Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 2 November 2010
Not Like 'The Honeymooners' At All!
In Texas, a UFO landed Monday in the middle of a Tea Party Rally and went high-pitched squealing back to the ship and were past Pluto in twenty seconds flat, say three different amateur astronomers.
See Jackass #4
Brain surgeons in Minnesota have been accused of making a man on the operating table whinny like a horse and kick his heels and fart by touching a certain area of his brain with a scalpel.
It's Almost Ready
American scientists say they are almost ready to offer a set of solar panels that will fit in any backyard and furnish enough energy for a tanning bed, provided there is enough sun hitting it.
Concern Over Obama
Some concern over the President out campaigning so hard after he tells aides, "There,that's all 60 states. We can rest a bit now. It's up to the pickle."
A new study shows that women who have gone out and purchased Levitra for their hubbies usually insist that they're still crazy about the old Flub-A-Dub!
McDonald Timing Bad
Mass exit from voting booths as someone yells that the McRib has returned!
Doesn't Look Good
US Exit poll: Economy dominant issue for voters. Number two: impeaching the President.
Giuliani Celebrates Wedding Anniversary
Former New York City mayor Rudolph Giuliani to celebrate wedding anniversary this weekend, two more next month but he admits he's forgotten the other two.
another big Shocker...
Americans are politically numb.
More news at eleven.
(MOTO Press International)
"You Can't Sit Down!"
Cher gets so mad at Sarah Palin her ass melts into V-shape.
Pelosi At 8%!
POLL: Pelosi viewed favorably by 8% of independents. "Actually, I thought it was worse than that", says House Speaker.
No Use Taking Chances
With so many terrorist bombings of late, the mayor of Bear Wallow, Kentucky has every car left on Main Street after 8PM blown to bits.
Not Him Again!!
Everybody in The Ass & Bonnet Pub gives out a sigh as "Are Ya Gonna Finish That Drink?" Elmore walks into the door.
"Our Song's About A Gorilla?"
Contrary to tradition, Bob Dylan did not write Sad-Eyed Lady of the Lowlands for wife, Sarah but for a low-land gorilla he once saw in Uganda that had sad eyes.
He's A Ten-Ball Wizard
Ten-Ball Wizard who gets around in a wheelchair manages to have sex 12 times on wedding night.
"How Can I Keep Acting Excited?"
International Falls, Mn, the coldest place in the US, to have mild winter as the Weather Channel asks the President for a bailout. "Not one single big hurricane hit in three years", cries Anchor.
Scientist discover balloonheaded dolphins, they're not, they're aliens!
Scientists have discovered a "balloonheaded" dolphin fossil, it's not it's an alien dolphin with it's space helmet on, stupid humans, clever dolphins!
Crazy French launch latest craze "Kiddie Kiting!"
The crazy French have launched the latest "high kick rage" Kiddie Kiting, kids jump out of the 6th floor, no strings or wings attached hoping their mums and dads are waiting below, OOPS! missed!
Eating For Two!
Mariah Carey talks pregnancy cravings. Gained thirty pounds already!
Voters casting ballots!
Voters cast ballots!!! Control of Congress at stake!!! This happens every few years...so relax. Oh yeah, a lot of world leaders got bombs in the mail today.
Lohan Still Little Loopy
PETA is offering to pay Lindsay Lohan's rehab bill if she decides to become a vegan. She says she thinks she's been to Vegan already.
Sex Study By Wynne Parry
Oral Sex Leads to Intercourse Among Teens, Study By Wynne Parry Suggests. Also, intercourse could lead to pregnancy. But will do further studies.
Knew The Day Would Come!
Spam mailers regret that now every men has a ten inch penis!
Yemeni Strikes Back!
Battling charges that the country is doing nothing to apprehend major terrorists, a top Yemeni official talks back. "You say that again & I'll blow you up!"
Yoda Helps Young Lady
Girl, 13, who faced wheelchair due to curved spine learns to breakdance after taking up Yoda. I'm sorry, that should be "yogi".
Big Fall In Royal Mail's Profits
"They've been delivering the cheques instead of opening them and keeping them," said unofficial watchdog spokesman.
Local man finds own arse
with both hands and Google maps.
British, French Share Nuke Secrets
Britain and France to share nuclear secrets as Cameron and Sarkozy sign historic 50-year military agreement. Celebrate over a blood pudding a la mode!
Autistic Teen Treated Like Animal?
Autistic teenager, 18, given wire 'cage' by council to play in! PETA: So what's wrong with that?"
