny house movement thrives amid recent real estate bust. Bestsellers: Tree Houses!
Close Call For #2
Close calls for al-Qaida's No. 2 after nearly being traded to Taliban for Taliban #5 and three suicide bombers to be named and blown up later.
New Rules On Air Cargo
UN agency pushes new rules on air cargo security: Absolutely NO Bombs to be sent through the mail.
Daylight Come & Me Wants Go Home
FDA would boost food inspections under Senate bill. Immediately proposed after 10,000 tarantulas found on banana boat!
Cartoon Burning Canceled
SKorea cancels new Warner Brothers Cartoon Burning on tense island. "Best not to provoke old flat head.
Holiday sales encouraging!
Holiday sales encouraging, but no really good stories about people being crushed has dampened news headlines.
US tries to contain damage from leaked cables. Jimmy Carter reassured that he wasn't 'Peanut Head' in coded messages.
Scientists trick cells into switching identities. First volunteer looks like combination man/wart hog. "It still needs some fine tuning", admits specialist.
Scientists trick cells #2
Scientists trick cells into switching identities. Future NBA players could be ten-feet tall, 12-foot goal needed.
Scientists trick cells! #2
Scientists trick cells into switching identities. Future football players could be 400-pound, 7 feet tall.
Holiday sales encouraging, but are shoppers done? Reporters always know where to find the dark cloud in the silver lining.
Cells Tricked By Scientists
Scientists trick cells into switching identities. Could really help CIA espionage.
Presley On Leslie
'Airplane!', 'Forbidden Planet' actor Nielsen dies. Actress Co-Star Priscilla Presley: He always encouraged me to act like a complete idiot. For Leslie, it was a natural."
US tries to contain damage from leaked cables. Obama really was born in Kenya!
Leaked Cables #2
US tries to contain damage from leaked cables. "Bush English Puppet" was definitely not Blair's code name.
Tammy & The Bachelor
'Airplane!', 'Forbidden Planet' 'Captain taking piss with microphone still on', actor Nielsen dies at 84.
Or Were They
US tries to contain damage from leaked cables. "Prince Charles was not the Code: "Dumbo Ears" in the cables.
SKorea Delivers Stern Warning
S.Korea vows N.Korea will pay for future provocations. But, along with the past 120, we'll let this one go.
SKorea Cancels Drill
South Korea cancels new artillery drill on tense island. No use drilling when you've had the actually event.
Lesley Nielson #3
The comedic star of "Airplane!" and the "Naked Gun" movies started his career as an actor of serious roles. But was never the same after doing weird role in Stephen King film.
250,000 State Dept. leaked cables cover Iran, NKorea, Putin. Bush: Jimmy Carter's an idiot..Obama: George Bush is an idiot.
Leslie Nielson Dead #2
Co-Star O J Simpson requests a day out of prison to do something funny & stupid to mark the occasion.
Leslie Nielson Dead
Leslie Nielsen dead at 84. Police Squad commander shoots his last wad.
William changes his mind
Prince William has decided to call off his marriage to Kate Middleton because he has fallen in love with Katey Price (or may be her triple D breasts). His Royal Sleaziness is infatuated beyond belief.
Elton John accuses Simon Cowell of "humping and dumping" X Factor contestants.
"You wish, Elton" says Cowell's spokesman.
Millions Affected by Internet Blackouts!
And subsequently don't get to vote for this Snippet.
Millions Affected by Internet Blackouts!
How you gonna Reddit now, suckas?
Millions Dead in Wake of Internet Blackouts!
Disconnection creates hysteria; many mistakenly fear the Apocalypse.
Millions Affected by Internet Blackouts!
Scientists study victims' decent into Arcadia.
Millions Affected by Internet Blackouts!
Frightened public wonders who's nex---------------
Shirley, you can't be dead!
"I'm sorry, I am. And Loving It. And don't call me Shirley."
Rest in Piece, you left us in stitches.
So Farewell, Leslie Nielsen.
Forbidden Planet was a classic. It was based on Shakespeare's The Tempest, you know. I once played Ferdinand in that. Crap role.
Pot on Nelson's Bus!
-turned out to be cast-iron skillet, not actual pot. Media blitz +1.
Rep. Rangel is ready to tell the House that a censure should be reserved for crooked politicians. He is planning to leave a plain white envelope on each member's desk, as a token of his appreciation!
Cancun Climate Conference
"The US is standing firm on its pledge to reduce its emissions 17% from 2005 levels by 2020 even without domestic legislation." The envoy didn't get the memo about a Republican US House next year!
Wait Till Next Year Kiddo
What to do if you waited until a week before school ends to write term papers? Repeat the classes next year! The US Senate has ignored govt. funding, Bush's expiring tax cuts & START ratification etc!
VP Biden is Sometimes Correct
Pres. Obama is being tested as a young, inexperienced executive by the current Korean crisis. Obama's response could determine the political direction the USA, Korea, China & Japan go in the future.
Emergency Meeting Proposed
China is trying to defuse tensions over the recent N Korean attack on S Korea by proposing an emergency meeting in Beijing in three to four weeks! They need time to order take-out Chinese food!
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