Spoof news snippets from Friday 26 November 2010
Island Practically Uninhabitable!
South Korean island hit by shelling is practically uninhabitable as shells blow 20-30-year old buried cabbage out of the ground that had been forgotten over the years!
Three Survivors From The Sea
Three Teenage boys survive 50 days adrift in South Pacific. How did they survive? "We started out with six."
Hershey sues Mars over similar candy packaging. Ex-Lax says they are both full of shit!
Most Went Crazy Before Death
Study: Second-hand smoke kills 600,000 a year, second-hand farts only 6 but they died a horrible death.
Stalin The Butcher
Russia admits Stalin ordered Katyn massacre of Poles. He was our Pole Pot!
Happy! Happy! Happy!
Welcome to the happiest place in America! It's the Funny Farm in Loony Bin, Arkansas!
I Almost Fell !
Obama gets twelve stitches after errant elbow to mouth. Michelle's mother say's it was an accident.
Found Near Crane Creek
Police in London have nicknamed another body of a decapitated murder victim 'Ichabod', until he can be formerly identified.
President Obama needs 12 stitches on upper lip after taking a shot in the mouth while playing basketball
So, what would it take to get Mitch McConnell or John Boehner or somebody like that involved in some of these games?
"Gaia works in mysterious ways"
Harriet Harman sees bright side in economic downturn, citing reduced capacity to celebrate "Imperialist, class-dividing, Christocentric late December event."
Pay Per View Stunt Fails
The Times hires publisher of The Big Issue to boost sales
Horse-drawn wagon delivers White House Christmas tree
Douglas fir arrives at White House today in horse-drawn wagon after American economy leaves Lehighton, Pennsylvania Christmas Tree Company too broke to repair delivery truck.
Holiday food poisoning overwhelm hospitals
Hospitals across America are reporting an unprecedented surge in food poisoning cases this Thanksgiving holiday season. Epidemiologists trace the source back to turkeys tainted by Monsanto granary.
Obama/Woods Thanksgiving redux
Woods last year gets stitches from a golf club, Obama this year gets stitches from basketball. What kinda f**king turkeys are these people eating?
Not That There's Anything Wrong With The Name
New study shows that when you take a big bite of really cold ice cream and it goes right to your head & causes a headache, it can affect your brain. So I would avoid Golden Gaytime Cherry.
Must Not Be Important?
New Just-released Study Refutes Earlier Studies Claiming That That Particular Study... Is Now Considered.........Now I've Forgotten!
Sit And Absorb!
Internet and Facebook may be affecting body changes. Science says both our forehead and asses becoming bigger.
Al Gore Bored! Good!!
Al Gore complains that with the global economy and possible Korean War plus new royal couple planning marriage, "no one gives an rat's ass about global warming."
All We Are Saying, Is Give Ono A Chance!
Yoko Ono sues the United States Military for using her music and songs to torture jailed suspected terrorists. Demands royalty fees.
There's A Lovely Spot Harold!
More Americans Plan to Delay Retirement! Most picking burial plot last few weeks before.
Signing Gorilla Beaten Up
Stupid gorilla beats up on signing gorilla who complains that "Dumbo doesn't even recognize the universal sign for 'time out'"!
Why Is Obama Afraid Of FOX?
President Obama says FOX News must black out all photographs of him. FOX says to stuff it. "We have legal rights."
Vatican drops Glitter
Pope chooses theme song, Gary Glitters 'I'm The Leader Of The Gang' to appeal to younger members, the Vatican has dropped this for the 'Back Street Boys' down to controversy.
Pete Rose Offers A Deal!
Baseball great Pete Rose, banned from baseball for betting, says that if Cooperstown will install him into the Baseball Hall Of Fame, he'll return all the bases he stole during his long career.
Obama Addresses Soldier Families
President Obama tells families of troops still in Iraq, "They're still on my 'To Do' list. Got a game on for now!"
Ghana bans the sales of second hand knickers, "mucho bare pussies"
The Ghanaian government have banned the sales of second hand knickers and many women can't afford new ones, what a load of lovely naked "pussy"!
Shoper's For Dropping 'Turkey Day'!
Many say stupid Thanksgiving day ruins a great shopping weekend!
"You'll Cause A Missed Free Throw!"
AP: The US does not want to be seen overreacting to NKorea. That's the reason Pres. Obama hasn't made on-camera statement about NKorea. Besides, he was busy playing basketball.
Too Tired For Kim
Obama spent about 90 minutes playing basketball at Ft. McNair & has returned to the White House. Kim of NKorea invites him to ping pong match.
No Protest Songs?
New anthology with 300 Vietnam-era protest songs, closes by ripping current musicians for absence vs. Iraq & Afghan wars. "Only one with guts is Weird Al"
Donkeys More Expensive
In Gaza, it's tuk-tuks over donkey carts, partly because fuel has become cheaper than donkey feed. Many served up as donkey fazoo!
Obama Needs To Hear From Others Than Yes-Men
Sunday Roundtable: "Obama needs to hear a voice from outside the presidential bubble. Those ears couldn't miss the disappointment of American people."