Britain and France to share nuclear secrets as Cameron and Sarkozy sign historic 50-year military agreement. Heart attacks occur all over Britain!
MP's Knife Attacker Had Hit List
"Mainly sickly R&B stuff - no rock or metal or anything. Some hip-hop. Oh, and 'Grandad,' by Clive Dunn!" said police spokesman.
It's Bombs Away
Bomb goes off at Swiss Embassy in Athens, no injuries, police blow up package bound for Chile embassy. UN may have to tackle al-Qaeda wherever.
Prez Treating Poor Badly!
REPORT: US to spend $200 million per day on Obama's Mumbai visit....but no social security raises in two years.
They Can Spin Better Yarns
Publisher of NATIONAL ENQUIRER, STAR Plans to File Bankruptcy. Both magazines blame TheSpoof for taking away readership.
Judge Leans Toward Az. In Lawsuit
Judge skeptical of lawsuit against AZ immigration law. What is illegal is illegal!
Cher & Palin Spar
CHER RIPS PALIN: 'A dumb woman is a dumb woman'. Palin: 'A plastic woman is a plastic whatever.'
Hillary 9000 Miles Away From Election
HILLARY 9,000 MILES AWAY. "They didn't want me last time, let them see that they were wrong."
Obama Backtracking On Comments
Obama backtracks on calling Americans 'enemies'. "I meant enemas! They use a lot of them."
Low Number Of 18-22 Year-Olds To Vote
'Massive' Amount Of Political Calls Leads To Phone Outages. Many so mad they refuse to vote!
Tiger Number Two!
Tiger sniffs out new territory as world number two. "He's a #2 alright", says former wife elin Nordegren.
Young Rocker Right On Target
13-year-old PLO teen Muhammed Mahat wins the top rock award in the Middle East!
Dooie Brothers Still Rocking
The Doobie Brothers can still rock, smoke after over forty years!
Peter Is Perfect Also
Caretakers say Peter the Octopus, brother of the late Paul, also has a perfect record. He hasn't got one right yet.
You Made Up That Name
Russia's Khodorkovsky 'doesn't want to die in prison'. Taken outside and shot!
Last Prediction by "Paul"!
This winter's gas bills could fall! Pigs definitely can fly!
What Have You Done?
Baby Dinosaur's Running Footprints Discovered Near Denver! Torch-bearing crowd demand to see DNA researchers!
UK, France Pool Defense!
UK, France to pool defense assets, share costs, but never to agree on food!
How to Derail Palin for 2012! Do it gently and slowly remove the tar and feathers.
Regular People Are Happy People
Americans speak on the economy: Focus on the 'regular people'. Others full of sh*t!
2010: a campaign year driven by conflicted emulsions. Tasting like crap! I'm sorry, that should have been "emotions!"
Greek mail bombers target five embassies! Most contain explosives in small wooden horses!
GOP Riding The Wave?
How long can the GOP ride the independent wave? No one is sure. However, today the surf's up!
You Mean, Just For Food?
Schwarzenegger bans welfare cards at psychics, Bingo, drug lords on the border.
Out Before Dawn
Voters out before dawn for Election Day 2010. Heavy echo of "Brains!" mean the straight tickets are being pulled for who they were told.
Watch For These Signs #3
Early clues: What to watch in Tuesday's elections. For instance seeing one walking into other room with a gun in his hand.
Watch For These Signs #2
Early clues: What to watch in Tuesday's elections. For instance, seeing a candidate wearing sackcloth and ashes.
Watch For These Signs
Early clues: What to watch in Tuesday's elections. For instance, wailing and beating their breasts is a bad sign.
Threw A Horseshoe At Obama
Man charged with throwing horseshoe at President Obama says he meant it as a good luck gesture.
Tea Party Hopes To Go With GOP
Barbour: Tea party-backed winners to vote with GOP, as long as they pass our programs.
Dems Message Blurred?
Pa. Gov. Rendell: Democratic message was blurred. Dems say they were blurred because they were dodging shoes!
Gay military army sergeant promotes two new recruits to rank of Privates First Class.
Military Extends Policy
Appeals court extends life of gay military policy, especially for Privates & Privates First Class!
Tired Of Mullet Jokes
UN investigator: Migrants suffer worst racism. NASCAR fans suffer the best.
"I See You Coming Here Less!"
Schwarzenegger bans welfare cards at psychics who had already predicted that he would.
Anybody Feel A Draft?
Be fit, have fewer colds: study shows. Especially if the heavy clothes also fit.
