Spoof news snippets from Friday 19 November 2010
Celebrities Obviously "Love" Charity
LONDON - Children in Need, worthy charity, is just an excuse for celebs to promote new album at expense of poor kids. However, needy children get money, even though it's dirty money.
Records Airport Sniffing Dogs
Airport dogs thus far this year: Bombs Sniffed Out: 3. Drugs: 167 Other Dog's Ass: 134,897!
New Reality Show
Edwards, Woods to guest star on new reality show, "Dancing Under The Sheets!" coming in February, 2011.
Ancient Rome Landscape Near London
Ancient Roman landscape unearthed near London. "Suburb will have to be completely torn down", says archaeologist.
Columbia Declares State of Emergency
Colombia declares state of calamity after rains, floods. "Our whole illegal drug crop is under water."
May As Well Use Them
US sending tanks to Afghanistan for the first time. "They were just sitting over in Iraq", says Obama!
Starts In June
Official: Transition to Afghan control could start in June. Won't say what year!
Senator Murkowski of Alaska bounces a check
"It was an innocent mistake, says the Senator, I spelled my name wrong, it happens to everyone."
What 'DWTS' mean to the Palins
When asked what 'DWTS' meant to her, daughter Bristol said, Downtown Wasilla's Trendiest Spots. Her mother, Sarah, quickly corrected her, "No dear, it refers to Douche When Trying Sex.'
Amy Winehouse Denies Baby Bump
"I'm not f**king pregnant if that's what you mean, I had 10 beers,5 bags of crisps and 3 Aero bars, now piss off,oh ya and there's probably a cup of phlegm in there."
Chaz Bono Remembers his Father
In memory of his father, Sonny, Chaz,formerly Chastity wants his middle name to be Nessun Albero, Italian for 'oh no a tree'.
Obama To Nation: 'What should I do?'
Taking a play from LeBron James, President Obama addressed the nation from the oval office, asking Americans: 'What should I do? Should I pass a bill? Should I have an affair? What should I do?'
No Report On Wind But Blades Active!
Solar power up three cents a panel as cloudy season sets in!
Go Little Glow Worm!
The Democratic Headquarters phone number accidentally placed on ads asking men to join "The Glow Worm Society".
Troops Needed On Border Of Mexico?
GOP Gov. Rick Perry stated today that the U.S. should be open to sending military into Mexico to help fight the drug war. Troops are needed HERE! There's a everyday battle going on right next door.
'Oh, and another thing...': Ohio changes law to shorten final words of death row inmates after last condemned man took 17 minutes and sang three songs.
Old 'Hypocrites & Drunkards' Freed
Labour MP who branded middle class 'hypocrites and drunkards' spends night in a cell after being arrested for 'drink driving'. Cellmates chanted "Hypocrites & Drunkards! till he was released.
Camilla COULD Become Queen?
Camilla COULD be Queen: Charles breaks five-year silence on future role of his second wife. "But Mumsy will tell us."
On Everyone's Mind
Britain WILL get bank holiday to enjoy a national celebration for William and Kate's wedding, says Cameron as the whole world wonders: Will TheSpoof be running that day?
Can You Move Us Elsewhere In China?
US Embassy: Beijing air quality is 'crazy bad', a brand new term for pollution!
Not Much Of A Trial
Rangel's 'trial' spotlights flaws in House ethics process. In other words, if this had been us we would have been "censured" by serving life in prison.
Obama Feels Right At Home!
Obama in Portugal; meets with EU, NATO partners. "Here I feel as much a partner as I do with the new congress!"
China Not Pleased
China's Nobel fury unmatched since Soviet days. "We hate everybody and everything in the whole stupid worldwide world!"
We're Washing Our Hands Here
NATO to turn Afghan security control over by 2014 to whoever draws the longest straw..a sort of straw vote.
Elton John is corrupt, he bent over in Italy and the EU financed him!
Last years Elton John concert in Naples was a "bummer". The EU financed the bash because they thought Elton was promoting "gay rights" he wasn't, he was promoting himself bending over backwards!
