Spoof news snippets from Thursday 18 November 2010
Sonny Bono Jr.
Chastity Bono has had a sex change to become a man. His new name will be Sonny Bono, Junior. Friends say she like her new package and goes around singing, "I got you, Babe!"
POLITICIANS: The Next Batch!
So far, over 200 students have confessed to cheating, following a lecture on ethics from a professor in a Florida University. It is thought that many of them will go on to become politicians.
After Best Record Of Airlines For Years!
Drama in the cockpit: Qantas crew faced 54 alarms. "There's no doubt about it", says Captain. "Someone has cursed us!"
Five charming small-town getaways, beginning with Bear Wallow, Kentucky...the Gateway to Hazard, Ky. You'll be lucky to get away from here.
NATP Out Of Afghanistan!
NATO honing in on Afghan exit strategy at summit. Russia sends word: No thank you, been there, done that!
Marijuana Takes Another Hit!
Liberal Dutch marijuana policy taking another hit? No foreigners allowed to light up or even purchase drug.
Amazing close-ups reveal hidden wonders! Scanner pic of Pee Wee Herman shows he has a twelve inch penis!
I've Heard That Too
US President Barack Obama claims that private survey of millions of unemployed shows that 75% of them claimed "I was looking for a job when I found this one!"
No One To Present Prize To?
Nobel panel may not hand out Liu's peace prize. Al Gore and Obama argue over accepting it for him.
Grand Yet Cheap?
Royal wedding challenge: Make it grand, yet cheap. Call in special effects experts!
Idaho Finds Fault
Idaho scientists find new seismic fault in Rockies. "It runs along the Continental Divide."
START & STOP!
Obama calls ratifying START treaty with Russia a United States imperative. Also, a STOP treaty with Iran!
Middle class "drives" housing market resurgence
Wall Street fat cats cheer General Motor's return to New York Stock Exchange - thanks to millions of housing bubble victims who traded in their homes and now live in automobiles.
Then We'll Ship It To Him!
In a new trial, the penis-pointing guard in the early photographs from Iraq, now a civilian, pleas guilty. Sentence is community service for two months and to photo shop male's penis to look bigger.
Just Have To Ask, Act Humble
Ireland, holding their empty cup up to the EU officials tells Next in line Portugal, "See, it's not that bad!"
More Bones Discovered
Scientists find more dinosaur bones at Utah quarry. Also that of a giant dog that apparently buried them there.
First Got Their Shit Together
Ape study traces evolution of laughter all the way back to the first time they hit each other with a handful of shit!
Both Fredericks of Hollywood and Victoria's Secret will be carrying Britney's new All's Clear brand of panties.
She's Still Got It, Better Not Catch It!
Madonna, out to prove that she's STILL GOT IT after turning 50-years old, finds herself a 28-year-old Toy Boy!
"Blow It Out!"
Traders On NYSE Floor Cheer Return Of General Motors! Then a spontaneous singing of old Beach Boys, Ronnie & the Daytonas and Jan & Dean car songs broke out beginning with "Little GTO!"
The House Ethics Committee today recommended censure for New York Dem. Rep. Charles Rangel, who was found guilty earlier this week of multiple violations of House rules. Then his wrists were slapped.
Government Hates Citizens Back
LONDON - David Cameron's Tory Party has retorted to anti-Tory sentiment by stating that the UK are 'shitheads too, with no idea who to vote for in X-Factor, let alone government.'
Pot Smokers in Sweden Order Arrest of WikiLeaks Founder
Pot Smokers in Sweden ordered the arrest of WikiLeaks founder, but soon after ordering the arrest they realized they forgot why they wanted him arrested.
Investors Forget Last Time GM Screwed Them
GM's shares rose today, and people are buying the stock like it will always make money. It seems most investors forgot the last time they bought GM stock they lost all their money.
No Saudi Facebook
Saudi Arabia has closed Facebook to their citizens because it shows women's unveiled faces. You'd think the title would have given them a clue earlier.
Three Year Old Engaged!
A 5 year old Indian boy has become engaged to a 3 year old girl. The boy told US reporter, "She had me at 2!"
Nader May Give Up!
Friends of Ralph Nader in New York City say that for the fourteenth time, Nader has struck out with a prostitute.
