Spoof news snippets from Monday 22 November 2010
Greater Manchester Police To Axe 3,000 Posts
"It's all illegal fences and must come down immediately," said spokesman.
Warren Buffett joins 'Patriotic Millionaires' chorus: Tax me. Willie Nelson "Shut your yap!"
Linden Lab Lags
Following an online survey of UK Second Lifer avatars Linden Labs have confirmed what many already know...
UK gamers are online virtually 24/7 except to sign on, collect benefits, shop and go home!
Afghans Growing Weary Of Foreign Troops In Their Country
"Foreign policy is different from chess in that way," Secretary of State Clinton was heard muttering in frustration. In chess, the pawns never complain."
Nobody's Keeping You From Paying
Warren Buffett joins 'Patriotic Millionaires' chorus: Tax me. Why not just figure it out and send it in?
Insider Trading Widens
FBI raids 3 hedge funds as insider trading case widens. Martha held up in the Maine woods.
F.B.I Raid Hedges
F.B.I raided some Hedge Funds today, but some agents got lost in the bushes outside, because they didn't understand their instructions and were too afraid to ask questions about their instructions.
Warren Buffet Losing It
Warren Buffet thinks the rich in the United States should be paying more taxes. It is just another sign that Mr. Buffet is losing his mind in his old age.
Kate Perry Worried Her Boobs Might Take Attention Away from Her Singing
Kate Perry doesn't want VH1 to use pictures of her that show too much cleavage because she wants to be known as a singer and not someone that benefited from a beautiful body and face.
Jimmy Carter Won't Watch Fox News Anymore
Jimmy Carter said he can't stand Fox News because the stories on the ntwork are so distorted and are comparable to fascist lies.
Feds Pull Away From GM
Feds are backing away from GM because it is believed that the brand doesn't handle well in winter conditions. They feel safer letting someone else behind the wheel of the auto maker.
Pope Says Trojans Are Best Condoms
Pope Benedict XVI is the new spokesman for Trojan brand condoms. As leader of the Catholic Church, I needed to raise money to pay for all the lawyer fees, so that is why I support Trojan condoms.
Vince Young Shook Up
Titans quarterback Vince Young said that he never knew a football game couldn't end in a tie. "When they mentioned a "sudden death", I thought they were trading me to St Louis, the new crime capitol."
Mike Tyson of Dutch footie, Luis Suarez admits, "I was starving!"
After a boring game of footie between Ajax & PSV tempers really started to 'boil' as Suarez took a bite out of his oppenents shoulder, "I was starved because I forgot my half time orange" he said!
MNDOT Defends Lack Of Visibility
MNDOT source defended the widespread complaints that salt trucks were nowhere to be seen duing this weekend's ice storm, saying "We were behind you. We were keeping a safe distance due to conditions".
Brett Favre Out After Season
After yesterday's loss to Green Bay, Minnesota Quarterback, Brett Favre stated that this was definitely his last year. When asked 'In the NFL?" he answered, "In life if we keep playing like that."
Pope agrees condom use can be justified-
-if you need party balloons.
Even larger deposit of fossils found!
Scientists dub important site, "The Baby Boomers".
Obama Ready To Row!
President Obama finally finished his campaigning today and will now begin his campaigning for re-election in 2012.
Installing Microsoft Software On A New Laptop:
Police Leave Stopped
The prosecution of a Policeman for a murder caught on CTV has resulted in all Police leave being stopped so that relevant CTV pictures can be exmined in order to find him miles away shopping.
French duck farmer fed his ducks on cannabis, pourquoi?
A French duck farmer who fed his ducks on cannabis was fined and arrested, he only used the weed as a means of ridding the ducks of worms, and getting high now and then, what a load of ol quack, qui!
New Invasive Airport Security Works
TSA declares itself victorious. A week after pat downs that violate Terry Vs Ohio, 100% of US airlines have gone out of business as people quit flying, TSA says "See, terrorists can't fly now either."
New Cheney Book #2
Former Vice President Dick Cheney is about to release his new book: "Say Goodnight, Bushy!"
New Cheney Book
Former Vice President Dick Cheney is about to release his new book: "Heart Attack!"
Bieber Artist Of The Year
Bieber wins 4 AMAs, including artist of year. Needs body guard to help carry out all the trophies.
Delay Gave Blessing?
Prosecutors say DeLay gave blessing to scheme. Delay: "Gave blessing? What am I, the pope?"
Survey Harsh In Language
Survey: Economic growth will be tepid through all of 2011, twinkle-toed through 2012!
