Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 23 November 2010
Tea Party Gets Down to Business!
Washington - The newly elected Tea Party members get down to the important business of saving incandescent light bulbs.
Leaded Toys For All Good Girls & Boys
Consumer groups warn of holiday hazard from deadly toys, especially from the Chinese Santa.
Vatican Promotes 26
At the Vatican Sunday, the Pope promoted 24 new Cardinals and a couple of Peckerwoods!
Condoms For All!
Vatican: Everyone can use condoms to prevent HIV, even monks, priests!
Three unidentified politicians held at Dulles Airport
"We can confirm, that three male politicians are being detained, after a full-body scan detected pork and earmarks on their shorts," was the only comment made by an airport security official.
Paris Hilton turns heads at LAX
"Having lost my cell phone three times in the past year, I'm not taking any chances," was her response to the strange looks she got from TSA security after going through the full-body scan.
Hillary Clinton goes through full-body scan to alleviate people's concerns
An official was overheard saying, "Man, she's got balls." It wasn't known whether he said it before or after she went through the scan.
RuPaul spotted at the Jackson-Evers International Airport in Mississippi
After going through the full-body scan, one TSA woman was heard to gasp, "Lordy, he is all M-A-N!!"
Monica Lewinsky detained at Miami International Airport
Officials would only comment, "We detected five Cuban cigars when Ms.Lewinsky went through the full-body scan."
"Gee Wally, They Gave Me An Award!"
An embarrassment for the AMA Awards Sunday night when Justin Bieber actually won 5 awards but came out with four. It seems that a member of the audience, Jerry Mathers, left with the fifth one.
The Geezer Bandit
An old man they call "The Geezer Bandit" has been holding up banks in San Diego. He tells the teller to hand over her money or he'll begin showing her 500 pictures of his first great-grandchild.
"I Knew It Was Something!"
George W. Bush in his new book, Direction Points, forgets to mention the war in Iraq.
Thank YOU MUCH!
Of all times for Justin Bieber's voice to change, why did it have to happen in his acceptance speech for his fourth award Sunday Night? Sounded like he was suddenly possessed.
Dead Nazi Won't Be Tried
A Nazi suspect indicted on charges of involvement in the murders of 430,000 Jews at Belzec death camp has died in Germany aged 89 before he was to go to trial. That's 65 years of appeals.
Then A Quick Nap
Increase of number of layovers blamed on heated pat-downs.
Today's Odds From Bookies
Vampire books outnumber werewolf books 20-1 while 15-1 against zombies, 20,000-1 over Bernie Madoff.
Then Used For Compost
Tipper Gore states that Al Gore using tree bark in the bathroom for toilet tissue was the last straw.
A Little More Patience Please
Pentagon: Next twenty years will be the key to winning in Afghanistan!
A Pinch Of This, A Dab Of That!
Emiril Lagasse on Good Morning America says that he always uses a pinch of ground Mussolini to top all his homemade pizzas!
No Bad Memories?
Breakthrough Pill to block out the bad memories! Like that blind date you had last month.
Swiss Change Slogan
The Swiss Alps have changed their slogan to "The Best Place In The World To Break A Leg With Free Beer & Yodeling Contests".
Don't We Know You?
In Oldham yesterday, detectives who raided the house of a suspected drug-dealer found cocaine, cash - and an off-duty policewoman inside.
Not Mentioned In Infomercial
Japanese makers of Ginsu Knives say their product is so sharp it will cut anything but a fart!
A Wicked Tongue
Bishop who said 'shallow' William and Kate's marriage would fall apart within seven years has been suspended, as the Bishop said to TheSpoof.
Canadian fast food fatties score hit on U Tube!
U Tube has 3 new heroes, fast food fatties from Canada devouring a 5 thousand calorie pizza and more, skinnies watching should put their fingers down their throats!
"Did You Hear The One About Putin?"
FUN AND GAMES: White House speechwriter set to moonlight as stand-up comedian. Embarrassed Obama by giving him the wrong script at recent conference.
Scientists at Oxford University claim dogs are quite smart
Finally, puts to rest why Camilla is smarter than Prince Charles.
Protection For Sharks
Experts demand better protection for sharks, as Bernie Madoff attacked in his sleep once again.
Still, Better Than The Year Before
UN: Emission pledges fall short of climate target by 99%!
Minnesota Vikings Were Fed Up With Childress
Sources close to the Vikings now say it was the coach's catering service menu requirements that were responsible for the team's poor performance this season. Negotiations with McDonalds are rumored.
Tea Party Taking Over Tea Vee?
Predictably, Tea Party members deny a conspiracy to help Bristol Palin on 'Dancing with the Stars'. Predictably, someone will accuse the Tea Party of anything they can.
Dalai Gives Up Ceremonial Duties
Dalai Lama wants to give up ceremonial duties and will do so in a ceremony early next year!
Home sales dip 2.2 percent in October. No one wants to purchase a dipping house!
Dips Out Of Luck
Home sales dip 2.2 percent in October. Dips moving away from selling real estate.
