Spoof news snippets from Saturday 27 November 2010
American Down In Standings
Report: America's world standing has dropped in last decade. Meanwhile the Taliban has moved up from 200th to 199th.
I'm Pretty Good!
President Bush says that when he first read his new book, "Direction Points" he was simply amazed.
OnLine Shopping Up 16%
Online sales jump 16% on Black Friday as shoppers snap up unbelievable bargains from Nigeria.
Washington Warns Israel
Washington warns Israel of potential embarrassment. "Some may be worse that Jesse Jackson's 'Hymietown'."
Big Mouths Caught
World braces for WikiLeaks flood of US cables. Officials apologize in advance to all religions and races they were caught laughing about.
John Robert Boone Up In Smoke
Authorities closing in to seize 2,400 pot plants on John Robert Boone's farm 2 years ago, the legendary Ky. outlaw vanished like a puff of smoke. He was not caught with another hero, Willie Nelson.
Nelson Caught In Home State
Willie Nelson charged with pot possession in Texas. "I can't believe my own state would turn me in", says native Texan.
San Diego Drug Tunnel
San Diego drug tunnel had railcar, tons of pot. "We tried smoking them out but it didn't work", say officials.
Palin admits even she knows she can't be elected President
But is determined to press on 'havin' a blast!'
Gold Vase for Sale on e-Bay
Queen launches official e-Bay shop as Royal Tour of Middle East approaches conclusion.
"The wedding's on me!"
Queen arrives in Oman and receives gold vase and egg in the style of Faberge from Sultan.
Not A Good Sign
The winner of this years Nobel Prize for Economics has sold it for cash from China!
Al-Qaida #3 becomes Public Enemy #1 according to the FBI!
Bears on the loose!
Three armed bears are on the loose. The public has been warned not to shoot at them, but to phone Miss Locks from The Extra limbed Animal foundation.
Teenager Says 'Yes' to Drugs
BIRMINGHAM - A teen went against his peers', teachers, parents' advice & said 'yes' to an offer of a ciggerette. "I wanted to see why I shouldn't say 'yes'. Boy this tastes good!" He will die in 2031.
Boy George Playing Again
Boy George to be playing with Clay Aiken. No, they are not doing a record together. Just playing.
Who's Watching The Country?
President Obama gets 12 stitches after errant elbow to mouth. VP Joe Biden got 7 stitches from talking.
Willie Caught With Pot #2
Pot found in Willie Nelson's tour bus. Police say they began to be suspicious when they saw that guy on front seat was Willie Nelson. "You always have a better than 50% chance", with Nelson, they say.
Willie Caught With Pot!
Pound of Pot found in Willie Nelson's tour bus. Police became suspicious when Nelson began singing "All Over The Road Again".
Plan Your Gift Now
Prince William and Kate Middleton set wedding date and are registered at "Bed, Bath & Bedbugs".
Ready Or Not! #2
U.S. warns Britain over new WikiLeaks revelations that will 'expose corruption between allies'. For instance: Lady Camilla has some horse DNA.
Ready Or Not, Here they Come
U.S. warns Brits over new WikiLeaks that will 'expose corruption between allies'. Preview: Tony Blair has big hairy mole on his ass. VP Biden has same-sized wart on his ass that he has named 'Cheney'.
Bad Winter Beginning In Britain
MINUS 10C: Britain shivers as overnight temperatures plunge and snow continues ... and the big freeze is only just beginning say Global Warming experts.
Taiwan Becoming More Mainland Supportive
China-friendly party gains upper hand in Taiwan poll as China strong militarily and financially.
Big Rush Through The Doors!
Obama gets 12 stitches after errant elbow to mouth after trying to go shopping as "Joe Citizen" on Black Friday!
Won't You Join Us?
US and South Korea push ahead with war games...while Rudolf the Red-Nosed Russian watches from sidelines.
No US Troops Needed
Iraqi premier: No need for US troops after 2011. Especially after Obama has apparently withdrawn them already....So who are these guys, anyway?"
War for Rio? Olympic city facing gang backlash of Rio Bravos and the Vuvuzelas From Hell!
Tesco to unveil "Roadkill" menu
Supermarket chain Tesco are to start marketing "Chicken that didn't quite make it across the road" next month
Eire's debt to be wiped out
Ireland are to replace the Euro with the Potato.
Rep.Barney Frank hit by ping pong ball gets 12 stitches in lip
Congressmam Barney Frank's only comment was,"Don't ask don't tell."
Panic over leaked British secrets: U.S. puts No.10 on alert over insults to allies as 3m documents are set to go online.
Poland, French want to get early copies.
The Law Love Obama!
President Obama wins police support by dropping all cases of doughnut theft from being investigated.
Never Shown In Scan
News staff person gets fake liquid explosives past TSA guards at airport by hiding it in penis extender.
Doctors say Medicare cuts force painful decision about elderly patients, changing once a moth checkups to once a year.
Tis The Season
Mall food court placed on lockdown after fight, reports of gunshots, Santa cussing out pissing kids.
Oh, There It Is!
UPDATE: FEDEX finds missing cannister of radioactive material in Knoxville. City emptied overnight!
Should Help Everyone
WHO welcomes pope's comments about condoms, relief dolls for priests.
