Spoof news snippets from Sunday 28 November 2010
Something They Agree Upon!
Presidents Obama and Bush recommending wearing adult diapers before reading WikiLeaks!
No Basketball Wound?
Basketball players say nothing happened to the President during their games. "But he mentioned talking to Michelle about her Mom always hanging around."
Court On Med Pot!
US Supreme Court with different members will take up the question of medical marijuana once again. Latest ruling will be made in smoke-filled room.
Obama: It's A "All In The Mind" Thing
WikiLeaks shows the United States Missile Shield is some lazer beams around the coast that would stop very little. Also, countries that we sold it to very upset.
WikiLeaks Cancels Prize
WikiLeaks revealed Obama comments cause Nobel Peace Prize to be recalled. "We are NOT Attention-grabbing, gumbies".
Harry's Plan comes together
William and Kate set the date, the date 66 years to the day that Hitler got married to Eva Braun. Harry celebrated by inviting William to a night of ceremony, where he asked him for the first born.
Fearless mice on the increase
A study was taken on mice to see how fearful they were, using a cat, 3 out of 10 weren't fearful, but they were the three blind mice.
Der Spiegel: #wikileaks 'nothing short of a political meltdown for US foreign policy. Goes with US, EU financial meltdowns.
Ar WikiLeaks A
Pentagon toughens security rules on use of flash drives following WikiLeaks release of war logs but are they a US double-bluff, leaking on purpose?
Spy On Diplomats
Leaked cables suggest diplomats ordered to engage in spying, an unheard of activity.
Fast Changes In East, Obama On Botttom Of Things?
Iran Fortifies Its Arsenal With the Aid of North Korea which came from China. Will Japan rearm?
Number 13 Unlucky For Saddam
WikiLeaks: US & Iraqi officials caught and hung twelve Saddam lookalikes before getting Saddam...they think.
President Gets Tough!
President Obama announces that he may hit WikiLeaks with a record slap on the wrist!
New Bush Project
Book signing tour by former President Bush dubbed "Project: Enduring Boredom".
Over 100 customers at airport searches shit all over inspectors. Airports say it was a coordinated protest.
Justin Bieber's Career On The Skids
Apparently his balls are about to drop. And that'll be the end of that.
There Goes Marquez With A.. Sorry Hocker..Right To The Head!!
Boxer Juan Manuel Marquez stops Michael Kershawn Katsidis. Announcers spit all over each other describing the match.
Nicole Sherzinger Appeals To Her Brit Fans:
"Stop calling me Nicole Shirtlifter. It's really annoying."
Copenhagen Super Bikeway!
Copenhagen plans super highways ... for bikes. Promise it will cut energy costs, healthier air, bikers.
Who's At The White House
Obama returns to basketball court after accident. Total war between China, NKorea and S.Korea and Japan!
Saudi King Walking
Saudi king is walking, says top official. "Should be back in the middle east and financing terrorists again in no time."
Department Stores Gain
Department stores gain, discounters lose traffic. "Not worth the crowds", the general opinion.
EU Approves The Bailout
EU approves $113 billion bailout for Ireland. Portugal now has hat in hand.
Washington In Complete Agreement
Mocks Obama With a Thanksgiving Message 'to All 57 States'. Obama counters by wearing old dress last worn by J. Edgar Hoover.
Lots Of Action Today
NKorea deploys surface-to-air missiles near Yellow Sea..fires artillery shells near Yeonpyeong Island...Japan loosens Godzilla, Hong Kong loosens King Kong!
Riot At Target, Stabbing At Best Buy
Crazed shoppers stampede at TARGET as Marine stabbed at BEST BUY. Season of Peace & Joy continues.
WikiLeaks: Mitch McConnel minority leader: Everybody knows Nobel Peace Prize was to enlarge Obama's ego even further.
WikiLeaks To Be Prosecuted!
SENATORS: PROSECUTE THE LEAKERS! They are traitors to our nation!
Bureau Apologizes For Extra Letters On Snippets
Spoof Snippeteer Bureau, throwing extra letters onto Snippets, apologizes. "Lying on my back typing causes my belly to strike odd letters."
EU Debt Crisis!
EU Debt Crisis Escalates. Nations gather to avoid domino effect!
