Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 24 November 2010
"Canada saved my life," says Randy Quaid
"I'm seeking refugee status in Canada, because the Griswold's are trying to kill me (aka Cousin Eddie), why do you think they call him Chevy Chase"
Helpful hints From TSA: 'How to speed your way through Airport Security'
If you're male, don't wear women's underwear, remove your guiche piercing. If you're female, take the batteries out of your dildo, remove the jewelry from your pierced labia.
Faked Street View
Google Street View image of woman 'giving birth' on Berlin pavement exposed as fake. It was actually a man!
Lost Your Face?
Facebook allowed to trademark the word 'face'. From now on it's your 'mug!' as in 'The Mug That Launched A Thousand Ships!'
Those RAF Planes Were In The Wrong Airspace
Dive, dive, dive! How amateur pilot in a Cessna caused chaos to 29-plane RAF formation marking the Queen's Birthday. Apologizes for spot of bother.
Former Troops To Restore Discipline!
Call me Sir! Former troops to be recruited as teachers in crackdown on trendy schooling. "Drop down and give me ten! Then DO your homework!"
Rioting The Thing These Days
Burning with anger: London streets in flames again as 25,000 go on rampage in new student fees riot. "Worse than last year's 'Who was the best Beatle riot", says officer.
Heard It Here First
When asked about the North Korea firing on South Korea yesterday, Sarah Palin stated: "I hope those two don't come to war. That would be worse than East & West Vietnam."
Obama The Spender
Cost of operating Air Force One Hits $181,757 per hour as Obama Sets Travel Record, trying to flee Americans who realize they made a huge mistake.
Big Implant Mix-Up
German man demands money back for breast implants: "I was supposed to get penis implant. I am upset!" "Tell me about it", says bowlegged, flat chested female patient.
Pardon My Turkeys, Please
Obama Pardons Turkeys in Thanksgiving Tradition. "They were already thinned out earlier this month in elections."
Gashouse Gases Up In 2009
Greenhouse gases 'rise to record levels in 2009'. 'Glad we got that over and done with", say many.
How About "Assface"?
Facebook Could Soon Own the Trademark for the Word "Face". Assbook copyrights asked for the word "Ass".
Face Copyright By Facebook
Facebook Could Soon Own the Trademark for the Word "Face", the two-faced son of a guns.
Sure They'll Tell Us!
Muslims tell women to ask airport searchers to allow them to search themselves. Obama may agree. Anytime now you'll hear some Muslim lady say, "Why, there's a grenade in my head dress!"
Blow Up Their Cartoons
U.S. condemns North Korean attack, but military strike unlikely with ten zillion Chinese watching.
McDonald's fast food
Faster when it had a saddle on it?
Obama Versus Palin
Obama says he doesn't think about race vs. Palin. "I ran against a woman last time, remember?"
Irish Unveil Tax Hikes
Irish unveil harshest cuts, tax hikes in history. No one allowed to wear green unless conservationist.
Greenhouse Gases Up
UN: greenhouse gas concentration at record level. Then it's not factories here because most of them have been shut down.
Gloom, anger, despair, agony, deep-dark depression, excessive misery spreads as European economies teeter.
Pirates To Be Keelhauled
American jury convicts five Somali Pirates on piracy charges. Will be keelhauled off Florida Coast next Spring.
Brit student protests turn violent, the beer run out!
Brit students on the rampage turned violent today after peacefully protesting about the rising of fees the beer run out and then it turned really NASTY!
Press Always Makes It Worse!
Airport lines move smoothly despite warnings about security. "The press are always out to get a wild story going", stated one employee...doomed to die this very night!!!!
Pilgrims Enjoyed too much beer and ended up on Plymouth Rock
A drunk captain lead the pilgrims to Plymouth Rock. It is believed that if the captain hadn't been drunk on beer, they might have landed in the warmer climates of Florida.
Pelosi to Cock Block Obama
Nancy Pelosi said she would cock block any Obama attempt to please Republicans.
Rooney is barred from entering Scotland!
Before tonight's "Battle of Britain" clash between Man U & Rangers there was an incident on the border, Rooney was refused entry, he forgot his passport! He didn't really want to play anyway!
A Pot Conference
Pres. Obama and S. Korea leader Lee agree to hold joint military exercises, joint meetings in California hospitals where joints are legal!
Colors To Words
Homeland Security recommends replacing color-coded terror alert system with more descriptive way of describing threats, like 'Fair unto middling' and 'Shit your pants now!'
Girl From Ipanema Called Police
Bomb threat closes roads in Rio de Janeiro after suspected explosive device is found in Ipanema, Brazil police sing.
Obama Partons Turkeys
President Barack Obama pardons turkeys 'George Bush' and 'Cheney'!
Sarah Palin A Distraction
Sarah Palin, wearing a swimsuit: If I Become a Distraction I Won't Run.
DiCaprio A Real Man
Tough-guy Putin calls DiCaprio 'a real man'...after checking him TSA style.
Charged Me Equivalent Of $2,000 An Hour
Man arrested after calling cops to complain about prostitute's performance. Pro insists it was not her fault that he lasted 30 seconds.
