Spoof news snippets from Thursday 25 November 2010
Billy Joel Really Hip!
Billy Joel mending after replacements of both hips. Don't Ask Me Why?
It Was Murder!
Republicans claim that California didn't fall into the sea. It was pushed!
Vatican Recommends Condoms Against Disease, Boredom
Vatican: Condom use less evil than spreading HIV, OK if studded for her pleasure.
DeLay Sentence Delayed
Judge has many options in sentencing ex-Rep. DeLay as he pats his billfold. "Yes, many options!"
American delight in stupidity declining
National Association of Morons president Ima Bitthick: "Palin giving us a bad name."
Palin Clarifies North Korea Remark
"I meant stand with our ally Gonorrhea."
Brady Wins Another One
Brady throws 4 Touchdown passes, Brady Bunch top Lions 45-24!
"I can't take it anymore"
Tina Fey considering cosmetic surgery after latest Sarah Palin gaffe.
Del Monte Sold
British Company to buy Del Monte for $4 Billion. They will change the name to Del Monte Python.
Republican Platform passes for Spoof story.
Both A Tad Angry
North Korea threatens more attacks on mainland. "You will be flattened like an anvil dropped on a coyote. South Korea replies: You will all be begging to have the anvil fall on you!
Black Friday has already began on Red Thursday as shoppers were told they were sold out on advertised items.
YAbu Dabai Doo
Royals express disappointment Fred Flintstone not on hand to greet them during foreign tour.
Palin Corrects North Korea Gaffe
Says she now realizes it did not fight for the Union during the Civil War.
David Cameron keen to poll Britons on level of happiness
Daily Mail readers excluded on basis nothing makes them happy.
Palin criticizes UK for failing to celebrate Thanksgiving 'for like the thousandeth time'; vows to keep assaulting the English language in protest.
William vows to remain close to new in-laws
Party Pieces now expected to fit up Westminster Abbey for next coronation.
Sean Ryder bitten by snake on I'm a Celebrity
The snake is now in detox, going cold-turkey and said to be "doing well".
Sarah Palin confuses North with South, she lost her compass!
Sarah Palin has completely lost her bearings (not those between Alaska and Russia) she mistook North korea for South Korea, but still thinks Kim Jong-il is kinda cute!
'North Korea Created Snow to Destroy UK Industry and Commericialism' says NK Rep
PYONGYANG - The communist dicktatorship of North Korea has sent snow to attack Britain's workforce by slowing it down in traffic jams, and thereby stopping productivity.
P.O. Better Protected
Nation's post offices to install bullet-proof glasses, not for the worker's safety but the customers.
Stonehendge Getting Makeover
Stone henge to get a makeover. Big rocks to be cleaned by local cleaning company. Rocks tilted, dusted!
Gobbler Warning: Red!
Overcooked Thanksgiving turkey blamed on Gobbler Warming!
Scientists who captured anti-matter two weeks ago are now missing.
Most Scan & Ran
Why the Airline Opt-Out Protest Failed? After sitting in car jam for an hour, no one had time to opt out!
The Latest Dope!
What's the latest dope abut the 2012 presidential election? Most say it's Sarah Palin.
Spindly Species Found
Spindly species found in ocean's crushing depths, White House, congress.
Thanksgiving Parade A Hit
Kanye West, Kung Fu Panda star, the naked cowboy, all appear at NYC parade
Secretary of State Clinton says that dealing with the Mideast crisis is as frustrating as being a woodpecker in a petrified forest.
Thousands of students took to the streets, hanging around in groups, doing petty violance, shouting, singing, drinking beer and refusing to go to their lectures.
So nothing new then.
34% Increase in Jam Sales
Marmalade industry in a sticky situation.
The Spice Girls are BACK
No wait, there they go again.
Call Davy Crockett, Jim Bowie!
Satellite images show Mexican drug army gathering up just across the US border!
All Troops Out By July?
President Obama: I'll have all our troops out by next July! "Out of where, the US?' asks reporter.
Gore Going Goo-Goo!
Al Gore Flipping out without Tipper. "Forget global warming, the earth is flat! The sun is melting!"
News reporters officially change 'Bush's Vietnam' to 'Obama's Vietnam' when reporting on Afghanistan!
Tareq and Michaele Salahi In Korea?
Tareq and Michaele Salahi among those filmed leaving South Korean island that was shelled.
Most Prefer The Tickling
New nurse nervous over her first 'shaving' patient. "You have to move his thingy from side to side or else tickle it so it will be straight up and you can shave all around it!"
"No Use Taxing Us!"
