Spoof news snippets from Saturday 20 November 2010
Illegal Aliens Proven To Be Human Beings
An autopsy performed on an illegal immigrant shot by an angry American showed that he was a human being, not an alien invader from outer space. Congressmen from border states dispute the finding.
Most Never Knew That
Spielberg picks British actor to play Lincoln. "British accent and Kentucky accent nearly the same."
Camilla Could Be Queen
Prince Charles suggests Camilla could be queen. Elton John upset!
Gza Gza Next?
The golden girls: Susan Sarandon, Sigourney Weaver and Jane Fonda strip off for steamy magazine shoot. It's amazing what plastic surgery can do.
Schwarzenegger Opens Big Mouth!
Arnold Schwarzenegger: California shows the green revolution is alive and well and hopelessly in debt!
Stolen Statue Spotted
Italy cop on NY vacation spots stolen statue. "Thata bigga statue in harbor stolen by French!"
Inca Artifacts To Be returned
Peru president says Yale to return Inca artifacts, especially the Jimmy Durante collection of Inca Dinka Doos.
Clear Clean Beaches
Feds: Oil spill claims process needs transparency. Florida, Mississippi: It's our beaches that need transparency!
At It Again?
Report: Feds conducting big insider trading probe as special unit heads for Martha Stewart's house in Maine.
Act As Adults
Boehner: House Republicans must address raising debt ceiling 'as adults'. "No more dicking around."
N.O. Told To Boil Water
New Orleans ordered to boil water until Sunday. "Now listen close and follow orders this time. DO NOT BOIL THE SAME PAN OF WATER!"
Especially Condemn Obese Smokers
Health group urges restrict flavored cigarettes, milkshakes!
Go Ahead, Punk
Millionaires to Obama: Tax us..but don't dare to take away our social security.
Economy in perspective
Figures show UK debt smaller than Sarah Ferguson's.
In Case Temptation Comes
Pope: condoms can be justified in some cases. Orders all monks to keep plenty at their abbeys.
Princess Royal seen smiling in Reuters photograph.
No surprises on High Street
Cameron/Clegg both seen buying Brokeback Mountain Blu-Ray as Christmas gift for the other.
Best Man for the Job
Hillary Clinton caught on tape confessing she often shuns makes up and hair brushes as part of 2-prong plan to woo voters in next Presidential election or prepare for life as homeless person.
Virgin/Vegan confusion may derail Royal marriage.
Princess Margaret/Queen Mum will not attend Wills wedding under any circumstances.
Big Society Leads to Giant People
LONDON - The Big Society cultural directive of Tory government leads to unnatural increase in size of average British person. Labour opposition laughs as new strain on NHS created indirectly.
Strip Mine World To Open In Spring!
Kentucky to use top of mountain taken off by strip mining, to create "Strip Mine World" for a whole family tourist attraction. "Being on a ferris wheel on top of a mountain is a great experience!"
The Magic Touch!
Harry Potter's magic on Friday: $61.2M. Potter movie to be all-time record setter?
Citizens Getting Fed Up With Government Inaction
Airport Security Firestorm Ignored by President, Cabinet! US citizens are becoming very tired of having their problems ignored.
US Gov. Threatens FOX
FOX Network in trouble with Government after refusing to say how they got video for their new "Best Of The Airport Gropings!"
Pop A Pill & Pop Into Bed!
A new experimental contraceptive has been developed that not only prevents pregnancy, it vibrates your privates for a solid hour.
Iran Under Pressure
The U.N. Sec. Council expressed "concern" over Iran building new nuclear facilities. If not discontinued, the U.N. says it could escalate from "concern" to "severely frowned upon" or even "A Note!".
ITV say that the biggest X-Factor shock was Aiden getting voted off last week. Surely the biggest shock so far is fat bastard Wagner still being voted in?
Pluto Not Happy
NASA asks the newly discovered planet in another solar system to come replace Pluto.
China Rerouted Internet
Pentagon says "aware" of China Internet rerouting last April. Say some Chinese still chuckling over TheSpoof stories.
New Obama Book
President Barack Obama says he will have a new book coming out in 2011 entitled "The Audacity of A President of the United States Being Born in Kenya"!
Small Business Association Booming!
America's Small Business Association claims it now has 90% of all businesses as members. Ten percent came from big business who cut costs over the past two years.
New Martian Evidence Updated
New images show evidence of ancient Martian lake now believed to be caused by an impact by a meteor. "Either way, there's a huge lake there now", says astronomer Tyler Blanski.
Poland has ordered a recall of all it's Grominski's Candied Clams # 3778 with use date: Jan. 2012 on the can.
Lohan Out Of Lovelace
Lindsay Lohan's 'Inferno' role flames out! "She's not up to Linda Lovelace standards", says executive producer!