Something Like That
Suspected U.S. missile strike kills approximately three alleged militants in northwest Pakistan or somewhere near there, intelligence(?) officials say.
Sneaked One By!
Old buddy Jerry Lewis says Dean Martin meant to sing "Mammaries Are Made Of These" on live TV years ago.
Mountain violence before historic Ivory Coast vote. Sorry, that should be "Mounting".
Palin Upset Over Press Blowups!
Palin attacks media over coverage of North Korea gaffe. "They knew I meant South Vietnam!"
US General Tours Island
US general views SKorean devastation. Former Vice President Cheney threatens to 'shoot Kim in the face'. "It would improve it considerably."
Saudis Using Excuse To Clean House!
Saudi forces arrest 149 al-Qaida suspects, enemies of the royal family!
Russia: We Were The First
Russia opens key plant to destroy chemical weapons, keys.
Nixon Tapes On Display
Secret Nixon tapes now available at the Nixon Library in "Adults Only" room.
WikiLeaks At It Again
US briefs allies about next WikiLeaks release, especially French, Polish jokes.
Defiant North Korea fires artillery warning shots into the ocean. Threatens to start a tsunami.
Black Friday Maybe Freaky Friday!
FACEBOOK posting leads to assault with frying pan, stabbing. Woman pees in aisle to slow those behind her.
Black Friday Alright
Mall food court placed on lockdown after fight, reports of gunshots, three men tear doll apart.
Have To Get It Going
Australian Firm To Sell World's First Armpit Testosterone Lotion In US! Many women say armpit farts before sex a turn-off.
AARP Calls Simpson, Simpleton
Debt commission co-chair Alan Simpson calls seniors 'greediest generation'. "They expect the US government to send them Social Security from what they have paid in for 40 years!"
What A Treat We Have In The US!
Palin: My fellow Americans in all 57 states, the time has changed for come. With our country founded more than 20 centuries ago, we have much to celebrate: Obama accuses Palin of stealing HIS message.
Shoppers accuse WAL-MART of false advertising. "I'd like to wipe that smile off that little yellow spot's face", says customer!
US briefs UK govt about next WikiLeaks release. "Blair and Bush only dressed in skirts and tops for fundraiser."
Koreas Near War
NKorea warns region is on brink of war. Former President Bush in Crawford, Texas: "Bring It On!!"
Taliban Hiring More Actors
The Taliban is hiring more actors in their attempts to make fools of NATO. The Taliban is offering 70 Virgins to these actors in hopes of getting more men to take important Taliban roles.
Carter Apologizes To Jews
Former President Carter officially apologizes to Jews for remark last year. "I apologize to all Jews. Now will you end embargo of peanuts?"
McDonald's Announces "Turkey On The Go" For Thanksgiving Day Shoppers
Shoppers enjoyed a Thanksgiving meal at the Food Court in the mall. Ordered "family style", the meals include "fortune cookies" called McThanks. "We want to keep the spirit alive," an official said.
To prevent drowning, hold breath when head is immersed in water.
Honesty Best Policy
According to Dr. Ruth, honesty is the clue to any relationship. "If you can fake that, you're pretty well in like Flint!"
Bernard "Turkeyman" Matthews Dies
Bernard Matthews, who made his millions bringing cheap turkey to the masses, meets the Grim Reaper's Chopping Block at 80!
Bush On Horseback
Former President Bush states in his new book that Putin was a big show-off, riding on horseback in pics. "I had done that many times but before Laura could take a pic, the quarter would run out."
Gore: My Best Feat Since Inventing Internet
Global warming has slowed down over the past 10 years, say scientists. Perhaps even the past 50 years.
Ireland In Worse Shape In Hundred Of Years
Ireland in worse shape since St Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland and into the world's law schools!
Just As Safe
NHS Study: Meat and milk from cloned animals is 'no greater safety risk' than ordinary artificially fattened producers of regular meat and milk.
Somebodies Selling Weapons!!
"Nuclear Nations" jump from eight in 2005 to 107 by 2011!
Shocking extent of Britain's 'postcode lottery' of NHS care revealed that patients are simply left on hospital wards rather than being looked after in stroke units. Many Mailing this to Obama.
Palin May Divorce to Support Presidential Bid
Admits confusion as to whether being married to the First Lady conflicts with her opposition to gay marriage.
Many Blame Beer At Bars
Passenger hauled off plane for too many bathroom breaks. Objects that pilot took three visits before take-off.
Germany Hurt By Bailouts
The escalating debt crisis on the eurozone periphery is starting to contaminate creditworthiness of Germany and the core states of monetary union. German leaders may do a beer conference of their own.
Saints Still Win!
NFL's Saints steal win over Cowboys with late touchdown. Cowboy owner breaks toe kicking booth.
What Halftime Performance?
Black Eyed Peas to perform Super Bowl halftime. Perfect time to refill on snacks, get rid of all that beer.
Apparently It's A Clock Warning
More than 600,000 people killed by 2nd-hand smoke. Consumers advised to remove second hands from clock before they begin smoking.