Wiley: Acme Not Best Product In World
Satellite imagery shows new activities at N. Korea Acme nuke test site, Kyodo. Hope no accident has happened.
Must Have Sample Some
Today in Texas, a Mexican coca farmer crashed through the border at 120 miles per hour on his tractor.
Doesn't Sound Right Somehow!
Air Berlin update: Airport scan found batteries wired to clock, fuse; unclear if device could have exploded. Owner says he's a repair man & wanted to work while he was on plane.
The Worst Generation Gone!
Argentina sends word to US and British Nazis that they now have some openings.
Chilean miners' movie, "The 33 of San Jose" ready for release.
The director signs Beyoncé to star in his next movie "Gamu Nhengu - the Wilderness Years".
Madoff Gang Members Arrested
FBI arrests two suspects in connection with disgraced financier Bernard Madoff's Ponzi scheme. Make them reveal storehouses of money sites.
Tribe in Brazil's Amazon Rain Forest discovered two years ago sue Amazon.com over title. Will settle for clothes.
"I'm An Illegal!
Miami student body president declares: I'm an illegal! Shushed by Principle, teachers.
Famous Place In Ky.
Bear Wallow, Kentucky gets roadside marker stating this is the spot where the civil war between the Jones & Smiths began, over which was the first to announce the end of the War Between The States!
City Has The Ass For DUI's
City to shame drunk drivers on FACEBOOK. Drunk drivers to moon city officials on "My OTHER FACEBOOK!"
Tourism Down In Calif. Town
Calif. site of "The Great Fool's Goldrush of '67" tourism is way down. City officials blame word getting out over the internet.
Oprah Heade For New Jersey
OWN: Oprah eyes $68M NJ mansion as a place to kick back until she goes home.
Chinese Fog Monster
Entire Chinese city of Huawang has to wear Darth Vader type masks until smog blows out to sea enough to see your hand in front of your face!
Mitch Against Omnibus Bill
Senator Mitch McConnell States Opposition to Omnibus Bill! "What we really need are buses that are electric or at least a hybrid!"
China City Wins Award
City of Xanax, China awarded prize for the most peaceful city in the world.
Just Needed An Excuse!
Study: Fears of new food crisis as prices soar. Public says it's been like this since the $3.50 gas. "They blamed higher gas prices but never lowered prices after gas prices dropped!"
"I Was Eating Dinner!"
Company says that call-ins to their TV ads to "Kiss Your Hemorrhoids Good-Bye" were not positive.
Floyd The Barber In Pink
School bans Pink Floyd shirts from pep rally...I'm sorry, that should be pink shirts. Says it embarrasses Freshmen who usually have to wear pink.
This Should Be Good
Former VP Cheney taking notes for a new book. His wife says he is slow because he keeps breaking down in laughter over something his boss did or said at the White House.
Chess Players Arrested
Cops bust men playing chess in park. "Just because we were into a great game so much we forgot our pants", says old timer!
Paying For Privacy
In China today, the most expensive apartments are those eight sectioned off atop tall buildings. That's the only place in China where you can be alone.
Half The School Will Need It
High School Plans to Open Drug Rehab Clinic In Building... Munchies 101!
COULTER: 'Please have your genitalia out and ready to be fondled. You at the very end can wait awhile can't you?'
Whole Airports Slowing Down, Delaying Flights
SCAN OR HAND JOB: TSA Hit With Lawsuits As Revolt Explodes! "I've been slapped twenty-five times in one day", says searcher.
Tennessee man at Knoxville Airport in Maryville: I proposed twice to the lady who searched me."
Shopping Addiction Will Cost Lady 11 Years in Prison
Ex-Koss Executive Sachdeva will spend 11 years in prison because she loved to shop too much. Sure, she illegally used company money to buy things, but she had a shopping addiction.
Dem Sen: Crotch gropes just 'love pats'. Barney Frank: Leave me out of this!
RON PAUL: ENOUGH IS ENOUGH #3
Ron Paul says that his airport search was more thorough than his last prostate exam!
RON PAUL: ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!
Ron Paul says that airports are going overboard on searches and scans. Tells TSA that there MUST be a better way.
NFL Using NASCAR Plan for Killing Ratings
The NFL said they are using the NASCAR business plan, because it allows them to changes the rules halfway through the season and give viewers a product they don't mind turning away from.