A Mixed Blessing
Believers find mixed blessings in Pope's comments, long drawn-out 'old man fart'.
When Irish Banks Are Smelling!
Latest: Irish to shrink, merge, hold up banks as part of bailout!
Don't Believe I'd Told That!
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez accuses fugitive TV tycoon of $100 million plot to kill him. Thousands of others call fugitive tycoon to make deals.
Everyone's Doing What They Can
Ireland's finance minister says nation will seek a rescue package from the EU, IMF, Iron Mike Kelly and European Central Bank.
Queen Once Visited
Update: Saudi Arabia says King Abdullah in stable health. May come to the US and spend time at Calumet Farms in Kentucky.
No NKorea Crisis?
U.S. envoy says N. Korea's reported uranium enrichment facility is provocative but not a crisis until they blow us all up!
Eagles top N.Y. Giants, 27-17 as both the Manning brothers take one under the chin!
Person Of Interest Found In Utah
'Person of interest' named in shooting of ranger near Moab and Nebuchadnezzar, Utah.
Nazi Suspect Dies
German court: World's third most wanted Nazi suspect dies before trial can start. Former victims say hang him anyway!
TSA Tells NBC: KMA!
TSA chief tells NBC that agency is rethinking screening procedures. "It's a hands-on experiment. We may find something better soon."
New License Plates
Bill would create 'DON'T TREAD ON ME' license plate. 'Don't Blow Me Up!' also popular.
Drunk Drivers With Nuclear Weapons Load
Government agents driving nuclear weapons in trucks sometimes got drunk as incident last year when 2 agents were detained by police at local bar during a convoy mission. "We got scared", they counter.
Black Friday Coming Up
Shoppers line up for 'Black Thursday' deals. Retailers hoping for stampede!
Pope Says He Might Resign
Pope Benedict XVI says he would resign if decapitated! Sorry, that should be incapacitated.
Economy Hurting Most Western Countries
Ireland Second Euro Nation to Request International Aid as Banks Wobble. Rescue Would Dwarf Greek Bailout. Portugal on the brink. Spain Will Be 'the Biggie.. Germany..Don't ask!
Global Warming Exxagerated A Bit?
Former U.S. vice-president Al Gore said support for corn-based ethanol in the United States was "not a good policy", weeks before tax credits are up for renewal. "I took my best shot & missed!"
False Info On Global Warming
One year on, Rajendra Pachauri speaks of regret at false assertion that Himalayan glaciers would disappear by 2035. "Maybe 3035? Would you believe...7035?"
Saints Go Marching In
St. Louis tops list of most dangerous cities. St. Paul second and St Petersburg third.
No Harm Here
7-year old girl: 'Grandmama, they touched you on your special girl spots'. Grandmama, quit fanning yourself and answer me.'
Underwear Search Reveals WMD
TSA BOSS REGRETS: ABCNEWS STAFFER GETS UNDERWEAR SEARCH! "Actually I was proud to show it off!"
Really, Really Thorough
Passenger chooses to strip instead of undergoing pat-down. Then they forget to check clothes as he shows others in line his mace container from his pocket.
Number One Again!
Best places in the world to retire without any worries? The local cemetery!
Capri Anderson to Sue Sheen Because Her Career Is Going Backwards
Capri Anderson is going to sue Charlie Sheen because he is the reason her career is going backwards and her video sales are dropping. "Nobody wants to see me naked anymore, thanks to him." she said.
Bishop Broadbent controversy over Will/Kate Thingy
Church of England warns: If you bash the bishop you're a wanker.
Romney, Huckabee tied with Obama on Top of List of People Who Shouldn't Be President
Romney, Huckabee, and Obama are tied on top of a list of Americans who shouldn't be president, according to a new poll put out by Citizen for Responsible Government.
Brett Favre Might Quit
Brett Favre said he might quit or retire, depending on the semantics of the whole situation. "This team sucks, and my receivers can't run good routes or jump really high." Favre told reporters.
Viking Fans Wish They Could Be Packer Fans
After screaming they should fire the coach, while the game was still being played against the Packers, Viking fans said they wish they could be Packer fans because the Packers know how to win.
Protesters plan to use Viagra against TSA
Protesters are urging the male flying public to take Viagra 3 hours prior to their flight Wednesday.The hope is the line will be extended anywhere from 8 inches plus per male causing utter chaos.
Mike Was On
Titans' QB Young loses starting job following %$#**$#&# outburst!
Maybe It Will Increase Attendance
SeaWorld, Busch Gardens, Carhenge, World's biggest Ball Of String are raising admissions!
Cher To Share?