No Nuclear Iran
WikiLeaks: Arabs urge air strike on Iran. Didn't care if it was US or Israel!
China Doing Computer Sabotage
China conducting computer sabotage. "None of the rest o us would do search a thing", say Russia, US.
Use Obama's Vanity
US to Slovenia: Take a prisoner if you want meeting with Obama. He loves being the hero.
Iron Lady Sec.
Clinton Orders US Diplomats to Spy on Other Countries at UN. Follow them to the bathroom and gets the goods.
First came Fox's "Lone Star," two low-rated episodes & out. Next was ABC's "My Generation," poorly reviewed, poorly received, and gone. Proof that being sponsored by Viagra doesn't mean it won't flop!
You Are Worth Many Goats, Darling.
Rumor still going around that Osama Bin Laden has the hots for Whitney Houston. No wonder the lady has been acting so strange!
US South Welcomes Alien As One Of Their Own!
UFO alien's first words not "Take me to your later" but "Is it hot down here or is it me?"
Force Of Habit!
Freed Bush shoe thrower arrested once again over, attempting to throw his hat in the ring for recent elections, throw another shoe by mistake.
Fed Warning For Holidays
Feds: Remember if it's too good to be true, it probably came from Nigeria.
New congress modifying ObamaCare 5,500 pages down to Snippet size, 200 words or less.
Iran Leader Wrong
Iran leader, Ahmadinejad wrong about Israel not existing says Snopes.
X Factor Being Checked By FBI Agents
Guest judges next month on The X Factor: Agents Mulder and Scully! Suspect one contestant was an alien.
DC Madame Arrested
A DC call girl who works exclusively with judges and lawyers has been arrested for taking the law into her own hands, body.
America is a two-faced little bee-otch!
WikiLeaks disclosures threaten to expose US foreign policy as quite similar to the plot of Mean Girls.
Member Of Pit Crew Fiered
Danica Patrick almost won her first major race earlier this year and blames the slow make-up man in pit for her loss.
Those WikiLeaks Must Be Something
US asks WikiLeaks to halt document release. Meanwhile President Obama tells China just kidding about nationalizing everything here. Abandoning dollars.
McCain says politics at issue with policy on gays in military. Of course, everything else is also, here in Washington."
Stop The Presses
US asks WikiLeaks to halt document release or prepare for third world war.
EU Proposing New Rules
EU proposes new rules for future bailouts. "At this rate, a few more countries go belly-up and we'll all need bailing out", says spokesman.
Lame Duck Meetings Begin
Congress preps for lame-duck battles over taxes, foreign policy. Nancy Pelosi about to Quack Up!
Egypt A Hard Place To Lose Election
Egypt picks parliament after roundup of opposition to be housed in jails, cemeteries.
All Foreigners Take Notice
Swiss voters approve foreigner deportation plan. Several nations watching very closely.
Brazil Cracking Down!
Send in the tanks! Under heavy gunfire police smash their way into shanty town to take on drug traffickers. Should be an interesting Olympic site a few years from now.
Still In Name-Calling Stage
North Korea threatens a 'sea of fire' as the South begins posturing war games with US. South Korea counters with "A barren land to the north!"
Cheap Liquor Outlawed?
Cheap booze to be banned under 'radical' plans to curb binge drinking, Health Secretary warns. "We'll make our own", say low-income housing occupants.
Or Proper Side Of The Ditch
One for the road? Author reveals how Tony Blair loved a tipple when traveling. "Told me he could concentrate better on driving on the proper side of the road."
Outdoor Sex Rough In This Weather
Queen's friend calls in police after his estate is overrun with people having outdoor sex. "I'll teach the buggers", says Sir Beville Stanier.
They Go To The Wrong Floor
Alarmingly high death rates at 19 NHS hospital trusts, influential report reveals. Many blame big gator in basement kept once as a small pet until it grew on them.
Envoy Training Expensive
Taxpayers' £120,000 to teach envoys how to stand up straight, jiggle penis after taking a leak.
Who's Next For Bailout?
Who's next?: Alan Johnson's 'concern' over more handouts as Ireland looks to Brussels for a £72bn bailout. "Speak up now, don't be shy."