Imposter Poses As Taliban Negotiator
Man involved in Afghan talks said to be impostor as soon as they see Mrs. Salahi.
Belgium: 11 detained in 3-nation anti-terror sweep, finding explosives in their brooms.
North Korea Fires on Island of Yeonpyeong! And that's exactly what it sounded like!
Impact of midterm elections? Most Americans bet on gridlock until a new president turns everything back around.
Why Moderate Alcohol Good For You
Scientists learn why moderate alcohol use can be good for you but haven't sobered up enough to explain yet.
They Told Me This Was A Stock Market
Stocks head to lower open after Korean conflict, EU debt and some poor farmer misunderstanding letting three cows get loose on the floor.
Irish Know How to Crash a Party in Europe
The Irish know how to crash a party, and this time their party crashing ways are slowing economic growth in Europe. The Irish blame banks for giving them free whiskey with every bad loan they made.
Kim Kardashian Doesn't Believe in Sloppy Seconds
Kim Kardashian claims she doesn't like sloppy seconds because she needs to feel special; even if almost every male in the world nows what she looks like naked.
Bishop Who Claims Royal Wedding a Joke -- Loses Job
Bishop Broadbent claims the royal wedding of Prince William and Kate won't last and it's a joke lost his job when his boss, the Queen, fired him for going against her family.
Vampire Fans Can't Sleep During Day, Anymore
Vampire fans can't sleep during the day, because of rumors that Buffy the Vampire Slayer will be coming out of retirement with a new movie.
Both Turkeys Pardoned?
Rangel and White House Turkey could both be pardoned Wednesday.
Date Of Royal Wedding Given
Prince William and Kate Middleton to wed April 29 at Westminster Abbey, royal household announces, earlier if WWII begins.
American Indians Already
'Half of Americans' Facing Diabetes by 2020. Meds for Diabetes stock makes stock jump.
Bill Clinton Likable!
Bush 41 and Barbara: 'You can't dislike Bill Clinton. He's very likable'...Our son is not speaking to us.
Fun & Games
FUN AND GAMES: White House speechwriter set to moonlight as stand-up comedian. WWIII starts in Koreas.
Just Fire It Anyway!
REPORTS: Technical woes halt some Iran nuclear machines, especially after Israeli computer attacks.
Trains, Subways Next?
Are Trains and Subways Next For Searches? "Hope not", says worker. "Some of those guys wear up to ten pairs of pants."
White House Wants Searches Continued
White House Fights Back: Terrorists Have Discussed Use of Prosthetics to Conceal Explosives. "If one went of we'd not have a leg to stand on."
Koreans Going At It!
S. Korea denies seeking redeployment of U.S. tactical nuclear weapons but tells US not to stray far.
NKorea Attacks SKorea
NKorea's military command vows 'merciless' military strike against SKorea. Japan, US Navy on alert.
Better Sell The House & Get One
Nissan Leaf runs equivalent of 99 miles per gallon and only costs about $40,000.
Unhappy About Sex
Middle-aged Americans unhappy about sex, especially those still living with parents.
Small Bump Still There
Small bump expected in economic growth in Q3 as Wall Street jumper still in the road.
Arizona school district sends letters home about overweight kids. Blocking up halls so bad everyone is late to class.
Ready For 2012 Elections?
First ads of 2012 GOP presidential fight going up in Iowa. Placing them over 2000 and 1998 posters.
Watch The Skies
Forecasters warn of buzzards in Washington state. Sorry, should be blizzard.
Pilot transplant project aims to spur kidney swaps at local farmer's markets.
Skip The Monkey Pat-Downs
TSA pat-down leaves pet monkey traveler and TSA employee covered in shit.
Call Me Lama!
Dalai Lama 'to retire' from government-in-exile role' after swear-in today.
Disaster In Cambodia
Cambodia festival stampede leaves nearly 380 dead. Leaders told to call off next year's festival stampede!
High In Lockups!
Juvenile lockups high in Kentucky. Officials think friends are smuggling in drugs.
NBA's Hunter is 99 percent sure a lockout looms for pro basketball. WWIII begins in Koreas?
Kids Do Better W/O Meds
Kids' ER visits fell after cold medicines' removal. Were side effects worse than colds?
First Things First
Rivers throws 4 TD passes in 35-14 Chargers win. WWIII starts.
Portugal Is Next
Portugal prepares to be market focus after Ireland. Other countries ask to join EU so they can be bailed out.
Oil Rig Victims Kin Protest
AP Enterprise: Rig victims' kin feel left out. "Doesn't human lives outweigh oiled birds, fish and coast sand?"
Tea Party Is For It
Should Pluto Be a Planet After All? Experts Weigh In. Plutonian lobby efforts helping.
NKorea fires artillery onto SKorean island, 2 dead. World War Three begins. Palin Wins Dancing contest.
Plane Passenger Pissed
TSA pat-down leaves Mich. man covered in urine. Being pissed on has other passengers angry.