King In New Role!
Larry King is now so stooped over that he's been offered an acting role as "Mr. Before" on Viagra commercials.
China Church To Ordain Bishop
China church to ordain bishop Vatican objects to. "They are only doing that to upset us", says Pope.
Jon Gosselin Engaged?
Jon Gosselin to marry lady from Vienna who once worked at a small sausage company.
On Night Watch
NYC To Close Firehouses At Night To Save Money. Bedbugs agree to alert them for fire bugs.
This Ones Only Ten Million...How Much You Got?
Andy Warhol painting of a coke bottle sells for $34 Million. Winos begin painting empty bottles of Night Train all over New York City.
Probably Be Out A Long Time
Small investors shunning stock market. Could it be that they need money for food and medications?
Rules The Empty Planet
Mars Rover pops back up on screen temporarily in Houston NASA Headquarters. Looked like it had on golden crown and robe while on a thrown.
Amateur Videos Making The Rounds
Deputies investigate fight videos featuring students called "George Foreman Jackass Films".
Or Sworn At!
New congress to be sworn in January. President Obama plans to be out of the country again.
Food Porn List!
Food police issue 'food porn' list...big banana with two fuzzy peaches, zucchini with cherries, etc.
Three Grenades Discovered
Kirstie Alley found carrying three grenades at airport. Claims she didn't know how those got into her fat rows.
Are They Going To Force-Feed?
First Lady Michelle Obama To Announce 5,000 Abandoned Salad Bars For Schools.
Airport Sex Romps!
Airport Mobile Command Post Used for Sex Romps! Stared after searchers got all hot and bothered.
Those Airport Searches!
Will Turkey Day Fliers Cry Gobble? I Mean Fowl?.....Foul?
Some Believe Anything
Big riot in Berkeley, California as students had been misinformed that Friday was "Clothes Optional Day".
Woman With 2 Artificial Knees Describes 'Sexual Assault' By Screener. "He was doing fine till he grabbed my knees!"
STUDY: '1 IN 5' AMERICANS MENTALLY ILL!
"So if your four best friends seem quite normal...."
Hacker arrested after cracking Federal Reserve. Printing bills with his ass on the backside.
NATO Chief warns against Currency Wars. "Don't listen to the Madoff Dark Side, Darth Nader!"
Inflation fight intensifies as millions of Americans think extra weight this Holiday season could finish them off.
Breat Exams In Bars #2
Fake doctor jailed for giving breast exams in bars. Bartenders say men do that all the time. "I do it myself when some lean way over bar to order", says one.
Breast Exams In Bars
Fake doctor jailed for giving breast exams in bars. Most done on customers on back tables.
Bears Eat Dolphins!
Chicago Bears maul injury ravaged Dolphins. Dolphin fans blame BP!
Potter To Set Records!
Box Office Preview: 'Potter' poised to set record! *Not to be confused with home movie for new parents.
Priest Arrested Again
Priest in Conan O'Brien case arrested again. Most blame it on O'Brien's boyish smile!
Scans Are Safe?
Gov't says full-body scanners at airports are safe. Then why are all those scanned nude pics on the net?
Little Known Law Called Bonapart's Retweet
Chinese woman sent to labor camp for retreating...retweeting!
In breakthrough, scientists trap antimatter atoms while others say that it doesn't really matter.
Tests on Danish astronomer's body will take months...after putting all the pieces together.
Stonehenge Gets Makeover
Stonehenge gets millions for major makeover. Rock polisher group to begin Monday.
Needs Looking Into!
Wildlife group targets Myanmar-China tiger trade. The Moss deal between New England and Minnesota.
Three Day Concerts
Stonehenge gets millions for major makeover from Rock Groups!
China Cutting Back
China takes new step to rein in lending, inflation, fire-breathing dragons!
Pilgramage To Mecca Miracle
Latest miracle in Mecca Pilgrimage? Several say they saw John Wayne addressing Pilgrims.