WikiLeaks Split US Parties Also
Unflattering U.S. assessment of George Bush also 'to be released' in WikiLeaks files. "You will all guess who 'Nuckklar Head' is reference to.
Oh Those WikiLeaks
Unflattering U.S. assessment of Cameron and Brown 'to be released' in WikiLeaks files. "Obama's calling that 'old idiot' in Britain had to be about me", says Brown.
US, SKorea launch war games in tense Yellow Sea! Many say that this is the first time they have ever witnessed a tensed sea.
Fry shocks with new book 'How to keep your Woman.'
Stephen Fry reveals to men what women really want, from a first hand experience he touches on subjects about tampons to knitting. Fry quotes 'if you really want to keep her, get yourself castrated!'
Couple Denied Marriage
Interracial couple denied a marriage once again in Louisiana. Say that we don't need another Barack Obama or Tiger Woods.
We'r Keeping Our Eyes on Them!
Pakistan nuclear weapons in safe hands say Tareq and Michaele Salahi!
May Roll Back Down
Jonathon Smith has became the first 'Bubble Boy" to make it to the top of Mount Everest!
Recession Over...For Some
Recession is over say stores. Then why am I the only one in here? asks customer.
Always ensure you wear a pressurized pressure suit when venturing into outer space.
Cats with whiskers are more successful
A study taken on cats showed 80% that preferred to have whiskers could manoeuvre in the dark.
Mostly Hit By Other Teens
Study: Teens with own cars have more crashes. Those that have no cars have very few, if any. Mostly because a few teen pedestrians get hit my texting teen drivers.
Driving & Testing Don't Mix
One out of four admit to testing while driving. Auto accidents up 25%.
Two More Months Of Job Growth
Fed Says that economy is picking up, especially all those people hired after January sales to tear down places of business.
Huge Irish March Over Bailouts
Big rally in Ireland say they do not want bailouts under current proposals. "Of course there's no pleasing us", says one protester. We put the 'ire' in Ireland."
Yet Another Sign
Iced tea drinkers in the south say that the ice in their drinks melted faster than normal this past summer.
Fords To Have Special Warning Systems
Ford says i may soon have a special warning system on their cars that will warn drivers that they are about to wreck. Until now, it was the crash itself that alerted them!
Sarah Palin says she may still run for president. "I believe Obama and I could have debates equal to historical ones between Lincoln and Roosevelt the First."
International agreement reached on 85 billion euro ($110 billion in Irish money, the Spud) rescue package for Ireland, diplomat tells AFP
Kerry Celebrates Kerry!
Sen. Kerry rents out 2,000-seat Boston Symphony Hall to celebrate -- himself. "Come see how great I am!"
Lesbians Allow Male Tourists
Economy causes Florida lesbian landmark to welcome male guests. "Just don't make us have to hurt you."
Could Be Life There
Oxygen source found on Saturn's moon Rhea. "It was hidden for many years because of all the trees."
Who Can Piss Higher?
NKorea deploys surface-to-air missiles near Yellow Sea in show of force, after US/SKorea War Games show of force.
That One Has It Wound Around His Leg
Skimpy trunks' design, artificial penis extensions cause Singapore blushes.
Smokies Are Up!
Smokies visits up this fall and ahead of last year, many crediting legalized pot in Park.
All The Oklahomans Say!
Willie Nelson charged with pot possession in Texas while Oklahoma "just let him slip away...out of kindness I suppose."
Colorado weighs difficulties of pot regulations as many smoking oregano. May ask Obama for Pot Czar!
US briefs allies about next WikiLeaks release. "Please ignore Cheney's remark about Putin and the horse relationship.
Pink Having Problems
Pink's younger brother, Punk, causing her a lot of trouble.
Helps Bring In Crowds
Macau casino mogul bids $330,000 for 2 truffles. Will display instead of eating them.
Politicians Grateful This Season
What liberals and conservatives can be thankful for this Thanksgiving? Most say they are grateful that the others are so crazy most people will recognize the fact before voting.
Sure, You Can Afford It!
NY Post reports that 80 percent of Americans believe that keeping the Bush tax cuts is "a priority," more than 80 millionaires are asking to "please let the Bush tax cuts expire and raise our taxes."