Millionaires say they have it hard too. "We're down to only four servants and they're illegal", states 65-year-old.
Print Going Down Fast
Wall Street predicts that more newspapers will fold in the US this coming year.
BiPolar Bear Having Problems
Bipolar Bear keeps going onto floating iceberg and then swimming back to safety.
Obama At Turkey Festival
President Obama may visit the Macy's Parade today. "Nothing much going much here, just that Korean thing."
Could Have Been Two Atomic Boobs!
'They were staring me up and down': Woman claimed TSA security staff singled her out for her breasts. TSA Agent explained they didn't look real.
Poor Will Breed!
Welfare cuts will encourage the poor to breed: Outrage as new Tory peer claims cuts will put middle classes off children. Poor say that 'porking' is only thing left untaxed!
SpoofCredits Going Way Of Dollar, Euro
So who's next for financial meltdown? Spain, Portugal and Belgium set to follow Ireland into abyss as debt crisis threatens to destroy the euro. Many predict "the SpoofCredits"
Despite hip surgery Billy Joel still 'uncool'
...says Smash Hits magazine
Iranian Wildfowl Leader Denies Existence of Thanksgiving
President I'm-A-Dinner-Jad says, "It's just an excuse for American turkeys to appropriate the name of a great Islamic nation."
Yesterday's Sports Headlines
England are on course for a historic Ashes victory against Australia.
Susan Boyle arrested
Scottish singer Susan Boyle has been arrested for public offence by the Scottish gendarms. "That last album was disgraceful!" said the senior constable. "A true insult to human dignity." Boyle's gone.
Latest Bin Laden Video
In his latest video especially for the holiday season, bin Laden says that he believes that Rumsfeld and Chaney are still alive.
Boyle facing cannibals
Susan Boyle has been asked to perform songs for a secret African tribe previously lost to civilisation. It is not generally known that she may be eaten by these cannabilistic peoples. What's for tea?
Freeddom To Spoof In The Buff
Reminder: On the internet, no one knows you're writing spoofs while stark naked!
Product Sales To Drop Dramatically?
Starting in 2011, the huge Tea Party organizer FreedomWorks will urge supporters to punish corporations like for backing President Obama's progressive agenda. Products to avoid list will be sent.
The Warming Issue Put On Hold
Pro and Anti-Global Warming scientist agree to a cooling off period!
Full-body scanners popping up!
Full-body scanners popping up at courthouses, Times Square for New Years.
Joke Not Appreciated!
Amy Winehouse arrested after sticking a bag of giblets up her ass. "Police have no sense of humor."
Deactivated Body Scanners?
Fliers Claim TSA Has Deactivated Body Scanners. "They ran us through like WalMart on Black Friday."
Black Friday Tomorrow
Malls market Black Friday to foreign tourists.."It's kind of like 'The Running of the Bulls!"
TSA Being Thorough #2
Lady Gaga asked if she was searched with a fine tooth comb? "I think they even checked my tooth cavities!"
Los Angeles Police Sued for Attacking Young Man
LOS ANGELES - The city's police department have been sued under the city's courts for unlawful beating, tasering, shooting, drugging, extorting, stealing, killing, & cremating of John Fullick, 20.
TSA Being Thorough
TSA say they will search turkey cavities on Thanksgiving Day!
"I Didn't Even Want To See It!"
'Potter' charms international moviegoers by the use of magic, of course.
New Spiderman Musical #2
A web of marketing awaits the Spider-Man musical which will include Southern Rock favorite: Midnight Spider!
New Spiderman Musical
A web of marketing awaits the Spider-Man musical featuring ads by Jimmy Muffet...Buffet.
Derek Acorah Cleared Of Handling Stolen Goods.
But then possession is nine tenths of the law!
Stuffing Will Leave You Stuffed
National Health: Stuff your mug with turkey, not stuffing.
Faecbook Trademarking Face #3
Facebook moves closer to trademarking 'face'. "What a big ass!....but she has such a beautiful mug."
Facebook Trademarking Face #2
Facebook moves closer to trademarking 'face'. "Situation in Korea a 'mugoff'.
Facebook Trademarking 'Face'
Facebook moves closer to trademarking 'face'. From now on ladies will be making up their mugs in the morning.
Hotter Air In Washington, DC
World's lakes, rivers getting hotter, more than the air. Exception, the Potomac around DC area.
Reagan Was Voice In Ads
Obama asks country to help make tomorrow better. General Electric sues as they had copyrights on that statement.
Einstein Predicted Obesity?
Study backs Einstein notion on expanding universe, pants sizing!