GM Making A Big Comeback!
THE BIG DAY: GM's Stock Roars Into High Gear. This is today's headline and also 1957!
Ahmadinejad Doesn't Believe UN Sanctions Against Iran Exist
Iranian President Ahmadinejad told reporters that he didn't believe UN sanctions against Iran really existed. "We still sell and buy stuff, so I don't know what the UN is talking about." he said.
Palin's Comments Make Trump Believe He Could Be President
Donald Trump thinks he could be president. "If that idiot Palin thinks she could be president, well, image what a man like me could do for politics. Money wins, every time," Mr. Trump said.
Tiger Woods Trying to Improve His Image
Tiger Woods is trying to improve his image by writing stories about his addiction to sex, but most Americans don't buy Hustler, so his stories aren't really helping his image.
Former Senator Larry Craig only Flies TSA
Former Senator Larry Craig said that he will only fly using TSA. "I like the personal feel of TSA, and now I won't get arrested for getting felt up in an airport."
Terror Verdict Show Public Defenders Work
The Guantanamo detainee case shows that the much malign public defenders can win cases.
Jobless Claims Are Down
If you live in Cheyenne, WY, you are in luck, because jobless claims are down in your town, but other areas of the country are still suffering from high jobless claims.
98% Spoof Writers Enjoy Their Job
Job satisfaction for Spoof writers is at a all time high of 98% up 20% from last year. Experts blame it on the poor economy allowing writers more time to write.
Deer in Wisconsin Allowed to Carry Concealed Weapons
Animal Rights activist got their way, and deer in Wisconsin will know be able to carry concealed weapons. They hope the deer will be better able to defend themselves during the gun season.
String Theory For The Layman
It's bollocks. Forget it!
Thought For The Day:
Daytime TV... Aaaaaaaarghhhhhhh!
Ittle Bitty Buddy?
Actress who played Mary Ann on Gilligan's Island says that the skipper's reference to "Ittle Bitty Buddy" was not about Gilligan.
New Drug Shows Great Promise
New drug produces steep drop in bad cholesterol. Call in animation experts to show a bad cholesterol on TV commercials!
GOP Freshman Filled In
Freshman GOP members continue their whirlwind orientation. Told where all the Japanese, Chinese prostitutes are located.
Cuckoo's Nest Hospital Rebuilt
"Cuckoo's Nest" hospital rebuilt following abuses. Firing of Nurse Ratched!
Murkowski calls write-in victory 'our miracle'. Opponent says it was 'our ambidextrous double write-ins'.
45 Million Just Like Us
Gov't survey: 45M suffered mental illness in 2009. "Could be worse now because many ate our survey papers."
Four in 10 say marriage is becoming obsolete. One in ten do not know what 'obsolete' means. "You mean, we have to have sex with people watching?"
Stolen Identities Jump
Facebook messaging poses risks for users: Can lead to identity theft according to watchdog...watchcat.
Bird Flu Back In Town
Hong Kong confirms first human bird flu case since 2003. Now believe the victim was, at least when he arrived at hospital, he was given the wrong tweetment.
Bird Flu Arises Again
Hong Kong confirms first human bird flu case since 2003. Victim says he's had it for seven years.
Bird Flu In The Air
Hong Kong confirms first human bird flu case since 2003. "We thought we had that one caged."
Irish Bank Foresees Bailout
Irish Central Bank chief foresees 'substantial loan', a sure winner in today's third race.
Suspected bomb bound for Germany intercepted. Ring of helicopters used huge net!
Work session gets heated
Most say that after drawing good unemployment checks for two years, they had forgotten the drudgery of their work.
Scientists Claim Breakthrough!
Scientists claim breakthrough in antimatter hunt...but does it really matter?
Pirates Holding Hostages Longer
Pirate hostages held twice as long as in 2009 as they are now hiding them on secret island. Clue: One says a 'Mary Ann' has been there for 50 years.
Murkowski Win A Blow To Palin?
Murkowski win a blow to Palin's influence, but she still has hopes of winning "Dancing With The Stars". What? Wrong Palin?
Obama Dropping Names
Obama enlists big names to push for nuclear treaty, mostly those from Hollywood, sports world.
OECD says recovery in developed world to be uneven. "Those that we pretty well screwed to begin with will return to normal much faster.