"Are You SURE you Didn't Find Anything?
Some airline passengers say they don't mind feel down. "Just as long as it's a lady who checks my bag."
WikiLeaks Founder Found
WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange has apparently been charged with rape in Sweden. With the name, we expect him to become a father.
Ducks Flying Upside Down Raises Suspicions
Quack addicts: French duck farmer fined for feeding birds cannabis to rid them of worms. Ducks now in Quack rehab.
Kate Middleton Goes Home
Kate Middleton visits her parents... with an armed police guard next to her and back-up officers with guns following. Parents go screaming into the woods!
Beginning To Pull Troops
Cameron signals the handover of power in Afghanistan will begin this week, end around 2020.
No Tweeting In The Court
Jurors 'should be prosecuted for tweeting from courts and Googling defendants, making sex deals', warns top judge.
Brand New Ghost Town?
The ghost estates of luxury homes that show exactly why Ireland went from boom to bust! Nay, it were tha wee folk.
Pope Running On Condoms
Pope says condoms acceptable 'in certain cases'. "Say, when you're having sex!"
New Bush Book
George Bush, in his new book, "George Bush Senior Is MY Daddy" and dedicated to Bill Clinton, says he's not jealous type.
Bush Honest In New Book
In his new book, Decision Points, he tells of the many times he fell of the bike, Segway and wagon.
New War Plane Planned
New York newspaper says that Wonder Woman has invented a new stealth bomber.
New Rules For Pilots
Pilots get OK to skip stepped-up airport screening. Instead, will drop pants & shed shirt in 30 seconds.
The Taliban Hunt...Tali Ho!
Pakistan says US seeking to expand drone strikes. Using Taliban for improving rocket's accuracy.
We Have Many Unknown Holdings!
Millionaires to President Barack Obama: Tax us if you can!
Bye Bye or By & By?
NATO, U.S. differ over end date of Afghan combat operations. NATO says 2014, US says "by and by".
Fines & Jail For Fliers?
$11,000 fine, arrest possible for some who refuse airport scans and pat downs. "Airport Workers Rule!!" yells heard often in back room.
One Survivor From Japanese Whaler
The latest on the Japanese Whaling ship that disappeared off the coast of Somalia. Lone survivor found floating on wooden coffin says they were after a big white whale when he apparently blacked out.
Another Cruise Ship In Trouble?
Another Royal Caribbean Cruise ship is in trouble, apparently. It has disappeared this morning and it is feared to have fallen of the edge of the earth.
Scan Or Hand?
TSA WARNS: SUBMIT OR PAY! I thought that was the IRS warning.
Obama Not Aloof?
Joe Biden on Obama: He is not aloof! Barack Obama on Joe Biden: "Who?"
At NATO summit, Obama's eco-horror limo is talk of town. Some want to see Obama and George Bush together at the same time.
Baez Slightly Injured
Joan Baez, the 1960's civil rights songbird, was injured slightly injured after falling while coming down her tree house.
Airports defend searches. "We hand-picked every one of them before hiring."
Worse Than Hulk Hogan!
Former Gov. Ventura Will No Longer Fly Due to Abuse He's Endured at Hands of TSA after voice changes to a squeal.
Congress, Senate Should Be Highest Taxed?
Dems in disarray over raising taxes. GOP settled with "Against"!
NFL Setting Injury Records
Colts and Patriots clash in NFL battle of the quarterbacks. May only field nine players each over recent injuries.
Astros Up For Bids
Houston Astros put up for sale! New York Yankees interested!
Tobacco industry lobbies for flavorful cigarettes, but many say "funeral home flowery smell won't help!"
Astronomer's Body Studied
Tests on Danish astronomer's body will take months after 'drawing and quartering' execution by religious body.
Thought They Were Supposed To Do It!
Aliens sent back to Mexico after their misunderstanding over "Alien Probing" incidents.
UFO Offers Help To Airlines
Pilots get OK to skip stepped-up airport screening. Also UFO crew offer to scan entire airports at a time. Will trade for probing some later.
Less Embarrassing, But Not Much
Pilots get OK to skip stepped-up airport screening while study underway that passengers could be herded through one big scan. Sort of like cattle through the gates.
Maybe Prove It By News Film
Deal settles most lawsuits over WTC toxic dust. Now must deal with 3,000,000 applicants who say they were there.
Pope's First Official Miracle
Pope creates 24 new cardinals amid cheers. His first miracle flies all over the stage and crowd.
Black/Indian Settlement Near
Black farmers, Indians closer to US settlement. Remember I'm one-sixty-fourth Cherokee.?
Obama's Beast #2
Obama's 'Beast' of a limo stands out at green NATO summit. Republicans upset that he could be driven in it all the way to Europe.
Obama's 'Beast' of a limo stands out at green NATO summit. He explains it's for a shopping trip and some rounds of golf later!