Help Tomorrow Be Better
Obama asks country to help make tomorrow better. Most agree, ask him to resign.
Ford Opens Chinese Dealerships
Ford opens new China dealerships as sales expand as lower dollar means prices are low.
Euro & Dollar Having Tough Times
EU bailout fund chief: no danger of euro collapse but "I wouldn't be in any rush to purchase Euros right now."
Just May Pass!
Voter anger fuels support for "Repeal Amendment" as states sick to death of Washington over-ruling their own state.
Murkowski Seeks Voice
Murkowski seeks voice in Alaska election lawsuit. "I've screamed bloody murder till I can't talk", she writes on slate.
Pope's Statements Welcome
WHO official welcomes Pope's statement on condoms, hoot owls.
HIV At 40%
HIV Prevalence Hits 40 Percent Among S. African Farm Workers, Farmer's Daughters!
Carter Needs Help
US designates 'critical' polar bear habitat in Arctic. Jimmy Carter say they are behind in Habitat For Polar Bears.
Polar Bears, Victims Are On Critical List
US designates 'critical' polar bear habitat in Arctic, San Diego Zoo.
Just Place Your Order & Quit Flirting
India district bans phones for unmarried women. So the woman that takes your order for US product is married.
Maliki Gets Second Of Four Terms
Maliki awarded second term as Iraq PM as the counting of votes begin.
Glad We Couldn't Understand Them
S.Korea boosts defences as North warns of new strikes. War of words being hurled all night between those on frontiers..some really bad.
Holiday hordes prep for sales. Many using shields for protection while running through doors.
SAP at a crossroads after losing $1.3B verdict. "Right now we just feel sapped", says CEO.
Paper Rules #2
Review: Paper wins over e-books for travel guides, swatting annoying insects.
Review: Paper wins over e-books for travel guides, especially as emergency toilet paper.
Somali Pirates Convicted As 'Samoli Pirates!'
US jury convicts Somalis as pirates in Navy attack. Somalis object to being called "Samoli Pirates" throughout the trial.
E-mails show struggle to guess size of Gulf spill, from BP's several gallon to Greenpeace's hundred billion barrels.
Most Men Have A Third Eye
"Third Eye" clarification: Reporter had camera implanted, not an actual third eye.
Palin Criticizes "Bluebloods"
Sarah Palin criticizes Michelle Obama, Barbara Bush and Mary Todd Lincoln. Now 2 Lincoln ghosts roaming White House.
He's Come Undone
DeLay undone by effort to consolidate GOP power, especially concerning his own position.
Big Glow Worm?
Scientists unveiled on Wednesday a gossamer, ghostly creature discovered in the deepest reaches of the ocean between Indonesia and the Philippines. Seen only on SpongeBob SquarePants before.
Stuck In The Woods
Storms, not airport security, slow holiday travel as several Amish buggies caught in buggy jam halfway to grandma's house.
TSA Not Slowing Down Crowds
Storms, not airport security, slow holiday travel as snow, sleet, high winds, traffic jams more troublesome that a quick pic at the airports.
A Sobering Thought
U.S. condemns North Korean attack, but military strike unlikely as it could lead to war that would kill everybody & everything everywhere.
Obama was asked about intrusive and intimate pat-downs at airport security
"As usual, Michelle is doing me a Butterball, Happy Thanksgiving." Huh?
Rosie O'Donnell in Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade
For the first time in the history of the parade Rosie O'Donnell will be tethered as a live "balloon" between Bullwinkle and Snagglepuss
Obama was asked about the tensions between SK and NK
"Hopefully it will be as successful as DKNY." Huh?
Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg has "come out" with the confession that he wishes to engage in a dominatrix relationship with Tory co leader David Cameron in which he will be the boss!
Doddy Goes to Number 10
On the back of David Cameron's "happiness" survey veteran entertainer Ken Dodd will assess the nations views. Dodd will focus on the possibility of tax reductions with lessons on evasion!
Wealthy terrorists to fly private charter jets
Class warfare erupts between rich and poor terrorists over who does and doesn't have to go through airport security. Cash-strapped terrorists claim discrimination, calling the disparity "unfair."
Palin Calls Obama Soft On Terror
Cites turkey pardon as evidence.
It's so hard to get good help
Barbara Bush says she didn't put miscarried fetus in a jar, maid did.
Palin attacks Michelle Obama's campaign on childhood obesity
Also denies she is running out of stupid things to say on the basis she does not know what stupid means.
Madonna responds to growing evidence of invasive TSA body searches
Plans year long cross country trip.