Feds Raid Hedge Funds
Feds turn up heat on Wall St., raid 3 hedge funds. Found them to be more "moneytrees" than hedges.
Obama Still Catching Blame
Auto industry success a hard sell for White House. But the long term results turn voters against Obama.
Dems and Republicans Agree To Ignore The Deficit
In a rare show of unity, both parties agreed to let the nation hurtle toward bankruptcy. Releasing a joint statement, they said "Plenty of talk, but no painful choices. That's what people want."
Irish Bad Debt Gamble Fails Again
Hopes of saving the Irish economy failed today when Lazy Tinker pulled up after leading the Paddy Power Handicap Chase this afternoon. "There's still Eurobillions" said Finance Minister Brian Lenihan.
TSA announces the hiring of Santas
The uproar over the patting down of children has prompted the TSA to hire Santas to help with security. The kids will get to sit on Santa's lap, and he'll find out if they've been naughty or nice.
North and South Korea test their pea-shooters!
North and South Korea have shot at each other with their pea-shooters. The reason: the North accused the South of kidnapping their dogs, a delicacy in Korean cuisine, the south denied it, woof, woof!
Tea Party Questions Presley's Patriotism
"Why just a blue Christmas? What about red & white?" rant party brass.
Other journo's scoop goes here whilst we frantically work the phones...
Unconfirmed rumours too good to pass up go here.
Wee price fixing scandal?
News of the World pursuing claims unusually corrupt leprechauns behind spikes in gold price. Daily Mail and readers shocked and appalled by disgusting, greedy short people.
Harriet Harman: William Missed My Hints
Ex-Minister for Spoiling All the Fun admits she'd have chucked it all to become Queen.
"I genuinely did not understand I am not a sovereign nation."
News of the World dupes Sarah Ferguson into seeking EU bailout.
No charges as FBI raids hedge fund offices
Anemic economy blamed for lack of progress in screwing investors.
Royal Wedding Off?
Middleton considering postion after realizing she is not a contestant on "I'm A Celebrity..."
"Can't get much more miserable than that!"
Wills and Kate seek to avoid downhill slide of Charles and Diana by starting life together in Wales.
Beggars Can be Choosers
New poll shows 95% of Irish credit leprechauns for providing bail out funds.
British Constitutional Experts Confess
'truth be told we make it up as we go. Otherwise it doesn't pay terribly well.'
Lanky Daniel Day-Lewis to Play Lincoln
Susan Boyle tapped for Mary Todd.
The similarities end here
Middleton declines summer holiday on garish yacht with bonus trip to Paris.
Pope says he could resign if his health fails
No mention of logic or morality.
New Constitutionally Sound Thinking is Required
When is the USA going to stop using 19th Century laws to solve 21st Century problems? For example playing cops and robbers leading to TSA invasive screening & tickets/fines for texting while driving!
Americans have Lost Patience with Karsai
Karsai indicates Afghans losing patience in war! Pres. Obama we Americans have lost patience with Karsai's corruption, so how about bringing US combat troops home & let US covert forces do the job?
California Bureaucrats to Remove Toxins in Products
Chemicals are to be guilty until proven innocent! Some household adhesives were very good until the liberals banned ingredients that made them stick, as toxic. Now these products are worthless.
What do we do now?
Yanks to experience identity crisis if WikiLeaks actually does post 3 million U.S. secrets.
Fourth Amendment Rights (Search & Seizure)
Mr. TSA Director, as an American citizen what part of "I don't want anyone touching my body, don't you understand?" See you at the Supreme Court sonny!
A Shortage of Invasive Full Body Scanners
A TSA screener (Dr. Mengele) was seen waving people to the left for an enhanced pat down or to the right to go to their airplane, after they emerged from the existing airport metal detector equipment.
Obama and Social Conservative Republicans Don't Get It!
Federal/state elections were about the economy/jobs, e.g. less spending, taxes & regulation; not abortion, same sex marriage or gays in the military. Obama & the GOP are headed for history's dustbin!
Irish Shrug Off Bailout
Poll shows 90% prefer a drink and a nice chat over solvency.
Ring of truth...
Chelsy Davy changes Facebook status to Also Ran.
No Global Warming
Hundreds of scientists say that global warming is a myth. "We have to come up with something or other every few years or everyone would ignore us."
No Gate-Crashers This Time
President Obama said today that he was going to be more careful about his state dinners and not allow those gate-crashers, Mr. & Mrs. Joe Biden in this time.
Sir Paul McCartney
Sir Paul McCartney says that his last few weeks with his former wife Heather were rough. "I would always be just sitting there, waiting for the other shoe to drop."
Super Bowl Halftime
Due to cutbacks this year, the February Super Bowl halftime show only a TV warning for kids and the a parade of NFL cheerleaders with one boob hanging out!
Security Searcher Fired
New York City Kennedy Airport fires security searcher for continued goosing incidents.
Now Watch This Five Minutes Closely
International chess championships to begin having instant replays.
Give An Arm & A Leg
In Bear Wallow, Kentucky, the long arm of the law finally caught up with some local bootleggers.
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