I Need To Go Again
Passenger hauled off plane for too many bathroom breaks claims he had the shits!
Inspection gloves spreading infections? Question comes from basketball player who was hand-checked.
Fatties, Smellies & Politicians! Oh My!
TSA WORKERS FEAR BACKLASH...Vent their anger at fatties, politicians and smellies.
Paul's Crotched Grabbed
Ron Paul: Crotch Groped by TSA, Calls for Boycott of Airlines. "Thought I had 2 grenades hidden."
Full-body scanners popping up at courthouses, shopping malls, available to use before allowing anyone into your house.
You Can't Trust Relatives
BIG SIS: Next step for body scanners could be trains, boats, Grandma's house for Thanksgiving.
Tea Party: Buy Made In USA Products
China and Russia have decided to renounce the US dollar and resort to using their own currencies for bilateral trade. US citizens should purchase US made products as much as possible.
Now Hully-Gully Around The Room
Woman: Agents Singled Me Out For My Breasts! "Made me jump up and down on trampoline to see that anything secretly concealed would drop out."
So It's True?
Child born with two heads has highest IQ ever recorded.
Number Of DUIs To Increase
AAA Expects Record Traffic on Highways or at least on and off highways.
61% Against TSA!
POLL: 61% oppose new airport security measures. Should a plane be blown from the sky, 95% would be for new airport security measures.
TSA issues further guidelines
According to TSA it is prohibited to put a smiley face on ones buttocks, a tail sticking out of ones ass, glasses on ones penis and glitter on ones vagina,until further notice.
Obama's responds to China's refusal to pin blame on N Korea
"We believe General Tso's chicken." Huh?
Gigolo sues the TSA
Deuce Bigalow in a statement said, "The radiation from the scanner has made me half the man I used to be."
Heather Mills breaks her nose going through JFK security
Sir Paul's ex was asked to remove her leg before proceeding through the scanner, lost her balance and fell flat on her face. The leg was fine.
Arkansas Man Sues TSA #2
Arkansas man sues over new TSA full-body scans. "Now the whole world will know I have a half-inch penis."
Arkansas Man Sues TSA
Arkansas man sues over new TSA full-body scans after discovery of possum in pants.
Working Abroad Seminar.
Conclusion: Some people are working abroad. Some aren't.
Saul Bellow Letters Revealing
Saul Bellow letters show man behind novels. Not written all by itself and previously thought.
Ryanair Announce Cutbacks.
Latest "frills" to go include wings and radar.
Bush Book Selling Many Copies
George W. Bush memoir has sold 1.1 million copies, 897 originals and rest are cheap copies sold on the street for a buck.
Pilot transplant project aims to spur kidney swaps among pilots!
Middle-Aged Americans Unhappy
Middle-aged Americans unhappy about sex while older Americans popping purple pills and enjoying the thrills of massive dills!
Come Swim Our Lake
World's lakes getting hotter, more than the air. Many along Lake Superior to open oil-free beaches.
Black Friday Blitz
Thrift stores seek a share of Black Friday blitz. But retailers say "You've had most of the customers lately."
China To The Rescue
Euro slides as Europe's debt crisis spreads. China offers help.
Obama Accused Of Friending Castro
Obama admin accused of not supporting Cuban dissidents, pursuing policy of 'aggressive niceness' toward communist country. "Don't come to Miami", say many.
Martha Stewart Special
Martha Stewart Special tonight on Thanksgiving will show everyone how to flip the bird.
But This Is Our Biggest Story
Storm shuts roads in Rockies; Utah blizzard looms! Over 100 suicides as weatherman get carried away.
Pope Condemns Condemnation Of Using Condoms!
Conservatives at odds with Vatican over condoms. "Like taking a shower in a raincoat!"
Nkorea Wants Attention
Analysis: Attack is North Korean bid for attention. "You're stupid and we all know it, OK?"
Save The Tiger
Focus on India as world meets to save Tiger. Woods hasn't won a tournament in over a year now.
SKorea, US Play War Games
US, S.Korea plan war games after N.Korean attack. Stick out tongues, asses towards NKorea.
Flying Snakes' Secret Revealed
In many jungles snakes make pact with monkeys who hurl them towards another tree.
Thought For The Day:
Golf! What's that all about? It's not even a 'good walk spoiled' for my mate - he uses a buggy. Lazy bugger!
How To Eat Turkey
Talking Turkey: Tips on How to Eat the Bird Safely: Chopsticks are difficult to use and children can get eye injuries. Remember old proverb about not running through the house with chopsticks in hand.
Poll Results Released
Afghanistan releases majority of election results. Dog at others.
Give It To Everybody Else
AP-Gfk Poll: Consumers feel less angst from debt. Holiday shoppers may ask for bailout in January.
May As Well Shop!
AP-Gfk Poll: Consumers feel less angst from debt. "Whole country in debt anyway."
Worm Farmers Having No Customers
Thousands of worm farmers say they have been had. "We were tricked through ads promising riches!" Looking into sea monkeys.
Pope Benedict promotes 24 new Cardinals. Global Warming scientists say that this is another sign of Global Warming.