Hide in Plain Sight
Closeted U.S. Senators enthusiastically abandon airport toilets following brief on invasive TSA pat downs.
Only News Unfit to Print
Most read stories on news websites also most bizarre, sex-related or just plain stupid for 6,488th consecutive day.
Misunderstood History Could Kind of Repeat Itself
Tea Party announces plan to sell Manhattan to India.
Free Insulin Sample Inside
Daily Mail to publish special commemorative treacle on April 29th.
I hate you, hate you, HATE YOU! And I'm running away!
The Guardian to publish special commemorative wobbly on April 29th.
Randy Quaid Cracks
Randy Quaid says Canada has saved his life. "The mounties, I believe it was Sergeant Preston himself because it looked like Yukon King beside him, defended me against the mob.
Palin Versus Barbara
Sarah Palin dismisses Barbara Bush as a 'blue blood'. Barbara Bush dismisses Sarah Palin with a backhand.
The Usual Suspects
Portuguese to blame Kate and Gerry McCann if national economy collapses.
Irish Demand Climate Change
Want Greek weather in exchange for accepting Greek financial situation.
Cherie Blair clamped while bending over to tie trainer.
Irish Blessing Turns Curse
Roads will rise to meet you as pavement maintenance spending slashed.
Reality Show Contestant Shortage
Talentless attention seekers abandon television in favour of Google Street View.
Michael 'Shirtoff' profits from naked body scanners
Former DHS chief Michael 'Shirtoff' Chertoff fulfills fantasy of having his surname forever lampooned by bad punsters due to his profit participation in naked body scanners.
The Friendly Skies
Unattractive Americans abandon misrepresenting appearance on internet dating sites in favour of sure-thing slap-and-tickle at airport security.
Good as Gold?
Irish consider potato as alternative currency.
London transit unions realise strikes more effective when commuters don't know they're coming.
25,000 students rampage in London over uni fees
24,435 unsure of why or just trying to pull.
Fite the Defasit
Americans agree education spending can go in bid to reduce government spending.
Just like the Founding Puritans
Travelling Americans prefer body scans over sexy body searches, 23,439,983 to 1.
USA Snookered by North Korea Again?
USA urges China to restrain North Korea! Does Secretary of State Clinton have the testicular fortitude to finally stand up to the childish dictator of North Korea or will the USA once again cave in?
A New Set of Perks
House Minority Leader Pelosi must fly commercial air to her San Francisco CA district. TSA screeners in Washington DC are getting the full body scan machines & enhanced pat down procedures ready.
What a Sore Loser
House Minority Leader Pelosi's new mission is to block Pres. Obama making deals with Republicans. The egotistical witch would f**k-up the USA moving forward for her ideological far left liberalism!
ABO Sues ABO
The American Board of Organists (ABO) sues the group Anyone But Obama (ABO), a bipartisan political action committee of Republicans and Democrats, over acronym infringement!
Halloween in November
Former first lady Barbara Bush says she hopes Sarah Palin stays in Alaska. President Obama says he is not thinking about a 2012 race against Palin. The GOP & the Democrats may be scared of Ms. Palin!
Obama says he is not thinking about the possibility of facing Sarah Palin in the 2012 election. Why is David Axelrod leaving the White House in 2011 to set up the presidential reelection campaign?
Obama Administration Communications Gap
A federal agency says leave lights on to prevent crime & illuminate property to enhance safety. Another federal agency says turn off lights to save electricity, conserve resources & ease pollution.
The next Congress may consider legislation classifying SECRET the Obama administrations cluelessness about achieving sound economic, domestic, defense, energy, terrorism and foreign policies!
The Thanksgiving holiday has arrived, but there has been a turkey and Gibbs-lets in the White House for the last two years!
The climate conference in Cancun Mexico is to consider the huge amounts of hot air, noise pollution and BULLSHIT generated by the Obama administration!
Forget the TV political pundits predicting the 2012 presidential election! Washington DC street vendors are already selling tee shirts and buttons that read "I SURVIVED THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION."
People Reading News OnLine
Magazine and newspaper sales are really down over the past two years according to an article on Drudge.
There Goes The Debt Problem
US Mint to begin making practically impossible to counterfeit dollar bills of differing denominations. All old dollars have six months to be turned in or worthless.
Good Joke On China
China Signs Huge Oil Deal With Iraq, Huge Copper Deal With Afghanistan but here's the catch: They are having to pay triple with their horde of worthless dollars!
Palin Already Working On New Book
Sarah Palin began writing on her next book after signing sessions this week. It's to be called, "Pissing Off The First Ladies".
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