It's Historic Alright
Britain, France embark on historic defense pact. Germany, Italy may do the same.
Dems Take Defensive Position
Obama, Democrats fear rout as US polls open, wearing protective gear!
Who Would Have Thought?
Winter's gas bills could fall if we have a really mild one, say weathermen.
Guv Bans Welfare Card Use
Schwarzenegger bans welfare cards at psychics, prostitutes and casinos.
Dragging The Line!
On Election Day, Democratic control, asses are on the line!
Dolphin-Hunters Confronted By Activists
An unprecedented meeting between conservationists and leaders of the dolphin-hunting village depicted in the Oscar-winning film "The Cove" ended in bitter disagreement, which no one expected.
$31,000 An Hour Job Offer
Take-out pizza chain hiring. Aged over 18, no experience required. Uniform provided. Salary: $31,000 an hour but no insurance!
Hot Lava A Problem To Climbers
Indonesian volcano forces flight cancellations, mountain climbing expeditions!
Looks Like Another Hostile Takeover
Armed men surround bank of Russian tycoon. Russian Tycoon Savings & Loan also surrounded.
Everything Hits Haiti?
Beleaguered Haiti braces for possible hurricane. Godzilla attack!
After mail bomb attempts, Homeland Security recommends running all Holiday gifts under the faucet before opening.
Dry Runs Are Rough
Officials suspect Sept. dry run for bomb plot. Since both failed, look out in December!
Yemen Charges Former US Citizen
Yemen charges US-born radical cleric al-Awlaki, formerly know as Jake The Weasel of New Jersey.
Migrants Suffer Racism
UN investigator: Migrants suffer worst racism. Followed by racists.
Cal. Guv Bans #3
Schwarzenegger bans welfare cards at psychics, massage parlors and 'relief girls'.
Cal. Guv Bans #2
Schwarzenegger bans welfare cards at psychics, studying goat entrails.
Cal Guv Bans
Schwarzenegger bans welfare cards at psychics, wart healers!
Lovato In Clinic
Disney's Lovato quits tour, enters treatment for fear of mice!
Dems Last Hope
Democrats' Last Hope: Sarah Palin, enough names off of tombstones.
Yemen Charges Cleric
Yemen charges US-born radical cleric al-Awlaki, formerly Old Man Kelsey's Eldest at Bear Wallow, Ky.
San Fran Can!
Giants give City by the Bay its long-awaited title other than "The Gay Capitol of the US".
Yemen charges US-born radical cleric al-Awlaki, formerly John Smith of Possum Holler, Arkansas.
Today's The Day #2
On Election Day, Democratic control, America's bankruptcy is on the line
Today's The Day
On Election Day, President's butt, Democratic control is on the line.
Exercise 'Can Beat Common Cold.'
But it's still going to take drugs and rest for the aristocratic cold, say experts. Typical!
Released Guantanamo prisoners now in Yemen might be attempting to retaliate against the U.S. (MOTO Press International)
Break in at Connecticut Mausoleum Puzzles Police
According to police five urns were stolen and nothing else. Keith Richards who lives nearby isn't a suspect, though he did have a toke of his father's ashes some years ago
Randy Quaid Seeks Asylum in Canada
According to Quaid, "Canada is the only safe place for me, they don't call their money the loonie for nothing, you know."
Warning Label Needed
Texas inventor comes up with an anti-moron spray. EPA won't license the product without a warning label, as it would disable 50% of the Washington DC politicians and bureaucrats!
Early Voting Results?
During early voting, registered Democrats came out in a ratio of 3 to 2 compared to registered Republicans. However, how many Democrats voted Republican is still unknown!
New Office Accommodations
Regardless of whether the Republicans take over the US House or not, Democrat liberal Nancy Pelosi will be getting a new office. The IL GOP Lincoln Society is donating President Lincoln's outhouse!
New Poll Results for Pelosi
Whale s**t has a favorable/unfavorable rating of 50%/50%. House Speaker Pelosi's favorable/unfavorable rating among registered voters is 25%/75%. In other words Pelosi rates lower than whale s**t!
Mid-Term Election Strategy
Senate Majority Leader Reid has barricaded himself in a room at the Chicken Ranch Brothel, near Las Vegas NV. Harry is holding his breath, threatening to turn blue unless reelected to the Senate!
Scary Halloween Trick or Treat Prank
Teen agers arrested in Republican neighborhoods for causing paramedics to be summoned to revive fainting people. The kids were dressed as President Obama carrying "give me a second term" signs!
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