Mecca To Offer Helt For Pilgrims
Mecca development promises pilgrims better hajj. Plan to give out nearly 500,000 pup tents. Quit charging for rocks to throw.
Airport Security To Change?
Airports consider congressman's call to ditch TSA. May just shoot passengers up with truth serum!
Sticking With Reusable Bags
Shoppers shrug off fears about toxic reusable bags. There's something wrong with everything we come up with, say most.
Rings Replace Leg Bracelets
New California parole team targets sex offenders. New tracking foot bracelets replaced by smaller ones around the penis.
Idaho, Colorada Fussing Again
Idaho scientists find new seismic fault in Rockies. Colorado finds Idaho potatoes aren't any better than those in the South!
New Miracle Drug Will Take Awhile
New drug produces steep drop in bad cholesterol. "Only 10 more years of testing and it should be on the market. The last two for eye-catching TV commercials."
Karen Smith is clone of Lady G.
I have just discovered, via profiles, Karen Smith is a clone!
Who Would Have Thought?
AP Exclusive: Raising retirement age hurts poor, elderly.
New Endangered List #2
'Asian unicorn', slim Americans, Brits and scaly anteater make endangered list.
New Endangered Species
'Asian unicorn', honest politician and scaly anteater make latest endangered list.
A Token UN Presence
NATO forces to stay with Afghans post-2014. "We'll keep a building and ambassador there with 10,000 guards", say members. "Maybe a roof reading for copter landings."
Bringing In Viewers.
Palin's success raises tempers, boosts ratings. Three more TV sets reportedly shot out during last show.
Peach The Dog Brings Cuteness
Peach the Chihuahua: Japan's newest police dog helpful during police stand-offs. Once he's released, criminals drop weapons to pet him.
New NKorea Nuke Building
Satellite appears to show NKorea nuke building. UN not concerned. "NKorea is such a stable country."
China Reining In Inflation, Other Problems
China takes new step to rein in lending, inflation, 100,000 page telephone book.
China Taking Control
China takes new step to rein in lending, inflation, jokes about 'more Chins than China'.
Suspicious Package At Airport Only A Test
Germany: Namibia suspicious package was only a security test. But by whom?
Mortgages Getting More Complicated Daily
Man makes ridiculously complicated chart to find out who owns his mortgage. Conclusion: Has no idea.
Raising Retirement Age Doesn't Lead To Savings
If you cannot retire at 65-66, unhealthy will simply apply for disability.
Raising Retirement Age Won't Save Money
AP Exclusive: Raising retirement age hurts poor. No kidding? Our bodies are pretty worn at retirement stage now.
Could Unite Earth If Planet Occupied?
First glimpse of a planet from another galaxy. If it's inhabitable, will it unite Earth? Naaa. Probably not. And that wouldn't be OUR nations fault.
Facebook Founder to Make Movie About Himself
Mark Zuckerberg is making his own movie about himself because he doesn't like "The Social Network" that makes him look like a loner. Mr. Zuckerberg will show his funny side.
Does This Change Everything?
First glimpse of a planet from another galaxy. Scientists and crazies are excited.
We Are Not Alone!
First glimpse of a planet from another galaxy. Why haven't we seen it before?
New Planet Discovered
First glimpse of a planet from another galaxy. Or is that a planet? Has it moved?
Tony Parker Thinks Sexting Isn't Cheat
Tony Parker admitted to sexting a bunch of women, but didn't feel it was wrong, because he never planned on really giving the women what they wanted.
That's Where We Differ
First glimpse of a planet from another galaxy. "We'll know them by their foreheads", says NASA.
Poor Members Lining Up
Irish, EU, IMF face marathon talks for loan deal. Followed close,y by Portugal, Greece, etc. etc.
It's Not Just The Two Of Us Now
US-Russian 'reset' in trouble as nuke pact stalls. For one thing, there are many nuclear weapons out there that belong to neither.
Sports Writers Get One Right
Sports writers finally did the right thing and voted for the best pitcher in the league and not the guy that made the most money or played on the best team.