Air Passengers Angry
Furious Ryanair passengers protest in plane. "First the airport feels us up, we land late and we're at the wrong destination. Now what do you think?"
Mental Cases Up #3
Gov't survey: 45M suffered mental illness in 2009. 100% in some places like Washington, DC.
More Mental Illness #2
Gov't survey: 45M suffered mental illness in 2009. Including 9 out of 10 spoof writers, excluding me. Hee Hee Hee. (Help me stop these snippets...please).
More Mental Illness
Gov't survey: 45M suffered mental illness in 2009, including 90% of TheSpoof readers.
Marriage Becoming Obsolete? #3
Four in 10 say marriage is becoming obsolete. Soon, there will be more gay marriages than male-female marriages?
Marriage Becoming Obsolete? #2
Four in 10 say marriage is becoming obsolete. Gays say "Now you tell us!"
Marriage Becoming Obsolete
Four in 10 say marriage is becoming obsolete. Nine in ten are men who don't want responsibility.
Stuxnet Virus Strongest Yet
Stuxnet virus could target many industries after wreaking havoc on Iran nuclear facilities. Let's hope that that memo to the secretary doesn't launch a nuclear attack.
Begin Paying Paid Debts
GM launching IPO, ending government majority stake. "You can stop with the Government Motors now", says CEO.
No One Expects It Any More
First conviction unlikely to help Obama shut Gitmo. But what else is new about campaign promises?
FDA to FDA: remove thyself
The Food and Drug Administration cracked down today on itself, giving itself 22 days to stop with all the nonsense or remove itself altogether.
FDA to dairy industry: remove dairy
The Food and Drug Administration cracked down today on makers of dairy products, giving them 21 days to stop adding dairy to the products or stop selling them altogether.
FDA to meat industry: remove meat
The Food and Drug Administration cracked down today on the meat industry, giving them 20 days to stop adding meat to the products or stop selling them altogether.
FDA to farmers: remove crops
The Food and Drug Administration cracked down today on farmers who grow crops, giving them 19 days to remove any vegetable matter or stop selling them altogether.
FDA to Vitamin makers: remove vitamins
The Food and Drug Administration cracked down today on manufacturers of vitamin supplements, giving them 18 days to stop adding vitamins to the products or stop selling them altogether.
FDA to candy makers: remove sugar
The Food and Drug Administration cracked down today on manufacturers of candy products, giving them 17 days to stop adding sugar to the products or stop selling them altogether.
FDA to caffeine beverage makers: remove caffeine
The Food and Drug Administration cracked down today on manufacturers of caffeinated drinks, giving them 16 days to stop adding caffeine to the products or stop selling them altogether.
FDA to alcohol beverage makers: remove alcohol
The Food and Drug Administration cracked down today on manufacturers of alcoholic drinks, giving them 15 days to stop adding alcohol to the products or stop selling them altogether.
You Are A Spoof
Rockefeller: FCC Should Take FOXNEWS, MSNBC Off Airwaves. So the wealthy tell us what to watch?
Global Warming Hits Ladies Hard
With global warming, apparently two Neaderthals thawed out and clubbed several women in Alaska before being tasered.
Pope Not Happy
Pope, very angry about being scanned at5 airport, places ten nervous searchers in purgatory!
Kim Finds Job For Older Son
Kim Jong Il of North Korea, after naming his youngest son his successor, has older son now going through old Warner Bros. cartoons to make a 24-hour highlight feature.
According To A New Poll!
Since the South African Games, a total of 17 people in the US have been killed over playing a vuvuzela, the lowest count of any western country.
Former President Bush on TV interview this morning promoting his new book, stated that "everybody in Washington DC plays the blame game and that leads to people pointing at each other with a finger."
Things Looking Better
Things have improved greatly say the folks in St. Petersburg, Florida so come on down. But be sure to bring your wet suit.
Cure for common cold found
Dr. Curly Howard has announced a breakthrough in Common Cold Remedies. Per Dr. Howard, "Don't get one and you won't have one".
Tony Parker Cheats on Hot Wife with Not So Hot Woman
Tony Parker cheated on his hot wife with a not so hot wife of one of his teammates. He claims she seduced him with her blandness, and was sick of having sex with a beautiful woman.
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