Flat TV's Still Have No Programs
Sharp holiday price drops seen for flat-panel TVs, Pong games!
Critics say Obama lagging on endangered species like far-left voters.
Joint Adventure At Turin
Fiat wants Chrysler joint venture at Turin plant. Negotiations 'shrouded' in mystery.
Being Thankful For!
What liberals and conservatives can be thankful for this Thanksgiving: That we haven't thrown both of them out of office.
Carp On Shakedowns
Asian carp create nagging fear in Lake Erie towns as chemicals in water has led them to grow legs.
Just A bit At A Time Not So Painful
Portugal adopts deficit-reducing austerity plan to use over 40 year period.
Mammals Succeeded Dinosaurs
Dinosaur die-off cleared way for gigantic mammals. Two different Kirstie Alley types dug up in two different locations.
Lab Grown Instead Of Soil
Amphetamines growing drug threat in Asia: UN report. Earth-friendly natural drugs on the decline.
Passive Smoking Criticized
600,000 die each year from passive smoking: study states that more should get off their ass and go outside & walk around while smoking.
Jail Half Finished
Locally, Barren's new jail about half finished, builder says. Hopes rest is completed soon as over 50 prisoners have walked out so far.
Viking Explorers Came First?
The Viking explorer, Leif Erickson may well have been the first European to reach the Americas, but it is a certain Genoan sailor who gets all the glory. Both drawn in by lights of Indian casinos.
Three Great Rescues!
Teenagers adrift in Pacific for 50 days reach land. 17 rare sea turtles rescued off Cape Cod, Mass. Man who dropped by for cup of coffee at mall rescued from mad shoppers.
SC Man Arrested
SC man accused of threatening to shoot president. He says he's upset with man he voted for.
US May Open One Soon
Russia opens key plant to destroy chemical weapons. Estimate ten years to finish job.
Pakistan police say bombing plot in capital foiled. First success in five years.
Rangel Punishment Thursday
Punishment phase for Rangel set for Thursday. Will be drawn (by artist) and quartered (Fined 50 cents).
Europe Debt Hurts Market
Europe's debt crisis weighs on markets again plus helps to hide that of the US!
First Book Out On Royal Couple!
First Kate and Wills book published; more in store soon. First one has 1500 photos of the couple standing by microphone.
As Nkorean Threats Increase
Japan election sure to show opposition to US base. They sure picked a good time for it.
New Drug Tunnel
Sophisticated drug tunnel found in San Diego. Police needed map of discovered underground maze!
NKorea Usual Nutjobs At It
NKorea warns region is on brink of war. Japan say their Kamikazes ready to take to the air!
Mammals Still Huge
Dinosaur die-off cleared way for gigantic mammals like you see in today's WalMart!
Mall Too Full To Leave?
US shoppers crowd malls all night long. Many still there at 6:30 this morning.
Ready To Lap The Kiddies
US shoppers crowd malls all night long. Today, Santa Claus arrives wearing adult diapers.
Rat Mauls Rottweiler
Obesity Epidemic Threatens Fido, Fluffy, New York City Rats Too!
Animals Too Fat Also
Obesity Epidemic Threatens Fido, Fluffy, Too. Example, 150-pound cat featured in the World Weekly News!
Russia To Destroy/Sell Chemical Weapons
Russia has inaugurated a plant designed to destroy the country's largest stockpile of chemical weapons or at least those they cannot sell to Iran, Syria, NKorea.
Shop Till You Drop!
US shoppers crowd malls all night long. Need to spend it while we can!
Shop All Night
US shoppers crowd malls all night long after holding back the last few years.
Brink Of War
NKorea warns region is on brink of war. As Kim Sr. instructs his son on being the same pile of crap as he has been.
Region Brink Of War
NKorea warns region is on brink of war...and has been for 50 years!
A new survey over men's preference for the size and shape of women's faces has determined that all men like a little head.
'Global Warming Liberalist Hogwash' says poorly educated Right-Winger
NEW YORK - A right winger has yet again attacked Global Warming as communist plot, like 'soccer', even though he failed to pass high school.
Black ice Blamed for black out on black Friday
Retiree Mel Black in a black Mini to buy blackberries got a black eye after blacking out on black ice, and hitting a pole on the Blackhorse Pike. "Blackie, our black lab is OK," said his wife Blanche.
Thought For The Day:
Ooh, my bloody shoulder hurts!
Manny Pacquaio scores a knockout both in the boxing ring and in the Philippine Congress!
Martha Stewart Loses it On Thanksgiving Guest
Said the celebrity about one of her guests, "She was just horrendous. First, she swilled her wine like a drunken sailor, and then she ate her dessert with her salad fork. How gauche.
Kim Jung & Son
WIRE: North Korean leader and son, a chip off the old blockhead, visited artillery site before shelling.
China, Russia Quit Dollar
CHINA, RUSSIA QUIT DOLLAR! United States should quit buying their products! Where's the Tea Party?
Slow The Spread of Heretics
Pope Benedict XVI has recommended that all none Catholics wear condoms.
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