Second-Hand Smoke Kills Thousands
More than 600,000 people killed by 2nd-hand smoke. Many of them while standing around waiting for Willie Nelson to sign autograph.
Hunters Ended Mammoths
Hunters may have delivered fatal blow to mammoths. Kirstie Alley staying indoors until season over.
What recession? Shoppers eat up Black Friday deals. "Better to buy before the dollar drops again."
Friedman's Comment On Nelson Arrest
Willie Nelson charged with pot possession in Texas. Kinky Friedman says he's highly disappointed in Willie....getting caught.
Computer meltdown leaves Aussies without cash. Western countries: Glad that can't happen here!..can it?"
Needs Nuclear Energy
Iran says first nuclear plant begins operating. To be used for energy. "Can't keep importing oil from here".
NKorean Warning #512
North Korea issues warning #512 ahead of US-S.Korean exercises!
Meth Labs Everywhere
Police find record number of meth labs. Three found in port-a-potties!
Boise State Out Of It
One upset clears BCS picture as Boise State upset by Nevada. Most didn't want them in championship. Purists can't help disliking blue turf for football.
World In Debt
Debt turmoil, contagion fears sweep Europe. Americans say they're glad they are here.
Lloyd-Webber offers to write song for Wills & Kate
Declined on basis they're hoping for a long run.
Obama In Stitches #2
Obama gets 12 stitches after errant elbow to mouth. FOX News is going to use film to introduce Conservative shows with theme music.
Obama In Stitches
Obama gets 12 stitches after errant elbow to mouth. Shown 56 times on FOX news last night.
Nelson On Pot
Willie Nelson charged with pot possession in Texas. "They told me I was under arrest but what did I care?"
Willie Nelson On Pot
Willie Nelson charged with pot possession in Texas. "Texas? I thought we were in Mexico!"
Who Would Have Thought?
Willie Nelson charged with pot possession in Texas. "It was for medicinal purposes. I can't sing while straight anymore."
America's Hapiest Place
Welcome to the happiest place in America! "It's ha ha ha It's aha ha ha! "Oh boy! I'll tell you ha ha ha later! (Snicker, fart).
Island Mostly Civilian
NKorea accuses South of using civilians as shields. SKorea says that was who NKorea were aiming to hit on island.
We Appreciate Your Help But....
South Korea grateful for US presence but ask George to quit yelling "Bring It On!"
Brink Of War!
North Korea: Entire region now on brink of war. South Korea: For nearly 60 years.
Knowing Enemy Works Again
Feds: Somali-born teen plotted car-bombing in Ore. before it blew up shoppers. Profiling working just fine!
Paris conservation meeting protects sharks. Bernie Madoff being shipped to French prison.
Taliban Take Credit
The Taliban say that THEY are the ones who delivered the President a smash mouth.
Al-Qaida Hits Obama?
Al-Qaida takes credit for President having 12 stitches taken on his mouth.
Koreas Barking All Night
NKorea accuses South of using civilians as shields. That doesn't matter to us in the least.
Sarah Palin says She Could Run World
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Sarah Palin will supplement her ruling of the United States in the 2012 Presidental Elections, with conquering the entire Earth. "I'll be supreme ruler!" she says to laughing crowd.
The World's Largest Book To Be Produced
It's a catalogue of herbs and spices that have been smuggled the 'I'm a Celebrity...' jungle camp by nutritionist, Gillian McKeith in her knickers!
With all this big deal over the church and condoms when I was asked "What kind of Condom are you?" I replied "A USC TROJAN!" Maybe she was a hooker and wanted to know what to include in her price?
Thought For The Day:
Aha! So that's how you pronounce it... Laocoon! At last.
Sometimes you don't have to make 'em up
from The Telegraph website: Abba star loses bankruptcy dispute with Buddhist monk
Politically Correct Cause?
WHO is concerned about the 165,000 children that die from second hand smoke each year. The UN should be totally concerned about the 7,000,000 children that die of hunger and malnutrition each year!
Impeachment of Iranian President Ahmadinejad
The National Enquirer reports that a motion to summon Ahmadinejad to the Iranian Parliament to answer charges by conservative parliamentarians about his "sleeping around" is picking up steam!
South Korean Temperment
Do S Korean's have the same temperament as Americans, wanting to retaliate against NK for killing their fellow citizens? S Korea's new Defense Minister is a distant cousin of former President GW Bush!
Woman detained at a busy airport for going through the enhanced pat down procedure 40 times. She and a particular TSA screener were having an affair!
Terrorists Employ Germ Warfare
HHS, CDC and NIH admonish the TSA for being the 21st Century's "Typhoid Mary." Those airport enhanced groin, armpit and butt pat down procedures are spreading germs from person to person!
President Obama is OK
President Obama receives 12 stitches after being hit on lip by an opposing player's elbow during a basketball game, but is OK. Pres. Press Secretary Gibbs says the opposing player was a Republican!
The Obama Effect
Someone high up in the Obama administration flaps their gums and the president apologizes!
More from WikiLeaks
Michelle and her mother chastised the president for letting that little twerp in North Korea get away with murder again. Don't you be a wimp like former Presidents WJ Clinton (D) and GW Bush (R)!
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