China The Elephant In The Room
NATO summit in Lisbon: Can the alliance modernize? Even more, can they learn to deal with China?
Cam Newton Starts Pro Career Early
Cam Newton started his pro career early because his dad believed he was just that good. "I needed a new BMW, so I made Auburn pay to have my son play at their school." Cam's dad said.
Bears Flog Dolphins
The Bears flogged the Dolphins in what appeared to be an otherwise snoozer of a game.
TSA and Facebook join to create Junkbook
In an effort at PR damage control, the TSA strikes a deal with the social media giant to capitalize on the popularity of porn. The new site lets users post their x-ray scans, and blog about it.
Physicists say antimatter matters
Relatively speaking, of course.
News of the apocalypse pre-empted by story about missing miners
"We interrupt news of the end of the world to bring you yet another story about a group of miners trapped deep below the earth. All life may be ending, but at least you're above ground."
City Rethinks 'Happy Meal' Decision
Food now considered for banning; nutritiously sound toys to stay.
Thought For The Day:
Why aren't all greyhounds grey?
UN Troops Stoned As Haiti Cholera Spreads
Actual Headline from Sky News.
Tiger Woods on Twitter
First tweet an emphatic shout-out to Tony Parker.
Watchmen's Rorschach Loses Facebook Account
The reason given was "Lack of Face".
Bill Gates Wins Lucrative "Richest American" Award
Forbes Magazine's "Richest American" Award, once again goes to Microsoft founder William Gates III. As is tradition, he will be presented with a gold medal, a diploma, and a $100 million prize.
Neanderthal Children Grew Up Fast Or Flat!
Neanderthal children 'grew much faster than first modern humans' 'Last week gave Og spanking. Today he gave me one!'
Donald Trump's Castleboat Capsizes Again
KEY WEST, Florida - "Anyone can own a houseboat," says billionaire Donald Trump. "I'm not just anyone. I own a castleboat. In fact, a replica of Bavaria's famed Neuschwanstein Castle, as a boat."
Government Demands Cuts!
Government's own immigration watchdog says numbers must be cut by a quarter. Everyone have their machetes?
Airport X-ray scanner is just as likely to kill you as a terrorist bomb. Just slower and a lot more painful.
What Month IS This?
Fourfold leap in direct debit theft: Victims failing to check their bank statements. Too busy scratching their ass!
Don't Mess Things Up With Facts!
Forensic scientists are 'improperly' swaying juries warns senior judge. "I don't need facts when you can tell if he's guilty by the look on his face!
Russell Brand won't Face Charges in LAX Spat
Following his arrest last September, prosecutors said they saw his junk in an airport scanner and don't think they could hold a straight face in a court room.
Susan Boyle Tops Charts Simultaneously in US, UK
Good on ya Sue, you're in good company - the last ones to do it - were the Monkees - ooooh oohhh aaaah aaahhhh.
Silent Film Star Marie Osborne Yeats Dies at 99
Please! A moment of silence is in order.
Now you'll have to ring a call centre to see your GP: Receptionists face axe in plan to automate doctors' appointments...We Are Borg!
Myers-Briggs Test Confirms that Local Man is an Asshole
"The Myers-Briggs is based on a theoretical model of personality that has not been scientifically validated, so we should take their conclusions with a grain of salt," said the asshole.
eHarmony.com Matches Masturbator with Self
"I don't know how the technology works, but eHarmony really understands me," says masturbator.
In Cuba today, Fidel Castro says that he is happy with the direction of Cuba at the present time..."wherever the hell that is!"
PETA Wants the Government to Investigate itself
People for the Ethical treatment of Animals say, "The Federal government is trying to cover up a lame duck, we demand a full investigation."
Pelosi Starts Draining the Swamp
Nancy Pelosi's pledge to start draining the swamp has started with Charlie Rangel,only 434 members to go.
Just In Time For The Holidays
Remember, the Xerox Company says that their new copier, the X-9 model, will be the only copier to copy your ass in 3D!
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