Floods, Then Drought Equals Out
Weathermen: Many areas of US to be exactly on average for rainfall this year. Global Warming groups say that is a sign of Global Warming.
Big Snowstorn Out West
Storm shuts roads in Rockies; Utah blizzard looms. Weathermen say there's already a mountain of snowfall.
Anti-AIDS groups hail drug but worry over cost. However, mass production could bring it down. Also, formula stolen and cheap overseas.
The Third Eye
3rd eye: NYU artist gets camera implanted in head. Pervert gets one implanted in top of shoe.
India Restricts Cell Phone Use
India district bans cell phones for unmarried women. However, unmarried men can call mothers all day.
Cry For Attention #2
Analysis: Attack is North Korean bid for attention. "We have flying snakes also."
NKorea A Cry For Attention
Analysis: Attack is North Korean bid for attention. May get more than they asked for.
NKorea A Cry For Help
Analysis: Attack is North Korean bid for attention! "A cry for help from the poor military leaders", say nutjob psychologist.
Avoid These Whenever Possibly
Flying Snakes' Secret Revealed! Also, the secret of the 50MPH Hoop Snakes!
Flying Snakes' Secret Revealed! Little wings pop out as they fly to another tree.
EU Troubles Continue
Portugal, Spain hit by investor fears over debt. Madoff: "I'd forgotten all about those."
Scanner Protests #3
Placards, kilts, mimes wearing five layers of clothing part of plans for scanner protests.
Scanner Protests #2
Placards, kilts, painted on skin swimsuits part of plans for scanner protests.
Placards, kilts, several Lady Godivas part of plans for scanner protests.
Manchester United Fans Expect A Warm Welcome In Glasgow
But only in Celtic pubs.
The Vatican Rag
First you get down on your knees,
Fiddle with your rosaries,
Bow your head with great respect,
And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!
Doin' the Vatican Rag.
Thanks Tom Lehrer
Gillian McKeith Wants To Talk To Katie Price.
Why? Gillian said she's never seen 'I'm A Celeb' So how would she know KP got voted to all the trials too? SEN smells a rat...
RIP Ingrid Pitt: We Will Never Forget You
Fangs for the mammaries...
Bristol Palin's Son Tripp Offered TV Show
"Neglected By The Stars" to premiere in January.
So Farewell, Ingrid Pitt.
Cor! Didn't half fancy you in my teens in the 70's!
Tiger Woods sues TSA
Tiger Woods says, the TSA accused him of trying to bring a golf club through security. TSA apologized, saying it appeared to be a Nike swish when Mr. Woods went through the full-body scan.
Bigger Wongs In Phone Book
One in 400,000 Li Wongs in China changes middle name to Bigger!
Man Posing As Taliban Leader Misled NATO
A man posing as a Taliban leader told NATO that Osama bin Laden was in Afghanistan instead of Pakistan - and was paid millions. "We found out he gave us a phony address," an official commented.
Kim Kardashian refuses the full body scan at a US airport as she doesn't want anyone to see her naked, except in Playboy Magazine. Kim opts for the enhanced pat down given by a smiling TSA screener!
Environmental Thanksgiving Turkey during a Recession
Free range turkeys, who have led a good & complete life, are available for milady's green, organic, animal rights Thanksgiving table this year. A mere $11 per pound "gives this bird" to her family!
Bring Back the Peseta and Escudo
EU is considering a North & a South Euro, allowing debtor nations to cut the value of their currency. Germany & France are upset as Spain & Portugal may only print physically smaller sized Euros!
Eagerly Awaiting New House Speaker Boehner
Lame duck Congressional Democrats propose new spending. US economy grew slightly faster last summer, benefiting from stronger consumer spending & improved overseas sales, meaning more tax revenue.
Items Discovered at the Airport
TSA screeners using full body scanners are finding various items stuck in travelers butts, such as tax bills & lawyers notices. Apparently, it's the result of irate clients telling them "to shove it!"
TSA SCREENER: We're not here groping or molesting people, just checking for explosives that could be hidden in the groin area. PASSENGER: Get your finger out of my arse, you're not a Proctologist!
But Not the Flying Peasants
The TSA Director has announced that US Government Commissars, I mean high ranking US Government Officials will be exempt from airport full body scans and enhanced pat down procedures!
The Cat in the Hat
Freshman Congresswoman wants 150 year old US House rule changed so she can wear a hat in the chamber. New House Speaker Boehner agrees provided President Obama wears a Dunce Cap when visiting!
President Obama Pleased
President Obama congratulates the Democratic group "Organizing for America" & the great job they did in electing Republicans to the US House. All are being reassigned to Yeonpyeong Island South Korea!
President Obama also Failed Arithmetic
President Obama said the US must extend tax cuts for the middle class ($2.4 trillion) but could not afford to do so for the wealthy ($700 billion). Obama's far left wing ideology trumps arithmetic!
South Korea Warns North Korea
SK warns NK of "enormous retaliation" if it took more aggressive steps after Pyongyang fired scores of artillery shells at a SK island. Seoul was preempting an apology from Pres. Obama to Kim Jong Il!
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