Cher is back in 'Burlesque'. Plus no barf bags. Thought we'd warn you!
Know All About Sex!
Poll: Baby boomers are confident about sex. "What's there to know? Just hop it!"
Survey: Economic growth will be tepid through 2011. Either that or worldwide depression.
Higher Prices Help Tyson
Higher prices help Tyson Foods return to 4Q profit. Other companies: Maybe that's what we should do!
More Plane Problems
Engines just latest trouble for Airbus superjumbo! Before that, it was obese people who thought jumbo might have extra wide seats.
Nelson Trashes Obama
Florida Democratic Sen. Bill Nelson trashes Obama in private meeting, but a Kiss Ass in public!
Coroner Gift Shops #2
LA County coroner aims to revive gift shop sales. "How about an extra long penis & $1,000 gift certificate for the surgery?
Coroner Gift Shops
LA County coroner aims to revive gift shop sales. "How 'bout a brain from a blond...that's rare! Bound to go up in value."
Coroner Gift Shops Open
LA County coroner aims to revive gift shop sales. For the lady who has everything: A pickled Penis In A Jar!
I Bought You Something You'll Need Someday
LA County coroner aims to revive gift shop sales. Toe tags seem to be the best seller thus far!
Plenty Of Sharks Left
More than a million Atlantic sharks killed yearly but relatively few Injury Lawyers!
Kim Dangerous To Everybody
N.Korea nuclear disclosures spark global alarm. Especially Kim going around banging them with a hammer while singing "Flintstones, We're The Flintstones!"
Men A Lost Cause?
WIT is helping women succeed! Especially those who are NIT WITS!
Plenty Of Other Fish In The Sea
Fish Story? Doubt Cast on Depletion of Big Ocean Species!
China On His Mind
Obama's Afterthought: Is the E.U. Getting Short Shrift? Yes, Mr. President. There are more countries that China!
Israeli bill seen as threat to future peace deals. Bill says no giving up anything ever again forever said to have passed.
Security protest could disrupt Thanksgiving travel. "Better to go over the river & through the woods than fly to grandmothers", says Travel Magazine.
Gangs Of Cyberthieves Attack
Cyberthieves still rely on human foot soldiers. Hire whole gangs that do nothing but sit a computers and hack your site.
Chinese Out To Poison Everyone With Products
AP IMPACT: Cadmium, lead found in drinking glasses. Guess where they came from?
Fliers Are Angry Over Searches
A grope too far: Fliers' anger at TSA boils over. Calmly walks to the plane totally naked.
St. Louis Most Dangerous City
Saint Louis tops list of most dangerous US cities. May change it's name to just 'Louis'.
Facebook Foe May Resign
Facebook foe pastor offers to resign over affair. Loses face with flock.
Well That's Encouraging
US: NKorea's nuke claim provocative, not a surprise. "There's probably nukes in most countries by now."
Pope's Remards Uncertain
Believers find mixed blessings in Pope's comments. "Apparently we can use condoms that have been blessed by priest", says one confused member.
New Penis Pills #2
New Penis helpers coming out but beware the cheap one from Nigeria that causing bags to swell instead.
New Penis Pills
New Penis helpers coming out may offer Viagra, Levitra & Cialis stiff competition.
Pope Easing Up?
Pope approves condoms in some cases. Also, penis enhancement drugs to improve marriages.
Facebook Taking Over?
Facebook now has 25% of all viewers. Will it pass Google, Yahoo? Some say it's according to the face & if you have been booked.
I Imagine So
Children safer in Afghan cities than NYC: NATO envoy. Especially in Central Park at 3AM.
N.Korea nuclear disclosures spark global alarm. Now Congo has revealed it's nuclear facilities.
Green Party In Ireland
Green party in Irish govt demands early elections, preferably in the Spring when things begin to bloom.
Administration says: There is no inflation.
Feds claim there is no inflation after monetizing US debt. The new way of calculating inflation no longer considers food or energy into the equation, that way they're not lying and we're still broke.
President Obama Disbands the TSA
A Presidential Executive Order disbands the TSA. Air Force-One had a flat tire and Michelle had to fly via a commercial carrier. She was groped by a TSA screener using enhanced pat down procedures!
Italy begins it's "Ye Auld There Is No Such Thing As A Mafia Days" this Friday. Free spaghetti & wine!
Snooki In Trouble Again
Snooki arrested for attacking woman in bathroom stall. "I want an all woman jury", she demanded.
Always Had seconds
Houston wife arrested for apparently poisoning her husband finally answers police questions: "I put it in the second cake" she retorted.
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