New Food Safety Rules
Senate to debate Food Safety Modernization Act, deciding whether to give the Food & Drug Administration the authority to recall food products it suspects are infected. Most thought they already could.
Police: 2 men shot inside suburban Detroit mall, over who had the last Barbie doll!
Tis The Season
Bargain Hunters on the Prowl! Police say watch your billfold!
Ivory Coast votes in violence-marred presidential polls. Last man standing wins!
Bell Ringers Needed
Bell ringers sought for Salvation Army. Bigger ding-dongs this year should bring more attention.
Twelve Teams In Big Ten Making Decisions On Next Season
No. 5 Wisconsin routs NU 70-23 for B10 title share. How many of the 12 teams in the Big Ten will go to Bowl games?
Poachers Finished Off Mammoths!
Hunters may have delivered fatal blow to mammoths. Imagine what they got from the ivory alone.
Mammoths Hunted Down
Hunters may have delivered fatal blow to mammoths. Same as they did to the buffalo years later.
Obama's back on the hard court with 12 inches in cut- as spectator. Many asking him why he's not at White House monitoring chance of nuclear war over Korea.
I Go A-Smoking After Midnight
Willie Nelson charged with pot possession in Texas. That makes all 50 states, one for the Book of Records.
WikiLeaks Asked To Delay Release
US asks WikiLeaks to halt document release. At least until we can find a way to destroy them.
Offset Global Warming
One scientist's hobby: recreating the ice age. Recommends that everyone possible place ice outside in shade areas during summer months.
Recreating Ice Age
One scientist's hobby: recreating the ice age in hopes of offsetting global warming.
But No Profiling
FBI: OREGON bomb suspect spoke of best site for blast. Many surprised that he came from Muslim country.
China Wants Meeting Over Korea
China proposes emergency meeting on Korea tensions. Kim suggests that everyone dress as favorite cartoon character.
Many customers using bank ATM's are being robbed. Authorities are suggesting that you keep money at home under your mattress.
Global warming hits UK!???
It's arrived, global warming and all of it's turmoil has hit the UK?!
"Mummy, if the UK has been hit by global warming, why the fuck am I freezing my balls off?"
Answers please to Al Gore!
Paul The Octupus, the until recently believed dead oracle mollusc, has been found alive and held hostage by a group of Somalian terrorists who are seeking 20million euro in exchange for his freedom.
Willie Nelson sings 'On the bong again'
Willie Nelson, 77, was charged with marijuana possession yet gain after 6 ounces was found on his tour bus in Texas. Stoned fans were highly bummed, expecting him to have, "way more pot than that."
"Su-Berb Bulgarian Beelzebub blasts Blackburn!"
Phlegmatic, distant, disinterested? Su-BERB, virtuoso, talented, ingenious, imperial master of the beautiful game blasts Blackburn back to the Black Country, WHO???????
Bin Laden takes to North Korea
Osama Bin Laden was spotted on the North Korean border. He was seen desperately trying to tap misleading, inciting, false flag messages with a cheap morse code kit.
At Navajo Council Meeting, Kanye West Grabs Talking Stick
West then shouted that Beyonce should be the one chosen to receive the prized necklace of wolves' teeth.
Bad Night In Britain
'Stay indoors!' Police warn Britons to stay off the roads as temperatures fall to MINUS 10C and 15 inches of snow falls and drunks all over the road and ditches.
Apple Introduces Four New Video Devices
Today, CEO Steve Jobs introduced the Iped, Ipud, Ipidl, and Ichildpornography.
North Korea shows its love for Kim Jong-il
Kim waves at the same fans he waved at in 2001, the hysterical fans scream back, "I love you Kim!" The fans were dressed the same, but looking as young and supportive as they were in the 2001 video.
Garrison Keillor to Write Erotic Novel
Mr. Keillor says, "My book will be like chicken soup for the penis."
Obama Collides with a Large Hadron
President requires stitches after mishap during tour of CERN facility.
Environmentalists Pushing For Volcano Emissions Regulations
...offering tax incentives for volcanoes who can reduce their toxic gas emissions by 30% over five years. Said one volcano, "Hey...this is the way I've always done it! If you don't like it, blow me!"
Time For A Change
47 year old West Virginia mother of 23 children says "It's time for me to get up, see if the legs work and clean up this mess."
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