We're Used To It Here!
Obama's 'Beast' of a limo stands out at green NATO summit. Other NATO members disgusted by hypocrisy.
"Let Them Use Credit Cards!!"
Cash-strapped Brits want royals to foot wedding bill. "We'll need what we have for two-week tipsy celebration."
Average Brit Offers Suggestions
Cash-strapped Brits want royals to foot wedding bill. "Send the bill to Prince Charles. Pawn Camilla's rings.
Everyone Always Wondered...
Raw Video secretly filmed: Pope elevates 24 new cardinals among flapping arms and tweets!
Al-Qaida Making More Enemies Daily
Attack planned on German parliament according to report. As Al-Qaida tries to win more friends and influence people.
Still, They're Better Than Mimes
Puppet troupe celebrates 25 years of cheering children and putting adults to sleep.
How About "The Plain Possums"?
Minnesota has tournament title hopes after upset. May lead high school teams to change names to "The Golden Gophers"
Palin Publisher Sues Over Leaks
The publisher of Sarah Palin's forthcoming book filed a lawsuit against Gawker Media on Friday for leaking pages of "Alaska By Heart: America By Skimpy Swimsuit" before its release next week.
New Palin Book
The publisher of Sarah Palin's forthcoming book filed a lawsuit against Gawker Media on Friday for leaking pages of "America By Heart: Russia From The Back Porch" before its release next week.
New Book Leaked
The publisher of Sarah Palin's forthcoming book filed a lawsuit against Gawker Media on Friday for leaking pages of "America By Heart: I Was Born Naked" before its release next week.
Already Had Plans Made
'American Idol' time slot change adds to upheaval, riots in the streets.
Doesn't Go For Me Of Course
On the road, Obama eagerly promotes electric cars. Then arrives at NATO meeting in monster limousine.
Air Force Screws Up, Clinton Offers Sympathy
Oops: Air Force sends tanker bid details to rivals. "I did that mix-up thing with a couple of lady friends once", says Bill Clinton. "But it worked out."
Air Force Screws Up
Oops: Air Force sends tanker bid details to rivals. Both now ask to resubmit bids and bonuses.
After A Small Party
Regulators close 3 banks in Fla, Pa, Wis, Okla and Texas!
Pope Promotes Cardinals #2
Pope creates 24 new cardinals amid cheers. Names first ever Bald Eagle!
Pope Promotes 24 Cardinals
Pope creates 24 new cardinals amid cheers. Demotes 22 Jaybirds!
Obama Gives Wrong Impression Again
Obama's 'Beast' of a limo stands out at green NATO summit. Others using gas efficient cars.
24 New Cardinals #2
Pope creates 24 new cardinals amid cheers. Will still have to pass the 'naked choirboy' test.
24 New Cardinals
Pope creates 24 new cardinals amid cheers. "This should really give the St. Louis team a shot in the air", says coach!
Lots Of Chiding Going On
Obama chides GOP for not acting on nuke treaty. GOP chides Obama about not informing their newly elected members about the nuke treaty.
Won"t Abandon Afghanistan!
NATO: We won't abandon Afghanistan. We'll just move along minding our own business for a couple of decades.
Powdery substance in letter to Dancing with the Stars turns out to be fairy dust
A spokesman for the FBI wouldn't comment on the contents of the threatening letter, or to whom it was addressed, but did say that the note was obviously written by an, "angry Tinkerbell."
TSA exempts pilots from pat-downs
After weeks of pressure, the Transportation Security Administration has agreed to exempt pilots from pat-downs and full body scans, especially those who don't know how to take-off or land the plane.
Lindsay Lohan emerges from rehab looking radiant and healthy enough to do drugs again
Friends say Li-lo looks so good from her stint at the Betty Ford clinic, she's ready to take her career to a whole level by doing crystal-meth and heroin.
Hollywood publicist speaks out on Hollywood publicist's murder
The death of Ronni Chasen has raised fear and speculation in Hollywood, however, a spokeswoman for the slain publicist said the killing was simply, "an allergic reaction to some medication."
Thought For The Day:
Ageing starlets in photoshop spread talk about how looks aren't important
Showing off in sexually provocative poses, Jane Fonda, Sigourney Weaver, and Susan Sarandon discuss in the latest edition of V Magazine how age doesn't matter when you can afford plastic surgery.
11PM TEASER - Can Michael Vick Become A Role Model For Children?
ANCHOR #1: Coming up at 11, He's the hottest player in the NFL today, but can the Eagles Michael Vick Become A Role Model For Children?
ANCHOR #2. No. So don't tune in.
Mutually annihilated funds
They had hoped to help us understand the origin of the universe, but CERN scientists in Geneva wasted billions to capture the first antimatter atoms only to find that they don't matter.
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